[[[So I told my friend SuperCatGirl "Hey, give me a fanfic idea and I'll write it for you".
She mapped out the storyline and beta'd my sloppy blabbering, spoon feeding me brain flakes.
Then this happened.
I'm SO sorry to all these characters for making them derpy. x3
Warnings: SO much fluff, Blondie, Lots of cursing because Conrad is a whiny bitch, Bromance between two cool vampires and one sucky one, and HEAVILLY implied Casfin. But it's ok because they're like, married.
Oh yeah, don't take it seriously. Ever.
The title is from The Horror of Our Love by Ludo.]]
Awful Edges
For the record, it wasn't my fault. I mean, I will admit that there are some things about the situation that could've been avoided had I more foresight... but it's still not totally my fault. Some of it was definitely circumstantial, chalked up to bad luck and the slowly bloating Universe. Hell, if you're still dumb enough to believe in a Higher Power after learning that selkies wear hoodies, make uncouth sex jokes and play Pokemon, you could always say it was a divine act of God. I personally don't subscribe to that BS...definitely not after all the shit I've seen within this past year.
It started with Hanna. I mean, doesn't it always? It wasn't enough for the little weirdly-named carrot top to ruin my life (not to mention ending it), he had to go and get a head start on my afterlife too.
He's always been incredibly ambitious in those areas, though he's not terribly great at things like self preservation...or bathing...or remembering to spend money on necessary expenses instead Dick Tracey comics, video games and sharpies.
Somehow, and don't ask me how, he convinced me to start shopping for him so he'd have more time to work on cases with Long, Tall, and Dead. He has a day job but nights are strictly reserved for "sleuthing" and sometimes I think he forgets to sleep at all. I mean when would he technically have the time?
Granted I'm the one that offered to start paying for the groceries but only to make myjob easier, I assure you. It's pretty hard to budget a grocery list with a pocket full of dryer lint, nickels and quarters. Not to be insensitive but...Hanna's pretty damn poor.
I happen to be that rare species of artist that manages to make money doing what they love exclusively. I haven't had a "starving artist" complex since right out of college and I'm proud of it.
The only problem is, all that hard work doesn't mean shit when you're technically dead ...and I have to design in order to keep myself moderately sane.
No matter how many snappy dishware sets or Iphone accessories I buy, eventually the lack of a need for food and toiletries leaves a gaping hole in my expenses. This is quickly filled however, by the fact that my once quiet, solitary life is suddenly clamoring with needy lunatics. Before I know it, because of Hanna I also have this bratty teenager occasionally shacking up at my place and he wants stuff I'd never have in my house even when I was alive like ...Nutella. What the fuck is Nutella?
It is mostly for this reason that around 3 AM every Friday I'm usually tramping out of 24 Hour Savemart on a quest to ensure that Hanna has instant macaroni and cheese, lots of Mountain Dew and plenty of milk to dunk his Golden Oreos in (I have no idea how he remains that skinny).
I'm sorry to repeat myself, but I just want to make it clear before we go on, that if it wasn't for Hanna's obsession with cheap, water based processed food, noneof this would've happened.
According to Doctor Asswipe, I'm already dead so I figured (incorrectly) that there's wasn't really a lot that could happen to me. I was so fucking wrong.
So I let my mind wander as I trudged across the deserted parking lot, pushing the cart without really looking in front of me, my feet unconsciously leading me to the place where I parked almost every time. I like to work in patterns, orderlypatterns ...or at least I used to before shit like thisstarted happening.
A rather large CRASH! interrupted my progress, wringing a half scream out of my throat and sending me careening forward, my face meeting the steel webbing of the cart's interior. Apparently nothing makes a loud noise like a large broad shouldered vampire colliding directly with a Savemart shopping cart. I might as well have hit a boulder.
"Owwwwww...MOTHER FUCK"!
I groaned loudly as I tried to pick my throbbing head up with a neck that now felt more like an accordion. When my vision cleared, I looked up to see a bearded square cut jaw drawn into a small worried frown. The face it was attached to was drawn in consternation and, of all things embarrassment. I glanced at the mournful sight of my overturned grocery cart and then back at the totally unchanged vampire standing directly in my path. Words failed me.
"Good Evening, Mr. Achenleck. I really do apologize that we continue to meet this way," said the deep voice, lightly frosted with a barely noticeable British accent. That's funny for Finas to say because, the last time, I don't remember there being a shopping cart; only a lot of screaming (mostly on my end), blood, confusion and unapologetic cheating at poker.
But I saw what he meant as soon as his friend? partner? lover?(whatever the hell they were to each other) seemed to spring from the pooled shadows around us. He popped up like some kind of dark daisy, freshly shined black shoes flashing as brightly as his two toned eyes in the moonlight. The creepy dead one was especially bright while the red one was widened in sadistic amusement.
Casimiro put his grabby hands on me. Damn it, this guy was always touchingme. First, he kicks me in the face and now he up and stalksme right out of Savemart. I wish that restraining orders were viable in the supernatural community.
"Gyahahah"! I sputtered intelligently, seizing up like a frightened hedgehog. Except I didn't really have any spikes, so the Italian fuck continued to invade my personal space. And, oh yeah, he grinned.
"A little excitable aren't ya"? He sneered, all but massaging my shoulders which were tense with the desire to flee.
"Jesus Christ, Snaggletooth, you're a friggin' vampire, not a sixteen year old girl".
