I'll Protect You From the Water…Always
Dean never quite learned how to swim properly. And luckily, he never had to. He had been in few hunts involving water, and absolutely zero where he had to swim. But now, things were going to change. His little brother would make sure of that. They had only been reunited for a couple months, but that didn't matter because one of the first things Sam set out to do was take Dean swimming. The eldest Winchester wasn't entirely sure if his younger brother knew of his history of water, or even the fact that Dean actually couldn't really swim. Dean guessed not, and he wouldn't dare say anything. The past was past, and he would just have to put up with facing it so Sam could get his kicks and have a little fun.
That morning he was dragged out of the hotel room as they headed for this YMCA-like gym place, and he and Sam had been there ever since, much to Dean's discomfort. He honestly could not understand why his brother couldn't let things go. He had just come back, so what the hell did swimming matter to him anyway. And Dean did try, he really did try to come up with some decent excuses. He even told Sam he would do research for their next five cases. But no, Sam just wouldn't take no for an answer and Dean was left wondering what the hell he did wrong this time. He hated the water. Hated the thought of stepping into it, let alone swimming in it.
And here he was now, sitting down on the steps in the shallow end and freezing his ass off. Sam was yelling insulting and joking remarks to try to loosen Dean up a little from the other end of the pool. But he merely ignored his brother, and after a while he swam over to Dean to find out what was wrong. He wouldn't look up from his feet, which were surrounded on all sides by water. He knew he was worrying Sam but he didn't care about that right now.
"Don't be such a sissy."
He really really wanted to get the hell out of there, but he had to stay for Sam. Just like always he had to look out for his brother. He knew Sam was a fantastic swimmer, always had been, but that didn't matter. Dean had only just gotten him back and he wasn't gonna leave his side now for anything.
"Dean, what's wrong?"
"S' cold."
"No it isn't, Sam grinned, it feels great."
Dean looked down at his chest, which was now submerged in water as he sunk down a little deeper to please Sam.
"Come on, just put your head under the water and you'll feel better."
Sam lifted up a hand to dunk his brother's head under the water, but Dean flinched away and looked up to see Sam look really worried.
"Dean? Hey, it's okay."
He shook his head and backed away a little from Sam. But there was nowhere to go to unless he got out of the pool. His back banged the wall and he shivered harder. How the hell was Sam not freezing?
"What's wrong with you?" Sam laughed, trying to pretend this wasn't happening.
"Nothing", Dean looked up slightly.
Sam sighed, "Come on, Dean. I didn't bring you with me just so I could swim alone."
"Please Sam. I don't feel like swimming."
"Well too bad. Cause you're going to."
His brother grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the steps, and as his neck was submersed that was when he really lost it. Luckily no one else was around, cause his screams would scare anybody else half to death.
"No! No no! Please don't! Please no I can't! Please!"
He felt Sam pull him closer and he closed his eyes, struggling to take his mind away from the water crushing down on him to drown him.
"God Dean. It's okay. You're alright. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, alright?"
Dean nodded and held tightly onto Sam when he felt him about to let go.
"Okay, alright. I've got you. It's okay."
Sam soothingly stroked his cold back, feeling the goose bumps there and starting to feel bad. He never knew his big brother hated water this much, but now that he thought on it, he couldn't seem to remember a time where he had been immersed in water except for the shower. Which obviously did not count.
"What's going on, Dean?"
"Don't want to talk about it."
Sam sighed in frustration and knew he would have to get it out of his brother. Not only to tease him later on but to help him. Because something was clearly very wrong here. Dean finally lifted his head up to look at Sam, pleading with him silently to just let this go. But the Winchesters didn't let things go. And Sam sure as hell wasn't.
"I really don't see what the problem is."
"You wouldn't, Sam."
"Dean, just tell me what's going on. I have a right to know."
Dean pushed away from Sam, and made it shakily and slowly back towards the steps. He put his hands on his arms, trying to get warm and failing. Sam followed him and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Dean could easily get up and run away, but what was the point? Sam would only keep on bugging him about this until he finally got the right answer.
"I never really learned how to swim, Sam."
