How do you move on after giving up on everything? That one thing you held close is gone and your left with this emptiness. How are you supposed to continue with nothing left? I thought of selling my sole, if there is such a thing, ending it all, or trying to forget it all. Obviously I decided on the least drastic of those decions. The problem is, there isn't such thing as forgetting three years of your life, but there is a way to completely disconnect the emotions of those years; good or bad its gone. It's as close to forgetting it all as humanly possible without a traumatic event severly damaging the brain. This worked for the past ten years of my life until the one I disconnected from laid before me on a stretcher bleeding to death.
"He's part of the major crash on east bound 80. He's a Jane Doe currently. We got him stabilized but with the amount of bleeding you'll need to get him on a transfusion and I.V. once you have him stabilized," the ambulance parametric informs me as I rush along side them staring down at the only person I've ever loved passed out and manually being fed air while quickly bleeding out in front of me.
"Alright. Mary, I need you to set up a room for us to operate in," I shout at one of my assistants.
"One, two, lift," I tell the paramedics as they help me lift the thirty year old male up by the bed sheets to move him over onto a hospital bed. In one swift movement I pull the side rails up and start to rush him into the room Mary prepded and prepared for me.
With the Jane Doe male ready for surgery I get into my smocks, booties, and scrub my hands twice before putting gloves on. I pull my face mask on and enter the room.
Surgery, especially as a trauma surgeon, is taxing on the mind. The amount of attention and high focus it requires is draining. In most surgeries, even high risk, the surgien goes in with a game plan and debriefing, but as a trauma all the surgeon has to go off is what the paramedics inform them during drop off. After that the surgeon takes in everything they see and respond. Normally it's on people they don't know, but may have passed on the streets, my current patient laying on my table with their life hanging in my hands is far from a stranger as I struggle to hold back the emotions to keep a clear mind is the person with the biggest influence on my life.
"How can he just throw away three years of our life away like that? We spent the whole day together and he just kept telling me how much he loves me. He couldn't even do it in person! He messaged me over the phone after dropping me off!"
"Kimberly," someone calls bring my mind back from the past.
"Huh? Oh, yes." I look back at my patient and take a deep breath before continuing with the surgery. "There doesn't appear to be anymore shards of glass inside him and it seems as if I've stopped all of the internal bleeding. Let's stitch him up." I talk my way through the process as a method of distraction from the racing thoughts of the past.
I think it would be best if we don't talk anymore. My phone read. The coldness I felt didn't need to seep in to steal my warmth because the moment I read 'don't talk' there was no warmth to speak of. I knew where the message was headed and as soon as I caught sight of it my warm was stollen from me without any draining, it was just gone. Life was never easy for me to begin with but for the past three years and long before that he was my one constant. He was my reason to begin trusting in people again and to not feel so alone anymore. With him gone that happiness I felt seemed to vanish into thin air as if it was never really there to begin with.
"Kimberly, do we have an identity for our Jane Doe yet," the nurse currently taking care of the man from my past.
"No, but I know him."
"Oh, who is he," the nurse asks clearly missing the sadness I felt. I had managed to save him and he's on his way to a steady recovery, but he still hasn't seemed to wake up yet.
"Sasuke Uchiha, age 30; contact Itachi Uchiha, he's the primary emergency contact number."
"Thank you. I'll get right on that. He seemed to be coming to but I didn't want to over whelm him first thing. Since you're familiar with him it would be best if you greeted him. " I nod my head and walk over to his room trying to mentally prepare myself.
I have imagined our reunion over a thousand different times and it was different every time, but never once did I think it would be like this. With a deep breath I knock on his door before entering Sasuke's room. He would be heavily medicated from pain killers, an I.V. drip with nutrients hanging next to bed connecting to his arm where another needle was applying him with a blood transfusion, and the annoying but oddly comforting sound of the steady beeping from his heart monitor.
"Finally someone who can tell me what is going on. I've been pushing this button for about a minute now and no one has come." I look at Sasuke wondering if he didn't recognize me until I remember the reason behind why those once deep endless pools of onexy eyes are now clouded and look more like navy blue; small shards of glasses slipped through whatever form of protection, most likely his arms judging from the way his injuries where, had lodged themselves in is eyes after penetrating his eyelides. Quickly disguising my voice I spoke up.
"Yes, sorry about that. The nurse is busy taking care of other matters so she sent to get me. My name is Dr. Ann, I'm the surgeon that took care of you when you came in."
"For someone with a feminine scent you sure sounds very masculine." I sigh knowing it was useless to try hiding my identity.
"For someone who just had their ass saved by me you sure are rude as ever." The shock and realization on Sasuke almost made up for his rudeness. If it wasn't for all the hurt I was feeling inside I might have laughed at him.
"Kimberly," Sasuke asks in disbelief.
"Who else do you think would talk so crass to you. The moment anyone hears your name they're going to fear the loss of their job. By the way, why the hell were you out driving without your driver license you idiot?" Even with all the pain in side it was so easy to fall into our light banter.
"I missed grabbing my wallet, but I couldn't be late for the meeting. I was on my way to go grab it." He was instantly defensive as he gave me his bullshit.
"Whatever, your just lucky I saved your butt." With that said a heavy air falls over us.
"I'm sorry," Sasuke mumbles. I've craved to hear those words for so long, yet they sound so empty and worthless now. It was as if they held no meaning at all.
"Yeah, well you should have said that eleven years ago or even ten years ago before I gave up hope and it shouldn't take you almost losing your life for you to say those words." I turn away about to leave until I remembered my reason for coming in.
"The day shift will be taking over here in a few. Your doctor tasking over your case will come in and debrief you as well as Itachi when he comes in." I begin to walk away again, trying to keep my voice as steady and detached as possible. I really didn't feel like crying or being upset for the rest of the day.
"I never wanted to do it, but I felt like I was holding you back Kimberly! I wanted to return to you everyday for the past eleven year!" I don't stop as I pretend not to hear him. For once I was glad that Sasuke couldn't see me. I'd hate to explain to him why I cried over him yet I still walk away wishing I could truly forget and erase those memories of him.
I never got over my one love: Sasuke Uchiha.