A/N: What would happen if Harry Potter's Potions class changed into my chemistry class? What happens if I insert a parody of a classmate? And if I insert several random inside jokes? A fic no one will get!!!!!!
Harry Potter sighed as he trudged down to the dungeons. Dumbledore apparently took the maxim "We fear that which we do not know" to heart, and had assigned a week of fully Muggle classes. Right now he had chemistry…with Snape. He had no idea where Ron and Hermione were. She had in fact gone to Bulgaria, but as she had admitted to Harry, she never visited Krum. She wouldn't tell Ron this though, and he was acting like a jealous prat. Come to think of it, he was a jealous prat. He was pondering Ron and Hermione's strange relationship when Ginny bumped into him. Her satchel was filled to bursting with…socks?
"Oh, um, hey, Harry," she muttered. She seemed edgy and kept shooting nervous glances behind her.
"Ginny!" Harry heard someone shout. "Ginny, have you taken my socks again?" shouted the voice, whom Harry realized was Ron. "Ginny, give me back my socks!" Ron came sprinting around the corner holding his shoes in one hand, his satchel in the other, and barefoot.
"ByeHarrygottago!" squeaked Ginny, and promptly ran off. Harry stood there, stunned. Ginny had a sock fetish? Quickly snapping back to reality, he realized that Ron would need socks for Potions…er, Chemistry.
'Sorry, Ginny' he thought, and yelled "Accio Ron's socks!" He ducked as a whole armload of socks flew towards him. Unfortunately they hit Ron in the face instead.
"Thanks, mate," he sighed, "but how am I going to get them back to the dorm?"
"Tuhhh!" Hermione walked around the corner. "Like, omigod, Ron! Just like, banish them!" Hermione twirled some of her purple streaked hair and tapped her high-heeled glittery pink shoes. Ron and Harry still weren't used to the change that had taken place in Hermione over the summer. She was still smart…she just acted a little ditzy.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Ron muttered, taking out his wand to perform the spell. He got distracted by Hermione's short skirt as she sashayed towards Snape's classroom. Harry slapped him upside the head.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Ron!"
"I wasn't thinking about that!" he protested feebly. Harry just rolled his eyes. Ron banished his socks except for a pair, put them on and they walked to Chemistry class.
When they got there, Ron immediately took the empty seat next to Hermione. Harry had a choice between Millicent Bulstrode and Maynard Débété, the French exchange student (whom Harry was not in love with). He sat down next to Maynard and nodded to him.
"What up, G?" Harry gave him a strange look. "How are things hanging on the G-side?"
Harry ignored him. He turned around and saw Ron giving Hermione puppy eyes.
"Hermione, you're so cute…just like a bunny."
"I like bunnies!" Harry said, perking up in his seat. He blinked. Where did that come from? He looked at the desk behind him. Pansy Parkinson, sitting next to Draco, gave him what she thought must be a come-hither look. Harry blanched. What was she wearing underneath her robes? Something really low cut. Draco was doing his best to avert his eyes, although it wasn't easy since Pansy seemed to be dropping her pencil an inordinate number of times and picking it up very slowly.
Pansy looked at Harry. "You like bunnies, huh? Well, I like ANGST!"
Harry giggled maniacally. "I like bunnies in leather pants!"
Now it was Pansy's turn to look a little scared. Just then Snape stalked into the room, wearing his usual black robes, but now he had a pair of goggles strapped around his head, causing his greasy black hair to stick up in several places. He rapped his wand on his table several times, yelling "Order, order!" The class looked up. Snape cleared his throat.
"Today, since our esteemed headmaster has ordered Muggle classes, we will be performing a chemistry experiment. Since none of you have chemistry experience and you are all bumbling fools, we will be conducting a very simple experiment. Don't mess it up, although I suppose you will. I have put out beakers labeled A and B filled with liquid. I have already measured two substances C and D. You will mix C into A, and D into B. Then you will mix the two solutions together and record what happens. Understand, you sniveling little brats?"
The class nodded. It sounded really simple. Even Neville couldn't mess this one up. However, Maynard raised his hand.
"Okay, so you put these two things into a …beaker? Yeah, a beaker. So if you put this beaker on the roof of your house, and lightning struck it, would you be able to power your house?"
Snape just stared at him.
"Right, right, so could you do that?"
"No,", he barked, "you could not. You're wrong. Now shut up."
"But—"
"Shut up, I say!" Snape glowered at Maynard who seemed unaffected by his murderous stare. Suddenly, a quasi-evil smirk lit up Snape's face and he turned towards Harry, leering. Harry gulped. This was not good.
