I have long contemplated, if I should even put it up here but after much debate I decided to try and see, if you, dear readers, might like it.
This is AU from the end of season 3 onward, so there will be no hexenbiest Juliette or Jack-Renard. As a warning: this is a Mpreg story and also there will be touch/ contact issues featured as the story progresses. Initial pairing will be Nick/ Juliette. Although this will become Nick/ Renard eventually, there will be no infidelity or some such...
So, what can I say? I've always wanted to write a Mpreg story and here it is... my baby, so to speak.
Enjoy!
Growing Souls:
The spell Adalind has used before getting into bed with Nick has had many repercussions. Only the intended one – to steal his Grimm powers – it hasn't had.
Nick isn't aware. Neither of what has been her goal nor of the other little tidbits life holds in store for him.
Juliette is angry and bitter. She cannot understand how Nick couldn't have known! He should have known! He has cheated on her! Nick tries to explain, haltingly and despite every fiber of his body shying away from what has happened that night. He bares his innermost feelings to her, barely gets the sentence out. He tells her he feels raped; Juliette laughs in his face!
"Really? You feel raped? Sorry, if I cannot see how having sex with a woman can be so bad! You didn't complain before you knew it wasn't me."
Nick doesn't want to have this conversation. It's hours after everything has gone to hell, early morning of the next day in fact. It is about Adalind in their home, in their inner sanctum, the wedding gone wrong, the Captain shot and still not out of danger. They are in a Police provided motel room, while their home is declared off limits, leaving Nick with nowhere to hide and gather himself. He's reeling from shock and desperately waiting for news about the Captain.
Her words, considering all this, feel like a knife to the gut. But he loves her, doesn't he? So he tries to make her see.
"Juliette, that... that is the problem. I didn't know it was her! I.. I... There's a reason why sex is considered intimate. I laid myself completely bare before her. She has seen me at my most vulnerable... she has touched me in places... To think that it has been her the whole time..."
He cannot go on. The thought alone makes him shudder and his breath hitch. Unconsciously he backs away until he bumps into the lone chair in the room.
Seeing Nick shaken like this and hearing the words seems to have taken some of Juliette's anger. She approaches him slowly, reaches out a hand. He doesn't flinch when she touches him but it is only by great force of will. It twists his guts and makes his throat close up with shame. He shouldn't react like this. Not when she tries to comfort him.
"Hey, Nick." Her words are soft, a drastic contrast to her earlier bitter screech. He looks up into her eyes with difficulty. He's coiled tight as a spring, ready to bolt. Something is off about her expression. He cannot place what. It's not like she looks angry anymore. Her next words drive it home, though. With the force of a pole-axe:
"Hey, it's okay. I mean, it's not as if she took you by force."
At this point his throat turns dry as dust.
"No, she didn't. She took me by deceit."
It is fierce if barely there whisper. Her narrowing eyes and her closed off expression shows her thoughts on the matter. She doesn't understand. Not one bit. He wants to scream, to cry and make her see... But can he blame her? She hasn't experienced it. Had it been the other way 'round, had it been her and a man in zaubertrank disguise, matters would have been clear. The way things are, they are not.
Nick rises from the chair before he can say something he regrets. In his mind he tells himself that he is not hurt by this. That it isn't her fault. He has to scream it at himself – in the darkest corner of his mind – like a mantra to make it true.
"I need to go to hospital to check on Renard. I still don't know, if he will survive. I need to know!"
The way his voice nearly breaks at the end reveals a depth of emotion... of fear for his Captain, that he hasn't expected. But then again, Renard has been shot today because he has wanted to help. Nick has been meant to get a zaubertrank. Hank has said that earlier, after he has appeared at Monroe's and Rosalee's wedding place. Nick still doesn't know what that's been about, only that Renard desperately wanted him to get it and got shot for his trouble.
"What? Now?"
Juliette's disbelieving hiss pulls him out of his thoughts. He looks back at her with a confused frown, at which her own expression darkens considerably.
"Don't you think you should be here? With me? It was a difficult day for me and you just think about Renard?"
Nick could have laughed at the travesty that are her words. He doesn't.
"I need to know. He might die because he's tried to help us!"
"I for my part don't see how he has helped us any! In case you forget, you still slept with that hexenbitch."
Another verbal blow, another attack that tears at Nick's slowly crumbling defenses. He reigns himself in, anyway. Hides hurt and shock and just looks at her imploringly. "Please, I'll be back as soon as I can but I need to know."
And I cannot bear to be near you right now... but that is my problem not yours...
"Oh, well. Do what you think you need to do. If you want to be with me, after all, I'll be here. Big surprise."
She turns without sparing him another glance and flounces into the bathroom.
"Juliette..."
The door is slammed, making Nick flinch badly.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
When Nick arrives at hospital Hank is there to greet him. Before he can even think to ask about their Captain, Hank wraps him in an untypically tight bear hug. Nick's a bit lost at what to do but in the end he returns it with true appreciation. Despite both being guys, at times Hank has a sixth sense for when his partner desperately needs a manly hug.
"Hey, man. How are you doing? Monroe and Rosalee told me what happened before the Captain and I got to your house. How are you and Juliette? Cannot be easy having your house turned into a crime scene again... not to mention all the other shit."
Nick only nods, shutters falling to hide deeper emotions. He cannot bear to think about all that now.
"It's... going to take time. How is Renard?"
Hank heaves a sigh.
"He's been out of surgery since sometime around midnight but hasn't woken yet. At one point it was a real touch and go, but they managed to get him back and his... well you know... good constitution makes him heal fast. At least that's what Rosalee and Monroe told me."
"Okay. That's not as bad as it could be. It's good, actually. He's out of immediate danger, right?"
Nick lets out an explosive breath, pushing fingers through his hair and making it stick up even more. He looks harried and lost. No wonder, really. Hank cannot blame him after all that's happened in the last hours.
"Yeah. That's a good thing." He says with a tired smile.
"Come on. One of us can go in at a time. Go and wait for him to wake up. It's okay. I'm taking care of the rest."
Hank pats his shoulder as he gently manhandles him toward Renard's hospital room.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Nick takes up the lone chair by the man's bed. Renard looks terrible. Pale, hooked to a whole army of different tubes and machines. Three bullet wounds, the medical report at the end of his bed says. He cannot take his eyes off the prone form of his Captain. The picture burns itself into his retina, wedging itself into a place deep inside his heart and refusing to leave.
Seeing Renard like this is worse than what happened with Adalind – at least he denies that what's happened there still shakes him to the core.
Right now this is the place where he needs to be. He remembers Juliette's accusations, her hurt expression – hurt for reasons he tries to understand but feels betrayed for, anyway.
He needs Renard to wake up and get well again and he needs answers to what has been going on and why.
What has Adalind been trying to accomplish? Why did the Captain want me to take that zaubertrank?
Hank has been the one to deliver it on the Captain's orders but Renard couldn't tell him what it should have done before he lost consciousness after being shot.
When the zauberbiest twitches for the first time after nearly two hours of listless waiting, Nick takes his hand before he realizes what he's doing. It is a reflex. It is an urge to soothe and protect.
Renard lets out a low moan. His eyes move frantically beneath still closed eyelids. Patrician, always controlled features scrunch up in undisguised pain. He must be hurting like hell despite pain medication.
Tired eyes are forced open. Nick perceives confusion there. Confusion and fear. He also detects Renard's decision to move before the man himself does.
Carefully he places a hand on the zauberbiest's shoulder to keep him down.
"Easy. Take it easy, Captain. You are safe."
He tries to sit up, anyway, but is hindered by hands he is no match for. Definitely hurting like hell. It's in green eyes, liquid with unshed tears, and in a stiffening of his huge, magnificent body.
