A/N: Okay, so for an official disclaimer, I do not own any of these characters or anything like that. The silly randomness, and the random silliness, however, is mine.
Many thanks to my reviewers from my FOTR parody—especially Flashyloves, who commented on every chapter I think. I have thus been inspired to quickly upload this silly little bit. Basically the premise is that as the members of the Fellowship got separated in The Two Towers, they wrote to each other and this is a record of all the "important" things they had to say to each other. Sorry if the format is a little confusing or if everything is hard to keep track of.
- -
--
It all starts when Gimli sends an unaddressed letter to whomever may find it:
And
by the way Boz, this is no orc you're talking to. PS. if this is Galadriel, I still love you.
Gimli
-
Dear Gimli,
I regret to inform you that I will not be able to answer your letter because of a miscellaneous rendezvous with an uruk.
Boz (Boromir)
-
Dear Gimli,
if you were talking about my heart, it's not yours. Don't listen to yours anymore.
Galadriel
-
Dear Boz,
we will sorely miss you.
the Fellowship
-
Dear Aragorn,
Elves love green, Rohanians love blue, Eowen loves you, but I do too.
Arwen
-
Dear Arwen,
an orc can't wait to kick me in the butt. Talk later?
Aragorn
-
Dear Sam,
gone to Mordor alone. If you decide to come you are sealing your fate. If it's Friday night when you find this, I'm crossing Rauros, and first thing Saturday if orcs stay away, I'm crossing sharp rocks.
Frodo
-
Dear Merry:
are all orcs and uruks bad?
Pippin
-
Dear Pippin,
if you're asking because you want to hold a church meeting for them, forget it.
Merry
-
Dear Legolas,
have you seen my purple dress recently? I have reason to believe you have it. Daddy said so.
Arwen
-
Dear Frodo,
no matter what you say, I'm coming with you. Beware Shelob.
Sam
-
Dear Sam,
fine. I take you with me.
Frodo
-
Dear Arwen:
I do not have your purple dress. I do not wear purple. Maybe Aragorn has it. Do you know where my green coat is?
Legolas
-
Dear Legolas,
what makes you think I have your green coat/shirt, and why would I have it? Tell Aragorn I love him. I don't think he'd have my dress.
Arwen
-
Dear Elrond,
perchance you might know about a mysterious purple dress in Aragorn's pack that I found. Also, if you have anything to sell, you're wasting your time. I'm not buying anything unless it's a balrog gameboy.
Gandalf
-
Dear Merry,
how do you get an uruk to let you alone?
Pippin
-
Dear Pippin,
you don't. They get to frisk cute little things like us all day and get paid for it. Don't lose hope.
Merry
-
Dear Arwen,
please do not be alarmed, but the other day your purple dress disappeared from my pack. I am trying my best to find it.
Aragorn
-
Dear Aragorn,
YOU had my purple dress?! I thought it was Legolas!
Arwen
-
Dear Arwen,
I want my green shirt back or I will seriously hurt you when I get back. Give it here now.
Legolas
-
Dear Legolas,
you knew I had your green shirt? Who told you?!
Arwen
-
Dear Arwen,
Gandalf told me.
Legolas
-
Dear Gandalf,
tough luck on the balrog gameboy. However, we might be able to make an even exchange for that purple dress. I have a green elven shirt I found in Arwen's closet.
Elrond
-
Dear Pippin,
what was Grandma Took's recipe for healing split-open foreheads?
Merry
-
Dear Legolas,
I am very sorry but I cannot get you your green shirt that I had. I can't find it in my closet.
Arwen
-
Dear Merry,
mix 2 Thbs. pipeweed with 1 tsp. of beer and a leaf of spinach. Place on forehead.
Pippin
-
Dear Elrond,
thank you for that nice green shirt. I like it a lot. I found a balrog gameboy.
Gandalf
-
Dear Frodo,
I don't like spiders. How can we get past Shelob? Boromir has become one with the Force. Sure could use his sword.
Sam
-
Dear Arwen,
I am very sorry I accused you of taking my shirt. Turns out I found it, Gandalf had it. I made him give it back and now I am very happy. Did Aragorn give you your purple dress back? Gandalf got a new balrog gameboy.
Legolas
-
Dear Pippin,
are you sure that is Grandma's recipe? The uruks took it away from me and like drinking it. That is, before they knew about the spinach leaf.
Merry
-
Dear Aragorn,
you could not have had my dress in your pack because I found it in my closet this morning.
Arwen
-
Dear Gimli,
Frodo and I could really use your axe so get it over here.
Sam
-
Dear Elrond,
there seems to be some confusion concerning that nice green shirt you gave me, for Legolas seems to think it is his. I gave it to him, not knowing what else to do. Maybe you could clear this up.