"Potter…since you have chosen to sit next to our exchange student, why don't you be his lab partner?" Harry suppressed the urge to hex either Snape or Maynard on the spot and settled for a meek 'Yes, Professor.'
"Good!" Snape barked, "Pair up with whoever you're sitting next to. Now get started!" Snape yanked the dirty goggles down over his eyes and stalked off, muttering about 'incompetent French fools' (A/N: No offense to the French here, I'm really sorry that Maynard is from France. Because I love France, I really do. [blows kisses in the general direction of Paris] )
Harry sighed and walked over to a lab bench. He turned and looked at Maynard. "Well, hurry up already!"
"Chill, homey. Chill. M-dog's got it all tied up." Maynard stood up and gathering up his ridiculously baggy pants walked bow-legged to the lab table. "So, like, what's the 411 on this lab?"
Harry sighed and began to explain. "Alright, you mix C into A and D into B. Then you stir each one and mix them together and stir again. Simple as pie, right?"
Maynard stared at him.
Harry closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened them, Maynard still had the same vacuous look on his face. "Okay, I'll mix and you stir. Okay? Can you stir?"
Maynard blinked. "Ohhh, stirring. Like moving a thingy like in a circle?"
"Exactly." Harry said.
"Totally tubular." Maynard said, attempting to give him some sort of sign. He looked hurt when Harry didn't recognize it. "Philly, bro! Gangsta all the way!"
"Err, aren't you from France?"
Maynard laughed and slapped him on the back. "That's right, France. I live in Paris !" He said, spitting all over Harry in his attempt to roll the 'r'.
Harry wiped his face off and mixed the appropriate solutions. He then handed Maynard the stirring rod. "Okay, time to stir. Stir these two, right."
"How am I supposed to stir both with only one rod?"
"Er, just do one at a time…"
Maynard stirred the first beaker once and smiled up at Harry. "See, I can do it! Easy!"
Harry blinked. "You have to do it more than once." Maynard's face fell and he stirred it once more. "No, keep stirring it. For a while. Say, a minute. Then do it to the other one."
Maynard having been given clear instructions, Harry turned around and began to watch what was going on. Most pairs were on the last step of the lab, not having stupid people for partners. Except for Draco and Pansy. Draco was valiantly trying to stir the combined solutions, but Pansy kept on throwing herself across his lap shrieking, "Destroy me, Draco! Destroy me now!" Harry soon averted his eyes as it seemed that Pansy's enthusiastic flinging would soon to cause her…bits to be exposed. Looking over at Ron and Hermione, Harry almost gagged.
They were practically snogging on the lab bench. Guess that explained all the tension lately. Draco noticed his expression, "What's the matter, Potty? Not getting any from your Mudblood strumpet?" he asked, smirking snarkily (or snarking smirkily, whatever you prefer).
"Shut up, Malfoy!" Harry snarled.
"I'm done!" Maynard announced cheerfully.
"Great," said Harry, "I'll do all of the next part, right." Harry mixed the solutions together and it turned green with something blue falling out. He quickly scribbled it down sighing with relief. He was done. He played with glass stirring rod while Maynard attempted to tell Dean and Seamus about how things were in the ghetto section of Paris. As Harry's eyes drifted over the class, his thoughts were interrupted by Ron's sudden yelling.
"Oy, Harry! I think I've found the cure for cancer, AIDS, and the common cold!"
Harry sighed. "I don't think so, mate. I mean, how can it be?"
Ron's face fell. "I guess you're right. So much for international fame and fortune…" He took the beaker and poured it down the sink. "So much for that."
"It's okay, Ronniekins,", Hermione cooed, "I still think you're a big handsome hunk of flesh."
"Smashing!" said Ron, and they promptly resumed their snogging.
Harry looked over at Draco. He had managed to get the lab finished since Pansy was now trying to seduce Neville, the poor thing. Neville looked immensely confused and was politely offering her his cloak to cover up her chest. Harry looked at Draco more carefully. He was weighing the beaker to amuse himself. Wait a minute. Something wasn't quite right. When he wrote down the mass…GASP! He wasn't using significant figures! It figures the smarmy git would try something like that! And right in the middle of Potio…Chemistry Class! Thinking, Harry realized that he had to act fast. He pulled out his wand.
"Stop right there, Malfoy. I won't let you get away with this heinous act of not using significant figures!" he yelled, pointing his wand at Draco.
The entire class gasped in unison.
Draco smiled, but it was an evil dangerous smile. His wicked intent sketched across his fine aristocratic features, he reached for his….oh wait, sorry! Wrong story!