Sean's world is a hazy, nightmarish one. His last memory is being shot. He needs to move out of danger! He tries to do just that.
Pain, so much fucking pain!
Arrgh! He woges briefly. He cannot stop his 'biest from roaring forth to brave this agony. A gasp from beside him. Someone is with him in the room. An enemy? A friend?
Those hands on his body move. They do not hurt him... they stroke and soothe and anchor him.
A familiar voice, that his inner 'biest recognizes while his human mind still remains in the dark. It helps to calm him down, and that turns agony from roaring to manageable. Slowly he grows more aware of his surroundings.
Nick. Nick is there with him.
"Nii..." He coughs dryly as his throat is parched and, oh hell, it sets off a series of terrible spikes of pain.
"Woah, woah. Calm down. Just take a breath. Shhh."
A glass with a straw is placed at his lips. He sips slowly. It's just plain water but it feels heavenly on his throat.
The Grimm's concerned face swims into view. Sean focuses all of his attention on that face... on the man with him. It helps.
With awareness comes fear. Memories and worries nearly overwhelm him. Nick. Is he still a Grimm? Does he know about Adalind's plan?
"Nick... Grimm... still a Grimm?"
"What? What do you mean?"
Nick has never seen Renard like this. He looks up at him with eyes filled with panic and terror. The injured zauberbiest moves. The pain must be excruciating! He half turns toward him, shaking hands gripping the lapels of his jacket. It is so much like after he's lost the coins and simultaneously nothing like that time at all. There's desperation, fear and powerlessness but these feelings are not born of greed or allusions of greatness.
It is fear for him... and for his Grimm, whatever that means.
Nick takes those shaking hands into his own, pries them away gently and guides the powerful, battered 'biest to lie back on the bed. Renard must be completely out of it, if he's showing his emotions this openly. It disconcerts and worries him.
"Easy. Don't move around. You'll make your injuries worse."
Renard does not let go of his hands. His face is marred by pain but his lips are moving, trying to tell him something:
"Nick! Adalind... wanted... steal Grimm p'wers. Did... did... the trank?"
The air in Nick's lungs turns to molasses while his blood runs cold.
"No. I... I didn't. It smashed on the ground before Hank could give it to me. Why? I mean... how can I not be a Grimm anymore?"
"Adalind. Spell. Verfl... Zwillings... schwester. Did she...?"
Nick feels the urge to throw up. He answers anyway. In a hoarse whisper.
"Yes. She did. She... looked exactly like Juliette."
Never before has he seen such devastation on the Captain's face. The edges of Nick's vision blur while small details like droplets of cold sweat on Renard's brow stand out. Blood rushes in his ears. He cannot comprehend how this could happen.
I should have known!
That single thought, which has been hurled at him in angry accusation hours ago, makes his insides turn.
What an irony. What a fucking irony.
I should have known...
He's gripping at straws now.
"But... but I saw you woge!"
Renard's eyes widen.
"You... when?!"
Nick's bewilderment grows but he's always been empathetic. Maybe Renard is embarrassed by this.
"When you woke up. You were in great pain. It's okay. Pain and meds made your control slip... that's... that's okay... Nobody else saw it."
Sean thinks his heart may stop or burst.
"You saw me... woge..." He lets his head fall back onto the pillows, relief flooding him. He turns his head to the side until he can see Nick again. Suddenly all strength is sapped from his body, leaving him barely conscious and at the end of his mental rope.
He cannot help the shadow of a smile tipping up the corners of his mouth. Only briefly. Only a short glimpse yet speaking volumes.
Hiding his emotions is damn difficult in his state. He needs to draw back. But he's so relieved that it hasn't been in vain.
"You... still... Grimm."
Nick's eyes grow impossibly large.
"So you mean... it didn't work? Adalind's... Adalind's whatever didn't work?!"
"You saw me woge."
Those words are a mere whisper but sound like an absolution.
Now that Sean's greatest fear has been assuaged, consciousness slips away faster than he can fathom. The last thing he knows is Nick's head coming to rest on his shoulder in a barely there touch and the sound of a hitched breath. Before he can make anything of it he slips into blackness.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
After leaving Renard to recuperate and calling Hank to plan their next steps he drives to Monroe and Rosalee's house. He needs a moment to gather himself before he can get out of the car. He needs to regain control. Adalind's curse – Verfluchte Zwillingsswester Renard has called it – may hasn't worked but that does not make it any more bearable... not by far at least.
Okay, small steps. Just rebuild what's been broken. Just...Oh, fuck, who am I kidding? Still. I need to start somewhere.
He exits his car and rings the doorbell with the firm intention of apologizing for ruining the wedding of his two best friends. He gets enveloped in a two-people hug instead.
„Hey, Nick. We've heard from Hank what has happened... all of it. How are you holding up? And how is the Captain... if you already have news, anyway?"
„Err... Renard is on the mend. I talked to him shortly before I came here. But honestly, I'm not sure you should be asking me how I'm faring. After all I ruined your wedding! If Adalind… if she hadn't tried to get revenge, you would never have come into this situation. It was my Grimm powers she was after, although for some reason stealing them didn't work. Anyway, that's not important now. What I want to say is, I'm sorry! How are you? How are you holding up?"
He cannot meet their eyes, afraid that they are disappointed in him and that the paper thin grip on his emotions will slip any moment now. When a large hand settles on his shoulder and a smaller one on his cheek his head whips up in surprise. His wide eyed gaze is met by Rosalee's warm, sympathetic and Monroe's fondly exasperated one. He backs away instinctively but halts the movement once he realizes what he's doing. Monroe and Rosalee shoot him concerned glances but leave his actions uncommented.
„Come on, dude. Adalind wrecking havoc again is hardly your fault. It's good to hear that her plan didn't work out, though. And hey, we are married now!"
At the end Monroe's tone turns smug and it elicits a tiny smile from Nick.
„How are you and Juliette doing?"
This is Rosalee and Nick can read the question not asked: Are you and Juliette okay?
„We're fine. It's fine…. No, it's not."
He hangs his head, pacing the room. It's all eating him up. But surely he's making a fuss about nothing… like Juliette said. He should man up and not burden his friends with his trivial problems! When he tells himself that, it all sounds reasonable, it sounds easy.
He just cannot see it that way, no matter how often he tells himself. He feels so near to breaking that it truly frightens him. A lump the size of a football forms in his throat and for the life of him he cannot look at them. He is too afraid about what he may see... and what he may reveal to them.
„Okay, okay, mate. This is a conversation for tea. Definitely a tea conversation, isn't it, Rosie?"
The freshly married couple ushers him into the kitchen and into a chair while he still fights for control. He hasn't slept since yesterday and does not think that he would be able to even if he tried now. He wants to be alone while at the same time he wants comfort and company. It's a constant battle fought within him.
No matter what his mind decides in the end, they won't let him off the hook before he spills the beans, anyway. He takes a deep breath. Telling them while keeping it together is so much more difficult than just pushing it to the deepest recesses of his mind and to top it off, there's a niggle of constant fear, that they won't understand….
„Nick. No stalling. You're going to have tea with us, you're going to like whatever I set before you and you'll tell us what's on your mind."
Suiting actions to words a mug is placed in front of him. He can feel Monroe's stare boring into him. He does not have to look to imagine how the blutbad looks right now: His bushy browed scowl never strays away from him, not for a single moment. Nick finally crumbles. He cradles the big mug in his hands just to give them something to do.
„It's difficult. Juliette is still at that motel room. She is angry… understandably…. I should have known. I have been the... active part... I shouldn't feel..."
„Nick, stop right there!"
It's Rosalee and her tone is fiercer than he has heard in a long time.