Finas sighed sufferingly as he dusted himself off but Casimiro paid no mind. The reedy man's good eye confronted my own head on, and I felt immediately backed into a corner. This wasn't just a random coincidence, was it? They were here looking for me.
"Look kid, all joking aside, we gotta talk".
"What the fuck is wrongwith you"? I said, stalking away from his grasp and twisting around to stare at the both of them, not at all appreciating being called ikid/i. I frowned to make my distaste clear before bending down to salvage Hanna's groceries. I don't care how scary they are. Whatever the pair had to say could fucking wait, I just blew my hard earned cash and like two hours of my precious time on this crap.
"What's wrong with you?", retorted the gray vampire childishly, leaping nimbly to the top of the shopping cart as if it were a podium and staring down his bent nose at me.
"What the hell are ya buying-" he squinted "Oreos? Are ya in denialor something?"
Well... yes, kind of, but not to the point where I'm going to try to eat Oreos when I can't physically digest solid food, thank you very much.
"They're for Hannaif you must fucking know," I snapped. "What's the deal with cornering me in the parking lot anyway? What, you couldn't wait until a more respectable..."
Casimiro raised his high arching eyebrows and tapped his left foot without patience.
"Oh," I said instantly deflating. Vampires. Night time. Right. "Sorry I forgot."
Casimiro turned to Finas, his eye narrowing (the other one was always just sort of squinted anyway), practically flapping his arms in outrage. "Do you see Finas? He's shopping at Savemart, he's wearing sweater vests, he can't even fucking remember the most basic...Do you see what I have to deal with here, Jesus fucking Chri-."
"Let me handle this Cas," said Finas calmly, his brow knitting.
The Italian snorted and hopped off the cart, giving me enough chance to awkwardly haul it back up to its wheels before Finas approached me. Thankfully, he was kind enough to keep his distance. He then drew his large hands up in a 'let's make peace' type gesture.
"Mr. Achenleck, it has come to our attention that though your red haired friend...What was his name?"
Friend, live-in stalker, constant annoyance. Same difference.
"Hanna," I supplied sighing.
"...means to help us, we've noticed from observing his last few cases that he's not exactly proficient in these matters and..."
"He kinda sucksat the whole paranormal investigation thing" supplied Casimiro, crossing his arms over his chest. "We honestly should've figured it since he was stupid enough to free Adelaide in the first place...but after watching him a couple times we're pretty sure".
I squared my shoulders, for some incomprehensible reason, feeling extremely defensive. Okay, yes, everything that they were saying about the psychotic ginger was technically true but ...still. Hanna hadn't killed anyone since me and despite being an idiot...he did try. That had to count for something.
"He's getting better" I said with an edge in my voice. "A bit..kind of...he's not too bad." I mean, it wasn't like he charged people too much for his services. He hardly charged anything really and he always did the best he could. Besides, Finas and Casimiro had threatened him into it, so they should just get over themselves...not that I caredor anything.
"Yes, but we doubt 'not too bad' would survive a second encounter with Adelaide," said Finas, raising an eyebrow. "You have no idea- the amount of power she possesses when she is free from her curse".
Uh, I kind of had an idea. I mean she did sort of killme.
"...And this is totally personal," Casimiro added in a growl. "She's such a fucking bitch, I can't wait to get my hands on her-"
"So..." Finas interrupted, reasserting his new role as spokesman before the Italian could continue. "We've decided to reconsider our offer for his services and instead pursue her ourselves."
I frowned dubiously, pushing the cart towards my car and flipping open the trunk. "So, what does that have to do with me?"
"As I mentioned previously, you and Adelaide have a connection. She is technically your sire, even if she has broken custom and left you to your own devices."
"You're like the little lost Ugly Duckling," Casimiro chimed in helpfully. "Nobody wants you."
Thanks for clearing that up asshole.
"Cas" Finas said this time with a warning in his tone. "Mr. Achenleck, the point behind this is that we are in need of your help, and your magical connection with your sire would be invaluable in assisting our efforts to track her down."
"What if I'm not interested in er...assisting"? I said immediately, not quite over the Ugly Duckling comment. "What if I say no? Believe it or not, I'm kind of busy. Besides I already have enough ...supernaturalin my life at the moment."
Actually I wasn't busy with anything. I was God-help-mekind of bored, but I wasn't keen on spending any more time than I had to with these two freaks. Frankly, they gave me the willies.
This was not aided by the fact that Finas's polite voice took on a decidedly dangerous undertone. It contained the barest hint of irritation but it sent shocks of cold blasting right through me. It was the tone of someone who wasn't used to being so rudely rejected. I could now see why.
"Now why" he said narrowing deep maroon eyes. "Would you go and do a thing like that?"
Casimiro laughed coldly. "Ah, he thinks we're giving him a choice in the matter."
I laughed too, though I didn't find it funny at all, shifting on my feet. Oh God.
"Look... I just...I just have a lot on my plate at the moment and I would, help but..."
The Italian approached me again, so fast that I didn't have time to back away. He pushed me against the hood of my car. Finas clicked his tongue disapprovingly, but he didn't interfere. Casimiro's musical voice was now unrestrained and feral.
"Snaggletooth, don't make this hard on us. I really," he clutched harder on my shoulder, and I stood dumbly frozen in fear. "REALLY, want to catch Adelaide..." His voice tapered off into a low hissing that sounded to me like steam whistling out of a kettle.