WE WILL NOW RESUME OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION.
…he reached for his wand.
"Sig fig this, Potter!"
(A/N: And that is the line upon which this entire story is based. Yup.)
He fired a curse at Harry, who rolled underneath the lab table. Unfortunately (or not), it hit Maynard, who then began singing Copacabana at the top of his lungs. Harry's hex hit Pansy, or rather her boobs. To his surprise, there were two large pops and Pansy's chest began to rapidly deflate.
"Oh no!" Pansy wailed, "My breast augmentation charms!"
Her name was Lola
She was a showgirl
Draco's next curse, Jelly Legs, hit Ron, who promptly collapsed to the ground. Hermione, incensed, turned towards Draco.
"No he didn't, no he didn't!" she said, snapping her fingers in front of her face. "I'll teach you to hurt my man, ho!"
With yellow feathers in her hair
And a dress cut down to there
Draco, now dodging a barrage of curses from Harry, Hermione, Dean and Seamus, took refuge behind the fume hood. Neville was cowering underneath a table with…Pansy, and Lavender, Parvati and the rest of the Slytherins were nowhere to be seen.
She would meringue
And do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star
Tony'd always tend the bar
"Give up, Malfoy. Your slimy friends have abandoned you!" Harry shouted triumphantly.
"Neveeeeeeeeeer!" Draco said, laughing maniacally. Harry blinked. Had Draco been sniffing the chemicals?
Across the crowded floor
They worked from eight till four
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?
They continued firing curses at each other. Due to their shoddy marksmanship, none of the curses hit each other. Then Snape burst in.
"WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THING YOU ARE DOING?!?!" he roared, foaming at the mouth. "Benty doinks…", he paused, wiping the froth from his mouth. "Twenty points from Slytherin."
Harry paused. Had he heard him right? From Slytherin?
"But…but…but…" Draco sputtered.
"Another twenty points, Draco Malfoy, for your insubordination."
Draco shut his mouth.
At the Copa (Co!)
Copacabana!
The hottest spot north of Hav—
"Finite incantatem. Good Merlin. Did he learn to sing from an alley cat?" Maynard fell unconscious to the floor. Snape sniffed the air. "Gracious, it smells in here. You're free for the rest of the period." Everyone cheered, and with that, trooped outside and proceeded to do a chorus line, much to the amusement of the giant squid.
Harry Potter sighed as he trudged down to the dungeons. Dumbledore apparently took the maxim "We fear that which we do not know" to heart, and had assigned a week of fully Muggle classes. Right now he had chemistry…with Snape. He had no idea where Ron and Hermione were. She had in fact gone to Bulgaria, but as she had admitted to Harry, she never visited Krum. She wouldn't tell Ron this though, and he was acting like a jealous prat. Come to think of it, he was a jealous prat. He was pondering Ron and Hermione's strange relationship when Ginny bumped into him. Her satchel was filled to bursting with…socks?
"Oh, um, hey, Harry," she muttered. She seemed edgy and kept shooting nervous glances behind her.
"Ginny!" Harry heard someone shout. "Ginny, have you taken my socks again?" shouted the voice, whom Harry realized was Ron. "Ginny, give me back my socks!" Ron came sprinting around the corner holding his shoes in one hand, his satchel in the other, and barefoot.
"ByeHarrygottago!" squeaked Ginny, and promptly ran off. Harry stood there, stunned. Ginny had a sock fetish? Quickly snapping back to reality, he realized that Ron would need socks for Potions…er, Chemistry.
'Sorry, Ginny' he thought, and yelled "Accio Ron's socks!" He ducked as a whole armload of socks flew towards him. Unfortunately they hit Ron in the face instead.
"Thanks, mate," he sighed, "but how am I going to get them back to the dorm?"
"Tuhhh!" Hermione walked around the corner. "Like, omigod, Ron! Just like, banish them!" Hermione twirled some of her purple streaked hair and tapped her high-heeled glittery pink shoes. Ron and Harry still weren't used to the change that had taken place in Hermione over the summer. She was still smart…she just acted a little ditzy.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Ron muttered, taking out his wand to perform the spell. He got distracted by Hermione's short skirt as she sashayed towards Snape's classroom. Harry slapped him upside the head.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Ron!"
"I wasn't thinking about that!" he protested feebly. Harry just rolled his eyes. Ron banished his socks except for a pair, put them on and they walked to Chemistry class.
When they got there, Ron immediately took the empty seat next to Hermione. Harry had a choice between Millicent Bulstrode and Maynard Débété, the French exchange student (whom Harry was not in love with). He sat down next to Maynard and nodded to him.
