Author's Note: So this isn't late holiday fc, or tween santa fic. Although it should be. This is "I couldn't write anything else until I got this out of my head," fic. It had to be done. I've been on such a five things kick lately. Just a note- I happen to really like all these clichés most of the time(Really, where would this fandom be with out the boys in small spaces troubled rock star Drake? They're staples for a reason), they just fit my theme really well. At least I'm pretending they did anyway.
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Five clichéd sitcom ways Drake and Josh never fell for each other:
The "Breakfast Club" thing.
They haven't spoken for a day on the morning Josh throws a pillow at Drake's head to wake him up for their Saturday detention. Detention. He doesn't remember exactly how it happened, mostly because he'd been asleep, but he knows it was all Drake's fault, and now he's missing a Saturday that should be spent studying for finals. Drake won't even tell him what happened, although he had muttered something about how he was pretty sure it was Josh's fault too. How something could have been Josh's fault when he was sleeping he's really not sure, but fighting with Drake about it would require speaking to Drake, which he's not doing.
They drive to school in silence, and sit on opposite ends of the room, which makes the other three occupants of the library raise their eyebrows, and the two girls to start whispering. Josh ignores them. He sits down in his seat, glancing around the library. He wants to make a joke about this being the first time Drake's ever been in this room, but he can't, and that makes him sink further into his seat. This whole not speaking to Drake thing is really hard.
The Principal comes in and rambles something Josh doesn't listen to, because he's busy staring at the side of Drake's head, and then he's alone with Drake and three people he barely knows for the next six hours. Kill him now.
The girls giggle for the next few hours, and the other guy, Scott, just glares around the room. Drake has a notepad out, and Josh assumes he's writing lyrics. He wishes he could see them. Josh is trying to work on an essay, wishing he was home with his laptop. It's all ridiculously boring until one of the girls (Jessica, it turns out) starts to talk the room at large, asking questions putting people on the spot. She's pushy and demanding and way too interested in why Drake and Josh aren't speaking.
She goes on and on about how they're always together, and she didn't think they ever really fought, and they should tell her what was going on, and how she wonders if it has anything to do with why they're detention, and it's all a little much. Josh squeezes his pencil so hard it breaks, and when Scott laughs and says he'd heard that was exactly why they were in detention, it all gets a little worse. Drake shoots him a glare Josh didn't know Drake was capable of, but Scott just keeps laughing.
"I heard," he drawls, clearly enjoying himself, "that Parker over there, hit some guy for making jokes about the two of them." Drake's face grows red, and Josh blinks, feeling like he's missing something important here.
"Jokes?" The other girl (Gretchen) asks.
"Well yeah, when you fall asleep on another dude in the middle of study hall, all cuddly and shit, people are going to talk," Scott says. The girls giggle again, and then they're nodding like that story makes perfect sense to them, and Drake is actually shaking with anger, and Josh feels like he got by a truck.
"You hit someone?" Josh asks Drake. Drake looks at him, still red faced, and smirks for about half a second, a 'thought you weren't talking to me,' jab overruled by how big this all is.
"He deserved it," Drake says. Josh swallows.
"Can I speak to you in private?" He asks. The girls giggle again, and Scott says something Josh pretends not to hear. Drake nods and stands up, motioning for Josh to follow him. The other three start talking as soon as Drake and Josh leave, but Josh doesn't really care. Drake leads them to a secluded corner, and Josh rolls his eyes, because Drake would know the most secluded places in every part of the school.
"So," Drake says when he stops, looking uncomfortable.
"You really hit someone?" Josh repeats. Drake flushes again.
"I told you, he deserved it."
"And you didn't tell me?" Josh asks.
"Dude, you were asleep, and the things he said- whatever. He was a jerk, about you and us and it was pissing me off. So I hit him," Drake says, and it doesn't make any sense at all, but Josh doesn't really care, because the way Drake had said, 'us,' makes his heart stick in his throat.
"What did he say?" Josh asks. Drake just looks at him, then rearranges his hair the way he does when he's nervous. "Were we really… snuggling?" Josh tries. Drake coughs.
