A/N: This is personal challenge smut. By that I mean I challenged myself to get as many different random kinks into a single story as I could. It has no redeeming factors. It conforms to no canon. What little plot it has is basically individual scenes I thought could be funny. Un-beta'd, because what would be the point? I wrote it, you're reading it, and when you're done I will take you out for awkward morning-after waffles and we will never speak of this again.
It was a day like any other day. Birds were chirping outside of Mary Margaret's apartment as they had on every single morning since Emma had moved in. What Mary Margaret had with birds, Emma didn't know – some kind of a Snow White thing - but the point was that it was normal. Predictable.
Emma liked predictable. Sure, she skipped around the country for ten years, but that had its own sense of familiarity. She always knew what was going to happen each time she moved to a new place. Wander, get lost, find a bar, pick up a hot someone, get a ride home and maybe a little extra. Predictable.
Safe.
Which was completely the opposite of how Emma was feeling right now, sitting up in bed and staring at the mysterious...appendage...that had appeared sometime during the night. Grabbing and pulling, as she had discovered immediately upon waking, was not in the least bit helpful. And it was definitely attached.
The stream of colorful expletives that fell from her open lips had Mary Margaret blushing before she even opened the door. The reality of the situation turned that blush into a full, high color that rivaled the sun. As it turned out, Mary Margaret knew quite a few interesting words, as well.
"What is that?" She finally managed to ask. "It looks like a..."
"I know."
"But you're not a..."
"I know."
"How..."
"I don't know."
Mary Margaret shook herself slightly and blinked, but when it became apparent that Emma's condition was not some kind of strange illusion she slipped into full Queen mode, with just a hint of Teacher shining through.
"Well. I mean, I've never heard of anything like this happening, but let's get you to Dr. Whale and see what he says."
Falling back against the bed, Emma threw a pillow over her face and groaned. "How about we just pretend this never happened until it goes away?" Her voice was relatively clear but muffled under the pillow, so Mary Margaret gently but firmly removed it.
"Emma, you know magic is so unpredictable now; we can't afford to take any chances. So unless you want to go to Gold or Regina first -" another groan "- we'll call Whale and make sure he's at the hospital to meet us."
"Fine." Emma huffed, sitting up once again and staring resolutely at the wall. "Does, um, does David have any jeans I can borrow?"
Mary Margaret looked at her in confusion. "I just did laundry, so there's some clean ones. Why?"
"'Cause I don't think my skinny jeans are going to cut it this time."
"Oh. OH. Of course. I'll just...go get them now."
XxXx
"I'm not talking specifically, just, y'know, in general. Is this the part where we have the sex talk with
her? Because it's all different now."
"Charming! We are not discussing this! Besides, we have a grandchild; I'm pretty sure Emma can work it out by herself."
David looked pale and, oddly, disappointed when Emma wandered down into the kitchen, showered and wearing the jeans that Mary Margaret had laid out on her bed. She supposed it was one of those things that came with the curse, parenthood milestones that David had missed out on. Well, he was just going to have to deal with it, because there was no way in hell they were having any kind of talk about this if she could avoid it. Mary Margaret at least looked embarrassed that Emma had walked into the conversation.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Oh no. You two are staying here. I'm going to the hospital by myself."
"Emma!" Mary Margaret shot her a look, the kind that said that even though they had lived together as friends for several months, as her mother Mary Margaret considered her to be only just above teenage status. "What if something happens? We should be there with you."
"It's not like I'm suddenly incapable of making rational decisions, even with, y'know..."
"You'd be surprised." David added helpfully, and got an elbow to the stomach for his trouble.
"Well if you're sure." Mary Margaret still looked doubtful, but she'd lost enough fights with Emma to know when to back down. "Just make sure you keep us updated, especially if there's any change in your...condition."
XxXx
"So?"
Dr. Whale had always gotten a kick out of snapping his surgical gloves for effect. He'd mostly given it up, during the curse; not much point in habit and tradition when you don't even remember who you are. He did it again, now, with a flourish - he'd forgotten how terribly exciting magic and science could be, when blended together.
"Well, it certainly appears to be a fully functioning phallus, although I'd hesitate to go so far as to say penis since your vagina also seems intact. Fascinating. I don't suppose you've experimented with its sexual function?"
"No." Emma growled out. "And don't think about getting any bright ideas, Whale."
"Honestly, I'm offended. Think of the scientific potential! Spontaneously reproducing body parts, complete with the necessary adjustments to the original flesh to make it fully functional! Now if I could just run a few little tests..."
"And I could just run my nightstick into your face. If you're that interested."
Whale winced. "Very well. What do you propose I do, then?"
