"Did you hear?" Harvey inquiries by her office door. It's late and the place is dark, but Donna is still there, sitting on her couch and examining a folder beneath the light of a lamp.
She raises her head at the sound of his voice. "Yes, Louis told me."
"I think Robert's pretty shaken up by it."
They just got the news of Tommy Bratton's death which, as insensitive as it sounds, solved a huge problem for them since Gould dropped the lawsuit against the firm following his partner's demise.
Donna sighs and closes the folder on her lap, leaning forward to place it on the coffee table, granting him more of her attention when he slowly walks into the office, hands in his pockets, clearly in need to talk.
"They weren't friends, but they've known each other for a really long time. And it probably puts his life into perspective, too, you know?"
"Yeah, he did say he just wanted to go home to his wife."
"What about you?"
"No wife to go home to, Donna," he shrugs playfully.
She rolls her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I mean, I would've rather beat him a different way, but I'm fine."
That's not entirely true. He's not necessarily mourning the guy, but "fine" would be a stretch. He really did get what Robert said. He wanted to go home too, except home wasn't the glass void he lived in, the space that has become cold and sterile in the course of years, despite nothing having changed in there. But then again, maybe he's the one who's changed. He just really needed to see her, be near her for a little bit. Then he is sure he's going to be fine.
"Do you have some time?" he asks.
"Yes. Why?"
"I'm gonna pour us a drink."
She doesn't protest and he goes to her decanter. It's full and he can't help but think it's because they haven't done this in so long.
She's been spending time with everybody but him lately. Even Samantha Wheeler, for fuck's sake. How did that happen? He used to have her mostly to himself, always present to guide his every thought or just share a glass of scotch and some laughs. That's why he didn't really ask this time, just went for it, robbing her of the opportunity to say no, too scared she'd take it.
He joins her at the couch, a safe distance between them as both lean against opposite sides.
"You almost went to work for him, remember?" he asks as his lips tug in the smallest of smirks.
"What? No I didn't." She scrunches her brows in confusion.
"Yes, you did. When we left the DA's office. You were so smug telling me you didn't need me because you had offers from Bratton Gould, Skadden Arps and O'Melveny & Myers."
Donna laughs at his tease, feelings something flutter in her stomach at the memory of the exact circumstances she had told him that – at her door, hiding a can of whipped cream behind her back.
"Yes, but I didn't almost went to work for him, I had chosen Skadden, remember?"
"I can't believe you were seriously gonna leave me for Skadden." Harvey feigns his best offended look.
"No no, mister. I was unemployed at the time because I quit and you had already left the DA's office. Don't try twisting history on me."
This time Harvey's the one chuckling because she's right. She had showed him who his mentor really was and he wasn't going to work for someone who broke the law to get his way even if it meant risking putting innocent people in jail. And neither was Donna. He should've known that, but he was still surprised when she told him she had quit too.
It had all happened so long ago. Twelve and a half years, to be exact. But as he sat in the poorly lit office, drinking scotch and staring at the same pair of hazel green eyes, it seemed like yesterday.
"Hey, did that guy end up going to Skadden?" he suddenly remembers.
"What guy?"
"The one we interviewed together. Kyle… something."
"Oh." It's Donna's only word. She rests her glass on her knee and looks to the side, avoiding his gaze in a slight eye roll.
"What?" He knows he annoyed her, but tries for innocence.
She looks back at him, raising an eyebrow. "You know what. I don't think that guy's ever going to want to see my face again, or yours for that matter, but yes, he took the offer from Skadden."
The memory of that interview clearly irked her.
The truth is she's been getting annoyed with him faster than she used to and he can't quite grasp why. He can see it in every eye roll, every deep sigh in frustration, every time she raises her voice and tells him things like "suck it up" or "I fucking earned it"... okay, maybe with some of those he does understand why she acted like that. But not with most.
So he jumps back to the previous conversation as fast as he can, trying to prevent her irritation from moving further - their resignations from the DA's office. It's such a promising topic.
He has been doing that lately, taking whatever opportunity he can get to bring up their past, their history, his memories…
At first it had been a relief to finally be allowed to mention it after twelve and a half years of embargo on the topic. He had made her a promise, after all. He could never really keep the first part of the promise, seeing as he could never really put the memories out of his mind, but he figured it didn't matter as long as he kept true to the second half and never mentioned it.
But she was the one to break her own rule. Rather loudly, for that matter, when she yelled at the firm's lobby about how they had done so much more than kiss. It was like a blindfold being lifted from his eyes in that moment. Clarity invading his retinae while the weight of her rule lifted off his shoulders.