"Not anymore than we would if we were at home. Only we weren't at home," he says. Josh nods.
"So what did he say?" He asks.
"It doesn't matter," Drake says.
"I want to know."
"No, you really don't. Trust me,"
"Just tell me," Josh pushes. Drake sighs.
"It was just- it was lame, Josh, seriously. He just said we were, you know, and then a bunch of crap about that being all gross and stuff, and it was- whatever." Drake says, rambling a little, which is usually Josh's territory. Josh swallows, stomach dropping a little even though that's pretty much what he'd thought.
"Oh," he said.
"Yeah," Drake said, looking at his feet.
"So how come he's not in detention too if he started it? I was asleep and I'm here," Josh says. Drake blushes again.
"Because Mrs. Hayfer saw me hit him?" Drake suggests. Josh sighs. Yeah. That makes sense then.
"Oh," he says again. Drake smirks a little.
"She said she 'can't ignore the bad influence on your life I am any longer,'" Drake says, putting air quotes around Mrs. Hayfer's words.
"And putting us in detention together keeps you away from me?"
"Well it did make you mad at me," Drake points out. Josh frowns,
"Only because you wouldn't just tell me what happened," he says.
"I didn't want it to be weird,"
"Didn't want to be weird?" Josh questions.
"Us," Drake says again, the same way he'd said it earlier, and Josh's heart leaps and he leans forwards and kisses Drake before he has the chance to think about it. Drake kisses him back instantly, pushing him against the study table and threading his hands in his hair. Sometime later he's going to have to figure out exactly who this guy was and then possibly reprimand Drake for resorting to violence, but for now, he's content to slide his hands up Drake's shirt and kiss him until the rest of the library disappears.
The Gift of the Magi thing
The first Christmas he lives on his own, Drake is ridiculously poor. He's still recording his first real album for Spin City, and living off the few dollars he gets from gigs here and there. There are bills everywhere he looks, and if he pouts his mom will float him some money, always, but he kind of hate that. He wishes he didn't have to, and when Christmas rolls around, he really doesn't want to cheat on that one. He wants to do it right, possibly just because the last one was so awesome, despite the fact that he and Josh had almost gone to jail.
So he stares around his apartment aimlessly, trying to figure something out, and when his eyes land on his spare guitars, a thought occurs to him. A bad thought that he tries to dismiss as soon as it comes up, because it's ridiculous. Just totally ridiculous. He can't sell his guitars. It doesn't matter that he has four, two of which he hasn't played since he was seventeen. He loves them. He can't get rid of them. It's crazy talk and he tries to forget he ever thought it, but the guitars keeps staring at him and humming, seriously humming Josh's name and eventually he gives and posts an add on E-bay that makes him tear up a little.
He makes Megan come ship them out, because he can't bear to do it himself. She mocks him the whole time, but it's worth it not to have to watch them go into boxes and off to other people. It's a little easier to bear when the money for them lands in his bank account and he can afford to shop. He gets everyone but Josh done first, and then spends hours in his local computer shop, trying to figure out the perfect thing for Josh. Eventually, he lets the sales guy talk him into an expensive laptop case (with Josh's initials on it and everything) and some other accessories for the laptop Josh had bought himself over the summer and raved about everyday since. It takes a huge chuck out of Drake's money, but he figures it's worth it, even if there are guitar shaped holes in his apartment now.
On Christmas, the part they convince the family to let them spend alone, Drake is practically bouncing he's so excited for Josh to open his gift. He makes Josh go first, and when Josh's face falls a little, Drake's heart drops.
"What's up?" He asks nervously, "Don't you like them? The geek at the store said that-" Drake starts, but Josh interrupts him.
"No, Drake, it's all awesome. Really. Thank you. Open yours!" He says, smiling. Drake doesn't quite believe him, but the packages with his name on them are big and shiny, and he figures he has all day to figure out what's bugging Josh. He pulls the paper off the presents slowly, heart sinking again at the four, gorgeous, matching guitar cases (with Drake's initials on them and everything) and stands, and Drake isn't sure how to react.
"What's wrong? Do you hate them?" Josh asks, looking worried.