"And if you try to resist, you're standing in my way. Ya don't wantto be standing in my way." Finas nodded. "Ah yes, not in this matter. It is, you see, a long standing grudge".
I felt practically weak in my knees. Oh shit. Oh shit. These guys were killers. They killed people allthe time.
"Please don't hurt me" I managed in a tiny voice. Looking back on it, I don't think it was one of my finer moments. But, just because I died, doesn't mean I'm not human anymore okay? Casimiro is fucking scary.
Like a typical bully, the Italian was agitated further by my weakness, and he clutched me hard enough to make me squeak in pain. "I ought to just kick your ass for being...you. God damn it, grow a pair already"!
That was when Finas spoke up again. "Casimiro, we're not going to get anywhere this way. At best, we'll make him faint and then we'll have an unconscious fledgling on our hands." He put his hand on the other man's shoulder, and Casimiro immediately released me. I stayed backed up against my car, as they shifted places, feeling like a puddle of goo under Finas's stern gaze.
"If you want to look at it in a better light, take it this way, child. How long do you think you're going to last without some kind of guidance?"
I'm doing pretty well so far, I almost added but decided to stay silent with the older man glowering down at me like that. He reminded me of teachers I'd had in school as a kid. The type who would if need be, use rulers.
Without waiting for an answer, Finas continued "If you think that Casimiro and myself are among the most frightening denizens of the supernatural community, you are gravely mistaken. Once you are aware that creatures like us exist, once you have become one of us, it is impossible to turn back. You mustlearn more about your natural defensive abilities...about being a vampire in general, or frankly you don't stand a chance of making it past a year...I can scarcely imagine a few decades."
"Or days," the Italian added.
After recovering from hearing Finas say more than three words for the first time, I began to consider it. Even though I wanted to keep denying their existence and I trusted Casimiro and Finas as far as I could throw them, what Finas had said well...it made sense.
It was the most sense I had gotten actually since I'd been bitten. Hanna didn't say anything useful, when he tried he could never stay still long enough to explain it properly, Worth...well he might've known somethingbut he'd rather call me a faggot all day and night then tell me one useful thing (that, and I wasn't exactly aching for his company).
If Finas and Casimiro were experienced vampires and they were willing to teach me a thing or two it might make this surreal nightmare a little more tangible, manageable...controllable. That or it might be incredibly terrifying like their previous encounters with me.
"I... I guess that makes sense," I said with shaky affirmation. "So in exchange for helping you track down Adelaide..."
"Well for starters we won't bend your arms in half, and we'll half-ass adopt you as our little fledgling" said Casimiro with a grin that made me very uncomfortable. "Our own little Ugly Duckling! Won't that be special?"
"It's nothing so dramatic Casimiro," said Finas, sounding amused in a very reserved way.
"...and it won't be dangerous or anything will it"? I said, ready to commit suicide for the tones I'd been taking. But, fuck it. I'd rather be a coward than get dragged into more dangerous shenanigans. I got enough of that with Hanna for Christ sakes. I wasn't anxious to encounter the purple haired bitch again either. The first time hadn't exactly gone swimmingly. "I mean for me...since I'm just the uh...tracker."
Finas's frown deepened slightly while Casimiro gave me a disgusted stare. But the broad shouldered vampire sighed and dipped his shaggy head.
"It very well might be dangerous. However, Casimiro and I will do everything in our power to ensure that if you help us... no harm will come to you."
I bristled and began to argue but he put up his hands.
"We are not the most frightening, as I've said, but we arecapable. Very capable. You have no need to doubt our ability to protect you." Casimiro kicked a few dead leaves around with the toe of his pointed shoes. "Living a few hundred years will do that to you".
Seeing as I obviously didn't have much of a choice, I decided to take that as an acceptable reassurance. "Well" I said rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly. "Can we get out of the parking lot then? I still have to take these home."
Casimiro snorted "Don't kid yourself. We're not driving anywhere with you. You're coming with us."
"I have to take Hanna's groceries back," I snapped. "If you're going to become one of the manypeople who fucking abuse my humanitarian sensibilities, you can fucking wait your turn."
"Don't talk back to me, you little fa-"
"Silence, the both of you," grunted Finas, flicking his hand. "I haven't ridden in a car in fifty years or more Casimiro, and this one is a particularly nice model. I'd be interested to experience it again."
I blinked in surprise "Er...really"? Casimiro followed suit. "ReallyFinas? Those things are nothing but smoke belching-..."
"Yes" confirmed Finas pleasantly. "Could we drive with the hood down as well?"
"But Finaas" Casimiro whined, his long arms suddenly going limp as he stared at the car. "The kid doesn't even know how to shift into bat form yet and it's not vampire-y to ride around in a sports car..."
Finas simply looked at him and he grunted in a defeated tone. "Fine."
He got in the back seat, frowning but not arguing further. If I had been less fucking weirded out by the whole situation, I probably would've kind of found it funny. I've been called a pussy at times... but at least I wasn't pussy-whipped.
The duration of the ride consisted of me being stressed out and trying in vain to concentrate on the road ahead with two curious vampires in my car.
Casimiro seemed to find fault with every dip and turn I made. I quickly found myself growing frustrated with both his complaints and Finas's historical banter, not to mention the constant tweaking of my radio and air conditioning system. He seemed astounded with the way cars had progressed in the last few decades.