„If you're going to finish that sentence, I'll strangle you! Only because you are a man and Adalind is a woman doesn't make her actions right! Or easier to deal with. Adalind did something incredibly deceitful, that you had no way of anticipating. I am aware that this is difficult for Juliette but she should not forget that being intimate with a woman you hate has been forced upon you. She has to see that you did not want this."
She takes his hand, squeezing it gently. Nick heaves a sigh. If it were only this simple.
„I know that. And I think Juliette also does. I mean, I just have to give her time. As you've said, it's been difficult for her, too. And… we both need time… but we'll manage. It's going to be fine."
He makes a real effort to smile encouragingly. He even manages to hide a grimace at tasting what Monroe passes off as herbal tea.
"Now you two need to pack and enjoy your honeymoon and I don't want to hear anything that's not holiday stories or a postcard greetings from where ever you are going to go."
"You are just trying to get out of tasting my wonderful herbal tea, Mister."
"I did taste it... tiny sip... see? And I would never even dream of hurrying you along to get out of finishing it. I love your tea... but now I need to be going."
"You are a bad liar."
"That's why you like me."
They let Nick steer them away from heavier topics for now. They will need to talk about this sometime in the future but they also respect Nick's choice of when that will happen.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
In the weeks to come things between him and Juliette are tense. He tries to make it right, anyhow. Despite knowing – in the deepest recesses of his mind – that he shouldn't need to do so, that she should be there for him like he would be for her, he does his best to make it right.
Another problem arises, though. When they have grown close enough again, that Juliette initiates contact of her own, he finds that he cannot bear it. At first he hides his adverse reaction. She is only meaning well. He should like that she seeks cuddling and touching like in the past. Thing is, he doesn't. Every time she touches him, no matter how hard he tries, there is a point when he grows panicky with fear that it might not be Juliette touching him but Adalind!
The more he tries to let her in, the worse it gets. He doesn't know what to do! He knows that she wouldn't understand. One evening it escalates.
She has caught him by surprise. He has been poring over some case files when she places a hand on the back of his neck. Before he can reign in his instincts he's half out of the chair and backing further away. When she asks what the hell is wrong with him he tells her. She is his girlfriend. He should be honest with her.
It results in her slapping him across the face and demanding to know, how he could even for one moment think she is Adalind. He tries to explain that this is just what makes it so bad... that he cannot differentiate, but she sees no reason.
After that he sleeps on the couch, barely sleeping at all and feeling more vulnerable and alone than ever.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Sean has been back on active duty for a while now. His wounds have healed well – as attested by his mother, who has payed her son a surprise visit as soon as she has heard of the attack... and bought him a new, safer home while she's been at it. It is nice to know her in the vicinity for once.
In the background he's pulling strings to get those responsible for his near death. Openly sending an assassin now? Really, if it hadn't almost killed him it would have been laughable. Thinking about it, maybe he should take the time and breath to thank Griffin for shooting the man before he could put a fourth bullet into him.
All in all things have calmed down satisfactorily. Apart from one matter that still occupies his thoughts: Nick Burkhardt.
When Nick appears at work that day, Sean notices a few things: There is a vivid bruise on his left cheek and he looks like he hasn't slept properly in days. It begins to worry him. His Detective has been withdrawn ever since the day of Monroe's and Rosalee's wedding but this is something else entirely. He wonders where he's gotten that bruise. It could have been Grimm work but somehow Sean doubts that.
It's a good thing then, that he has a question to ask Nick, anyway. It will be a good opportunity to check on him.
As of late he has felt a strong protective streak toward the Grimm. He may not be known for bearing his emotions on his sleeve (or anywhere other than deep inside) but after what has happened to Nick even he can sympathize.
In fact, private and proud man that he is, he may be better able to relate what damage such a breech into your inner sanctum – both bodily and emotionally – can do to you.
Sean has the distinct feeling that Nick is not getting the support at home that he should and a cautious voice tells him that the red hand print on his cheek is related to that. Unexpected is the rather fierce stance his inner 'biest takes on this. He has to exert all of that iron control he is famous for to keep his wesen side from rearing up in a protective rage.
It is most disconcerting, really. Miss Silverton has done nothing to him. He does not even have evidence that she is anything but a loving partner to Nick. He is going by instinct alone, but still do his jaw muscles tense and his nostrils flare at the very thought of her.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
The question he still needs to ask is a mundane one. He could have done it all day and been done in 2 minutes straight. Something keeps him from doing it, anyway. A hunch, an instinct. He isn't sure. He only knows that, when the Grimm drops off his report late that evening while everyone else has already left, the time has come.
"Nick, one last thing before you leave: There is that award ceremony we are all required to attend next week. Shall I book one or two seats for you? Hank will come alone, too, so that would be fine, but in case you want me to set Miss Silverton on the list..."
"No!"
Nick blushes deep crimson. Renard raises an eyebrow. That has been unexpected. He pins his Detective with a narrow eyed stare, waiting for an explanation.
"I mean, no need to. Just one seat is fine."
"If you are sure. But it would be no problem at all to have her attend."
"No, I would rather not... that she accompanied me."
Sean does not believe his ears. Neither the content of his words nor that down trodden tone seem to fit the man he has come to know. He cannot even seem to meet his gaze. Sean clears his throat to prompt him into looking up and is perturbed to find himself faced with haunted gray eyes. It is a short glimpse only but it has all of Sean's alarm bells ringing. He has seen too many relationships going from defunct to violent to leave this unattended.
He comes around his desk with slow, measured steps, leaning back against it and looking down on his Detective with as much open concern as he can bring himself to reveal. This is not easy for him. Showing that you care means handing out potential weapons to your enemies. Not that Nick belongs to that group.
"Nick, I have the feeling that you are not coping well at the moment."
The Grimm glares halfheartedly at that. It seems more a defense mechanism than any real anger. Even the way he crosses his arms in front of his chest looks more lost than aggressive.
"Well. A lot has happened lately. I'm doing the best I can. Sorry, if I'm not all chipper."
Sean raises an eyebrow and glares back until his Detective loses his attitude.
"Nick, I know that you are trying and I know you cannot talk about it to someone with professional training given that it's all wesen related but I am willing to listen."
Nick scoffs at that, pulls up defensive walls around him faster than one can blink. He opens his mouth – no doubt to give another off handed comment to distract him – but Sean holds up a hand to stall him.
"Let me rephrase this: I have the feeling that Miss Silverton makes this more difficult on you than she has any right to."
Nick's eyes stray to the side for an instant before his brows furrow and he meets his Captain's gaze squarely. Seeing determination and not a small amount of reproach there, one would think to have imagined his moment of insecurity. Sean knows it hasn't been imagination. On the contrary, it seems he has hit the nail on the head.
"It's not her fault. I should have known. She feels betrayed and I cannot fault her for that."
He sounds steady enough. Just like the decent man he is, staying strong, taking the blame and the brunt. But Sean knows him well by now. He is aware of how his character traits may trip him up, no matter how well Burkhardt deceives himself.
"You gave me a reason, Nick. You did not deny my statement, however."
The zauberbiest captures his Detective's eyes with an intense gaze, that Nick cannot escape. Sean sees the inner struggle. Already his Detective's lips are parting to deny his words and yet he cannot seem to get anything out. Only a tiny push is needed to make him open up. Nick has doubts in his own reasoning, that much is clear. He needs to see. If he is correct in his assumption on what has happened at his home, then the Grimm needs to tell him.
It's all there is his expressive face. A battle within, fought silently. Guilt and shame against hurt and righteous anger.
Sean finds that he really wants to help, so he decides to push:
"It may not be my place to be asking, but as I said I am willing to listen. Let's face it. You did not get that hand shaped bruise from nowhere. What has happened? Be honest with me. You are obviously struggling and I want to help."