"No, I can just only use half of them," Drake says, frowning.
"What?" Josh asks.
"I sold two of my guitars," Drake says, then looks down, wishing he hadn't brought it up.
"You sold two guitars?" Josh repeats, eyes widening, and "For Christmas money?"
"Yeah. Kinda," Drake says, and Josh laughs, which doesn't seem like the right reaction at all, so Drake glares at him. Josh keeps laughing and scoots closer to him on the couch.
"I sold my laptop," He says.
"You what?"
"My new laptop. I sold it. I have that old desktop I can use, so I didn't really need it, and it was Christmas…" Josh trails off, grinning sheepishly. Drake blinks, trying to make sense of this all.
"So, I sold my guitars, and you sold your laptop, and then we used the money, to buy each other things for the things we don't have anymore?" Drake asks.
"Yeah. That's pretty much it," Josh confirms.
"We suck," Drake says, sighing.
"I think it's kind of… sweet," Josh says, and Drake glares at him again.
"How?" He asks.
"Because we tried?" Josh suggests, making his 'hopeful' face, the one Drake always has to smile at, and yeah. He supposes Josh has a point, sort of. He can see how it's all sort of...poetic. He could write a song about it.
"I guess," He says, trying out lyrics in his head as he says it. Josh grins.
"You're the best," he says, making Drake grin too.
"Yeah, I know," he says. Josh laughs, and then reaches out and grabs Drake behind the neck, pulling him in and kissing him. There's a second when Drake is totally confused, but it's followed instantly by an overwhelming feeling of right, and good, and just, iyes/i so he kisses back, shifting towards Josh on the couch. They kiss for a long time, slow kisses that make Drake pretty sure he and Josh are actually melding into one person. After they break apart, Josh grins again, brighter this time, reaching all the way to his eyes. Drake's pretty sure he looks the same way.
"It is sweet," he says, after a moment, his forehead touching Josh's, "in a sucks to be us sort of way." Josh smiles again, kissing Drake softly.
"Yeah," he agrees, "but this makes up for it." Drake smirks.
"It's a start," he says, kissing Josh again, fiercer this time and pushing him up against the couch. Under him, Josh makes a sound that sounds kind of like, "good call," and Drake grins and keeps kissing.
The "Very Special Episode," Thing
Drake is fine. He's prefect. Really. Totally ok. Just because Josh left does not mean he can't handle things. Really. He's ok. He's just a little lonely. Sometimes. But he's writing great songs, songs about loneliness and people leaving you, but whatever. They're some of the best songs he's ever written and he doesn't care that Josh isn't around to hear them. He doesn't. It doesn't matter. Josh will hear them later, months or years from now or whenever he gets back from his whole 'grad school far away' thing, and that's fine, totally fine. It's all fine and Drake's fine, really, and if he's been going out a little more than before, and if he's been accepting all the drinks and substances and the bodies that are being thrown at him? That's fine too. Whatever. He can handle it.
None if it actually helps but that's only because nothing is wrong. Not really. There's just this ache in his chest that grows larger every fucking day, but whatever. It's not like he needs Josh around. Not like he can't do this, any of it, without Josh. That's crazy. He's just having some fun. It doesn't mean anything, not any of it. Not the fact that's stopped remembering faces and names all together, or the fact that's started to keep more alcohol than food in his fridge, or the fact that's started going out on weeknights too- it's all just because he's having fun, and not because being at home alone makes him want to throw things and jump out things. Not at all. Because he's fine.
And really, so what if sometimes when he wakes up, head all fuzzy from whatever the hell he'd done the night before, all can think is that Josh would be so, so disappointed in him. If all he can see is the hurt and disapproval in Josh's eyes and if it makes him dive for something, anything to make him forget it as fast as possible, because it hurts worse than any hangover imaginable. Whatever. He's still doing good. He's fine, and if he's blown off a couple meetings and if everything he's written has been total crap lately, well whatever. Everyone has bad weeks, right? It's not because all he can think about anymore is how much he misses Josh, how much all he wants in the world is for Josh to come and fix the mess he knows he's making, but how he knows Josh can't, and how the idea of it all just makes him want to throw up. It's just because, hey, he's a rock star, right? A little partying never hurt anyone.