So he's been taking advantage of his new found freedom. Giving himself permission to think things he tried to keep off his mind before (even if those attempts were so often fruitless) and, more than that, giving himself permission to bring it up in one or two rare occasions.
"Okay, I was a dick. Point taken," he concedes. "Let's go back to our previous conversation."
"What previous conversation?"
"About how you were teasing me with your law firm connections all the while holding a can of whipped cream behind your back and I didn't even know. I gotta tell you Don, that was—"
"Harvey, what the hell are you doing?" she cuts him off.
The smirk on his lips instantly disappears. His addled eyes search hers, lips parted, confused by the pungent annoyance in her tone which slapped the flirt right out of him. "I'm not…"
"You're not what? Are you not doing anything?" She huffs out a breath in annoyed frustration and places her glass on the coffee table. "I guess you're right, you're not. That's just what's normal for you. You get to smile, and drink and flirt and call it nothing, and tell me it doesn't mean anything." Her fingers draw quotes into the air at her last words.
She's been keeping her frustration deep inside for so many months. Controlling herself, her emotions and her confusion, but this one more flirt from him, and such an obvious one at that, digging at old memories… It breaks her. He said their lines were clear, he said he didn't want more, so he doesn't get to do this anymore.
What doesn't make sense is that he's been doing it more. More frequent, more directly. He calls her, he jokes around, he asks for her company. Deep looks and just the right words in that low tone he seems to set aside just for her.
And it gets to her, she hates that it does, but she can't help it. Something in her stomach flutters and she gets carried away by the shiver down her spine. She can't help but be affected, which makes her mad not only at him, but at herself. And now carelessly bringing up their most sheltered secret like that? It felt like he's twisting the 'that doesn't mean I want more' metaphorical knife. It's too much.
"Donna, I–"
She cuts him off, like she so often tends to do.
"But you know what, Harvey? I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't go back to this sort of normal between us." She motions her hands in the space between them. "I know I said if things were back to normal for you then they would be for me, but that was just me doing what you need, as always."
The exasperation of her sudden outburst quickly aggravates him, always so quick to turn to anger when his feelings catch up with him. "And you know what I need?" he says as if he doesn't believe she does, which to her is pure bullshit.
"Haven't I always known what you need for almost thirteen fucking years?"
"What I need is not for you to take care of my schedule or run this firm or tell me what to do. I need you."
The confession slipped off his tongue before he put any thought into it. It was a truth so fundamental to him, something he knew so deeply, it just comes out as the most simple of facts. For a split second he's scared he's said too much, but she's so tired and hopeless, his words don't even compute.
"It's always about your needs, Harvey…"
She leaves the couch to get some distance from him, heart racing, not knowing whether to fight or flight.
"Are you going to keep throwing a decade's worth of professional frustrations on my face when I'm trying to talk about us?" Harvey makes the decision for her when he stands to look her in the eyes.
"You think this is professional? This is as personal as it gets, Harvey." Her voice shakes, a tightness in her throat. It takes everything in her to say the next words. "You need me to always be here for you, but at arm's length. You need me to help you through every emotion you've ever had while you deny ever feeling anything. You need me to never leave you, unless you tell me to go."
He's lost for words. He wants to deny each one of those accusations, but the only way he can defend himself from them is opening up completely and he doesn't find the courage to do so. Instead his frantic mind grasps at the nearest straw. "Are you talking about what happened with Paula?"
"No, Harvey. I'm talking about what happened to me when Paula told you to fire me."
She seems so pained and he's never felt more remorse in his life.
He's been carrying that guilt for months, even though he foolishly thought he had fixed it when he chose her. He thought she would see the action for what it meant. She was Donna, she had to know… But maybe she didn't. Or maybe it wasn't enough for her. Either way, the teardrop threatening to spill from the corner of her eye was drowning him, burning its way to his lungs.
"I– I chose you, I…" He tries, but even he knows it's not enough. He shakes his head slowly, his breathing is shallow, trying to control the adrenaline from their fight and tell her what he should've told her a long time ago.
"I was a coward when I made that call to Sttu. I know that. I was desperately trying to find a solution, but not knowing what the real problem was there. It's the biggest regret I have in my life. If I could go back in time and undo it, I would. If I could, I would go much further in the past and never end up in that relationship at all… But Donna," he steps closer to her, looking so deeply into her eyes she knows he's desperate for her to understand how much he means what he's saying, "you have to know I never would've let that happen. Not because I need you, and I do. Not just because of loyalty, even though I'm completely loyal to you. But because it's you. It's always gonna be you. It wasn't even a choice, Donna."