Gandalf
-
Dear Legolas,
that green shirt I found in Arwen's closet so it cannot be yours.
Elrond
-
Dear Gimli,
for starters you can get your stubborn axe down here and get us out of this! (and some orcs)
Frodo
-
Dear Frodo,
the reasons I bust my axe for you! Alright, I'm coming.
Gimli
-
Dear Pippin,
I found that Grandma Took's recipe works better with 1 tsp. whiskey instead of beer. Tastes better too.
Merry
-
Dear Merry,
what're you tasting that recipe for?!
Pippin
-
Dear Pippin,
I got a cut on my lip. Also if you light the concoction with a match it's just like smoking a pipe only better. Maybe it's because of the whiskey.
Merry
-
Dear Merry,
you're right!
Pippin
-
Dear Faz,
you haven't by any chance seen two little guys with hairy feet and a ring running around barefooted with a half-naked green thing, have you?
Aragorn
-
Dear Aragorn,
hairy feet? barefooted? ring? green thing? what?
Faramir
-
Dear Aragorn,
do you prefer blonde or brunette wenches?
Eowen
-
Dear Eowen,
you stay away from my man or I'll curse you in Elvish!
Arwen
-
Dear Frodo,
have you seen two little people running around with a green thing with half-naked feet and a ring?
Faramir
-
Dear Faz,
sorry but I can't help you there. I've got no idea.
Frodo
-
Dear Pippin,
Faz would like to know where he can find some of them small-footed little people running around with a hairy green ring barefooted?
Frodo
-
Dear Frodo,
why ask me? The only thing I've seen for weeks is orcs upon orcs.
Pippin
-
Dear Arwen,
I don't have a problem with you, why do you have problem with me?
Eowen
-
Dear Merry,
Frodo says he's looking for what his friend said was a ring of little people in green curly hair and bare feet. Sound familiar?
Pippin
-
Dear Gandalf,
can I borrow your balrog gameboy? I wanted to improve my balrog-fighting skills to impress Arwen.
Aragorn
-
Dear Aragorn,
Sure.
Gandalf.
-
Dear Pippin,
ask Legolas. He might know what you're talking about.
Merry
-
Dear Legolas,
there seems to be a question going around and it's this: have you recently seen a ring of curly hair barefooted running around with little half-naked green people?
Merry
-
Dear Merry,
have you looked at yourself recently?
Legolas
-
Dear Sam,
have you seen any barefooted rings with half-naked hair running around with two bare green feet?
Legolas
-
Dear Legolas,
I'll ask Frodo.
Sam
-
Dear Frodo,
Legolas says that Merry said that Pippin said that you were asking on behalf of Faz on behalf of Aragorn that nobody has seen what they were looking for.
Sam
-
Dear Aragorn,
Sam said that Legolas told him that Merry and Pippin passed on the message from Faramir that nobody has seen the little green hairy rings with their half-naked curly feet.
Frodo
-
Dear Frodo,
I'm sorry, but I haven't seen what you are looking for. However, I did ask if anybody had seen two little people who were barefooted with a ring and a half-naked green creature.
Aragorn
-
Dear Aragorn,
you mean to tell me that what we thought we were looking for got messed up like a game of telephone gone bad?!
Frodo
-
Dear Gandalf,
where did you get your balrog gameboy? I would like to get one but don't know where to.
Elrond
-
Dear Eowen,
I do not like wainches.
Aragorn
-
Dear Legolas,
did you used to be a bowfighter? How many orcs have you killed?
Gimli
-
Dear Aragorn,
All I meant was do you like women with blonde or brunette hair color better?
Eowen
-
Dear Gimli,
what makes you think I am or have been or ever was a bowfighter?
Legolas
-
Dear Elrond,
concerning my balrog gameboy, I got it from the balrog himself, actually. Aragorn has it for a while now.
Gandalf
-
Dear Legolas,
I saw the notches on your bow and it make me wonder.
Gimli
-
Dear Sam,
have you seen a half-naked green creature anywhere?
Frodo
-
Dear Frodo,
no... and please let's not start that all over again!
Sam
-
Dear Merry,
I think I have orc fever. Anyway, I want to kill orcs.
Pippin
-
Dear Gandalf,
you mean I have to kill a balrog just to get one?
Elrond
-
Dear Elrond,
yes.
Gandalf
-
Dear Pippin,
what you have is normal. It's a natural instinct.
Merry
-
Dear Gimli,
The world is changing. There is and end to clothing thefts. Hobbits are brave warriors. I'm not supposed to love you anymore. Not that I do.
Galadriel
-
THE END