"Get rid of it!"
"I'm a doctor, not a magician. The best I can do is surgically remove it. Although..." He looked thoughtful, and Emma hurried to cut him off.
"No, it's okay." That look on Whale's face couldn't lead anywhere good, and probably wouldn't be in the realm of helping her out anyway. "I guess I'll have to ask Regina instead. See if she knows anything."
Disturbingly, the self-satisfied expression didn't leave his face even after she'd shot down his horror-film experiments.
"I'm sure she will be more than happy to help you. Don't hesitate to call me if anything...arises."
It was a crime against humanity, Emma thought, that all hospitals had those automatic doors. It would have been so much more satisfying to slam one in Whale's face.
Jackass.
XxXx
"So does it work?"
"Jesus! Ruby, keep your voice down!"
Ruby, naturally, completely ignored Emma's warning, slipping into the booth opposite the long-suffering Sheriff and placing a steaming mug between them.
"Cocoa's on the house if you tell me how big it is."
"Ruby!"
"What?"
"How do you even know about it, anyway?"
"Mary Margaret told me." Ruby said matter-of-factly. Because, Emma thought, of course she did.
"I'm gonna kill her."
"You know what your problem is, Emma? You're not looking at the bigger picture here. You have an opportunity to do what horny internet geeks can only dream of! See how the other half lives. Heal the divide between man and woman."
"Cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria. I get it."
"You're one of those 'glass half empty' people, aren't you?"
"I just want a normal life. A job, time with my family, maybe a plant. Is that so much to ask for?"
"Considering who and where you are, I'd say yes." Ruby took a sip of Emma's cocoa. "I don't know how you can drink it like that."
"I like it. Did you come over here for any reason other than to tease me?"
"Not really."
"You're a great friend, Rubes."
"I know. What are you going to do about it?"
"Whale wasn't any help. I think he was a bit too excited about the possibilities. Since I'm sure as hell not going to go to Gold, so I guess I'll go see Regina after this."
Ruby's face, usually so expressive, took on the general countenance of a professional poker player.
"That should be interesting."
It took all of Emma's willpower not to bang her head on the table there and then. She settled on a much more adult, head-in-hands groan.
"Not you too!"
"What?"
"Something Whale said. Again. And nothing is going to happen. Again. We hate each other, remember?"
"Oh Emma. Poor, innocent, deluded Emma."
"Hey!"
"You and our illustrious ex-Mayor have some of the most explosive sexual chemistry I've ever seen. Seriously. You start fires."
"Actually, that was-"
"The truth is irrelevant when love is on the line!"
"Who said anything about lo-"
"And all that eye-sex. Honestly, I thought a couple times you two were going to start going at it on one of the tables. Not that I would have minded seeing that, sorry Ems."
"..."
"You totally have a thing for her. Even if you don't know it yet, I bet Little Emma does. Or will, as soon as she bends over in one of those tight skirts. What are you going to do if anything...comes up?"
"Nothing, because that is not going to happen."
"Of course not."
"Right."
"Because you are not sexually attracted to Regina Mills."
"Exactly."
"Despite the fact that you stare at her chest on a regular basis."
"Now you're just making things up."
A diner patron at the bar yelled for Ruby, who got up with a sigh, taking the empty cocoa mug with her.
"Say what you want, my friend, but she didn't start leaving those shirts unbuttoned until you got here."
XxXx
Emma stood in front of the mayoral mansion; Regina still lived there, at least, if only because no one had figured out any better place to put her. It wasn't that she was nervous, exactly. She was, of course, nervous and incredibly embarrassed, but those emotions weren't the ones that were bothering her.
No, she had much bigger things on her mind. And, well, bellow her waist.
It had to be some kind of reaction to...whatever magic had given her a dick in the first place. Some kind of evil plan to fuck with her mind.
Because the way the thought of Regina's ass made blood rush to a very specific place...yeah. That wasn't happening.
This was ridiculous. She was standing on Regina's stoop like a scared puppy. To make up for it, she knocked on the door with perhaps a bit more force than was strictly necessary.
Regina, to her surprise, opened the door almost immediately and without her usual scowl. In fact, she looked almost...nice.
Seductive.
Sultry.
This was bad. Very, very bad.
"Why Sheriff, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Emma, to her eternal shame, actually looked down before remembering that first, she was definitely not that happy to see Regina, and second, the other woman clearly knew a lot more than she was supposed to.
"How...how did you...?"
"I think you'd better come in."
Shocked into obedience, Emma silently followed her into the interior office, taking the glass of cider that Regina apparently offered as a matter of habit every time anyone rang her bell. Surely the one tree didn't produce that many apples...