His Detective pulls back even further into himself. Of course, he does not want to talk about this... cannot do so, maybe. Still he remains frozen to the spot, fighting that inner battle. Sean is patient and his offer is genuine. He remembers well waking up at hospital, confused and riddled by pain. Nick has been there for him despite all that had to be weighing on his mind at the time.
On a hunch he decides openness may be his best shot:
"When I woke up after being shot, you were there. And when I asked you, when you had seen me woge, your first thought was to spare me embarrassment even though it should have been whether you had lost your powers or not. I want to return the favor... to be there and listen."
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Nick can barely believe his ears. Ever since that night with Adalind he's felt like drifting in the open sea, barely staying afloat and with no hope of being saved. It is like Renard is throwing him a life line...
And yet he is this close to taking a proverbial knife to cut that line.
Juliette does not deserve my scorn. It is my fault that I am being an idiot about that whole touch thing. She is only meaning well...
"Nick... what has happened? I do not intent to bring anyone behind bars but I need to know if you are in this deeper than you can work out of."
'I can take care of myself!' is already on his tongue, but hearing Renard's voice so very near has him rearing back in shock. Seeing his Captain directly in front of him, however, does not bear the same horror as having Juliette touching him. That fact catches him off guard. He focuses half on the best flight path and half on Renard's face. For once there is no calculation, there is concern and empathy. It is such a stark contrast to the hooded, cool expression he normally sports, that it breaks him out of his first impulse to flee. He looks at his Captain... really looks for once.
And that's when he perceives his hand hovering just above his shoulder and yet not moving an inch farther. The message is clear:
The mighty Royal, the zauberbiest Prince and, of course, his superior is asking permission, if he may touch him. If he may do something as simple as placing a hand on his shoulder in comfort.
Seeing that really drives it home. He remembers that Juliette did not do so even once ever since the night with Adalind. She, who should have been most perceptive of his fear, has never paused to think about it. Even last night, after he has explained everything and she has slapped him, she has touched him again. Placed her hand on his cheek, above the fiery print, and now that he realizes that, he also remembers her expression when she's done it.
It has been pure spite.
The lump in his throat, which has been growing ever since Renard first hinted at his defunct home situation, becomes impossibly large. As a cop he knows all there is to know about domestic abuse and so on. This isn't about that.
Juliette has been angry, that is all... She has felt spiteful because I have hurt her.
If he knows all this, why does he need to close his eyes, to squeeze them shut tightly to push out that damn ache in his chest?
Without a conscious thought he moves forward a tiny step so that Renard's hand lands on his shoulder, after all.
At first there's tension, then acceptance and warmth seeping through his thin henley shirt at the ongoing contact. That hand squeezes his shoulder gently. A thumb rubs small patterns. Nick lets out a breath he has been unaware of holding.
"Come on. Sit down and then let's talk about this."
And surprisingly it does not seem such an impossible task anymore. Renard is neutral ground. He is not as close as his friends but he knows enough, is close enough to tell him. With his friends there is always that subconscious fear that they will find him unworthy of their friendship when he tells them more. Shame burns deep in his gut. It is of no consequence that realistically they would never think of him like that... The fear of losing them, shame in front of them is too great to confide in them.
He grows aware of being pushed into a chair and that another one is pulled up. He sets his attention back on the other man even while an inner voice whispers to him that it is easier to keep looking at the ground. Anything is better than seeing the same lack of understanding that he has found on Juliette's face at his revelation.
But Renard isn't like that. He sits with his elbows resting on his thighs, leaning forward slightly, and patiently waits for his Detective to explain himself.
"I am not comfortable with Juliette accompanying me because lately things have been difficult between us."
"Hmm."
"It's... it's..." Nick breaks off, looking at him like he wants him to be a mind reader so that he does not have to spell it out. Sean can certainly understand the sentiment. The only thing he can offer, though, is patience. The Grimm buries his fingers in his hair, gripping strands of it tightly before letting go and simply pushing unruly bangs out of his eyes.
"Ever since Adalind changed into Juliette and... we had sex... I... I cannot bear her touch anymore. Juliette's touch I mean. What really gets to me is the fact that there was not a single difference between the two! Juliette keeps insisting that I should have known... or that it cannot have been all that bad, if there was seemingly no difference between Adalind and her..."
He huffs a bitter laugh and both know that he's on the verge of cracking. If not his laugh then maybe the violent shudder is a dead give away.
"... but there was no way how I could have known... And that's really messing with my head! No matter how hard I try there's always a point when I fear that it might be Adalind, after all. … That she has slipped into my home again to wreck havoc and hurt people. I know it's stupid. I should be over it already, damn it! But I just cannot do it. I'm too weak or whatever. Maybe I'm becoming paranoid. I don't know! Anyway, last night Juliette caught me by surprise. She touched my neck. I nearly overthrew a table in my haste to get away from her. Needless to say, she was not amused... and even less amused when I explained matters."
By the time he has ended he is sitting in a position similar to the zauberbiest's, arms propped up on his thighs, kneading his hands and staring somewhere at the ground.
Renard is silent for a long time but when he speaks Nick finds himself drawn in. He looks up despite his fear that he'll find disgust and mockery on the other man's face.
There is none. Just grave seriousness and a deeper understanding of matters than Nick would have expected.
"So she has slapped you."
"Hmm."
"Have you thought about ending your relationship with Juliette?"
"No! It's not..."
"Not her fault?"
Nick gives a terse, mute nod.
"I agree that Adalind's actions are not her fault... but they aren't yours either. I know the dynamics of Verfluchte Zwillingsschwester. There is no way to distinguish the two individuals going by appearance. Someone who knows that the zaubertrank is used might be able to pick up differences in behavior but you couldn't have known because you were not expecting such a thing to happen. That, and Adalind is a masterful actress. You could not have known!"
Nick looks away frowning and Sean knows why. Telling himself that he could have prevented this is easier than admitting that his fiance's behavior has been wrong.
"I will even give it to Juliette that she has felt slighted in the beginning but as soon as she had seen your struggle and especially your reaction yesterday she should have seen sense. I know that you have always worked hard to make this relationship work, even at the time when she had lost her memories of you. Maybe now is the time to give yourself some space."
"I just need to work harder!"
This is not the level-headed Detective Sean knows. This is a desperate and hurting man who grasps at straws to keep from breaking down.
"No, Nick, you do not. For once it is Juliette who needs to work harder. She needs to give you space and time, just like you have done when she's needed it, and if she does not understand that, maybe then she is not the right person to be with. I am not telling you to break things off with her but you should contemplate, if what she brings into your relationship is really good for both of you."
Nick doesn't answer but he can see that he is thinking about his words. That's something. Both take a moment to gather themselves, to find back to their usual roles and onto comfortable ground.
"And now you should try to get some sleep. It's up to you, if you call Monroe or Hank, or even if you sleep on my couch. Of course you can go home as well. You are a grown man I won't make that decision for you. Just know that my place is available should you decide you need it."
He looks deeply into Nick's eyes, locking gazes and not letting go until his Detective gives another nod.
"Thanks. I mean it. I did not expect to be bothering you with my worries tonight... but talking about it helped, anyway. Thank you."
"Your welcome. I will see you tomorrow then."
"Yeah. See you tomorrow."
They leave it at that. Nick opts for the trailer instead of bothering him even longer but talking to the zauberbiest has shifted some things into perspective.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
When he is tired all the time and gets frequent headaches, he chalks it up to stress. When he starts feeling nauseous in the morning, throwing up more often than not, he thinks the whole situation with Juliette is finally getting to him.
When all this doesn't stop and an appointment with his doctor does not yield any results, he begins to have a terrible suspicion. But that cannot be. He is a man… but he is also a Grimm, so who knows what else his ancestors have in store for him.
As he's sleeping either on the couch or in the trailer, anyway, it is a convenient opportunity to check what his Grimm books have to say on the matter. He finds it shortly before dawn. It is only a tiny side reference. It is a foot note that makes life as he knows it crumble around him!
