AN: For a while now I have tried writing a fic about Fai initiating a sexual relationship with Kurogane, but then regretting it when Kurogane grew too close. He came to hate him for his kindness, especially in Tokyo. So far I haven't had much luck (mostly because I can't remember facts), but the other day this came to me. It is sort of the similar idea, but much more condensed. For its length, I think I did fairly well.
I'm not sure when it started, this flaming thing born from the deepest recesses of my being. Maybe it was his silent care or the way he played along with my feign antics. In the beginning I simply wanted to tease him. His reactions were so raw, adorable and comical. Perhaps this was my downfall; what at first seemed to be an insignificant desire led to a true craving for life. Yet, this is unforgivable. I know this. My wretched life is not worthy of holding such value.
Damn his pity, his kind eyes which implore me, his soothing hands which tempt me. I don't deserve this kindness. Give me cold, rough violence. I tried to illicit his hidden violent sexual pleasures, but instead he loved me as sweetly as any could. That is what is the most painful. How could anyone love this miserable excuse for a prince? When I asked him, he answered simply, with few words as usual, "because I do." For some reason I broke down upon hearing this. Tears raked my body as I beat his chest. Silently, he held me until I fell asleep.
I may not deserve this, and I may not know how it happened, but I love him. I no longer can long for that day when death's grip finds me, because I can no longer imagine leaving him. Fai, please forgive me for this selfishness. I will never forget you, but I have found something just as irreplaceable.