So, if his phone has been ringing, missed call after missed call, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Megan, Josh, Josh, Josh… and he hasn't listened to the messages at all, it's because he's busy. Being a rock star. Not because he's afraid he'll totally break down the second he hears Josh's voice and beg him to ruin his life just to save Drake's. That's ridiculous, because Drake's life is fine, and he can totally handle it. He's just having a rough patch right now, happens to everyone. He'll be ok, he's even written some totally crap songs, and the label doesn't seem to care that they're total crap. They just seem happy he's writing again, so it's fine. It'll be ok, because hey, no one but Josh ever cared if his songs were actually any good anyway, and Josh isn't here, and Drake's ok with that. Really.
And if early one morning when Drake's head is pounding and there is some random naked girl laying next to him and his hands are actually tingling, Josh shows up. That's ok. It's not going to change anything. Not when Josh drags him out of bed, looking scared and rambling something about Megan mentioning he'd looked like hell last time she'd seen him, and did Josh know what was up? And not when he rambles that he didn't know what was up because Drake had stopped returning his phone calls and what was going on with him? It doesn't matter, because Drake is fine, he does not look like hell. Megan is just being Megan, and he's been busy, that's all, and it's fine. It's all fine until Josh just gulps and pulls him into this long hug and breathes out,
"Drake, what are you doing?" and that's it. Drake is clinging to him, and saying all the stupid, stupid things about how he's missed Josh and how he needs him and how can't even do this rock star thing without Josh and what's up with that and God he wishes Josh would just come home and fix it all, and he's sorry. Josh just lets him talk, holding him the whole time, and then they're sitting down and Drake is talking slower and telling Josh everything, and Josh is actually apologizing for leaving and looking guilty, and that's ridiculous because Drake should be able to take care of himself, he doesn't know why he couldn't. Then they're setting him with appointments and Josh is talking to the label and moving into Drake's apartment even as Drake mutters weak protests about graduate school and Josh's life.
Eventually, things settle and Drake is actually ok again. At least sort of ok. When he's not feeling guilty and stupid and hopeless and a hundred other things. He tries to send Josh back, but it's no good. Josh is too stubborn, and says he's not going anywhere. So their lives fuse again, and it's so good that it makes Drake feel even worse. Then Josh turns to him one night and confesses he hadn't been doing so good himself, and when Drake tries to protest and say Josh hadn't handled it all nearly as badly as he had, Josh just shakes his head and whispers something about circumstances and will power and how Drake could have been so, so much worse. Drake's not sure he really understands that, but then Josh is kissing him softly and it doesn't really matter, because it somehow actually does make everything ok. Kissing Josh makes him feel better faster than anything else he'd tried in all those months, and he wonders why he didn't think of it earlier. He kisses back, pouring apologies and need into the kiss, and for the first time in awhile, he really is fine. He's perfect. Really.
The trapped in a small spaces, thing.
"I think we should start counting," Drake says, hitting his head against the wall behind him.
"Counting what?" Josh asks, sounding just as frustrated as Drake feels.
"How many times this happens to us. I mean, seriously? If there is some kind of world record for 'times trapped in confined space'? We could totally win," Drake says, looking at the closet around them in disgust. Megan.
"It hasn't been-" Josh starts, as if he's about to disagree, which is totally ridiculous, but then he nods slowly, "Megan would probably ruin it for us. Tell them we shouldn't win because most of the trapping has been all her fault."
"She would," Drake agrees.
"When do you think she'll let us out this time?" Josh asks.
"When she gets home from Janie's. In five hours," Drake says, kicking the wall with his foot. He doesn't know how these things happen. He really doesn't. One second he and Josh are having a small argument in the closet about whether or not duct tape actually fixes everything, and the next they're trapped and Megan is laughing evilly on the other side. It's amazing.
"Five hours?" Josh echoes.
"Yeah. I heard her ask mom for permission to stay out past curfew earlier," Drake says. Josh groans. They sit in silence for a few minutes, except for a few loud sighs and groans, until Josh taps Drake's arm and smiles.