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
His cell phone feels like lead in his hand as he takes it up and pushes speed dial for Rosalee. He cannot tell her but she might still know someone he can go to. He just has to play this right.
Even as he contemplates that he feels bad for hiding things from her. His left hand slips to his stomach while he unconsciously hunches in on himself. He needs help. He needs someone to talk to about all this yet there is nobody. There's simply nobody who he can burden with this knowledge.
And frankly, he is deadly afraid that they will think less of him… that they will hate him… and the child he may bear.
He tries to take a deep breath but half way through it hitches in the beginnings of a sob.
Don't loose your head! You need to be strong! You cannot…!
„Hey, Nick? What can I do for my favorite Grimm today?"
„Oh God, Rosalee!"
Hearing her warm voice nearly tears Nick in half. He needs her help so badly but fear that she will find out and be disgusted has him in a choke hold.
„Everything okay? You sound… odd. Do you need help with a case… or anything else?"
He clears his throat in an attempt to get out any words.
How is it possible that I am so emotional these days? I cannot seem to hold it together! Come on, Nick, gather your wits and keep a cool head!
„Yes… a case. You see, I have this case and I want to help a woman. If a wesen were to look for a doctor to do a pregnancy test, where would she need to go?"
„Um, let me think…. Dr. Cransbury would be a good choice. He is a kehrseite schlich kennen with vast knowledge about all things wesen and he has his office here in Portland. I'll send you his contact details."
„Thanks. That's great but is he...?"
"Understanding, tolerant and discreet?"
He can hear hear warm amusement.
"Yes." Nick closes his eyes in desperation. Surely his perceptive friend can spot his anxiety a mile away.
"Nick, he is one of the most open, good hearted persons I know... and he's impartial because of his kehrseite status. The woman, is it someone I know? I mean, this seems to be very important to you. Can I help in any way?
„No…. No, it's not someone you know. And I have it under control."
Saying this almost causes him physical pain. He hates lying to her and above all he wants someone to talk to about this. It's difficult to admit but he needs comfort and advice what the hell he is supposed to do now! His throat closes up but he swallows around it.
„Rosie… just know that you're helping already. I need to be off now. Thank you again."
„Okay. Just call if you need anything else."
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
He has just returned from his appointment with Dr. Cransbury. Rosalee has been right about him. He's been great and has not even batted an eye when he has told him about his heritage. He has largely omitted the circumstances of how he came to be impregnated, only that it has to do with a hexenbiest, but their conversation has cleared up some matters nonetheless. Furthermore he feels comfortable with the doctor. Something in his down to earth, warm demeanor assauges his initial misgivings. That's something, isn't it?
Pressure builds behind his eyes, tears threatening to leak out. They have performed the test.
He, Nicholas Burkhardt, is pregnant and approximately three months along.
How this is possible?
Some weird shit about Grimms being so near to being extinct that evolution has thought up this neat little trick.
How he of all people came to get knocked up?
A rare chain of events that shouldn't have come to pass. A once in a century thing, according to his doctor.
It has happened anyway.
A sob tears through the Grimm. In the solitude of his own home he stumbles into the bathroom to throw up violently. For once it isn't morning sickness. It is gut wrenching fear.
Juliette is away on a three day vet congress. It is his only saving grace.
She cannot see me like this. She cannot know. It isn't her fault. She wouldn't understand… would hate me.
In his grief he ignores these thoughts completely, or maybe he simply pushes them away as too hurtful on top of it all.
He slides down along the tiled wall, letting sobs overtake him. One hand comes to rest on his mostly flat belly in a protective gesture. It's instinct. He doesn't understand it.
Help. I need help.
He's screwed. He feels so utterly alone yet doesn't know where to go.
Because he's ashamed… and frightened out of his mind! He bears the child of a person who he hates, who has all but raped him and who has made all their lives living hell. Harsh breaths echo through the bathroom. Another wave of fear, of nausea, another gut wrenching sob. Throwing up again. Being overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.
I am pregnant. The child is Adalind's. How... how can I keep it? How can I not hate it?!
And in this moment a whole new horror assaults him:
It is bearing an innocent child, a tiny living being that may be hated despite having no part in its parents' crimes. What Adalind did to him has been terrible but so much worse is the thought that he might hurt that child within him because he is not strong enough to rise above his hate for its mother!
His arms come around his belly, now truly enveloping his midsection... and his baby. He curls up on the floor. He wants to keep the little one... he needs to keep and protect it.
He knows what to do. There's no way around it. It hurts him. It tears him up until he's all raw inside.
It is not its fault. It's not the baby's fault!
And this time he means it. It is no denial or deluding himself, no protecting the wrong person, no betraying himself.
He does not sleep that night. He doesn't feel good even now that he knows what to do, because a thousand fears ghost through his mind.
How can I protect my unborn child through Grimm and Police work? How can I be there for it despite my job? How can I bear looking at it when I know who is its mother? Oh, God! How do we get through the next months without Juliette finding out? How...?
It's too much. Emotions are going crazy on him, leaving him ragged and vulnerable. At some point he simply shuts down.
Only at the crack of dawn he resurfaces from what he realizes now has been a major anxiety attack. Slowly he gets up from the ground, walks into the kitchen, makes coffee, throws it away – because he is pregnant and coffee is a no go. He makes plans. Cautious, half baked plans that all involve one thing:
He needs to tell the Captain. He needs to inform his superior so that they may make contingency plans and think up safety measures.
He needs Renard because he is the only one he can go to with this...
And weirdly because he feels safe with him.
It is half past four in the morning. He gets into his car and drives off.
Nick turns up on Renard's doorstep 20 minutes later. He shivers in the cool morning air.
God, I haven't felt cold in like forever! Not since being zombified anyway.
Another violent shiver. He's in shock. On some level he realizes that.
A heavy drizzle has set in. He must have stood there for quite some time just spacing out. He's drenched.
He rings the doorbell. Once, twice. Ears straining he hears Renard getting up, checking for intruders, looking at his door monitor, finally turning the door knob.
He still startles badly when the door opens and the zauberbiest appears in front of him. Damn it. He's really out of it. He knows this and cannot do a fucking thing about it.
The zauberbiest frowns, tilts his head slightly and narrows his eyes. His scrutiny makes Nick feel naked on a silver platter.
"Nick, what are you doing here at..." A glance at his watch. "...At shortly after 5 in the morning?"
"I..." His lower lip trembles, his jaw muscles clench. He cannot get out the words. Another shiver, more violent this time. He feels on the verge of another panic attack. Telling Renard makes this nightmare real.
The perceptive 'biest takes up every tidbit. From his haggard appearance to shivers to that utterly lost look in stormy eyes.
"You look like shit. Come in."
This may sound harsh but the hands taking him by the arms and pulling him inside are not.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Sean leads his Grimm into the living room and pushes him down to sit on the sofa without uttering so much as a word. His actions show a certain hurry, because, honestly, he fears Nick might fall if he doesn't get him to sit down quickly. The last time he has looked this bad has been when he's been freshly out of zombieland. What has happened to shake up the imperturbable Detective so much?
He ponders if this is a time for whiskey or blankets and sweet tea but on a hunch decides on the second.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Nick notices that he has been staring into space when his hands are wrapped around a steaming mug and a thick blanket is dropped around his shoulders.
"Nick." The tone of Renard's voice – somewhere between concern and exasperation – tells him that the Prince hasn't called him for the first time. He makes sure to actually focus on the man this time.
"Ah, you are finally with me. I was already contemplating slapping you to get you out of subspace."
Nick is sure that this is partially true. Renard is like that.
"Nick, what has happened."
Some measure of clear-headedness returns to him. He focuses, truly focuses now.
