Here and Not There
It's cold and I don't know why I'm here and not there.
The first time we were in each other's presence I was barely conscious, but I remember smelling your intoxicating scent. I remember you hands on me and your arms around me as you pulled me from the hood of my truck. That was my first impression of you. Scent and hands. I don't remember much else.
When I woke up, you weren't there. Someone else was though. Her scent lingered in the air, mingling with yours. You were here before. I dropped Red and wandered out of the lab. I don't like labs and I don't like doctors. But she smelled kinda like you. I like how you smell.
I ended up in Chuck's office after following the voices in my head. I saw you there for the first time. A man hiding behind a pair of ruby quartz glasses. I didn't like the way you acted. You were stiff and controlled. I didn't want you to be so controlled.
When Jeannie walked into the room, I got a closer look at her. She, like you, was beautiful. And she acted a hell lot better. But she didn't smell as nice. I wasn't attracted to her like I was to you, but you didn't seem like you were interested in me. Jeannie was. I don't remember much about my life, but whatever happened to me, I've grown to want people to want me.
A shitload of things happened that I didn't want to happen. Our visit to Liberty Island was just wonderful. Too bad I never got to stop by the gift shop...If you believed any of that shit, you should get your head checked. A couple good things did happen there though. I saw your wonderful smile. I saw you vulnerable, uncovered face. I wanted to protect you. But you didn't want me.
I fell unconcious when I saved Marie. When I woke up, Jean and I had a talk. Then the professor told me about Alkali Lake. I wanted to find out my past. I wanted to stay with you. You didn't confront me about staying or anything, so I left. I took your bike with me. Maybe you left it outside for me. I hope you did. I'll be sure to come back and return it to you. For you.
You make me feel so many things I've never felt before. It hurts sometimes to see you. I can't tell what you're feeling very well, but when I returned home, I think you were afraid. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I don't want you to be afraid of anything. You left so quickly. I felt so alone.
A couple of things happened afterwards: You were captured along with the professor. An invasion of the school and capture of the children, going to Boston in your car, and meeting up with Jean and Storm. Jean and I, we talked again. She did like me, and I guess I sort of liked her too. We kissed. I remembered that you once kissed these lips too.
We didn't see each other until much later. The dam was going to collapse. Everyone was frantically trying to start the Blackbird. I didn't notice what Jean was planning, but you did and you stopped her.
When we got back to the school, you disappeared. It started with skipping meals and working in your office with the door locked. The only time I ever saw you was during training and missions. Later on, I almost forgot you existed. I could never forget though. I can't forget you.
I couple of months passed by, and not seeing you got me real irritated. I don't know why, but I proposed to Jeannie. Thinking back, that was really stupid of me. You're always the only one ever on my mind. Jeannie would pick up on that if we ever did anything too intimate. And she did. She broke of the engagement and threw me along with the engagement ring into the pool. You pulled me out.
I don't know why, but all I could do was say thank you and leave. It's been a week or two now and I'm up here in the cold. I miss you. I don't know why I'm here. It's raining and I hate it, because now I have to drive home in the rain.