A/N: Read it through before you judge me. Judge Kate all you want though.
Disclaimer: hahaha. No. ABC, Marlowe and team still own Castle and thank God for it. Best show runner ever!
She was shifting nervously outside the door, trying in vain to keep it together. Beckett doesn't do nervous. But –
But it's only been a week since she came back to work. She knew that it wouldn't be simple. She knew that resigning, and then coming back to the job that was her life would have its consequences. She came back to her job, back to her desk with her head held high. Even though she was under probation and would have to report each step before she actually took it; still, she was back. She'd started mending fences, started catching criminals and serving justice.
It was ironic really, that she had been unjust in so many of her actions. She could appreciate the irony even if she didn't like it. But now – now she was trying to fix what was broken, and for once, that wasn't just her. It was all the people that she cared about – all the people that she knew, beyond a doubt, cared about her. Loved her. And she loved them.
So she'd been back and trying, very subtly, to get Esposito and Ryan back on track. She knew that they had to do it themselves, of course. Though she might feel guilty about it, the issues between them were theirs to fix. But she could nudge them along. Right? Sure. If Castle was here, he'd be trying to – although probably not as subtly.
Then there was that. Though neither was happy about it, she and Castle decided that they would wait for things to get settled before he attempted to worm his way back to the precinct. Gates might have let Beckett come back but none of them could judge how forgiving the woman was. They'd rather wait it out for a better chance than have him permanently banned right away.
Maybe that's what this was about. Or maybe Gates wanted to implement a new rule to make her life a little more miserable. Honestly, she should know this was hard enough. Cementing the cracks that they'd all inadvertently made in their team because of 'the case' was hard enough without more reprimanding. Still, she wasn't complaining. No. Beckett would face the consequences of her actions. It brought a small smile to her face when she realized, again, that she didn't have to face anything alone anymore.
She looked up to see Karpowski eyeing her strangely. Oh, yeah. Her hand had reached for the door handle but she was still just standing there. With a deep breath to calm her nerves, she turned the handle and stepped inside.
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
Gates looked up at her, took off her glasses and motioned for her to take a seat in front of her.
So this is going to be a long one. Somehow this felt very much like how Kate had imagined a visit to the principal's office to be. Which was weird considering that she'd never been to the principal's office. She always sweet-talked her way out of it before getting that far. If only –
"I wanted to talk about the arrangement with Mr. Castle."
Oh? Oh no. She had hoped for more time. She had hoped that a few weeks worth of very, very hard work and a good amount of wrapped up cases would get her back into the good books before they tried to broach this topic. He wasn't even here to help.
Before she could get a word in, Gates continued. "Mr. Ryan told me about what happened between the two of you."
What? She was going to kill Ryan. Wait. How did Ryan even know? Did he suspect …? But they'd been so careful. And even if he did, how could he tell Gates? She must have forced it out of him or something. No way would Ryan do that to her. Right?
She adjusted her features so that she wasn't looking at Gates with wide eyes. Show no signs of fear. Yeah. "Um. He did?"
"Yes. I was pretty surprised."
Okay.
"In fact, I'm surprised that it hadn't happened earlier."
Er…
"Right since the time both of you came back last year you always seemed to be in sync with each other. Sometimes you would complete each other's sentences or thoughts before they even made it out to the rest of our ears."
Umm…
"Then again, maybe it was bound to happen. It happened with me and my partner too, back in the day."
WHAT? Ew ew ew.. She did not need to know anything about that. Oh God. Can she come right out and tell her that she doesn't need to know? Before she could, Gates went on.
"I assume that both of you are still talking about it. It can do a lot of damage, of course, but sometimes it can be extremely healing."
Kate pondered briefly if she was actually shrinking in size or just imagining it. "Right. Yeah." Really, what was she supposed to say? Of all the possible scenarios that her mind, and even Castle's more twisted mind, had come up with, this was far, far worse. And Gates was smirking. Smirking.
"I can't even imagine it. From what I know about you, detective, you've always had a tight control over your emotions. And though Mr. Castle doesn't seem like the most patient person, I do have to admit that he shows quite a good amount of restraint when he has to."
Kate gulped and nodded and hoped, very, very much that her blush wasn't showing. Why is this happening?
"I really can't imagine it. Was there yelling involved?"
Black spots. She was seeing black spots in front of her eyes. If she wasn't so stunned, she might have even thought about telling Gates that it's private, none of her business. But she pretty much couldn't coherently think at this point. "Yell- uh – some. Can't really control it sometimes."
"Hmm.", Gates said, nodding in understanding. "I always thought he'd have found you too intimidating to even raise his voice, let alone scream. He must be bolder than I gave credit for."