"We could play a game," He suggests and Drake groans again.
"Like that horrible game from improve comedy camp? No, Josh. No." He says. Josh pouts, but Drake doesn't care, it really had been the worst game ever.
"Fine! What do you think we should do for five hours then?" Josh asks, crossing his arms over his chest. Drake actually takes a minute to think about it, grinning when an idea occurs to him.
"We could play a different game," he says.
"A different game?" Josh echoes, sounding wary.
"Yup. We could play Truth or Dare," Drake says. Josh sighs,
"Seriously dude? There are two of us and we know everything about each other. It's not a good plan."
"You do not know everything about me," Drake says, still smirking.
"Yeah, Drake, I think I do," Josh says. Drake grins and leans forward,
"Ok. Then what am I thinking right now?" He asks.
"I said I knew you, not that I had ESP!" Josh snaps, and Drake has to bite back the urge to giggle. Josh is so easy sometimes.
"So? You said you knew everything about me. So what am I thinking?" He challenges. Josh glares at him,
"I don't know, because, again, I'm not a mind reader," Josh says. Drake laughs.
"See? It's perfect."
"What's perfect?"
"We can just play dare then, because even if you did know 'everything' about me," he says, putting air quotes around 'everything,' "you can't read my mind. So you won't know what I'm going to dare you to do," Drake says. Josh blinks rapidly like's he hoping to decode Drake's brilliant plan into Josh logic. It seems to sort of work, because he sighs and throws his head back against the wall.
"Fine," he says. Drake grins and crawls closer to Josh.
"Ready?" He asks, breathing into Josh's ear. Josh flushes, and Drake grins. Too easy. Really.
"Ready?" Josh returns, already sounding a little breathy.
"I dare you, to kiss me," Drake says, leaning in so his lips are practically touching Josh's, squirming in anticipation. Josh freezes for a second, and Drake can almost hear the panicked monologue that's going through his head right now, then he swallows, and moves his head just far enough to bring his lips to Drake's. It's hesitant and careful and a thousand other Josh things, and Drake needs it to be more, so he keeps kissing, keeps kissing until Josh's lips open under his and his hand find their way all over Josh's body and they're both sighing and groaning again, but for different reasons now. Then there are clothes coming off and more moans and skin against skin and Josh growing more confident as Drake slowly loses his mind completely.
Later, when they're still in the closet, and still naked, but they're breathing a little slower, and their hand movements are a little lazier, Drake thinks this might have been his best plan ever.
The "you can't date her, she's my sister(cousin)," thing.
Josh has this cousin, Tiffany, and they were super closer as kids. She was the closest thing to a sister he had (until Megan, obviously, but Tiffany had the advantage of not being evil) and when she'd moved to Chicago at the end of fifth grade he'd been upset. So when she sends him an e-mail mentioning she's coming to town, he's really excited. They haven't seen each other in years and he thinks it will be kind of nice to have someone on his side around for a little while. (Because as much as Megan is evil, and as much as Drake complains about her, they still do that thing sometimes, that Parker sibling, "What? We're the cool ones around here, remember?" thing.) So Josh is really looking forward to her visit, until the second she steps off the plane.
That's when Josh starts praying to every higher power he can think of, because surely they can see how this bad too, surely they'll take pity on him, because this is ridiculous. Tiffany's hair is too blonde and her skirt is too short, and she might as well have a blinking "I'd love to sleep with you, Drake" sign over her head. All Josh can do is pray for a miracle, for Drake to be struck to temporarily blind, or with a sense of decorum, or something, anything to stop Drake from-
"Hey," Drake says, sauntering up to Tiffany, drawing out the word hey until it implies so much more, and this is bad. Very bad.
The kind of bad that continues for several days of flirting and giggling and Drake's smirks and Tiffany's hair flips, until Josh can't take it anymore. He pulls Drake up to their room on the fourth day of Tiffany's visit, furious.
"What is wrong with you?" He asks when they reach their room.
"What are you talking about?" Drake says, sitting down on the couch as though they're having a perfectly normal conversation.