It would've been interesting actually, except that Finas didn't speak much. He trailed off a lot in the middle of his sentences, and judging the way they were looking at each other I assumed that they had telepathic abilities and were conducting entire conversations without moving their mouths.
It was the only explanation for the way they seemed to think and speak in perfect sync. I began to feel like an even bigger tool than usual since they weren't including me in the conversation. Great, now I was a provider for a shitty paranormal investigator, the roommate of a socially challenged selkie and apparently the chauffeur for two vampires. Mother would be so damn proud.
The night was waning by the time I finally pulled up to the complex, very frazzled and ready to give Hanna his food and then tell him to get the fuck out of my place so I could get some well deserved shut-eye. That is, if Finas and Casimiro were willing to put off their extremelydemanding proposition for one friggin' day; if that wasn't asking too fucking much.
"What did you say your name was again?" I heard a voice I immediately recognized as I stood outside my condo's door.
Normally not very much was going on around 3:30 AM in my apartment complex since it consisted of mainly respectable hard working individuals (something that was defied constantly by the company I now kept). So it was easy to hear the conversation taking place even before I opened the door. I wasn't sure why but I hesitated.
I knew Hanna will have probably been spending the extra hour or two abusing my stereo system, my cable or my Wii, and Veser would probably be with him, doing something that would inevitably make me very angry and threaten to kick him out and reclaim my living space in the name of all that was holy and right (though unfortunately that never seemed to actually happen).
But the voice that made the reply was so sober and mature I knew instantly it didn't belong to the teenager. "I didn't say," he replied promptly. "It's Adam Van Dyke, though. A pleasure to meet you."
Who the hell?Casimiro and Finas had agreed to help me carry the groceries, so they were still a ways down the hall, gently arguing with each other in the distance as I stood with my hand on the door knob.
"Jeez, I didn't know Conrad still saw his old friends now that you know..."
"We've been friends long enough for him to trust me" said the stranger, pausing before adding. "Would you like to pet him? He doesn't bite."
"He's socute" Hanna trilled delightedly. "I won't pet him though, heh, animals don't usually like me".
My jaw tightened. There were so many things wrong with this, I didn't even know where to begin. First of all, this guy claiming to be my friend and sitting inside my apartment, I had no fucking idea who he was. And second of all...there was some kind of animal in there. An animalinside my nice clean condo! Toni was bad enough, but at least she usually stayed in human form when sitting on the couch.
Without waiting another second I burst the door open, a few bags still clutched in my arms. "What the hell is going on in here!" I demanded, immediately whirling to see Hanna sitting on the couch with a man I had never seen before in my life.
'Adam Van Dyke' had a pair of blue goggles fixed so tightly over his eyes that I couldn't see them. They might as well have been his eyes, round, eerie, cyan…unfeeling. Almost every part of his body was covered by some kind of barrier, and it had the effect of making him look like some kind of alien invader from a really low budget horror movie.
Just as I suspected there it was, vermin, a ferret draped protectively around his shoulder. I noticed that it bristled and started to twitch and paw at the neck of its master when it noticed my presence.
Hanna's blue eyes lit up when he saw me walk in with bags, hopping to his feet immediately and leaving the stranger on the couch. I didn't like the way that guy was looking at me. It wasn't aggressive but it was ...cold and observatory. It was like he was looking at me through glass in some kind of terrarium. Hanna's flow of babble was immediate and almost completely unbroken, distracting my attention.
"Hey Connie! Thanks for the vittles, hehe, Ziggy was throwing some pretty weird stuff together for a while. Did you get Vesser's Nutella?
He's at a concert by the way with Toni and Zig went with 'em to keep them out of trouble. Death metal isn't really my thing though... Your...your friend said he wanted to see you. He said you guys talked earlier on the...no?" the redhead explained, jerking his head back at the tall, stoic man who didn't move or even seem to breathe much.
I could see by Hanna's face that he already knew something was wrong, that he had screwed up somehow... it was very slowly dawning on him that perhaps he should have questioned the masked stranger a bit more. I had time to think in a rushed huff. Damn it Hanna, why are you so naïve?Feeling weak in the arms I set the groceries down, almost letting them fall from my hands.
There's always this dragging moment of calm before everything goes to hell. They don't only exist in fiction, your mind fucking plays tricks on you. At the time those few seconds seemed to crawl by. I still remember watching Hanna's face fall, unease beginning to creep into it, and then briefly something I didn't see there very often, fear.
'Adam Van Dyke' moved so slowly in that pocket of unmarked time, he was making some kind of reaching movement with his arm into his coat, but then everything suddenly sped up, like a car crash in some corny action movie, and I lost track of all those individual elements. I couldn't fucking tell you what Hanna was doing, or what that arm was reaching for. I turned around.
"Is there a problem Mr. Achenleck-" I heard Finas's voice pop in brightly and then cut off sharply, just a sharp collision of pitch, as if that brightness had taken an unexpected dive down a sheer cliff. I turned around only to see the flash of the movement where the two vampires had obviously been standing in the door frame but had disappeared like smoke on a gust of wind.
It was then that the first gun shot rang out, a bullet whizzing past my head with an echoing CRACK! and SLAM! I was on the floor, on my knees, my arms flailing wildly as I yelled hoarsely in my usual eloquent fashion. "WHAT THE FUCK!"
I heard Finas's yell from somewhere down the hall, even it's deep booming report sounding weak next to the loudness of the gun shot. "RUN CONRAD!" but
I scrambled uselessly on my legs when I looked up to see the barrel pointing directly at me. Another yell resounded, this time I thought it might've been Casimiro's voice.