He wants to dry the single tear streaming down her face, but she's faster than his hesitation, quickly swiping her fingers across her cheek. Instead he reaches and holds her left wrist. It's a weak grasp, as weak as he feels, but he needs to touch her more than ever. His thumb rest on her pulse point. Her skin is so warm and soft and his hands are freezing. He then realizes he had been staring down at the place where they meet. When he looks up, he finds her eyes waiting for his.
She breathes in and it feels like her first breath of fresh air in so long she can't even remember. All this time, she had been feeling so guilty about being the reason Harvey had to give up the first real relationship she ever saw him pursue, she suppressed how much he had hurt her. She was trying so hard to keep their friendship from collapsing, she forced herself to move on, to accept it was enough that he was loyal to her when it came down to it.
She didn't fail to comprehend how meaningful it was that he chose her over his relationship, but she never expected to hear him say that it was more than loyalty, more than need. She never expected him to say he chose her simply because he always would. And that, more than anything, is what heals the wound she had been hiding under a band-aid. Because she gets it. She also needed him, she was also loyal to him. But whenever she had to make a choice it would always be him and it would never be driven by need or loyalty, but by something else much stronger.
"Do you think you can ever forgive me?" he whispers into the quietness.
"I did forgive you. It still hurt, but I did."
Knowing that he had caused her pain was an excruciating feeling for him. He only experienced that a handful of times throughout the years and it never failed to rip his heart out. "I can't have you hurting, Donna."
She smiles faintly. "You just took care of that, too."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Thank you for saying this."
"I meant it. And I should've said it sooner. Though… I kind of thought you already knew."
"Hoping I'd know everything so you don't have to say it and actually thinking I do are two different things, Harvey." She reprimands him, tilting her head to the side, but it's light. There's no resentment there anymore.
He knows she's right. Maybe he didn't so much think she actually knew the extent of his remorse, but rather wished really hard she did, because it hurt too much to think otherwise. It was too shameful. He's not sure what were his wishes or beliefs in that scenario, but one memory instantly comes to the forefront of his mind at her words.
You know I love you, Donna.
He really thought she did…
That's the moment he finally realizes he needs to start saying all the things he wants her to know.
It's such an obvious realization he hates himself for not reaching it sooner. His mentality over the years has always been one of never having to tell her a thing, because she's always just known. But she clearly doesn't know everything.
There are some things he wishes she knew. Things he only recently came to know himself. Things that perhaps were always there, as he realized during one lonely drunken night at his apartment, but that he was never ready to acknowledge. Things she was supposed to know even before he did (because that's what she did, dammit!), but somehow… she never knew.
He mused on the thought that, the fact that he was ever able to lie to her should've tipped him off the second she didn't call him out. But maybe she wasn't able to spot the lie because he was also lying to himself on so many occasions, so he really didn't show his typical tells. She couldn't read him.
That doesn't mean I want more!
She couldn't have picked up on his lie there, even if she could read his mind, because he had been lying to himself, too.
But he's stopped lying to himself months ago.
At some point between her resignation and the departure of his closest friend, he understood the reason why she was the one person he could never lose.
From that point on a new battle had erupted inside him - trying to temper down his feelings and keep his wants to himself because it wasn't fair to her to pursue her after everything he had put her through. And it would also be pointless… because she didn't feel anything.
A bitter sorrow runs inside his bones every time he remembers her words. So he's been trying. To be normal, to be partners and friends and whatever the hell they are and respect what she wants from them all while he feels everything inside him explode in need of her.
But he's never been good at control. He loses it too damn easily. So he can't help but seek after her, grasping at every little moment of closeness and intimacy he can get. And he flirts because he can't not when she's all he thinks about.
He catches the way she looks at him sometimes. The way she smiles at him when she thinks he's not looking, the way she stares at his lips when he talks or loses her quick wit in an almost shy manner when he flirts.
That has to mean something.
He brings up old memories because he's finally free to do so. But also to tease her, to see her reaction. And he knows, for a second there, she feels something too. He's not humble enough to ignore the effect he has on her.
But then she puts new distance between them. She never searches for him anymore, unless it's professional. She hangs up the phone when he wishes they could talk all night. They don't even share a glass of scotch before going home anymore. She's been pulling away. And to this point, he's been letting her, because he thinks he has to.