The room was spinning. The Earth's changed its axis. It's doomsday. She must be lying in a coma in some hospital bed. Maybe she did fall off that building after all. Because even getting together with Castle was more believable that sitting here, discussing her sex life with Captain Gates. Why? Good Lord, why was Gates thinking about how bold Rick is?
"Anyway, that is exactly why I want him back at the precinct. That is, if he still wants to shadow you."
Good news, at last. Why would Gates think he didn't want to shadow her anymore? Then again, does she still want him to come back? And how on Earth is she going to explain this to Castle? Hey Castle, Gates wants you to come back to the precinct 'cause she's a dirty old voyeur? But, maybe they could face this together too. Having him by her side would be worth – ugh she doesn't even want to think about it. "I'm sure he'd be thrilled to come back."
"Good. Your team has had a high solve rate, so I suppose I can't make him out to be a distraction. And he has friends in higher places, so really if he wants back, I could hardly stop it anyway. Getting good publicity for the precinct does have its benefits I suppose.", Gates said in a tone that felt like the words were leaving her mouth rather reluctantly.
Wow. Compliments? Well, kind of compliments. Really? Maybe she really is still in bed. But she just pinched herself a few minutes ago. Felt real enough.
"That being said, detective, I need to know if you're okay with it. Will you still be able to work together like before?"
She didn't sit through any of this for nothing after all. She could get Castle back. No way was she throwing away this chance. So, they might have to ignore Gates staring, possibly. Oh my – Did she used to stare at them through the shutters of her office window. Kate fought of a mild way of nausea at the thought and hastened to answer.
"Yes, sir. I believe that it – everything we've been through – it can only have made us a better team.", she said with as much conviction as she could, possibly for convincing herself as much as Gates.
"Ah yes. I suppose that big explosion solved many issues."
OH MY GOD! Oh God oh God oh God! "Uh. Yeah, I guess it did."
"Well then I'm glad it happened. I'll expect to see him tomorrow. Now get back to work, detective. The murders are not going to solve themselves."
"Yes sir." After an awkward shuffle to the door, once she was out, she practically ran towards her desk. She was still seeing spots in front of her eyes – or seeing nothing at all – either one, when she collided into Ryan. Choke him or shoot him?
"Are you alright, Beckett? You look kind of sick.", he said, with a worried expression.
"Really?", she said flatly, hoping that Ryan would read it as the sarcasm that it was. Unfortunately, he didn't.
"Yeah. You're all pale and shaking, and you look like you're going to pass out."
What did he expect? "What the hell did you tell Gates, Ryan?", she practically growled out.
"Huh?"
"Don't play dumb. She told me you told her what happened between Castle and I. How did you even know?"
"Well it was pretty obvious."
It was – they were obvious? Kate's hand unconsciously made its way to her neck as if to hide a hickey.
"It was obvious?", she asked, slightly less angry, and much more confused.
"Yeah. I mean, what else were Espo and I supposed to think when you told us that Castle was off the team?"
Huh? "Huh?", she said with her brows scrunched up in confusion.
" – and I'm sorry that I told the captain, Kate. I had to. She wasn't willing to give me a team that day unless I told her exactly what was going on."
"She – you. You're talking about that day on the roof?"
"Yeah." He drew out the word and looked even more concerned about her sanity than before.
She was sure she needed an aspirin – or few – or several. She was also sure that she was blushing furiously because Ryan clearly noticed.
"So she – she thought that Castle and I were fighting?" She was going to tell Castle. She was. But now -
"Were? So you guys are okay now?", Ryan asked happily and grinned fully when she nodded. "Is that why she wanted to speak to you?"
"Yeah. She wants Castle to continue shadowing me."
That alone was going to make Castle happy with giddiness. He did not need to know about the conversation. He did not. No. No one ever needed to know about that conversation. It scared her a little that her mind jumped to where it had been while she was in there. Actually, come to think of it; it was all his fault. He'd messed with her mind. She sees innuendo everywhere. Even with Gates. Oh God. What was she thinking? Castle. Definitely his fault. He's rubbed off on her. Hah. NO! No! That was what got her into this whole mess. Not that it was a mess anywhere but her mind.
"That's great! You should call him up and tell him all about it."
"NO!" she yelled with her eyes wide, causing Ryan to jump back just a bit. She took another calming breath and said, "I mean, no. It would be better if I told him in person, don't you think? I think he'd appreciate that more."
"Okay. Yeah, I guess." he said and then added, "Are you sure you're okay, Beckett? I can cover for you for the day if you need to go – rest or something."
"No, no. I'm good. Thanks. I'll just… I'm going to go –", she said turning towards the break room, "- over there." And she walked off without further comment, and vowed never, never, to tell Castle the exact nature of the conversation that would bring him back to the precinct.