"RUN!"
But I was like a deer in headlights. My spindly legs were Jell-O. I was fucked.
"Leave him the fuck alone, Van Dyke!"
I heard Hanna spit from behind the couch, his sharpie uncapped with that fuckingpsycho look in his wide, electric blue eyes. It was an expression that usually worried me immensely, but in this case it worried me even morebecause he looked pissed as hell and ready to do something really rash. A fresh, unfinished rune glowed on his hand, which trembled in his obviously overwhelming anger. The shape the rune was taking reminded me of the curling figure of a bomb's fuse.
Hanna no, fucking stop you have NO chance.I wanted to say that, but I couldn't move my mouth.
If I survived this I made a mental note to have a little talkwith Hanna about the pros and cons of threatening a person with a gun when you don't have a gun yourself. He drew another thin streak of a line across his arm and then bared his teeth in a grimace.
"You aren't Connie's friend, are you? Friends don't let friends blow each other's brains out. You fucking liedto me, man. That's not cool."
"It's Abner Van Slyke actually and I was under cover. I'll have to ask you to put the marker down and exit the complex." He paused, the gun was still in my face but his attention was on Hanna. I suppose I could have tried to run for it, but I was still frozen dumbly in shock, a vampire-shaped puddle on the floor.
Abner continued softly, as though he didn't feel he needed to raise his voice to be heard. "I will only ask once, Mr. Cross. In the effort to control the global spike in vampirism, certain sacrifices must be made. I usually try to avoid human casualties but I have no qualms about doing away with the allies of vampires." The glow in those goggles seemed to flicker and darken."Why is it, that you are writing on yourself?"
"You're about to friggin' see," said Hanna beginning to finish the rune he was drawing across his own arm. Abner, in one swift motion jammed the barrel of the gun against my nose with sucker-punch force, sending me spitting blood and, cursing in an arc backwards, the room spinning.
With a sharp swoop he turned, blasting at Hanna just as an eerie red flare began to crackle around the younger man's silhouette. The sound of the gunshot and the curious humming of the magical energy ...stuffculminated into a sound that practically broke my ear drums and would have surely woken up everyone in the complex by now if the world made sense. It was a sound like five hundred angry bees buzzing at once.
I personally have no idea how magic works any better than when I first met Hanna. I really don't see how drawing stuffon yourself with a sharpie can give you powers, if that were so you'd see a lot of flying scene kids with laser vision, you know?
I'm beginning to think that it doesn't actually make sense, and the only reason Hanna can do magic is because he doesn't carehow the fuck it works, he's just crazy.
It must've been sheer dumb luck that Hanna's spell had already started working by the time Abner decided to exterminate the potential threat. However, I think something must've gone wrong because instead of being useful in any way, the spell seemed to sort of back fire, or combust on itself. I don't think Hanna got shot but then again my apartment complex is not on the ground floor.
I screamed when I saw Hanna crash backwards through the window and disappear out of it, scrabbling to my feet and almost forgetting the fact that my nose was broken and there was a psychotic... vampire hunter not three feet away from me. I stumbled across broken glass and looked out into the night but I didn't have enough time to actually check to see if there was a splattered paranormal investigator on the street. My heart was in my throat, I could feel hysterical tears welling in my eyes. No No No
A gloved hand cruelly caught the back of my neck and threw me against the ground like I was a discarded piece of tissue paper, my legs folding in on themselves and my wrists meeting the floor at a cruel angle. Abner's gun clicked again as he adjusted it. I looked into the whirlpool goggles, searching hopelessly for any sort of sympathy or mercy. I found none of that, as it seemed to be reserved strictly for those Abner Van Syke considered human
Here's a hint: me and Hanna weren't on the list.
I should have run when Finas said to, I should have run a long time ago but now it was too late. I apologize for the reiteration, but I was utterly fucked.
Abner Van Slyke's ferret twisted and hissed, dancing excitedly around his neck as I began to plead in a hoarse whisper.
"Oh god, please please PLEASE, don't kill me. I'm not a threat! I haven't hurt anyone I promise I-"
"You're a vampire Mr. Achenleck. It would be remiss to me, a vampire hunter to simply let you go" he said in a bored voice, positioning his weapon. "A very small, weak one, I grant, but that's how they allstart out, I assure you. Please stay still, if I miss it'll be much more painful for you and that is not at all my intention.." He lifted the gun, I saw his hand twitch. This was it; He was going to shoot me, kill me again just like he most likely killed Hanna.
"I HAVEN'T HURT ANYONE"! I almost wailed, crawling backwards like a cockroach scuttling away from the sound of footsteps.
"Jesus Christ, Snaggletooth, shut the hell up!"
Huh?
Casimiro pounced on the other man in one fluid motion. His hands seemed to melt through fabric as if it were snow; the only sign that the fingers were actually damaging it was the awful tearing sound that seemed to come too late after the action. He clawed, ripping away at all those carefully placed barriers and the skin beneath them, his enormous fangs bared in an animalistic snarl, and that white eye glowing impossibly bright.
Abner made a sound that did not at all suit him, a panicked screech, wrestling in blind hysteria to get the vampire off of him, crushing broken glass under his thick boots with sharp splintering sounds.