He can't anymore.
She kissed him because she needed to know, and as hard as it was, they were able to deal with the consequences and stay together. Now he needs her to know. Even if he's scared shitless of what may come out of that, even if she's just going to tell him she doesn't feel anything. It's just something he can't control anymore. It's like this constant building tension between them. Something feral and desperate growing inside and he needs to let it free, reckless as it may be.
He breathes in and starts slow, lest he may grab her and kiss her right this second. Like she did to him, his mind doesn't fail to note. He needs to tell her and he needs to do it right.
"What do you say we get out of here and go get some dinner?" He's still holding at her wrist and he tugs her lightly, smiling at her.
But then he feels her slipping out of his fingers along with his hopes.
"No, it's late…" She takes a step back, putting some distance between them, as if pulling her wrist from his grasp wasn't clear enough of a message. She reaches for her bag. "I should get home."
"Donna…"
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She smiles in a way that's honest, but not enough to reach her eyes, and then turns her back and walks out of her office as he watches the contour of her body distancing itself from him one more time.
.
As she rides the elevator up to the fiftieth floor the next morning, her mind is still overflowing with everything that was said the night before and all the reasons for her to leave.
It's frustrating to a maddening degree to still be stuck on this. She knows she and Harvey simply have to get back to normal. It's their only alternative. It's become painfully clear after everything they've been through that they can't be without the other. But he's also not interested in being together. This is all they've got, whatever this is.
And they've been mostly back to their normal these last few months. Now, with the wound of him almost firing her finally healed and her putting a stop to all the flirting, things could really be back on track. Even if their track rolls round and round in an endless cycle, never moving forward. Sometimes you just have to take what you get, and that goes for the both of them.
Still it didn't feel right to go out for dinner the night before. Everything was still too raw, she needed a bit of time. Also…
The elevator dings and the doors slide open.
The way she struts to her office faster than usual, compromising the sway of her hip and keeping her sight straight ahead, forces her to admit to herself she's avoiding him, praying they don't cross paths.
Because the truth is she also had a feeling. A feeling she couldn't quite put her finger on, but that was telling her Harvey looked like he had more to say last night. It seemed like there was something he wasn't telling her and the last - and maybe only - time that happened he had been hiding his relationship with his former therapist from her.
Thankfully his current therapist is Dr. Lipschitz, so she probably doesn't need to worry about that this time. But the point is, Harvey keeping things from her can't be a good thing and she can't deal with that right now. The apology was enough and, frankly, as much digging into her feelings as she can handle for the time being.
She knows she's suppressing her feelings, but what else can she possibly do when letting her feelings out was what caused this whole mess? They're doing fine now and that's how she intends on keeping things. So she focus on work. Nothing she's never done before. At least in her professional life, she is where she is meant to be.
Donna buries herself in work for the next two days. Avoiding crossing with Harvey in the hallways of the firm or the hallways of her mind unless it's inevitable. There's a civil war going on in the firm with Alex and Samantha fighting to put their names on the wall, but her job is to keep the firm running in spite of that.
She does what she can about it, going to Harvey that same day (reluctantly and hesitantly) to talk about how he needs to accept it with grace if Samantha wins. She also tells him he shouldn't help Alex if he wants to keep the firm together. Other than that, they have no more interactions.
The next day goes on like the one before, with lots of work and avoidance. It's night time when Katrina enters her office.
"Katrina, if you're here to go out for drinks tonight, I can only say that the answer is a big, fat, yes please!" She really, really needs it.
But Katrina has other things on her mind.
"As much as I would love to say that's why I'm here, what I need is a big, fat, piece of advice."
"What is it?"
"Harvey basically asked me to impersonated Samantha Wheeler."
Her face drops. "What?"
"It's the only way to get what they need to help Alex win."
"What did you tell him?"
"I told him, I didn't know."
Shit. He's going against her advice. But she tries to be practical about it. "Well, if Harvey wants you to do this, why not do it?"
"Other than not wanting to get on Samantha's bad side, Louis specifically told me not to help either one of them."
"Did he say why?"
"He said that if too many people got involved their fight could tear the firm appart."
Exactly what she had told Harvey.
But telling Harvey to his face not to do something stupid that could potentially rip the firm appart was one thing. Going against him and behind his back when he'd already made his choice, was another. She's been doing the former for years, but she could never do the later. She is, after all, completely loyal to him. No matter how stupid he acts.
"Then I say… Too many people are already involved. You might as well go ahead. Help Harvey."