He inched closer, "What?"
"I just never really learned is all."
Dean's voice was a little above a whisper and Sam put a hand on his shoulder to ground him and hear him better.
"Dean, tell me what happened. Cause I know something did."
He took a deep sigh and traveled back to his past.
"Dad always wanted me to learn, but I never wanted to. I was terrified. He wouldn't understand and when I refused for about the fifth time he uh…he…"
"He what, Dean? Dean, what did he do?"
"He threw me in the deep end so I could learn myself."
"He did that to you?"
Dean looked away from Sam's explosive features . He was ashamed, he made a vow to never tell this to Sam. And now that vow was broken. He couldn't handle his brother's wrath right now. He just wanted to leave. So badly he just wanted to leave. But he continued.
"I couldn't figure it out so the last thing I remember is blacking out. But Dad was able to revive me and no harm was done."
He shivered as he remembered how ice cold the water had felt, how dark the blackness was that had consumed him. And what felt like hours later, his dad had been leaning over him, face a mask of worry and apology.
"That son of a bitch!"
"Sam don't…"
"When?"
"Sam…"
"When!"
Dean blinked away tears coming to his eyes, he had no idea reliving it would be this painful. But he remembered it so clearly as if it was only yesterday.
"Ten."
He added to reassure him, "You were still so young, Sammy. You couldn't have done anything anyway."
"Doesn't matter. You should have told me. You were always there for me but you would never let me be there for you. Do you know how much that hurts, Dean?"
He looked even farther away from Sam.
"Look at me. Dean, come on, look at me."
He looked over at Sam and saw genuine concern there. But as he looked deeper he also saw something else. Determination. And that right there put fear into his own eyes.
"Sam…no…"
"I'm gonna teach you how to swim. And you have to trust me, okay? Cause you're gonna be fine."
"Sam, please don't."
"You have to, Dean. Just do it for me. You would do the same for me."
He shook his head but Sam had spoken the truth. He would risk drowning in order to prevent Sam from drowning or getting hurt himself. And when the time came he would gladly do it. But not right now. He couldn't do this right now. Not even for Sam. But as Sam started to pull him closer again, he realized he didn't have much of a choice. Cause his little brother wouldn't take no for an answer.
He closed his eyes and let Sam pull him farther into the water. After about a minute of complete silence, he felt himself drift closer to him and Sam's voice was an ounce of comfort in his ear.
"Open your eyes, Dean. You can't swim if you can't see."
Dean very very slowly opened his eyes and saw Sammy's smiling face.
"It's gonna be okay, Dean. You trust me right?"
He nodded slightly and felt his brother wrap an arm around his waist.
"Okay. Now all you have to do is kick your legs and move your arms. You've seen me do it before, so it shouldn't be that hard."
He looked away from Sam and at all the water, and he started to panic.
"It's okay, Dean. The water's not gonna bite you. You just can't let it control you. You have to control it, okay?"
He nodded again and took a deep breath to ease some of the panic away.
"Let's have you try."
He felt Sam start to push him away and he grabbed a fistful of his boxers to prevent him from doing so. Sam was shirtless so it had to be the boxers.
"Hey Dean, it's okay. We'll go when you're ready. Take your time."
He was happy he was being so patient with him. He did need time. Time to stop the panic from rising like a tidal wave to pull him away. Time to focus and remember how Sam swam. A few minutes went by while Dean prepared himself and then finally…
"You ready now?"
He gulped and nodded as Sam pushed him towards the deep end lightly.
"I'm right here if you need me. Just remember that."
Dean nodded and gasped as the freezing water hit his face and began to pull him under. He remembered what Sam had done. And he intended to copy his brother. He was fully submersed now, and he started to kick his feet a little and move his arms. It was slow going at first but he got the hang of it a little just when he snapped back to full reality, realizing that he desperately needed air. Luckily, he didn't have to struggle towards the surface, cause his little brother wrapped a gentle arm around his waist and pulled him up. He gasped and took in as much of the beautiful and soft air as he possibly could while Sam held him tightly to his chest, preventing him from drifting away and going under again.
"You okay?"
Dean nodded.
