Title: My Destiny
Pairing: None.
Rating: K+
Genre: Gen
Cat: Angst, Character Study, Episode Tag
Spoilers: Takes place after Truth or Consequences/during Reunion.
Warnings: None.
Summary: This is her life, and only she has the ability to change it.
Author's Note: Written for The End Where I Begin Challenge on NFA.
I do not quite know how to feel. I should be relieved, happy, feel safe now that I am out of harm's way. But I will never be entirely out of danger. I know that. Not as long as my father is alive and I put myself into these situations of my own will.
Somalia was an assignment. I could have very well refused to do it, and my father would have been angry, but he would have gotten over it eventually.
But I didn't refuse. I accepted the assignment, willingly, because I had nothing to lose. Gibbs had left me behind, and someone had to take the job. I knew I was basically on a suicide mission, but at that point, I did not care. I was willing to die, and I very well thought that was just what was going to happen to me . . . until I saw Tony.
Now I just feel confused. I trust the team - Gibbs, McGee, even Tony, despite what he has done in the past - but I do not know if they trust me anymore. McGee I do not worry so much about, but Tony and Gibbs . . . I have not been completely honest with any of them, and I would not blame them if they didn't return my trust.
But I do want them to trust me. I want that more than anything, because they mean more to me than anyone else in this crazy world. I do not know how they became so much more than co-workers to me, but they are truly everything to me now. I can admit that to myself now that I am back here, back at NCIS.
Not since I was a child have I felt that I belonged somewhere. My mother was very loving, and made sure to tell Tali and me how much she loved us every chance she got. When she died, I forgot how that felt, and I shut down. As soon as I was old enough, I joined Mossad. I needed distraction, and a reason to listen to my father. In truth, I think I was simply looking for his approval. I do know that he cares, but I am not sure what is more important to him - his family, or his country.
I tried to tell myself I didn't care about anything besides keeping my country safe, being the dutiful citizen to Israel my father (and I myself) wanted me to be. But I was never the cold, hard assassin I was trained to be. Coming to America and NCIS made me realize that. But then Gibbs abandoned me to my father's devices, and the little hope I had for the future withered up inside me.
I felt betrayed. I realized that, yes, my time in America had indeed made me soft, and I had allowed my defenses to be broken, my trust to be gained, and myself to grow comfortable. It was a slap in the face. I was there to do a job, and I had allowed NCIS to worm its way into my personal life, as well.
Perhaps it was the duration of my time at NCIS that had made me open up, accept these people as not just co-workers, but friends, but I would be fooling myself if I said that was all it was. There was something different about this team. Perhaps it was the fact that I was working as part of a team, a group of people who relied on each other 100 percent of the time, that did it, but that is another excuse.
The simple truth is that I had found people with whom I could not imagine living without, so when that seemed as if it may be the case . . . I resigned myself to just that.
I allowed myself to be captured, but I would not allow that monster anything beyond that. I still had a duty to serve, to my country and to my father, and I was not about to allow a terrorist to take my honor. I was tortured, sometimes for hours on end, but I refused to talk.
I had reverted to the life I led after my mother died, after Tali was killed, after I shot Ari to save a man I barely knew. I felt nothing but an obligation to prevent evil from triumphing over good. Nothing else mattered. I could not allow myself the luxury.
And then, Tony and McGee risked their lives to avenge what they thought was my death. I felt the walls I had built back up begin to crumble, slowly, but it is not easy to just flip a switch and take back the life I had begun to live in America, especially with how I left things, with Tony, and Gibbs.
Now, I have a chance to change things. I am back at NCIS, and I know now, after all I have been through, that this is where I truly belong. I would like to return to the team, to prove to them that I was worth saving after all, that I can be trusted with their lives.
I know there is a lot I must give up, things I must do in order to regain my position. Passing evaluations is the least of my worries. I could easily be assigned anywhere within NCIS, or return to Mossad, if I wished. I know how to ensure my reinstatement. But I do not want to be assigned just anywhere, and I certainly do not want to return to Mossad. I only want to be back on Gibbs' team, the team I have grown to call my own.
First, I know I must speak with Gibbs, and apologize to Tony, and neither of those conversations will be easy to have, but they are necessary. I am willing to set aside my pride in order to make things right, as they should be . . . even if it means Tony having something to lord over me in the future.
I can only hope that we will be at that point again, where we can joke and smile, be the friends we were before all this happened. And I know that in order to reach that point, I need to make the first step.
I will speak to Gibbs, and Tony . . . and I will resign my position with Mossad. It is time for me to put the past into the past, and focus on what is important - the present, and my future with NCIS.
My life depends upon it.
THE END