Katrina seems the slightest taken aback by her advice, but she takes it nonetheless. "Thanks, Donna."
When Katrina leaves, she once again tries concentrating on work, but it's even harder now.
.
It's much latter when she leaves her office. She's sure everybody's gone home by now. The only reason she's even there is because her mind was too much of a mess to trust the silence of her apartment. She felt safer concentrating on work and only going home when she was tired enough to sleep right away, not giving her mind ample time to dwell on what a mess everything is.
On her way to the elevator she notices the hallway lights leading to Harvey's office are all still on. He's still there and there's one more thing she needs to get done. She can't keep avoiding it, as much as she would like to avoid him.
He's at his desk examining a case file. So focused he doesn't even hear the quiet knocks of her heels as she approaches his office. She leans the side of her body against the glass door and observes him for a bit before she calls his attention.
"Hey."
His brows raise in surprise when he sees her. "You're still here? What time is it?" He eyes his watch.
"Very late. I had some things I wanted to get done. I was just about to leave, but I thought I'd check in on you."
She doesn't just 'check in on him' anymore and she hasn't in a long time, so he knows there's more.
"What's your mind, Donna?"
She hesitates, but pushes herself from the frame of the door and walks in, leaving her purse on a chair on the way.
"Katrina told me what you asked her to do."
He sighs, leaving his desk and walking towards her. "And let me guess, you don't agree?"
"Not that much of a guess since I told you that yesterday." She smirks, but there's an edge of annoyance.
"So why didn't you stop her?"
She rolls her eyes. She's not in the mood to tell him she'll always have his back.
"You and Robert agreed to stay out of it and let Alex and Samantha battle for name partner for a reason, Harvey. And now that things are not going the way you want, you're just gonna go back on your word like that?"
"Look, if Alex doesn't use those files, his client will turn Samantha in to the bar. She's screwed either way. This way, at least Alex wins."
"No, Harvey. This way you make it clear that you'll go back on your word and do anything to win. Why can't you just do what you said you would and stay out of it?"
"I don't care what I said! This is my firm and I gave my word to Alex–"
She doesn't mean to, but she's suddenly raising her voice. "And Robert gave his word to Samantha! But I guess that doesn't matter to you at all. You're just going to make a liar out of him, just like you did with me when you broke my promise to David Fox."
"I fixed that!" he snaps back.
"Well, I don't really give a shit, Harvey. Because you looked me in the eye and told me you didn't care about my integrity, you didn't care if you were making a liar out of me, you just cared about getting your way and now you're doing the same thing again, only this time to Robert and Samantha."
He doesn't immediately respond and her words sound even louder in the sudden silence. His jaw clenches and he tightens his fists at the side of his body before he speaks again, bringing up something that's been on his mind a lot lately.
"Let's have it Donna. Is that why you're mad at me this time? You keep fighting me but I don't think you're really saying what you want to say. One day it's about Fox, the other it's about flirting and now you're yelling at me about how I choose to run this firm. So what are you really mad about?"
"You have some nerve saying this to me. I'm just doing my job, which apparently is stopping you from acting like a child and ruining everything, because, in case you forgot, you don't run this firm anymore!"
"So you're not mad at me?" He asks, dripping with irony, his arms raising to the sides, shrugging in feigned nonchalance. "This is us, being completely back to normal?"
She huffs in annoyance. "Here we go with this normal thing again…"
"Well, it was you definition, Donna. Your choice. But you've been avoiding me for two days and you've been distancing yourself for way longer. Is that what you would call normal? Because I wouldn't."
"I'm not avoiding you. We've just been busy."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"I…"
"Are you going to lie to me now? Were you busy the other day when I asked you for dinner? And it's not just about the other night, Donna. You've been pushing me away for a long time now."
She's silent. There's so much she could say to him, but she's torn between lies that could fix this and honesty. "I don't know what you want me to say, Harvey."
"How about the truth?"
"What truth, Harvey? There's nothing here and you made that perfectly clear."
"I didn't do shit!"
"Oh, really? What part of 'that doesn't mean I want more' is not clear enough to you? Because it's all pretty damn clear to me!"
"You've gotta be kidding! What difference does it even make to you when you made it clear you didn't feel anything?"
"I only said that because–" She cuts herself off. Shakes her head. Turns to the side to stop from facing him.
"Because what, Donna?"
"Nothing."
"Just finish that sentence." He feels something akin to hope growing inside him for the first time.
"No, Harvey. I told you I was done with this, us."