"You cannot flirt with Tiffany!" Josh fumes, joining him on the couch.
"Sure I can."
"No, you can't. She's, she's-" Josh stops for a second, running his hand through his hair and trying to figure out what he can say to make Drake stop. Because he can't watch it anymore. He just can't. "She's kind of your cousin too!" He tries.
"No she's not," Drake laughs.
"She's your step cousin! And you can't just make out with your step… relations," Josh says, and he turns a little redder than he would have liked at the end, but he hopes Drake doesn't notice.
"Dude, I met her for the first time four days ago, and we're not actually related. So it doesn't count," Drake says.
"Yes, Yes it does!"
"Not really," Drake says. He still looks totally unbothered by all of this, which is infuriating, but also makes Josh think he should try a new approach.
"Ok. Fine. It's not. But, she was like my sister growing up, and you're my best friend. Aren't there like, rules about things like that?" He attempts.
"She's not really your sister, dude," Drake says.
"I know that! But we spent a lot of time together as kids and it's still very," Josh stops and takes a deep breath, switching tactics again, "How would you feel if I started flirting with one of your cousins?"
"My only cousin is a forty-year-guy. Remember?" Drake asks, looking amused. Josh blushes again, but presses on.
"Ok, fine. What if I started flirting with him? Making out with him?" He asks. Drake's eyebrows shoot way up into his hair and he actually looks a little bothered, which Josh thinks is progress until Drake opens his mouth,
"But he's all… unattractive. Always has been." Drake says.
"What?"
"Well if you're going to start making out with guys, you should at least pick hot ones," Drake says. Josh groans and puts his head in his hands. This is so not going his way. He sighs again, and then tries one more time,
"Look, Drake could you just stop with Tiffany? I don't like it."
"Ok." Drake says, shrugging.
"Ok?" Josh asks, picking his head up.
"Yeah. If it bothers you."
"It really does," Josh says.
"Ok," Drake repeats, then he frowns, "Why didn't you just say that?"
"Say what?"
"That it bothered you. It would have been easier then rambling about… sisters or whatever else you were going on about," Drake says.
"Because you've turned me into a crazy person!" Josh returns. Drake nods, not looking the slightest bit offended.
"She's not that hot anyway," Drake says. Josh blinks, thrown.
"She's not?"
"Nah. And you're a way better kisser," Drake says, smirking again, and leaning towards Josh who can only open and shut his mouth in shock, until Drake kisses him. Then he can only kiss back, and wonder how it is that somehow, Drake had managed to figure out the point he hadn't even tried to make.
And one clichéd way they did.
The falling in love with your best friend thing.
It's funny, because years later they don't really have a story to tell people. They don't have one moment or one thing. Not one day or one experience. Nothing either of them can point back to and say that it was that day that changed everything. Possibly because nothing really changed. Somewhere along the line it had just become clear that this was how it should be. They were friends, best friends, and then every little thing Drake did made Josh realize he was in love with him. It was a gradual thing, like growing up always is. It was easy, easier than it should have been. It should have been wrong or felt awkward, but it wasn't. It was just turning to Drake one day mid story, loving the way Drake's face lit up when he laughed. It was just hugging for a little longer, a little tighter. It was just talking until late into the night, until Drake fell asleep on Josh's shoulder. It was just Josh managing Drake's career, and Drake letting him. Loving every minute of it.
In the end, it wasn't one thing they did. Not one moment that stood out. It was the things they stopped doing. It was when they stopped pulling back from the intense moments, the ones that meant a little more and went with them, seeing where it took them. It was when they stopped holding in all the things they'd both been thinking. It was when they didn't turn wanting to kiss into a fight about something stupid. It was when they just let it all go. When they stopped fighting about it. From there, it just was. It was them, but with more, and it was right and easy and perfect and simple.
Then there were kisses in the morning whispered feelings at night and fights that ended in more kissing and holding each other on bad days and picking out a first apartment and building a life together and never looking back. It's not the best story in the world, and sometimes Drake says they should make something up. Something complicated and complex and possibly involving alcohol, but Josh is pretty sure that their way is already pretty amazing.