"Seriously, how did you know about...um..."
"Your little problem? I thought you knew by now, Miss Swan; there is very little that goes on in this town without my knowledge."
Regina had been locked away in her home since the well incident. She'd only had limited contact with Henry. She was probably thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to snark at one of her least favorite people. Emma knew this, and on any other day would probably have indulged in Regina's little game because, well, she felt sorry for the woman, and it was kind of fun when they weren't trying to kill each other.
Today, however, she was in no mood to be accommodating.
"Cut the crap Regina. Who told you?"
To her credit, which wasn't much, Regina only looked mildly annoyed.
"If you must know, Dr. Whale called to tell me you would be dropping by and explained the situation."
"So much for doctor-patient privilege."
"Well I suppose these are extenuating circumstances. Now take your pants off."
"What!" Emma squeaked. Damn, she really needed to learn to control her reactions around Regina.
"Take your pants off. I need to see what exactly has been magically altered so I can decide on a proper course of action."
"Um, couldn't you just...I mean...isn't there some sort of counter spell you can do to just get rid of it?"
"Of course, if you never want to have an orgasm for the rest of your life."
Okay, that was definitely on her list of things to avoid.
"It isn't as if I've never seen another person naked."
"Yeah, but you've never seen me naked."
The sly grin that had been on Regina's face when she opened the front door reappeared, and Emma was not too proud to say it scared her. Just a bit.
"As far as you know."
Emma, who was in the process of slipping off the oversized jeans, paused. As far as you know? That was it; two could play at this game.
"Like what you see, Regina?"
It was a victory of sorts that Regina had nothing to say to that – although what kind of retort she was expecting, Emma wasn't quite sure. She was fairly certain that Regina hadn't been randomly checking up on her while she was naked, that it was just another in a long line of rhetoric ploys designed to get her off balance.
And if she had?
If she did?
Emma had no answers for her subconscious, so she relied on long habit and told it to kindly shut up.
When she was naked from the waist down – and Regina was still smiling like there was nothing in the world she enjoyed more than Emma's continued embarrassment – she was directed to stand next to the couch so Regina could, in her words, 'see what they had to work with.'
Honestly, if after today Emma never heard another sexual innuendo it would be too soon.
Then Regina was kneeling down in front of her and holy shit, she could see directly down the brunette's silk shirt to where a lacy black bra lay painted against smooth skin.
Emma had a sudden, overwhelming surge of sympathy for every poor, pimply boy she'd made fun of in middle school who hadn't wanted to stand up in front of the class.
Maybe this was what they called karma. If so, it sucked.
Right. She was an adult. She could handle the situation. Think of puppies. Dead puppies. Dead, zombie puppies, adorably prowling for brains.
Emma forced her body to relax, felt some blood begin to rush back to her brain. She could do this.
She did do it, for about all of thirty seconds, until blood red nails brushed her cock and she gasped involuntarily. Frolicking zombie puppies suddenly morphed into pictures of the former mayor sitting cross-legged on her desk, skirt indecently short. Under the apple tree, their lips almost touching, deep brown eyes sparkling with anger and Emma imagined pushing her up against her precious tree, forcing her hand underneath...
"Well...well, well, well." Regina whispered, in a slightly breathy voice that should be illegal and did not help Emma's growing problem at all. Especially when the other woman's fingers were running slowly over her length, nails scratching gently. "This does make things interesting."
Regina stood up – wide-eyed, Emma missed the view already – and used her free hand to draw Emma into a kiss. Her other never stopped teasing Emma's cock, and it was all the blonde could do to remain upright, much less kiss back. Soft, so soft, the moments of fingers and the ghosting of lips and tongue. Softer than anyone she'd ever been with, softer than anyone had a right to be.
Why hadn't they done this sooner? It would have solved so many problems.
"Come" Regina ordered, and Emma very nearly did when Regina tugged at her cock and forced her down on the couch.
Yeah, never making fun of guys again.
"Stay there." It was pointless, really, because with a flick of Regina's wrist the blonde found she couldn't move, arms and legs magically held down. It really shouldn't have been turning her on as much as it was, but she strained her body against the bonds anyway, testing and reveling in the pull as they held fast.
Another flick and Regina was naked and they really, really should have done this sooner.
Emma's hips jerked.
"So impatient." Regina slid her body up Emma's, all curves and supple skin, dark nipples standing out in sharp relief against Emma's own pale breasts. She licked at Emma's ears, at her neck, down her flushed chest, never staying in one spot for long as Emma struggled against her.
"Regina...please..."