His voice comes out low and breathless. "We haven't even started, Donna."
"I'm not going to start this whole mess again, Harvey."
She sounds tired as she turns her back once again. But this time she walks away towards the door. She means it. She gave up. And she's leaving him. Again.
If there ever was a time to go all in, to throw all his chips and caution on the table, this is it.
"Did you lie to me?" his voice resonates in the darkened office.
She stops. And when she doesn't immediately look back, when she stays still for a second too long before a shaky "what?" leaves her lips and her eyes meet his, he knows the answer to his question.
"You did." It's the strangest mixture of utter relief and immediate anger rollings through his bloodstream.
She gives him a half shrug and an attempted smirk that takes an unbelievable amount of physical strength to try and make it look like it doesn't matter. Her eyes are glistening.
"Why did you do it?"
"I did that to protect you, Harvey. To protect us."
"The hell you did!"
"You were freaking out on me! You were going to destroy everything we had because you were scared shitless. I did what I had to do to protect you and if you can't see that…"
"That wasn't your call! You don't get to decide how I feel on your own!"
"I didn't decide anything! You were perfectly clear when you made me promise I would never kiss you again, when you told me you didn't want more and every one of the thousand times you told me whatever happened between us never meant anything!"
It hits him like a knockout punch how much of an idiot he's been. He's really said all these things. He was the one who made sure he never got what he wanted the most and hurt her feelings along the way. It deflates him of whatever anger he was feeling before. Now he's all despair and need. To fix everything, to make things right. To make himself clear for once in this goddamn relationship.
She takes his silence as the end of it. Another cue for her to leave this never ending battle of things unsaid. He sees her distancing herself again, moving towards the door, and that knocks him back to reality.
His voice is low, but it echoes in the darkness. "So you're just gonna walk away? You're just gonna leave me again?"
"At least I tried, Harvey. Which is more than we can say about you. If I'm leaving, it's because you let me go."
"All I've ever tried to do is keep you close," he whispers weakly.
"Yeah, you're right. You keep me at arm's length, waiting for you, while you run away scared."
"No, Donna. You were never at arm's length. You've always been completely out of my reach, now more than ever. But I'm tired of running, unless it's after you."
She's silent. She doesn't really know where he's going with this now.
"You felt something." It's not a question. "And I should've known. I know you better than to believe you didn't. But I'm a goddamn idiot without you pointing things out to me. You should've known that."
"What difference does it even make, Harvey?"
She really, honestly doesn't know. How is that even possible?
"What's the day today? I wanna write this down." There's this grin insisting on tugging the corners of his mouth and he can't stop it, regardless of how nervous he feels.
"What?" Donna scrunches her brows, confused out of her mind and emotionally exhausted.
"I know something you don't. This has never happened before."
"What are you–"
"I want more, Donna. More of you, all of you."
She stares at him statue like. Stuck in time and space, heart free falling into a void.
"Are you going to walk away?" There's no bite to his words. He's not challenging her, or teasing. Here's clearly petrified. There's some kind of beauty in it. The way they're both made out of stone while their hearts melt. She's calcified in place, his calcified in fear.
But he steps towards her. One step and then another until she's only inches away and in that moment she knows, for the first time, that should she try to walk away, he wouldn't let her.
He doesn't stop drifting towards her. They're so close but somehow he seems to keep getting closer. When she breathes in the warmth of his breath, she's pretty sure he got so close they're now only one mess of wants and heartbeats occupying the same physical space and for a second she fears he might pass through her and still drift away, missing one more chance.
That's when she feels his lips on hears. She doesn't know when exactly her eyes closed but suddenly his mouth is soft and wet as it presses against hers. Their chests collide and she feels the way he sucks in a breath, his hands holding her face, thumb grazing her cheek and fingers threading beneath her hair.
He whispers her name against her lips and she feels it more than hears it. Her eyes flutter open to find his waiting for her.
"I love you so much." His voice is low and hoarse and her favorite sound.
The words are barely out of his mouth and he's kissing her again. She holds onto his arms, needing to grasp at something solid to make sure this entire moment won't fade away like morning fog the second air hits her lungs. But all she feels are his hands sliding down her body and gripping her waist. Taking her in. Bringing her closer. Keeping her.
His tongue tastes like hers, but better somehow. Her body is glued to his and she has only the faintest notion of moving along when he walks backwards towards the couch. She feels when he slowly sways her in place, a hand at the back of her neck and the other on the small of her back as he lowers her into the couch and she feels weightless.