Casimiro batted his rifle away like a cat pawing lazily at a butterfly and I heard it THUD as it hit the floor, bent into something that could've easily, in my experience, been modern art. Casimiro met my gaze for about two seconds and for that moment I was almost more scared of himthan I was of Abner.
"RUN! FUCKING RUN, YA STUPID BITCH"!
Finally the command registered and I got to my feet and crossed the condo's threshold, air hitting my face and drying the blood pooled near my nostrils which dripped down my chin. I didn't even see the hallway in front of me as I pounded it under my feet. I was terrified. I just wanted to get as far away from that man as possible.
I stumbled awkwardly to a stop as I neared the start of the staircase, if I wasn't dead my heart would've been beating so loudly I could've probably heard the sound bouncing off the walls. Thankfully I stopped short enough to avoid falling directly on top of Finas, who seemed to have this knack for standing directly in my path. His habitually solemn face was the closest I've ever seen it to concerned, no, it actually wasconcerned.
"Where is Casimiro?"
Where is..?
I blinked in utter helplessness for a moment, my brain refusing to put together logical sentences. For a strange moment we simply stared at each other. However, soon we both were distracted by the loud BANG!from far away which shook the cheap paintings on the hallway's walls. Finas's head jerked suddenly as if in reaction to an automobile collision.
"A gun." The words tumbled out of my mouth like water out of the lungs of a half drowned person. "Another gun...he had another..."?
BANG! BANG!Finas's hefty palm crushed me down easily as two more shots rang out, so close I could feel the air as they passed. I could see Abner's mechanical form appearing from the end of the hallway, those burning blue goggles getting brighter and brighter like a swiftly approaching semi truck as he neared.
Finas stiffened and I stared at him for a second wondering if he was going to try to flee but the brawny vampire didn't move a muscle. The hard lines of his face formed a mask of tranquil fury. There was no possibility of flight there.
In retrospect what I did next seems a lot more embarrassing...but I'm not here to sugarcoat things for you. As you've probably already surmised, I'm no hero. I'm not proud of it, but that's just the way I was built: fragilely. You could say that I was metaphorically made in Taiwan. So again, I ran.
My panicked dive down the staircase, or rather my "no holds barred all out escape attempt" was very short lived. My long spidery legs did a few unsteady jumps, and I almost managed to make it halfway down the staircase, before a swift kick helped me finish the journey.
Except instead of landing gracefully on my feet I landed flat on my face, whimpering incoherently in pain and a puddle of blood. I'm somewhat glad that being a vampire means that you can break your fall with your neck. It's a neat trick once you get the hang of it.
"You're social choices have made things significantly more difficult for me than they had to be, Mr. Achenleck. But, in a way, I am in your debt. Without your help I wouldn't have been able to catch two more of you, much more aggressive specimens to be sure. It's like using bait fish to lure in the big ones, wouldn't you say?"
I could scarcely imagine a man who wouldn't even step outside the house without latex covering at least three fourths of his body fishing, so I guess the simile didn't really clickwith me, but I wasn't going to say much of anything, other than a confused gurgle of blood.
Abner did not seem perturbed by this however. He grabbed me by the ankle and all too easily began to drag me up the staircase, my broken nose screaming in pain as it made friends with each step on the way up.
When he finally hauled me back up into the hallway the first thing I noticed was that I couldn't see Finas anywhere. Where had he gone? Last time he had managed to stop a fight between a werewolf and Casimiro with one word, how had Abner gotten rid of him so quickly?
"Up on your feet Mr. Achenleck," said Abner in that same utterly toneless drawl. I couldn't help but notice that he seemed very irked by the idea of having to touch me even though his gloves were intact. It was made worse by the fact that there were huge tears in his carefully constructed clothes and bleeding slash marks blazing across his face. I could visibly seehow uncomfortable he was...it made me look like a pinnacle of confidence and calm.
I could see more of his face now, long and sober with a Greek nose sort of like mine except more falcon-y. It was regal in a predatory way and it looked like it had been carved out of stone. He made the fucking zombie seem like a bleeding heart. Then again, he also looked like he had been mauled by two large Rottweilers.
"Um no...Fuck you," I managed to slur irately, wiping my jaw with a shaky wrist. I wasn't so much being brave as beginning to be tired of the whole thing. He's going to kill me anyway, why I should I do what he says?
He brought the gun to rest against the side of my head. This one was a hand gun, so it appeared my theory had been correct. I wasn't passing GO, I wasn't collecting a hundred dollars.
"Let me explain in more detail. Get up and start walking or I'll kill you now instead of a few minutes from now."
Well when you put it like that.
I limped back to my freshly destroyed apartment, feeling immediately sick when I noticed not only the ruined upholstery and scratched wallpaper, but the huge pools of dark blood staining the carpet.
Finas and Casimiro were still nowhere to be seen...what had the bastard done,dumpedthem somewhere? No, he wouldn't have had anywhere near enough time.
Abner interrupted my train of thought with another jab from the hand gun. "On your knees, Mr. Achenleck." Don't get too excited you damn sickos, the guy's amysophobe. I spent a lot of time listening to psychobabble as a kid, so I should know a thing or two about neurosis.
If the dress choices didn't clue me in, while he was holding a gun to my head with one hand, his other hand was being used primarily for disinfecting and bandaging his wounds as best he could. Pretty dexterous if you ask me, but very frenzied.