"No, no, not yet dear. I want to really hear you beg." Her breath was hot on Emma's ear as she mumbled words in a language Emma didn't know. Words of earth and fire, of pain and pleasure and passion. "Oh Emma, I'm going to make you feel so, so good. You'll promise me anything, everything, just to get off, but you won't be able to come until I release you." She punctuated her statement with a nip to Emma's neck. "Do you know how long I've wanted to do this? Wanted you quivering and helpless under my touch? And now...and now..." She rolled her hips against Emma. "Not yet."
Emma whimpered when Regina's body left hers, sweat suddenly chilling on her skin. The brunette pushed her against the arm of the couch before draping herself over the opposite side. In a haze, Emma noticed that Regina had her heels on.
She'd been completely naked, earlier. Emma had been paying very close attention to Regina's clothed state, or lack thereof.
So why...?
Emma had her answer when Regina placed the sole of one against the base of her cock. It was not enough pressure to hurt, just a constant reminder of her subordinate position. And, she noticed with a moan, it placed the spiked heal right at her entrance.
"Watch." Regina reclined against the couch, one hand pulling roughly at a nipple while she dipped the other low, low between her legs. "I want you to watch."
There was a slight hitch in Regina's voice when she gave the order. Rapt, Emma still almost missed it, but it was the most important vocalization she'd ever heard. Better than the moans and cries of previous lovers, it proved that the brunette wanted this. Wanted her. Needed her.
It gave her power.
It seemed to last forever, the only sounds in the room the low, wet slick of Regina's fingers, the moans, low and high and wanting.
Emma strained against the magic, against the almost-pain of Regina's heel. Colors exploded behind her eyes; her entire body pulsed in time with Regina's chest, Regina's movements. Words fell from her lips in supplication, a litany of please and yes and fuck.
"Tell me, Emma. Tell me."
Emma didn't know when Regina had stopped; her eyes had fluttered closed centuries ago. It didn't matter.
"You you you," she sobbed. "Please Regina."
"What do you want?" A delicate pink tongue teased the head of her cock, and Emma jerked so hard she thought she was going to pass out. Almost welcomed it.
Almost.
"I w..a..want to fuck you."
Regina laughed, rough and dangerous. "I suppose you never were much for subtlety." Especially not with the spell she herself had woven, with the deep, secret part of her that thrilled to Emma's every breath, every touch.
And if she'd cut her planned seduction slightly short because her own pussy clenched in desperate anticipation, well, she could afford to ignore that at the moment.
"Poor, poor Emma. Let me give you what you want." She guided Emma's dick inside her, whimpering involuntarily at the fullness of it. "Ohhhh..."
She released the bonds and Emma surged upward without a word, grabbing roughly at Regina's hips. Regina could barely maintain control herself as she rocked against the blonde. Magic crackled in the air around, shivering over the two women, arcing in an orgy of purple flame.
Light-bulbs shattered, plunging the room into darkness.
"Emma...Emma..." She whispered wetly, head thrown back and tendons corded against the strain.
"Wait." Emma shook her head desperately, whining as Regina moved off her even for the few moments it took to switch their positions.
"Shh, darling. I promise I'll make it feel so much better." She took Emma's face in her hands, deliberately slowing their pace as much as she could. Magic thrummed through her body but the frenzied call for control was gone, replaced by something calm and peaceful.
Something joyful.
With the last desperate gasp of her awareness she split the magic into streams.
Emma writhed on top of Regina, unseeing, unthinking. Whatever worries she carried in the outside world disappeared in the here and now of wet heat and drawing nails.
Tendrils of magic given form entered her ass and pussy and she roared. Beneath her, Regina thrilled to the sound, filled totally by Emma, by magic, by the deep sinking tide of their passion. She played with Emma's tongue, curling her own around it, stroking its length. Teasing and biting at her lips.
Ages flew; seconds crawled. Regina felt herself drawn down, consciousness tunneling as her mind rejected any information not related to the press of Emma's body against her own, the plunge of magic inside her. She could take no more.
"Come with me, Emma...come...comecomecome."
Released, Emma poured herself into Regina. The world fractured; she slipped away into the warm embrace of oblivion.
XxXx
There may have been birds chirping when Emma woke up the next morning, but she certainly didn't notice them.
"I think you're making it worse." She joked, as Regina's hand worked underneath the sheets.
"Hmm..." The smile was back, but it was tempered slightly, with affection and something undefinable that neither of them were ready for. "Worse? Or better?"
If you enjoyed, please review. They're like crack for me, seriously. In a healthy way. I'm thinking of adding another chapter on to this where Emma turns the tables on Regina, anyone interested? Also, if there's any particular kink you would like to see in that next chapter, send me a message either here or on tumblr (ryaninthesky12) and I'll write it in.