"What up, G?" Harry gave him a strange look. "How are things hanging on the G-side?"
Harry ignored him. He turned around and saw Ron giving Hermione puppy eyes.
"Hermione, you're so cute…just like a bunny."
"I like bunnies!" Harry said, perking up in his seat. He blinked. Where did that come from? He looked at the desk behind him. Pansy Parkinson, sitting next to Draco, gave him what she thought must be a come-hither look. Harry blanched. What was she wearing underneath her robes? Something really low cut. Draco was doing his best to avert his eyes, although it wasn't easy since Pansy seemed to be dropping her pencil an inordinate number of times and picking it up very slowly.
Pansy looked at Harry. "You like bunnies, huh? Well, I like ANGST!"
Harry giggled maniacally. "I like bunnies in leather pants!"
Now it was Pansy's turn to look a little scared. Just then Snape stalked into the room, wearing his usual black robes, but now he had a pair of goggles strapped around his head, causing his greasy black hair to stick up in several places. He rapped his wand on his table several times, yelling "Order, order!" The class looked up. Snape cleared his throat.
"Today, since our esteemed headmaster has ordered Muggle classes, we will be performing a chemistry experiment. Since none of you have chemistry experience and you are all bumbling fools, we will be conducting a very simple experiment. Don't mess it up, although I suppose you will. I have put out beakers labeled A and B filled with liquid. I have already measured two substances C and D. You will mix C into A, and D into B. Then you will mix the two solutions together and record what happens. Understand, you sniveling little brats?"
The class nodded. It sounded really simple. Even Neville couldn't mess this one up. However, Maynard raised his hand.
"Okay, so you put these two things into a …beaker? Yeah, a beaker. So if you put this beaker on the roof of your house, and lightning struck it, would you be able to power your house?"
Snape just stared at him.
"Right, right, so could you do that?"
"No,", he barked, "you could not. You're wrong. Now shut up."
"But—"
"Shut up, I say!" Snape glowered at Maynard who seemed unaffected by his murderous stare. Suddenly, a quasi-evil smirk lit up Snape's face and he turned towards Harry, leering. Harry gulped. This was not good.
"Potter…since you have chosen to sit next to our exchange student, why don't you be his lab partner?" Harry suppressed the urge to hex either Snape or Maynard on the spot and settled for a meek 'Yes, Professor.'
"Good!" Snape barked, "Pair up with whoever you're sitting next to. Now get started!" Snape yanked the dirty goggles down over his eyes and stalked off, muttering about 'incompetent French fools' (A/N: No offense to the French here, I'm really sorry that Maynard is from France. Because I love France, I really do. [blows kisses in the general direction of Paris] )
Harry sighed and walked over to a lab bench. He turned and looked at Maynard. "Well, hurry up already!"
"Chill, homey. Chill. M-dog's got it all tied up." Maynard stood up and gathering up his ridiculously baggy pants walked bow-legged to the lab table. "So, like, what's the 411 on this lab?"
Harry sighed and began to explain. "Alright, you mix C into A and D into B. Then you stir each one and mix them together and stir again. Simple as pie, right?"
Maynard stared at him.
Harry closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened them, Maynard still had the same vacuous look on his face. "Okay, I'll mix and you stir. Okay? Can you stir?"
Maynard blinked. "Ohhh, stirring. Like moving a thingy like in a circle?"
"Exactly." Harry said.
"Totally tubular." Maynard said, attempting to give him some sort of sign. He looked hurt when Harry didn't recognize it. "Philly, bro! Gangsta all the way!"
"Err, aren't you from France?"
Maynard laughed and slapped him on the back. "That's right, France. I live in Paris !" He said, spitting all over Harry in his attempt to roll the 'r'.
Harry wiped his face off and mixed the appropriate solutions. He then handed Maynard the stirring rod. "Okay, time to stir. Stir these two, right."
"How am I supposed to stir both with only one rod?"
"Er, just do one at a time…"
Maynard stirred the first beaker once and smiled up at Harry. "See, I can do it! Easy!"
Harry blinked. "You have to do it more than once." Maynard's face fell and he stirred it once more. "No, keep stirring it. For a while. Say, a minute. Then do it to the other one."
Maynard having been given clear instructions, Harry turned around and began to watch what was going on. Most pairs were on the last step of the lab, not having stupid people for partners. Except for Draco and Pansy. Draco was valiantly trying to stir the combined solutions, but Pansy kept on throwing herself across his lap shrieking, "Destroy me, Draco! Destroy me now!" Harry soon averted his eyes as it seemed that Pansy's enthusiastic flinging would soon to cause her…bits to be exposed. Looking over at Ron and Hermione, Harry almost gagged.