Anyway, I dropped down bonelessly to my thoroughly abused knees, managing another quick glance at the shattered widow while Abner was busy being neurotic. I hoped that Hanna's dumb ass luck had kicked in, and wherever he was, he was still alive. Or sort of alive, I'm still extremely sketchy on the details regarding that.
Where were the fucking cops anyway? We must've made enough noise by now. Oh forget it, whenever Hanna was involved, the entire conceptof law and order seemed to be totally irrelevant. There's probably some bullshit "magic" excuse in there somewhere.
"This should make you a bit more manageable". Fully expecting a bullet to the head, I cringed. I was met with the explosion of pain I expected, except not just in my skull, all over. Death has this way of clearing the slate. It hurts for a moment, but then you kind of lose the conception of hurt. I knew instantly that I wasn't dying, because the pain never went away.
A burning brick red seizure of agony shocked through me, a scream exploding hoarsely from my throat as my skin felt like it was tightening, tighteningto the point where it no longer fit across my bones. The bones themselves must've been splintering but it was happening too fast for me to register each individual spike of pain, and the steady tide didn't ebb. Eventually all pain became the same.
I tried to babble, probably to beg him to stop whatever the hell he was doing to me but I found that my voice wasn't really what it ought to be. It sounded so fucking small, as if even though I was screaming at the top of my lungs it was somehow muffled- no- shrunken. Then, once it was out of me there was nothing left and I could feel the world slipping away.
"Oooghhhh."
When it was over, the first thing I noticed was how incredibly disoriented I was. I felt like I had a combination of jet lag from a forty hour flight and the world's worst hang over. My surroundings were unfamiliar. It still smelled like my apartment but it simply couldn't be...wait a minute, since when did I start noticing how things smell? This freaky vampire stuff...it creeps up on you. Anyway...
It couldn't be my apartment because everything was HUGE. The futon and coffee table that Veser usually thoroughly abused was at least three times the size it should have been, and so was everything else. Even the tiny patch of carpet I was planted upon seemed gargantuan. I didn't have enough time to look around more however, I let out a surprised cry wriggling like a hooked worm as two fingers pinched what registered as the back of my neck and...picked me up. The world began swinging in terrifying quickness, my tiny ...paws flailing. Paws?
I looked down into the seemingly bottomless black hole of a large cloth sack, thinking almost immediately that I did NOT want to go in there, though I was being forced through the opening anyway. My captor gave the whole thing a jerking shake, forcing me down into the enormous folds.
"HEY WHAT ARE YOU- OOF"!
I landed on something warm, kinda furry, about yey big which grunted in pain under me... though the interior of the sack was so small that I had no choice but to just sit there, squinting my tiny beady eyes in an attempt to get a clear view of what the hell was going on.
After a moment or two of stillness I began to struggle blindly and in complete panic, scrabbling my claws at the side of the bag's interior. Judging by the colorful remodeling Adelaide had managed to inflict on my beautiful apartment, I didn't think this would be too much of a problem, but my claws slid over the surface uselessly, as if it were coated in a layer of malleable ice.
Casimiro's voice suddenly growled, raspy in my ear. It sounded like it usually did, except also sort of like it had been run over with an SUV and shaken in a jar full of nails. He sounded awful, and an overpowering smell of blood clung to him.
"You're even dumber than I thought ya were if ya think we haven't already tried that."
"He's never shifted before Casimiro, and being forced this way is quite painful".
"Why can't we get out?" I groaned and began to rant. What the fuck was the useof being a vampire anyway? "Aren't you guys supposed to be cool, why can't we get out a fucking BAG?"
"It's magically enhanced, Conrad" came Finas muffled but calm voice from below. "Please calm down, I'm underneath you two and it's making this somewhat uncomfortable."
"Uncomfortable," Casimiro spat. "Right. And fuck you, Snaggletooth. We're totally cool".
Despite what he had just said, Casimiro also halfheartedly scratched at the bag with just the tips of his right wing's claws, but it was less desperate and more sullen than anything. His left wing seemed to be folded at an unnatural angle, and even in the darkness I could see that it was sleek with blood. So that was where the smell had come from.
"Get the hell off me, checca, you're foot is in my face!" I couldn't see the extent of the damage, but I thought that maybe if he was healthy enough to call me a faggot in Italian, he'd pull through.
I shifted slightly trying to stretch my wings but failing utterly. I felt like someone had tried to take my entire body and compact it into the shape of a lunch box, balanced on two other lunch boxes.
Bats...we were now bats. It made sense now, looking back on it, though because of how disoriented I was after my first change, my first magically forced change, I have to admit I was a bit slow on the uptake. I was utterly silent for a few seconds as the gravity of my current situation began to unfold in my mind like a pair of tiny wings.
In case you were confused, here's a summary of our situation: I'm a bat, Casimiro and Finas are also bats, we're currently stuffed in a cotton sack which may or may not have magical properties and the person holding that sack happens to be a man who professionally kills vampires. How the fuck did I go from buying Oreos and Mountain Dew for Hanna to...this?
"This is incredibly undignified," I heard Finas's dry comment from the bottom, the heaviness of said bat probably contributing to how hard Abner would have to try to hold it with one hand. I could almost hear Finas's thought process, the gears turning in his head, hidden from the view of every person on the face of the earth except possibly... sometimes Casimiro. Then he spoke again in a quieter tone.
"Why did you do that Cas?"
Casimiro, snorted and aimed a well placed kick to my nose with the flat of his hind paw, causing me to grunt and wriggle in pain.
"OW! DAMMIT!"
