A/N: Just something I wanted to try.
"A Conversation of Desperation"
by: the archduke
"Freddie, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I've spent most of my life with Spencer and Sam. I know stupid when I hear it, and what you just said is definitely the stupidest."
"Wait Carly, just listen. I've been thinking about this for awhile, and it's the only plausible explanation. I've done the math, and it doesn't add up. It doesn't add up!"
"Alright, Freddie, calm down. Your neck's doing that thing when you get all worked up. Take a breath."
"Math never lies Carly."
"Fine. But I'm not a mathlete, so you're gonna have to explain to me what doesn't add up."
"Okay, this diagram here is pre-"
"A diagram? Oh Freddie, I thought we talked about not doing things that would get you beat up. Making up a diagram for a stupid theory is one of those things."
"It's not stupid!"
"Sure."
"Do you want to hear my explanation or not?"
"Go ahead. Wow me with your diagram."
"If you look right here, that's Sam's weight. And this number, that's Sam's height. I got them when we did that see-saw bit, I had to have the right counter-weight so she could get enough height to reach the rubber duck. And this is the equation I used to determine the theoretical force of Sam's punch, factoring in relevant characteristics, like her right-handedness and-"
"I don't want to mess up all your awesome calculations, but though Sam's right-handed, she punches harder with her left."
"Oh. I didn't know that. Well, that just makes my theory even stronger!"
"Freddie."
"Don't get all exasperated. Let me finish. Long story short, Sam is a tiny, not-fully grown female. Her physical characteristics don't match up with her physical abilities. Carly, she ripped the chain right off your door! The math has no explanation for that. Do you?"
"She's Sam. She's always been that way. I thought it was all the protein she ate."
"Really? You thought Sam could defy the laws of physics because she liked to eat pork products?"
"Well my explanation is better than yours. You think she's magic."
"That's a mischaracterization!"
"I'm sorry. You think Sam is biblical. Is that a more accurate characterization?"
"You know what? Those people were right. You are sassy."
"Hey!"
"Carly, I am a man of science. But there are some things that can't be explained by science and that's where faith comes in. The parallels are too huge for me to just write off. The amazing strength, the rage, the violent tendencies, even the name. And the hair. Carly, that's the key to proving my theory. The hair."
"Oh my god, Freddie. You've finally snapped. Sam has finally pushed you too far. I know she's done a lot of awful things to you over the years, but if you're thinking of doing what I think you are, she'll probably break something. Like one or more of your bones."
"If my theory is correct, after I chop off her hair she'll be powerless. All my bones will remain intact."
"And if you're wrong, you'll probably end up in traction like poor Shane."
"I'm willing to take that risk."
"Freddie, I'm going to do something, and I'm only doing it because you're my friend."
"Ow!!"
"Snap out of it! Sam is just a regular girl with rage issues! Tell me you won't try to cut off her hair or I'll slap you again."
"Carly, if you'd-"
"Freddie!"
"Ow! Fine! That really hurt."
"And anyway, your stupid theory has already been disproven. Don't you remember in fourth grade when Sam got carried away at the fair and tried to stick her entire head in the cotton candy machine? She was practically bald for months."
"I'd forgotten about that."
"Yeah, obviously. And that was around the same time she was at her most, um, aggressive. She would go after anyone who said a word about her lack of hair. That poor hobo at the corner of Corbin was never the same."
"You're right. I guess I got a bit carried away and didn't think everything through completely. It was a pretty stupid theory."
"Yes, yes it was."
"Thanks for stopping me from going completely crazy Carly."
"You're welcome, Delilah."
"Hey!"
A/N 2: Sometimes even the most logical of us have our off days. I once thought my apartment was haunted.