His body is heavy on top on hers but she keeps pulling him in, wanting him close, needing his weight to keep her grounded, pinned to the couch and reality, which insists on keep drifting away from her mind as softly as his hands slide under her dress, lighting her skin on fire from the expanse of her thigh all the way up to her waist.
It's either that or what his lips are doing that makes her moan, she's not entirely sure. His open mouth slides from hers to her chin and down her throat, tasting and sucking.
His lips only leave her skin to allow her to free him from his tie, pulling it over his head. Their lips are locked again and all the buttons of his shirt open before she even realizes what her fingers are doing. Her nails rake over his his chest, leaving a trail of shivers and faintly red marks.
His hands search behind her and she arches her back, allowing him to slip down the zipper of her dress, enough to pull the fabric down her arms and expose her breasts to his tongue. She feels him pressing hard between her legs and each desperate grind of their bodies against each other.
He's pulling her skirt further up to her waist as she undoes his belt. His hand knead her inner thigh firmly until it reaches wet lace. She's soaked through and panting as he cups her.
"Fuck, Donna…"
He helps her swallow her moan when his lips meet hers again and she pushes his now open pants and briefs down his hips enough to free his cock to her touch. She feels it press against her body before she even has a chance to hold it in her hands.
Harvey's hand slips inside her panties and he lets his fingers run between her wet folds, relishing in the way she thrusts her hips up and moans in the crook of his neck. He's very aware that, in the very off chance someone enters his office this late at night, his next action will make things even harder to hide, but he doesn't care. They deserve at least that after all this time. So he slides her panties down her legs, relishing on the long expanse of silky smooth skin, and finishes taking his shirt off. When he tries to do the same with her dress, she stops him.
"Are you crazy?"
"There's no one here…" He has a salacious smirk on his lips when he hooks his fingers on the thin fabric bunged at her waist.
"Just come back." She pulls him back on top of her.
He meets her open mouthed in a devouring kiss as her legs fold around his hips, keeping him close and opening herself more to him. His lips find a nipple, freed from the confines of lace by his hand, which then massages her other breast as he sucks on the hardened peak.
Her hand meets his length between them and she strokes him a couple of time. He's so hard and sleek from rubbing against her own wetness, the only reason they're even wasting time with all the grinding is because it feels so good. But she can't hold off much longer, and by the way his dick throbs in her hand, she's sure he can't either.
"Harvey…" she wines and he lets her nipple slide off his lips to face her.
She's holding him, teasing her entrance with the tip, but he reaches for her wrist and pulls her hand away while he presses his lips against hers in a way that's so sweet he never even knew he was capable of before. He raises her hand above her head, pressing it against the couch. His fingers slide from her wrist to entwine with hers while he buries himself inside her, in one smooth motion.
She moans and she knows it's too loud, but her mind's not present enough to worry or care. All she feels is Harvey's skin all over her body as he thrusts inside her. He searches for her, mouth agape in a silent moan, as if he needs to stare deeply into her so familiar eyes to believe what's happening, to believe it's all real. He can't trust the tricks his desperate want for her plays in his mind, but he can trust Donna and, as he looks into her eyes, he knows he can also trust this moment, no matter how dream like it feels.
She's holding him, fingers pressing the hard softness of his back, feeling his muscles contract and he thrusts deep inside her, and she meets him at every motion, finding a rhythm perfected in the distance by years of synchronicity. It's hard and intense, but never fast. They don't do fast and they have thirteen years of slowburn to show for it. But now that's burning, it's a fucking forest fire.
He's sucking on the skin of her neck, kissing and tasting her between his grunts. He's not going to be able to hold out much longer and, when he feels her walls clench around him frantically, it only makes it that much harder to not succumb immediately.
He looks at her again. Her eyes are squeezed shut, her mouth is open as she moans and she's the most beautiful he's ever seen her. That's when her nails dig into his back, her legs tremble and clench even tighter around him, almost as hard as her walls clench his throbbing cock. She takes him with her. As he comes, he faintly distinguishes his name among her incoherent moans, but it's muffled by his own voice panting her name.
She's not sure whether she's seeing stars behind her eyes, or if it's just the New York skyline somewhere above them. Willing deep breaths into her lungs, she caresses his back when she feels him kiss her neck, where his face rests. His warm breath moves from the crook of her neck to her mouth and he kisses her slowly, tongues caressing each other in their own secret language, telling things they already know to be true.