This is the point of no return.
"I have come, Captain, to inform you of a case of pregnancy. My own... pregnancy."
Where Nick's words have been formal and without emotion at first, his voice cracks at the last. Renard's forehead creases. He leans forward in the armchair he has folded himself into.
"Care to repeat that?"
When Nick meets his eyes now Sean perceives the full scale of his trauma.
"I am pregnant. Adalind did not steal my powers. She knocked me up with a child... Three months... I am three months along."
Nick pales so drastically that Sean thinks he will faint. He doesn't but he does not seem to get enough air into his lungs either!
First things first: He takes the mug out of the Grimm's hands and places it onto the coffee table.
„Nick. Nick! Come on, focus on me!"
His Detective is staring ahead, mouth open and sucking in harsh, utterly ineffective breaths.
„Detective, head between your knees and then deep and slow breaths."
The Captain suits actions to words, clamps his hand down on Nick's neck and pushes his head down until it is resting between his knees.
„One breath at a time. Hold it. Good. Now let it out…. And again."
This is Renard's business voice. As a cop Nick has been trained to obey his superior. The Captain knows this and uses it to their advantage.
„Deep breaths. Keep it up."
When he is halfway himself again Nick makes to raise his head but Renard is having none of it.
„No. You are not yet through. Keep your head down and concentrate on breathing."
In accordance to his command that large hand stays on his neck. Nick would have expected to feel the same terror as when Juliette has touched him but apart from slight annoyance at being manhandled like this he only feels calmed by it. Curious.
„Are you with me again?"
„Hmm."
„Verbal answer, Detective."
An exasperated sigh, which Sean takes as a good sign.
„I am still totally fucked up, but I'm feeling less like my lungs are a foreign object implanted into my chest for decorative purposes."
„That has to suffice for now."
The pressure on his neck lets up, prompting Nick to rise from his position. If he thinks that Renard will let him be now he's wrong. He's taken by the shoulders and pushed backward until he's actually resting against the back of the sofa.
God, how embarrassing!
„It's okay. I'm okay now."
„Have you seen yourself in the mirror? I am taking no chances. If you want to convince me that you are better, drink your tea."
They remain like this for a while. Nick doing as he's been told and Renard watching him like a hawk. When the Bastard Prince leans forward, loosely entwining long fingers and pinning him with a piercing gaze, Nick knows it is time for their talk.
„So, let me get this straight: When Adalind used Verfluchte Zwillingsschwester to turn into Juliette and have sex with you, she did not steal your powers like would have been normal, but somehow impregnated you."
„Yes."
„I have to ask this: How do you know you are pregnant?"
„I did the test. I went to a doctor."
„You went to a doctor?!" It is clear that Renard is not comfortable with the thought.
„Yes, I did. Rosalee recommended him. And I did a background check, of course."
„Hmm. So Rosalee knows."
„No, she doesn't."
There it is again: His gaze straying to the ground, shame flickering across expressive features.
„I asked her where a wesen woman would need to go to perform a pregnancy test in a safe environment." The words spill out on a soft exhale. Like an admittance of guilt, which for Nick it surely is. Sean can imagine quite well what goes on in his Detective's head. He's not only overwhelmed by the situation, he is also beating himself up over hiding this from his friends... and a whole lot of other things as well most likely. They will need to address that but not now.
"Where does Juliette stand in all this?"
"She doesn't know either. She is on a three day vet congress. I wouldn't know how to tell her, anyway."
There's less guilt this time and more wariness. Renard decides to let the matter slide for now. There are more practical things to discuss.
„There are spells and zaubertraenke to disguise your pregnancy. There are even ways to protect the child while still in the womb. But those are technicalities. There is only one important question: Nick, do you want this child?"
Sean captures the Grimm's gaze. He draws him in with those jade green eyes and does not give him a chance to look away.
He sees it all in his face. He is uncomfortable, he is torn and ashamed.
„Yes. Yes… I do want it… but…."
There is so much hurt, something so haunted in Nick's expression and posture. Something in Sean cracks at seeing this. He would never have thought to be in this position... to be a confidant to Nick Burkhardt, lost and almost broken Grimm. But he is...
And he intents to see this through. Nick has come to him with something that cannot be easy for him in any way. He did it, anyway. No matter how shrewd and calculating the zauberbiest can be, this time his agenda is an altruistic one: It is to help this man.
„But what?" It is a soft query, a gentle prompt to open up to him. Nick opens and closes his mouth a few times without getting anything out. He's breathing faster again. The enormity of it all seems to swallow him whole. This is no trivial matter. This is about a child. A living being.
„I… I do want it… I want to protect and nurture it and take care… but… but I am so damn afraid that I will hate it because of who is its mother!"
Nick voice cracks at the end. He hunches in on himself, one hand going to his belly, one hand burying in his hair. Nick is shaking violently. Sean follows his instincts for once and places a hand on his shoulder - slowly, carefully and only after the distraught Grimm has had time to draw away should he desire to do so.
„You won't hate your child. The moment you see the miracle that is a new living being you will love it no matter what the circumstances of its conception. Believe me, I speak from experience. I do have a child with Adalind."
„But what if I neglect it… or mistreat it… or…?! I cannot… I cannot…. It isn't the child's fault! It isn't its fault!"
Nick works himself up into a state faster than he can fathom! Tears and ragged gasps. He cannot stop it. He does not understand why this is happening so damn fast!
"Nick?... Nick! May I draw you into my arms? You are sliding into another panic attack and I have the feeling that you need my help."
Renard's voice, deep and soothing. The question perfunctory and still it mends a deep wound that has not closed ever since Juliette threw his own fear in his face. The strong zauberbiest could overpower him in the blink of an eye, especially now, but he does not.
Nick cannot answer. Renard seems to understand, anyway, for he is drawn into strong arms. One hand settles on the back of his neck, the other holds him tight. His cheek touches the smooth fabric of the Captain's shirt. His shivers and half-sobs are absorbed by his strong, heavy built body.
"Okay, okay. Now just try to draw a full breath. Come on, you can do this."
Nick doesn't notice his own tears. Not before he wants to speak and finds his throat constricted.
He gasps for air, squeezes his eyes shut. His worst fear is mistreating that innocent little bundle of life. He's never been as afraid as right now. Like before in his bathroom all gets too much. He must have made a sound.
„Shhh. You won't do any of those things. You will love your child. You will give it everything you can and once it is born, it will make things right in ways you cannot even fathom right now. It will be okay. You will be alright and so will be your child. It's okay... And now calm down. We will find a way. You have all our support. You may haven't told them yet, but your friends will be there for you as well. It will be okay."
They remain like this for an indeterminable space of time. Renard holding him while Nick tries to get his head around it all. There's nothing sappy about it. Just now Sean Renard, zauberbiest and Bastard Prince, is the one person keeping the Grimm from going crazy.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
"Sorry, Sir. Damn. We need to get to precinct. I have wasted all this time just freaking out and bothering you. 'm sorry."
Renard shakes his head. They are sitting on the thick, expensive rug in front of the Prince's sofa, no longer huddled together, just facing each other.
"No need to be sorry. And you will not go to precinct today. You are in no state to work."
The tall 'biest stands and, extending a hand, pulls Nick up with him.
"I have a guestroom. I will show you to it, you will get into bed and sleep."
Nick makes to protest but Sean stalls him with one level gaze.
"No arguments. Going by what you've told me you haven't slept in at least 20 hours and you've had more than one anxiety attack. Your first step to treating your child well is taking care of yourself and thereby of it. Understood?"
His tone leaves no room for arguments but his gaze is amicable enough.
"Yes, Sir. I doubt I'll be able to sleep but I will try."
