I Am Sylar

by ScifigeekET

What was happening in Sylar's mind when he killed his mother and really changed from Gabriel Gray to Sylar. Without Hiro Shows how this really was his last chance to stay Gabriel. I promise its not as sick as it sounds, just VERY sad. Please R&R!

I don't want to be Sylar.

I just want to be Gabriel Gray. Is that so wrong? Can I just be this…watchmaker? This small person in the world, unnoticed by all? Can't I just be…me? Do I have to rule the world?

Of course I do. That's what you always say, what you've always said. Why would you tell me to be unnoticed? I'm your son; I can be anything I want. Right?

The truth is, I can. But do I really want to hurt everyone to do it? Do I really want to be…Sylar? I'm going to kill a lot of people. Don't you understand that? I won't be able to stop. Please, just listen…

I'll show you. I'll show you what I am. Then maybe you'll listen. Please. Listen…

You look at the snow I created, and I see the wonder in your eyes. You're not scared of me, not yet. Not like the person I stole this ability from. Not like all of the others…

And then you start to ask. What am I? How can I be doing this? I can feel the thoughts of what you'll ask later, thoughts that don't come from my mind, but from Sylar's. You start to look at me in fear. Part of me wants to just end this, stop that look in your eyes. That part, I know. I know who and what that part is. Gabriel Gray.

But the other part, the part of me that is Sylar. It sees the horror and fear in your eyes. It loves every bit of it. Why do you always have to push me? Why do you have to keep DOING this? What is wrong with you? Can't you see that I'm different, that I can hurt people?

I think I can show you. The snow globes, your precious snow globes, start to fly around the room. I can be a monster, a killer. You look into my eyes and I know you can see it. You're scared, so scared…

Can't you look at me? Why won't you? I can stop this! I can stop this all if you do! Just don't tell me what I have to be, be happy with what I am. Be proud of simple little Gabriel Gray, this person who isn't a killer. The part of me that I can feel slipping, day after day. He's disappearing, and I'm afraid of the monster that's taking his place…

You try to avoid the snow globes, but one finds its target. Just one. I see your face, as blood pours from the gash on your cheek. You look at me in absolute horror, afraid of me, the monster I've become. Can't you LISTEN? I keep trying to tell you. I am this monster now. Stop me, before it's too late, far too late…

You run, and I suddenly realize what just what I've done to you. Now even you are scared of me, hiding in another room, just behind the door. Is it possible that I can't be Gabriel Gray? That I HAVE to be Sylar? That there's no going back now? I'm…scared. I just am. I don't want to be this monster. But I am. I have to be. Because I can't stop myself. I can be Sylar, this monster, this…murderer. Gabriel hates the word, but to Sylar, it is the perfect description. Murderer. I'm a murderer.

But…seeing the look in your eyes. Please. I want to be Gabriel. Not a killer. I don't want to remember the things I've done…

I wait for you to come out. Please. PLEASE…

When you finally come out, you're still scared. Things are a blur. I don't know what happened. Did I break down the door? Did I just wait? I can't think in the terror that is coming over me, the horror of what I did. Is it true? Am I nothing but a killer?

That's when everything changes. That's when you come at me. You're scared of me, you grab the scissors, and it's all over. I try to stop you. If I wanted to, I could end your life, here and now. Forget the scissors. You'd be no match for me. You know it, but you don't want to. I could do anything. I could kill you. Don't you get it? Gabriel Gray is still there, doing nothing but defend himself. Sylar would slit your throat, forgetting everything. He hates you. I think I hate you. I know it.

In all that's happening, I can't think. I have to act. I try to take the scissors out of your hands, but you come forward. And then the impossible happens.

I feel the blades slide into you, the blood pool around my hands. Your eyes are wide, glazing over slightly. No. This can't be happening. No no no no…

But it is. You start to fall to the floor. I tried to stop you. I tried to be Gabriel. I tried to save you, save both of us…

You look at me. All I think I see is terror, horror and everything I have always seen. The look in the eyes of those I've murdered before. But in your eyes I see something more than terror, more than hate, more than horror.

I see betrayal. I see that I was one of the few people in the world you could trust. I see that I murdered you, that your heart broke before it stopped. I see that you hate me for what I've done. That I was your son, that I betrayed you. I just did the worst thing possible. And that's when I realize.

I don't care.

I don't care if you hate me. I don't care if I betrayed you. Gabriel Gray might have cared. He might have hated himself. But I'm not Gabriel Gray. I'll never again be Gabriel Gray. This has changed me, and I'm never going back. And you're right. I can be anything I want. I can be president. I can rule the world. I can do whatever I want. Because I am no longer Gabriel Gray, and I will never again be Gabriel Gray.

I AM SYLAR.