When their lips part, they find themselves in silence, looking at each other, Harvey's body hovering above hers. He's smiling and he looks just so damn happy. The creases around his eyes pronounced and a grin plastered all over his face. Donna raises a hand to his face, fingers caressing his eyebrow and sliding over her favorite mole. She shakes her head softly trying to suppress a chuckle at how stupidly happy he looks, knowing for sure she has the same look in her eyes.
She opens her mouth to throw a quip at him. Something about the mind blowing sex. Or how inappropriate the circumstances are. Or how silly he looks. But he kisses her again. Just a peck to her lips, shutting her up just because now he gets to do this and he can't stop. She laughs into his lips.
He slips out of her carefully and sits up.
"We should go," he mentions softly, running his palm over her arm.
A tiny smirk on her lips and an even tinier shrug when she quotes his own words. "There's no one here."
He smiles softly, creases around his eyes deepening with the action. He reaches for the box of tissues on the coffee table and uses them to clean between her legs. She stares at him, biting her lower lip when she realizes that such an intimate action doesn't make her nervous or shy, it makes her feel cared for like she never have before. And it turns her on.
When he finishes, he lays beside her, securing her between his body and the backrest of the couch. She pushes her dress back down her legs and he retrieves his shirt from the floor and covers her chest. He threads his fingers through her hair and presses his lips to her.
"Harvey?"
"Hm?" he hums against her lips.
"You know I love you, right?"
"Yeah, I kind of had to figure that out on my own." He looks at her with that silly grin on his face again and she can only chuckle and roll her eyes. "But it sure as hell feels great to hear you say it."
"Say what?" she feigns innocence as she baits him and he willingly goes with her antics.
"I love you."
"You've said that already. Don't be clingy."
Harvey laughs and pulls her body against his. It doesn't take long for their kisses grow too hot again, her fingers grasping at his ribs, him pulling her body closer. Somehow she manages to find a bit of reason and stop them.
"There's no way we can go for round two here."
"Why not?" He kisses her collarbone. "Are you coming home with me?"
"No…" she denies and chuckles when his eyes snap back at hers, all wide and worried, before she clarifies. "You're coming home with me."
.
The next day, when they ride the elevator up to the fiftieth floor together, their entwine fingers are hidden from the security cameras between the skirt of her dress and the lack of space between their bodies. When the doors open, they don't look at each other, but they have twin smirks on their lips as their fingers reluctantly slide apart and they walk into the firm.
It's a normal day at Zane, Specter, Litt, considering their normal is an eternal fight to get someone's name up the damn wall and Donna saving the day. So that's what she does, going to Louis and saving everybody's asses, managing to keep the firm united and stronger than ever.
When she enter Louis' office at the end of the day and says something about the two guys hugging needing to get a room, she's feeling pretty proud of herself. She even invites Louis for drinks because her friend deserves to celebrate, even though she's eager to be alone with another name partner, but she can't deny she's glad he decides to stay.
"Level with me here," Harvey mutters when they leave Louis' office side by side, leaning closer to her. "You really think he can handle this?"
Their arms brush against each other softly as they walk and she's pretty sure he tried to lock his pinkie with hers for a second there before backing up to his nonchalant demeanor.
"I think desperate times require desperate measures. And I think something else too."
"What's that?"
"I am going to enjoy watching you and Robert take orders from Louis."
"We're not gonna be the only ones he's in charge of. He'll be giving you plenty of orders too."
"No, he won't. You're forgetting," she leans against Harvey's side and lowers her tone. "I'm the Louis whisperer."
He huffs humorously. "Are you sure about that? When he walked in he said you weren't pulling it off, he was."
"And who do you think told him to say that?"
"Holy shit. Are you saying you're the real managing partner?" He just can't help the proud grin taking over his face.
"I'm not saying that. But I'm also not not saying that."
She grabs his arm, hooking it with her own and running her fingers from the other hand down his shoulder. That's innocent enough for office environment, isn't it? She can't find it in herself to care.
"Come on, pretty. Drinks are on you."
She spots from the corner of her eyes the way he rolls his, not at all able to contain a tiny smirk at her words. She's totally killing his reputation. But them again, it's been years since he's known as a man who puts Donna Paulsen above all else, and at least that reputation will always remain intact.
"Oh, so you think I'm pretty?" he teases, quirking an eyebrow in her direction.
She doesn't even look at him and just keeps walking them towards the elevator. "No, you misheard that, silly."
.
AN: Phew. That was a lot of work! Thank you guys for reading! I'd love it if you could leave some thoughts behind ;)