"Good. There is food and drink in the fridge. If you desire to do so, you can take a shower later. For now just try to rest. Tonight when I return from work we will start making plans. I meant what I said earlier, we will see you through this."
"Thank you. I mean it. What will you tell Hank about today?"
"That you called in sick and I gave you leave."
Renard leads the way upstairs to a simple but tastefully furnished room with a single bed. He leaves shortly only to return with a shirt and sweat pants.
"Your clothes are still damp. Change into these. There is no sense in courting a cold by staying in your clothes."
Nick knows he should feel annoyed at Renard's bossy behavior but somehow it is a relief to have decisions taken out of his hands for a while.
Once Renard has left the room Nick changes and gets under the covers although he doubts he'll be able to get a single wink of sleep.
At least he's not feeling as lost now as he has been hours ago. To be honest, just now is the first time his impending pregnancy does not seem like a one way road to disaster.
I can do this. Renard knows now and he is a strategic master mind. We will make plans... and make my baby safe.
That last thought is equally as hurtful as it begins to acquire a very special place in his heart. After telling Renard reality of bearing a child has slowly sunk in and with it an urge to protect and love that little being growing in his womb.
He isn't sure as of yet how he will manage or how his future will look but he knows without a doubt that the child within him has done nothing wrong and that he will do everything in his power to give it a good life!
He has been wrong about not getting any sleep. Almost as soon as his head hits the pillow he is out cold. It seems Renard's presence and promised help is more reassuring than he could have anticipated.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Sean readies himself for the day after he has left Nick in the relative privacy of his guest room, already making plans for what needs to be done to keep Nick and his baby safe.
Nick and his baby. What a weird thought. A feeling arises in his chest, that at first he cannot identify. Is it possessiveness? The need to know where Nick is and what he does? No, apparently not.
As he puts down his briefcase to wander back upstairs and check in on his Grimm one last time suddenly he is aware of what is driving him:
It is fierce protectiveness! It has been there in a weaker variant ever since he has learned of Adalind's plans to take his powers, but now it rears its head with a hitherto unprecedented ferocity.
This time said protectiveness has no reason to come up because Nick is fast asleep. In any other situation he would have smirked at finding the man like this after his vehement assertions on the contrary, but right now there is only profound relief coursing through him.
Nick looks truly exhausted and despite his athletic built lost and vulnerable among the covers. A shiver runs down the zauberbiest's spine in memory of the past two hours.
What is this man doing to me? In the past his problems wouldn't have shaken me quite so badly.
The level of Nick's distress has been worrying and implications about his home life are deeply disturbing.
Suffice to say, the pregnant Grimm needs all the sleep he can get and he will need all his strength to face what lies ahead. He closes the door quietly behind himself and makes his way to precinct.
There's nothing for it. If he wants to help Nick through this, his best shot is finding solutions to the various problems that may arise.
He can help Nick protect his child and ensure that his friends have his back no matter what. He has enough power to keep Adalind and Kronenberg from finding out and yet he fears being unable to protect him from the one person that could be Nick's downfall: Juliette Silverton.
He has never been given to self-deception and furthermore has experienced first hand what venom and ill will can be dropped on an innocent child, that's been unlucky enough to be born as the bastard of another woman. Of course, he could be wrong but he rather suspects that the redhead will hurt Nick deeply once she learns about his state.
Somewhere deep down even the Grimm seems to know. He wouldn't have held off telling her otherwise. Right now, though, Nick is still hoping for a future with her and Sean cannot do a thing about that.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
At precinct's main office he pens a note for Hank, telling him that Nick is on sick leave for a day and he should take Wu along to his investigations, before moving on to his office, shutting blinds and door behind him.
Once alone Sean takes out his burner phone, calls his mother and asks for a meeting as soon as possible. When she tells him she is free today around midday and if they shall meet for lunch Sean agrees with an uncharacteristically open show of gratitude and relief.
He picks out a secluded, largely unknown restaurant for their meeting and quietly asks his mother to work her hexenbiest magic to ensure their privacy. She raises an eyebrow at his request but complies at once, after they have ordered and been brought their respective drinks and meals.
„So tell me, son, what brings us together on this fine day?"
There's a spark of mischief in her eyes but also of knowing. Oh no, his mother is not deceived for one moment that this is a meeting purely for social reasons.
„I have disconcerting news and frankly I am in need of your expertise once again."
She raises her eyebrow in a perfect mirror image of her son.
„Apropos my expertise. You told me on our last meeting that Adalind's ploy to steal the Grimm's powers has been unsuccessful. Are you any wiser as to why that is?"
Sean's expression of carefully veiled concern has her on high alert. She is able to read her son in practically any situation even when nobody else is able to detect a shred of emotion on him, so showing his feelings on the matter almost openly is in her book a reason to worry. He sighs and takes a small sip of his water.
„The reason for one matter leads us directly to the other one I need to discuss with you. Nick is pregnant… with Adalind's child. He is about three months along and needs your help in disguising pregnancy and protecting the child."
Elizabeth Lascelles prides herself on being a tough, practically unshakable woman, who does not wear her emotions on her sleeve, but at this revelation her eyes widen and her lips part in shock.
„Well, that is an unexpected bit of news. So you mean… instead of stealing his powers she gave him part of her life essence and made him conceive a child? I must admit, I have heard about such phenomena but have always thought it to be rumors only."
„Apparently those rumors bear more truth than anyone has realized so far. Of course, it is in our interest to keep it at rumors and legends. It would put Nick in even greater danger if anyone were to know about this."
He proceeds to tell her everything from the circumstances of the child's conception to Nick's problems and fears. It isn't his intention to disclose things the Grimm has told him in private but he knows, if his mother is to brew that zaubertrank successfully, she needs to take everything into account. Be that the particulars of Nick's night with Adalind or his emotional state. Magic is particular that way.
„He has come to me early this morning to make his… confession, if you want. He is currently sleeping in my guest room. At least I hope he is. He looked about to collapse when he arrived and the following hours did not do him any good either."
Elizabeth places her hands on his larger ones.
„Oh, Sean. You seem, indeed, deeply worried about Nicholas."
There's no mocking in her voice, only empathy and a bit of surprise. Sean still finds the need to explain himself:
„You should have seen him, mother! I've already been surprised when he has opened up to me about his difficulties with Miss Silverton last month. To find him on my doorstep at five in the morning looking on the verge of losing it has been… disturbing."
He frowns, lost in memories of the last few hours. Elizabeth squeezes his hand gently, knowing that her son is not finished with what he wants to tell her. Sure enough those watchful green eyes focus back on her own an instant later.
„Do you know what was the reason for his second break down? It was fear that he will treat the child badly because of hating its mother! After all that has happened to him he would have all the reason to be angry and hurt but his sole concern is the well being of a child, that has been forced upon him! He does not deserve to be broken by this... not when his concern is for a yet unborn bastard child. I need to help them. Call me a fool but I feel a truly disconcerting urge to protect both of them."
Elizabeth has her own theory on what is the driving force behind her son's actions but telling him would only make things more difficult and push him to distance himself from his feelings, so she takes their initial line of conversation back up.
"After what you've told me about your stay in the hospital and about this morning I find myself reaffirmed in thinking that your Detective is a decent man. It speaks for him that he puts his unborn before himself despite in what way it has been conceived. Of course, I will help you. I guess you are asking for a shadowing trank and something to protect the child while still in the womb?"
"Yes, I am. And know that I am deeply grateful for your assistance, mother."
"Helping you out is no hardship at all, especially seeing that I am absent from your life often enough as it is. Now let us discuss the particulars so that we may be able to help your Grimm as soon as possible."
"He is not my Grimm, mother. Far from it, actually. I have never seen a Grimm more independent and unheeding of any tradition or obligation to the royal houses. At times it is most frustrating."
You may deceive yourself into thinking that, dear son, but in reality you love him for it.
