Hollow, hollow was all Ste Hay felt. That wasn't how starting a new relationship (well an old one in this case) was meant feel. He'd awoken to find himself lying at the edge of the bed, his body physically as far away as he could get it. It hadn't been like this in Dublin, with him...He shook is head, not allowing himself to think of the forbidden name that was constantly on his mind. Brendan, Brendan, Brendan, Brendan: he could fill a room with the name, the amount of times it passed through his head.
Ste glanced over at his husband by law: Doug Carter. The man seemed happy, content even. Ste wished he could feel that way again, he hadn't felt like that in such a long time. He couldn't remember the last time he'd gone a night without nightmares, blurry nightmares which always involved a huge bang and a figure falling to floor. He'd thought bringing Doug back to his bed would change that, make the nightmares go away. But tonight they'd intensified and piercing blue eyes had looked at him betrayed, before the light faded out of them once again. Doug Carter may be his husband by law, but it was Brendan who his body believed was his real husband and soul mate. Brendan's touch still burned on Ste's skin and the wound from loosing him seemed to increase every day. Doug was supposed to fill the void, but even with his heavy breathing coming from the other side of Ste's bed - Ste had never felt so alone in his entire life.
He got out of bed, careful not to disturb Doug. When he'd first woken up he'd thought it was Brendan next to him, just like he'd done with George. But it never was, Brendan was locked away in some cold prison cell somewhere and was never coming back. He crept into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge, finding a can of lager inside waiting for him. Ste opened it and gulped it down quickly, desperate for it to numb him like it always did. Ste couldn't ignore the growing feelings of guilt, the feelings that people would usually associate with the guilt of cheating on a partner. But that couldn't be right, right? Doug was supposed to be his husband.
'But he's not,' said the voice in the back of Ste's head. 'Brendan is.'
Ste growled and threw the can of lager angrily into the sink. He glanced up and noticed one of Sinead's mirrors sitting on the kitchen work top. Ste looked into and didn't recognise the man staring back at him. The man staring back looked afraid and ghostly pale in the moonlight. He didn't look like a man who had just been happily reunited with his husband. Why couldn't he be happy? Why couldn't he fill the Brendan shaped void in his life? It must be him, there must be something wrong with him. How could anyone love him?
He slid down the counter in the kitchen and slowly began to sob. Nobody came this time and Ste didn't want them to. This was his moment; where he could just be himself, where he could just be the broken mess that Brendan had left behind.
'I miss you.' he whispered into the darkness.
He wondered if somewhere miles away Brendan could hear his words and would understand why he'd just did what he just did with Doug.
'I love you and it's never going to change.'
Ste let out one final sob. Doug had whispered those words many times during sex, but he hadn't been able to say them back. The words had turned into a lump in his throat and he knew to say them back would be lying. He'd just continued to have sex with his husband. Ste knew making love was not what the two of them had just done together. Making love was about living and breathing in the very person you were with, feeling as if the world could end and it wouldn't matter because the two of you had each other. Sex with Doug was a function, that made him feel for a short space of time he wasn't as broken as he felt. Love making with Brendan was passion and the feeling of being alive. But at the minute Ste just felt dead inside.
Ste shakily stood up and washed his face quickly in the sink. Nobody could know how he really felt or how lost he was underneath this façade he'd created. He was back with Doug because Doug never left him, Doug was always there for him. Being in love with a man like Brendan was always going to end badly. Being with Brendan made Ste feel alive, but being with Doug at least kept him safe. That was the main thing, right?
He slid back into bed with Doug, hardly making a sound. In the morning perhaps things would be different, perhaps he would wake up and something will have changed. Perhaps he'd be in love with the man next to him, who was more like a brother than anything else. Ste had been so many things over the last few years: a father, a son, a husband, a deli owner, a drug-dealer, a murderer and a lover. But he'd only felt himself, felt like he was just Ste when he was with Brendan. With Brendan gone he'd have to be a new person, one who made both his kids and Doug happy. He could do this, he'd pretended before and could pretend again.
As Ste closed his eyes, he knew exactly how tomorrow would be. He would wake up and pin a smile on his face. Ste would pretend everything was okay and they'd believe him. And maybe for a few minutes he'd believe himself. But the pain was always going to be there, the gaping void where Brendan Brady once resided in his heart. It was impossible to escape and he knew he never would. It could be five, twenty or even fifty years and Ste would never feel any different. He was always going to be desperately in love with Brendan Brady and never be able to have him. Doug was right when he'd said Leah and Lucas were his sun and water (he would die without them), but Brendan was his moon and stars (his light in the darkness). But now all the lights had gone out and he was forever stuck in the night. How was it possible for him to feel so dead, when his heart was still beating?
In the morning Ste would get up and pretend everything was okay. There would be no asking if the whole thing was a dream, like the time he'd woke up next to Brendan in Dublin. But in his heart, where the true Steven Hay was hidden there was a different question that lingered: when would this nightmare of being apart from Brendan end? In a prison cell miles away Brendan Brady asked the exactly same question about his Steven.