"You were doing good. Now you just have to learn how to do it without going under."
Sam smiled and that made Dean smile. He was making good progress. And that was because he trusted Sam.
"You go practice a little more. I'll be over here watching you every second. You have nothing to worry about."
Sammy let go and swam gracefully back over to the shallow end, pushing back his long hair and sitting peacefully on the step his brother had sat on. He watched Dean kick his legs and manage to stay above the surface, and that made him smile. He watched him for a few minutes before he started swimming some laps. He was confident Dean would be alright anyway, and he was in the same pool with him so nothing would go wrong. After about six laps he realized he couldn't see Dean. His head spun around in every single direction it could go in several times, before he swam as fast as he possibly could to the deep end. He was panicking and he was feeling his heart pounding so fast he felt certain a couple of times that it had fallen out into the pool. He could not lose Dean like this. Not in a damn pool. There was no way. He had made a promise to protect Dean and he had failed him. After all Dean had done for him, this was how he repaid him. He was a terrible brother. He didn't have the right to call himself a brother now. His legs were aching but he dove under instantly with hardly any breath left inside him.
Please let Dean be okay. Please don't let anything happen to him because I was such an idiot not to be paying attention.
Dean was comforted by the sound of Sam's laps, of the constant kicking of his feet and long and graceful strokes of his arms. He watched him and hoped he could swim as good as that someday. He decided to go under for a little while and see what Sam looked like from that position. He liked it underwater, it was quiet and peaceful and somewhat relaxing. Dean stopped kicking his feet and he began to sink. He didn't stop it so as each passing second went by, he sank deeper and deeper until eventually his feet touched the bottom. He closed his eyes and couldn't stop himself from remembering.
Dad. I don't want to.
Someday you're gonna have to learn, Dean. And today's gonna be the day.
No Dad. You can't make me.
The hell I can't. You can't live in a world like this if you don't know how to swim.
No. I can't. I don't want to.
Dean, get in the water.
No.
Dean, I said get in the water. Right now.
His father's voice was deadly serious but there was no way Dean would give in to this. He merely crossed his arms and retracted his foot from the water. He made eye contact with his dad but instantly regretted it, cause moments later he was picked up off the damp tile, carried over to the deep end and dropped in. He struggled, he really did, both in his father's tight as death arms and in the water. He panicked as he moved his arms and feet frantically, trying to make it back up so he could breathe. Just one little breath. But he didn't make it anywhere. He was sinking faster and faster and his dad was standing above him, expecting him to make it and caring less if he drowned. He felt and saw the black crowd around his vision, wanting to take hold of him, desperate to lead him to the pitch black of death. And he gave in to it, not knowing what else to do.
His last thought was, Oh no. I'm dead and I didn't even get to say goodbye to Sammy.
He slowly came to as he felt John's mouth on his own, breathing life and light back into him once more. He stayed unresponsive for a few minutes. There was a part of him that didn't want to come back, that wanted to stay in the darkness. He didn't want to be forced to swim again, he didn't want to be ripped away from the light so quickly again. He wouldn't take that fear back for anything. But then he thought of little Sammy. What this would no doubt do to him. And the only reason he even came back at all was because of him. He took a deep breath and felt his dad lift him up to cradle him to his chest and whisper in his ear.
Don't you ever do that to me again, Dean. Do you hear me? Don't you ever. I thought I lost you. And I can't lose you.
He held on to his father's words and when his breathing finally evened out and returned to normal, he was carried out to the Impala, wrapped up in a blanket, and put to bed instantly when they got back to their hotel. He was terrified that he would have to relive everything when he woke up the next morning, but his dad never pushed him again. And better yet, they never spoke of it again. And Sammy never knew because he never had to know.
He slowly came back to reality when he felt Sam wrap an arm frantically around his waist for the third time that day and pull him up. And Sam was so relieved that he wouldn't have to resuscitate him. Dean's eyes were open and staring at him, and he looked at him for a few minutes, at the brother he had nearly just lost. And he hugged him. He hugged him so tightly and made a vow that he would never let him go. But of course he had to, for Dean needed to breathe, especially since he hadn't been breathing for the last minute or so. But he continued to grip him tightly, simultaneously swimming slowly back to the shallow end.