His tone shows dissatisfaction but, deeply hidden within, the wise hexenbiest detects a fondness that she has never found in him so far. It is with a secret little smile that she goes into details about zaubertraenke and workings of magic.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
Nick sleeps until late afternoon. He is surprised that it has been this long but has to admit that he feels better than before. Upon getting up he finds his clothes lying on one of the sideboards freshly laundered and folded. He remembers now: Renard has a housekeeper and said housekeeper must have taken it upon herself to wash his clothes. He wonders briefly, if she has simply dusted him over as part of the guest room fixtures while he's slept, and for the life of him he cannot decide if that thought is bad humor or marks him as slowly going crazy.
Whatever it is, he takes his clothes to the bathroom and takes up the Captain's offer on a shower. After that and a meal also left out by the industrious housekeeper he feels a lot better and calmer, more ready for what the world has in store for him.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
They are sitting at the kitchen table together, both nursing a big mug of hot beverage, and making plans for the future. Had anyone asked Nick a few weeks ago how high was the possibility of him and his Captain doing this, he would have said zero.
But here they are and, frankly, it is the first time in weeks that the Grimm feels anything but tense and restless.
"Your growing belly is going to be a problem in the months to come. We cannot simply take you out of work, so we need to hide evidence of your pregnancy."
"Hah, good luck with that. I'm beginning to grow bigger even now and I really don't want to know how I'll look in a month or two."
Renard smirks at the image and even the dirty look Nick throws him is no deterrence.
"Good to know that at least you are having fun, your Highness."
At the sarcastic dig at his heritage Sean levels his own glare but it lacks heat and, honestly, after last night none of them is too averse to engaging in a bit of harmless teasing.
"There are zaubertraenke to accomplish that."
"Hmm. I must admit I'm a bit wary in regard to them. More often than not those things rebound back to bite you."
"That is because until now you have never come into contact with a trank designed especially for you and your needs. You are correct in assuming that many a trank takes as much from you as it offers you but that does not apply to every single one."
Thinking this through Nick pushes up the sleeves of his gray long sleeve shirt, revealing strong, sinewy forearms. For a moment Sean feels himself drawn to the sight of them. He shakes himself out of it when the pregnant Grimm starts talking again.
"If I were to take such a trank, what would be required for it to take effect? I mean, is some ritual involved or some gruesome ingredient? And could Rosalee brew it?"
The Captain huffs an unexpected laugh.
"No and no. Neither ritual nor obscure ingredients are needed but Rosalee cannot brew it for you. And even if she could, as of yet you haven't told her about your pregnancy so the point is mute."
Nick rolls his eyes in exasperation.
"I have told you only hours ago. Tell me how I should have found the time to tell Rosalee and Monroe. In case you forgot, you ordered me to get some sleep."
"Which you did and it did wonders to your well being and mental stability. Point taken, though. Anyway, telling Monroe, Rosalee and Hank will be imperative and should not be postponed for much longer."
Nick heaves a put upon sigh but his gaze straying to the side tells Sean that he is aware of the importance of that.
"Yeah, I know. I'll do it soon. But now back to matters at hand: Why can Rosie not brew the trank for me?"
Renard's raised eyebrow shows exactly what he thinks about Nick's attempt at stalling but he answers his question anyway.
"Only a hexenbiest can successfully brew it."
Nick pushes himself away from the table in agitation. He paces the room, suddenly coiled tightly again. Sean does not know, if he is aware, but his hand has gone to his belly at once in face of the news.
"Why are you suggesting this zaubertrank, if it is impossible for me to find someone to make it?! I mean, tell me how should find, let alone trust a hexenbiest to do this for me?"
His brow furrows and he all but hunches in on himself while pacing the length of the kitchen.
Renard remains calm in face of his anguish. He steeples his fingertips as he tracks Nick's progress through the room.
"My mother. She is a powerful hexenbiest (Nick cannot help flinching at that.) and has worked all her life as midwife and healer. Despite your understandable misgivings you have nothing to fear from her. Furthermore she would be willing to brew the zaubertrank as well as perform the ritual necessary to protect your child."
"You told her?!"
Nick whirls around, features now set in true anger and marred by a trace of betrayal that hurts more than Sean would ever admit.
"I have not told her about you in particular. I have only asked in a general way. She already helped me out with the trank that should have prevented you from losing your Grimm powers and she would be more than willing to help out a second time."
That may be a lie but a necessary one. He knows one thing for sure: His mother would never hurt the Grimm, not if he forbade her to and most likely not even if he didn't. She may be a powerful hexenbiest and knows how to take care of herself but the boundless vindictiveness that drives other 'biests is only a slight shadow in her otherwise genuine personality.
He wants to help Nick and if it takes hiding preparations already enacted to make him agree then so be it.
Nick looks slightly mollified and when Sean motions for him to come over to the table again he actually complies. Slipping back into his chair he rubs a hand over his face. The Grimm looks tired again and Sean finds himself wanting to comfort him.
What is happening to me? Never before have I felt this urge. It is most bothersome.
Nevertheless he searches his mind for something to say... something to take his fear away.
"This would be one problem solved and it would enable you to continue Police and Grimm work with little risk to you or your child. You would still need to be careful, of course. No running heedlessly into danger and no going alone. As I said, you need to tell Monroe, Rosalee and Hank because you will need their support and protection in the time to come."
The zauberbiest Prince levels him a piercing stare, daring him to say otherwise. Nick does not contest the general sentiment but feeling the girl in the situation scratches at his pride.
He grounds out: "You are aware, Sir, that as a Grimm and experienced cop I can take care of myself?"
His tone has clearly deepened in anger, steel underlying his words.
Sean knows, one is well advised never to underestimate the Grimm, no matter how peace loving he is. He is facing a predator, who apparently does not take well to being made out as in need of protection (and is under influence of a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones).
"Believe me, I am. But even you will admit that pregnancy makes you more vulnerable and that the life and well being of your baby is more important than hurt pride."
The Captain's stare is punishing, not letting him off the hook. Nick feels shame rise within him.
Damn it! What am I thinking? Of course my stupid pride is less important than my... my child!
He heaves another sigh that quite suddenly threatens to become a strangled sob.
What the fuck are these hormones doing to me?!
He scrubs at his face, unable to look into Renard's eyes. There is a sigh from across the table.
"Nick, I know this situation is difficult for you, which is the reason why you need to tell the others."
"With the others you mean my friends, not Juliette, don't you?"
At Nick's accusing tone the zauberbiest only tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. There's a challenge in that sharp gaze mixed with reproach. The Captain is not necessarily a fan of sass.
"If I remember correctly, you were the one telling me on more than one occasion that you are uncomfortable with telling her. But if you want me to be honest, then, yes, I would advice you not to tell her until you can do so with no doubts about her reaction."
Nick purses his lips but more in painful acceptance of the truth than in anger. Sean is sure none of them will forget the Grimm's despair anytime soon and it makes him take action rather than sit back and let Nick's own inhibitions stop him.
"Anyway, we have much to discuss but first you will call over Monroe and Rosalee and tell them."
Not even giving him a chance protest he takes up his Detective's phone, flips through contacts until he finds the number and presses call button. Holding the cell phone out for the Grimm to take he looks at him with an air of expectancy.
Seeing the name displayed on screen Nick opens and closes his mouth in flustered disbelief, before he snatches the phone out of Renard's hand with an angry swipe.
What the fuck?! What is that man thinking?
He feels conflicted between throwing the phone against the next wall, right at the Captain's face or actually putting it to his ear. In the end he decides on the last, though not without glaring a hole into the zauberbiest across the table.
GRIMM GRIMM GRIMM
This was the first chapter. I would dearly like to hear what you think about it, so feel free to R&R. ;)