They were practically snogging on the lab bench. Guess that explained all the tension lately. Draco noticed his expression, "What's the matter, Potty? Not getting any from your Mudblood strumpet?" he asked, smirking snarkily (or snarking smirkily, whatever you prefer).
"Shut up, Malfoy!" Harry snarled.
"I'm done!" Maynard announced cheerfully.
"Great," said Harry, "I'll do all of the next part, right." Harry mixed the solutions together and it turned green with something blue falling out. He quickly scribbled it down sighing with relief. He was done. He played with glass stirring rod while Maynard attempted to tell Dean and Seamus about how things were in the ghetto section of Paris. As Harry's eyes drifted over the class, his thoughts were interrupted by Ron's sudden yelling.
"Oy, Harry! I think I've found the cure for cancer, AIDS, and the common cold!"
Harry sighed. "I don't think so, mate. I mean, how can it be?"
Ron's face fell. "I guess you're right. So much for international fame and fortune…" He took the beaker and poured it down the sink. "So much for that."
"It's okay, Ronniekins,", Hermione cooed, "I still think you're a big handsome hunk of flesh."
"Smashing!" said Ron, and they promptly resumed their snogging.
Harry looked over at Draco. He had managed to get the lab finished since Pansy was now trying to seduce Neville, the poor thing. Neville looked immensely confused and was politely offering her his cloak to cover up her chest. Harry looked at Draco more carefully. He was weighing the beaker to amuse himself. Wait a minute. Something wasn't quite right. When he wrote down the mass…GASP! He wasn't using significant figures! It figures the smarmy git would try something like that! And right in the middle of Potio…Chemistry Class! Thinking, Harry realized that he had to act fast. He pulled out his wand.
"Stop right there, Malfoy. I won't let you get away with this heinous act of not using significant figures!" he yelled, pointing his wand at Draco.
The entire class gasped in unison.
Draco smiled, but it was an evil dangerous smile. His wicked intent sketched across his fine aristocratic features, he reached for his….oh wait, sorry! Wrong story!
WE WILL NOW RESUME OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION.
…he reached for his wand.
"Sig fig this, Potter!"
(A/N: And that is the line upon which this entire story is based. Yup.)
He fired a curse at Harry, who rolled underneath the lab table. Unfortunately (or not), it hit Maynard, who then began singing Copacabana at the top of his lungs. Harry's hex hit Pansy, or rather her boobs. To his surprise, there were two large pops and Pansy's chest began to rapidly deflate.
"Oh no!" Pansy wailed, "My breast augmentation charms!"
Her name was Lola
She was a showgirl
Draco's next curse, Jelly Legs, hit Ron, who promptly collapsed to the ground. Hermione, incensed, turned towards Draco.
"No he didn't, no he didn't!" she said, snapping her fingers in front of her face. "I'll teach you to hurt my man, ho!"
With yellow feathers in her hair
And a dress cut down to there
Draco, now dodging a barrage of curses from Harry, Hermione, Dean and Seamus, took refuge behind the fume hood. Neville was cowering underneath a table with…Pansy, and Lavender, Parvati and the rest of the Slytherins were nowhere to be seen.
She would meringue
And do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star
Tony'd always tend the bar
"Give up, Malfoy. Your slimy friends have abandoned you!" Harry shouted triumphantly.
"Neveeeeeeeeeer!" Draco said, laughing maniacally. Harry blinked. Had Draco been sniffing the chemicals?
Across the crowded floor
They worked from eight till four
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?
They continued firing curses at each other. Due to their shoddy marksmanship, none of the curses hit each other. Then Snape burst in.
"WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THING YOU ARE DOING?!?!" he roared, foaming at the mouth. "Benty doinks…", he paused, wiping the froth from his mouth. "Twenty points from Slytherin."
Harry paused. Had he heard him right? From Slytherin?
"But…but…but…" Draco sputtered.
"Another twenty points, Draco Malfoy, for your insubordination."
Draco shut his mouth.
At the Copa (Co!)
Copacabana!
The hottest spot north of Hav—
"Finite incantatem. Good Merlin. Did he learn to sing from an alley cat?" Maynard fell unconscious to the floor. Snape sniffed the air. "Gracious, it smells in here. You're free for the rest of the period." Everyone cheered, and with that, trooped outside and proceeded to do a chorus line, much to the amusement of the giant squid.