"Dean. It's okay. I'm so sorry. I should have been watching you. Oh Dean. I thought I lost you. Dean, I can't lose you. Not right now I just got you back and I love you. I don't care how much of a chick flick moment this is, cause I love you so much. And you can't leave me like that. Not now. Dean. It's okay. You're okay. Everything's gonna be okay cause you're safe with me."
He couldn't stop talking and he didn't want to stop talking. He wanted Dean to hang onto his words, his voice. He needed to get him back to reality. He made it to the steps and he wrapped an arm under Dean's knees, another supporting his neck and upper back. He very very carefully lifted him out of the water and cradled him to his chest. Dean looked up at him, still a little out of it. But that was okay with Sam, cause Dean was alive and he was gonna stay alive. He grabbed their towels and wrapped Dean in one, carrying him out to the car and speeding back to the motel. His brother looked out the window the entire time, struggling constantly to make it back to reality.
"Dean? Can you hear me?"
"Hmm?"
"It's all going to be okay. I'm gonna make it so that it's okay."
Dean only nodded and sunk his head back against the window. He was already asleep by the time he pulled into the parking lot and opened the passenger door, and he didn't have the heart to wake him. He owed Dean a lot now and he was planning on making it up to him in every little way that he could. He had put his brother through this and he would bring him back.
He lifted him back up again into his arms, and he found comfort in having his big brother's body so close to his own, keeping him safe and warm and secure. He smiled and pulled the door open, placing him on the bed farthest from the door for once, so now Sam could protect him from the predators that lurked outside instead of the other way around. He tucked him in and piled as many blankets as he could find on his still shivering body. And with that completed, Sam finally allowed himself to drag a chair over to his bedside and sink down in it, watching Dean like a hawk and smiling at his peaceful and resting body. He kissed his forehead and silently made Dean a promise to protect him from the water always.
A week later everything was completely back to normal. They had just finished a case the night before and Dean was anxious to start another one, he couldn't seem to get enough of the hunts these days. But Sam still thought back, unable to let go of the pool incident. He had tried to help his brother through it, but it was better for Dean to just pretend it never happened, and Sam allowed that. For now. Now things were changed, every case that Sam checked out he would immediately throw away all the ones involving water, whether it was lakes, rivers, oceans, or even swimming pools. Absolutely nothing involving water. He owed that much to his brother. He never wanted to see him so afraid again, never wanted to see him shiver so intensely for as long as he lived. So at the first mention of water? Trashcan or quickly press the back button on his laptop. There was no way.
But for Dean, of course for him there was always a way. And Sam was actually quite shocked to hear about the next case he wanted to do. He didn't look like he was ready to overcome his fear, but he wanted to try. It was Sam who had been urging him that day, and now Dean was urging him. It had barely been a week for god's sake. Dean had nearly drowned so why was he so anxious to get his toes back in the water?
"So Sam, found us a case."
Sam pushed his book aside and focused on his brother intently.
Dean held up his fingers, "Three cases of drowning in two weeks. All men, all in their own swimming pools."
Sam gulped and rubbed his forehead in sudden anxiety. Dean didn't even appear to understand the word drown, didn't even seem to relate that to water. How was that even possible? And not to mention…Oh no, what was he going to do? And what was he going to say?
"What do you think?"
"…"
"Sam?"
Sam shook his head and decided to do what brothers do best…Lie.
"No way, got a better one."
"Come on, you've got to be joking. This literally spells out supernatural forces are at work here. What more do you want?"
"I said no. We're taking this one."
He held up a packet of papers that he hadn't even checked out yet, hadn't even glanced at yet. But he would do anything, anything to keep Dean out of the water. Eventually, they could handle drowning cases but there was no way it was gonna be now.
"Fine. Have it your way. Gonna get some coffee."
Dean slammed the door behind him and Sam could tell he was pissed. But the youngest Winchester only smiled at the release of fear he suddenly felt. He smiled when he remembered the promise he had made to Dean. The promise he would be able to keep.
FIN