Title: Occupational Hazards
Rating: T
Summary: Inspired by the episode "Light Sleeper." For Yoon Dawson, falling in love with a handsome American man was an occupational hazard that ended her career as a North Korean spy. Ziva David has a potential occupational hazard of her own, and his name is Tony DiNozzo. TIVA.
A/N: Partly inspired by the song, "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down.
"You love me, but you don't know who I am…" – "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down
At first, she'd felt nothing but disbelief and contempt when they'd discovered the truth about Yoon Dawson. No spy worth her salt would abandon a vital mission just because she fancied herself in love with the enemy.
It made no sense. Yoon Dawson had given up everything – home, country, career, family, friends, principles… And for what? To play house with an American lughead who hadn't even finished college? Sure, he was good-looking, but was that really enough to warrant throwing it all away? Everything she had ever believed in?
It was inconceivable that someone with Yoon Dawson's talents and abilities could find contentment in being a housewife and mother.
Ziva couldn't understand it at all. I would never be so weak or impetuous, she firmly told herself.
And yet, she also had to admit that a part of her was just a little bit envious. What would it be like to find a love so compelling that it would make an experienced spy and assassin switch allegiances so completely?
Would she ever know a love like that?
Would she want to?
She wasn't sure she wanted to find out.
But watching Yoon Dawson being reunited with her husband and daughter made Ziva realize just how wrong she'd been in her earlier assessment of the situation. Yoon Dawson clearly loved her husband and baby daughter very much. It was apparent in her eyes. And they loved her back.
Ziva felt so cynical.
It hadn't been an occupational hazard, after all.
Or had it?
The training and conditioning that a spy had to endure was gruesome and difficult to leave behind. Contrary to what Tony and millions of other Bond fans believed, one didn't generally become a spy and assassin for the fun of it. You did it because you had to, for survival. You did it to defend your way of life and what you most deeply believed in.
Ziva couldn't fathom how Yoon Dawson had transformed completely. In becoming a mother, her priorities had changed, and she'd become obsessed with shielding her family from harm instead of completing the mission.
Perhaps maternal instincts were far more powerful and dangerous than any conditioning a spy could go through. Ziva had never considered that before, but there was no doubt that Yoon Dawson had been so desperate to protect her daughter that she'd ruthlessly executed two members of her cell and had been prepared to kill the third.
Ziva sighed, remembering how Tony had asked her why she'd been so certain that Yoon Dawson was trying to maintain her cover, at any cost.
She'd told him, "That's what I would do." She'd made it clear she would have no qualms about marrying and having a child, then discarding them, if that was what was necessary for the success of the mission.
Tony had looked so shocked when she'd made that dispassionate proclamation so matter-of-factly.
She winced now, remembering how cold and callous she'd sounded.
It wasn't true, what she'd said. She'd be hard-pressed to give up the man she loved and her child. But she wanted him to think it was true.
She'd wanted him to be shocked. She'd wanted to send him the message loud and clear, that she was not someone to be messed with. That if he was ever serious about pursuing her, he'd better be damned well sure he knew what he was getting into.
She wanted to warn him not to get too close to her.
It was as much for her as it was for him.
She had to be careful. Yoon Dawson wasn't the only one prone to falling in love with a handsome American man.
Ziva feared that the longer she stayed at NCIS, the more likely it was to happen. She didn't believe that anything was inevitable, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore her growing feelings for Tony.
Fortunately, denial was a powerful force, and that was a game she was good at.
Still, she couldn't help but wonder if it had been his roundabout way of asking if she could ever give it all up for love. If she could let go of all her conditioning and allow a man to get close enough to her that she might actually trust him and fall in love with him.
She shook her head. It was too dangerous. What had happened to Yoon Dawson embodied all her fears about getting too close to someone. It only proved that even if she were to find love and have a family, it could all be torn away from her at any given moment.
You couldn't just walk away from being a spy and an assassin. Yoon Dawson had tried to, but in the end it had caught up with her. No matter how much she'd wanted a new life, all she had to look forward to right now was interrogation and possibly prison. Who knew what would happen when the FBI took custody of her? Would they believe her? Or would they see her as a potential threat?
It was brutal. Ziva felt heavy sorrow, knowing that the baby girl might never know her mother. Tony had wanted to put a positive spin on the situation for Sergeant Dawson's benefit because deep down he was a romantic and an eternal optimist, but they all knew that Yoon might never see her husband and daughter ever again.
Regardless, Sergeant Dawson had stood by his wife. Even in face of all the evidence that she had been a North Korean spy and had married him to gain entry to the U.S., he still loved her and had faith in her. He had told her he would wait for her and that they would face everything together.
It was astounding.
How can Sergeant Dawson forgive his wife? Ziva wondered. How well did he really know her, when she'd had to conceal so much of her identity from him?
It hit a little too close to home.
Was there any chance for her and Tony? If they ever did end up together, would he still love her if he knew about all of the atrocities she had committed? The people that she had killed? That she had killed her own brother?
How could he? How could anyone?
And yet, she couldn't help but hold out hope. If Sergeant Dawson could forgive Yoon for being a spy and assassin…
After all, she and Tony were on the same side. Israel and the U.S. were close allies, not enemies like the U.S. and North Korea.
But fear kept her from seriously considering the possibility.
She didn't want to have to choose between love and duty. Her loyalties were always divided. She'd already had to choose before, with Ari, and it had nearly destroyed her. She couldn't go through that again.
She couldn't afford to fall in love with Tony, not now, not ever.
She had to safeguard her heart from such occupational hazards.
The End