What did Finas mean by that? 'Why does he kick me in the face every time he meets me' or 'why did he save my life'? I was curious about both.
Casimiro's answer was gruff and somewhat embarrassed. "I thought you'd get pissed if I let him die so quickly. He was too stupid to run away on his own."
Finas shuffled underneath me. "You're an idiot, Cas" he said. There was something surprisingly gentle in his tone.
Even my shock couldn't numb the sudden stab of guilt that hit me harder than the barrel of Abner's gun. What was going to happen to us now, because of me?
Speaking of Abner, a consistent bumping began, which I could only assume indicated the tall man's strides. It made Casimiro consistently hiss in pain as my fluffy body slammed into his, and his slammed into Finas's, who simply grunted in irritation. This inconvenience interrupted any more discourse we might have had, though I had a lot of fucking questions for those two.
Abner was carrying us somewhere, that I was sure of. Either that or he was more of a sadist than he let on.
This seemed to go on for ages, and after I got used to my own high pitched squeaking I started to let out a truly impressive tide of expletives in time with each fucking bump!, because well, when you're a bat in a sack you haven't really got much to lose.
Finally it came to a sudden stop, the sack suddenly jostling and sending us tumbling out of our neatly stacked order. I ended up with a good deal of Finas on top of me, and let me tell you, that is a lot of bat. Not that I'm calling him fator anything, I'm sure it's all purely muscle weight.
"Excuse me, so sorry," he said gruffly, sounding ruffled at best.
Casimiro's grumblings for just a second took on a tone that resembled a whimper, but then he just started cursing again under his breathe. I stiffened suddenly as I heard a sharp ringing vibrate through the air. No, not just ringing, a ring tone, like for a phone.
"One way or another I'm gonna find ya.."
"No fucking way..." Casimiro's voice groaned again, sounding even more pained…emotionallypained. I didn't blame him... Blondie... really?
"I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha"-
It was suddenly cut off as Abner flipped open his phone. Don't ask me how he managed that with a bag full of bats in one hand and a gun in the other. Maybe his stupid ferret grabbed it for him. Well...all things considered that would be a pretty smart ferret, but to say so would be fraternizing with the enemy.
"Abner Van Slyke, Vampire Extermination Services LTD." he said formally in that same dull stacatto. He talked with slightly more music in his voice than a GPS navigation system...barely. "Who may I ask, am I speaking to?"
"This guy is such a t-" Casimiro began to gripe.
"Shhh," Finas snapped "Listen."
Abner was silent for half a second and then responded. "Ah, Magnus... no...not presently. I would but you see I'm in the middle of..."
There was a pause.
"Three." There was something hesitant in his voice, I thought, though it was hard to tell with the way he spoke, but it sounded uncomfortable, like the voice of someone who had just spotted roadkill in their path and were extremely grossed out by the sight of it.
"No...two are classified X..I've been pursuing them for quite some time...the little one is A...No, he still has his wounds."
Three guesses who the 'little one' was. I'll give you a hint- it's not Finas.
"This guy has chased you before?" I whispered, my eyes wide, but Finas brushed me into silence with the tip of his wing. I could see from his eyes that he was trying to absorb every nuance of the conversation.
"... I was planning on dispatching them at home to outrun morning traffic... What?"
Then his voice hardened like quickly freezing ice. "Nocertainly not! Magnus...I understand your interest in creatures of this profile... but it's simply not my way to get involved in that business of yours-"
He clutched the bag harder, and then all three of us made some kind of oofing noise when he probably did the humanitarian thing and just let us drop into a heap.
"I have appointments to keep... specialized procedures. No, I don't care how much you're willing to pay it's simply out of the question."
There was an urgent high pitched squeaking noise that suddenly cut through Abner's sentence. Was that the damn ferret?
"Ah, excuse me; allow me to deliberate with my associate."
There was more chattering from the mustelid, accompanied by a perfectly timed "Hm" or "Really?" in Abner's slow, mind numbingly consistent drawl.
I almost lost my mind listening to that nonsense, and that's from someone who listens to Hanna speak, and occasionally conduct conversations with people like Veser and Worth
"He's fucking mental" whispered Casimiro weakly but with no less venom. I really don't think Casimiro has the right to be criticizing someone's mental stability, but I wasn't about to interrupt.
Finally, thank God, it came to an end. "Interesting points Para, I didn't consider it from that perspective. Bills, after all, must be attended to if one is to further their efforts in the interest of mankind... and ferret food must be paid for, as well." He seemed to return to his phone conversation with a tiny bit more spirit.
"How much did you say again?"
The next agonizing minutes were spent haggling, because apparentlyvampires weren't quite as common as Hanna would've led us to believe (at least not in handy storage containers)... and then the conversation abruptly ended.
"Ah... I'd rather not pay a visit to the grounds... it's not the most sanitary place in the world, Magnus... Very well, but expect an extra fee for delivery... and I simply refuse to leave the car. No... no they've been Capped by my shifting solution, I have them in hand.
"...Yes. Quite. Goodbye".
From what I could only assume was the back seat of Abner's car, the ride was incredibly smooth. However, even though we were no longer being jostled, I still felt like I was on a high speed train beginning to run off of its tracks. At the moment, that was the most suitable metaphor for the turns my life had taken... er... sorry... afterlife.
I'm still getting used to it.
There's an awesome Chapter One Illustration by SuperCatGirl on Deviantart! Go check it out!
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