This is more of an auto-biography. I know it's personal but I need out.

The day we met I looked right over you. I never looked back at you, I didn't ask what your name was, I didn't care if you were included in the group, you didn't exist for me.

I feel like a fool when I look back to the day I met you. Little did I know that was the day that altered my life.

Over time I learned your name and it surprised me how lovely it sounded off my lips, like I should be screaming it forever. I learned every little thing about you. The way your fingers run through your hair when your excited, how your lips make the smallest twitch when you lie, and how you will go across the world for someone you loved.

Something about you appealed to me, not in a sexual way, but in a way that our destinies
were already intertwined; like I was meant to meet you.

You became my best friend, you became the guy that loved me, and you became the guy that I loved.

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones

I spent everyday with you. You made me smile when I felt down, you brought me to life when I was falling backwards, and you made me heart beat faster than ever before. I felt like a different person when I was with you. I felt better, happier.

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not

Little did you know that I had of mishappened things in my life. Without you I was weak, and parts of me felt that you needed someone who was stronger. Someone who can stand by herself, someone who can make you feel loved, someone who wasn't me.
I told you I didn't love you and it was the worst lie that ever tumbled out of my mouth.

You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can.

I rehearsed my story in my head million of times, on how I had an eating disorder, that I am bi polar, and how I'm on anti depressants because at times I become suicidal. I practiced in front of my mirror countless times and sometimes I perfected it but when I saw your face, when I saw how perfect and happy you were, I couldn't bring myself to tell you. Someone like you didn't deserve a fucked up person like me. That was my phrase, that was the line that yelled in my head every time I looked into your deep blue eyes.

Then one day you didn't call me. The whole day my phone was glued to my hand waiting for your ring tone to play into the air but it never did. And some part of me knew this day was coming. The day you would realize that you needed more, you needed better. Some part of me wanted to run to you and make endless love with you and say that I am strong to love you, I am good, my love is the strongest but the other part, the part I listened to, told me to let you go. That even though I love him, he needed a happy life, not one that involved me but with someone who could make him smile like he has made me.

And so you disappeared into the shining rays of sun while I was still standing in the endless fog. Months passed and I got worse. I needed you, I still loved you but I noticed that you laughed more, your beautiful fingers ran through your hair more often, and a gleam in your eye that was absent when you were with me was present. It broke my heart into more pieces and the glue that once held it together flew away.

My only wish is when years have passed you by, when your wife, sons, and daughters are more beautiful than the world combine, that you can look back to your years of adolescence and not remember pain, loss, or me.

You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins
Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot By Brand New