Disclaimer - This story contains parody of fairly famous religious stories. Those of a fragile religious persuasion should be warned that further reading may cause feelings of burning hate and blasphemy towards the writer. The writer himself takes no responsibility for aforementioned rage and insanity
A Very Yuri Nativity
Key:
INT - inside
EXT - outside
(sotto) - whispered
VO - Voice only
Cast
Daidouji TOMOYO as Joseph
Kinomoto SAKURA as Mary
SHIZURU Viola as The Messiah
Suzumiya HARUHI as Oharuhi sama
Asahina MIKURU as Angel Gabriel
Nanto YAYA as Shepherd(ess) #1
Okuwaka TSUBOMI as Shepherd(ess) #2
Konohana HIKARI as Shepherd(ess) #3
Ootori AMANE as Amane-sheep
Hanazono SHIZUMA as The innkeeper
Aoi NAGISA as The Innkeeper's little bit
Takamachi NANOHA as King Herod
Konoe KONOKA as Wise (wo)man #1
Sakurazaki SETSUNA as Wise (wo)man #2
EVANGELINE A K MacDowell as Wise (wo)man #3
SCENE 1
INT Carpenter's Shop, somewhere in Japan DAY. Various half finished wooden objects are scattered about. TOMOYO is working hard at the lathe. She pauses for a second and SAKURA hands her a damp cloth with which she wipes her brow. They smile lovingly at each other.
NARRATOR: Our story begins far away in the land of Japan; in the shop of this humble carpenter Daidouji Tomoyo and her betrothed, Sakura. Tomoyo was very skilled with the lathe and customers travelled from far and wide to sample her furniture and trinkets…
TOMOYO: (looking up) Actually, I don't make furniture any more, Narrator-san…
N: Really? But I thought…carpenter and all…What do you make then?
T: Well, I was making a chair leg one day and suddenly I thought - You know? This looks remarkably like a…
SAKURA coughs
T: So I thought, if I just fit this here and a few knobs and cams here…
She blows sawdust off a CERTAIN WOODEN OBJECT. She turns the handle. It wiggles. SAKURA blushes. TOMOYO smiles innocently.
N: Ahem. As I was saying…Tomoyo was betrothed to be married to Sakura, her beloved. But one night while she was washing her lingerie…
INT Washroom EVE. SAKURA is scrubbing some PRISTINE WHITE PANTIES on an old fashioned washboard
N: Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared in her blazing glory and Sakura was terrified.
MIKURU appears in a flash of light, complete with wire wings and crooked halo. She briefly adjusts her halo and clears her throat.
MIKURU: Do not be afraid for I bring good news. Your yuri deeds have brought you great favour with Oharuhi sama.
S: (kneeling) I am but an instrument of the will of Oharuhi sama.
M: Arise young Sakura. You have been chosen to bear a child and you shall name her Shizuru. She will bear the word of Yuri to all people and all with rejoice in her name.
S: (Confused) But how can this be for I am a lesbian and am to be married to another woman?
MIKURU'S halo slips and she pushes it back up and blushes
M: T-the holy spirit of Oharuhi sama will come upon your wife, a-and then…this…this and that..like…birds and bees…
MIKURU dissolves into mumbles and doesn't notice the sinister Figure approaching behind her until HARUHI glomps her and resumes her perpetual molestation of her love pillows.
HARUHI: What's taking you so long, Mikuru-chan? (She leans close to Mikuru's ear and breathes softly. MIKURU flinches) (sotto) You know what happens to naughty angels, don't you Mikuru?
MIKURU suddenly looks terrified.
M: I-I was just telling her that…how…she was going to…err…you know…without any…
H: Oh, that! (She lets go of Mikuru who collapses, exhausted). I just wave my hand and our wife grows an enormous *mmphll mphh mmph*
HARUHI removes MIKURU's hand from her mouth
H: Mikuru chan, what are you doing? This is important for her to know!
M: (Blushing) But to say it so bluntly is so embarassing!
HARUHI's eyes glint evilly
H: Mi-ku-ru-cha~~~n…
HARUHI pounces on MIKURU and they both disappear in a puff of celestial smoke
M: (VO) Iyaaaaaaaa~~~!
S: (shakes her head) I wonder what they were trying to tell me?
N: But as Sakura-chan finished washing her tiny white unmentionables, she found herself in for a shock…
SAKURA wipes her brow and turns to find an AMOROUS TOMOYO seductively leaning against the doorframe wearing a see-through nightgown.
T: Are you coming to bed, Sakura-chan? I have a surprise for you…
S: I'm just coming, Tomoyo-chan…(her eyes travel down Tomoyo's body) Oh Haruhi-sama what is…
TOMOYO is already in a running glomp towards her
T: Sakura-chan~~!
S: IYAAAAA!!!
INT bedroom NIGHT. TOMOYO is "smoking" a candy cigarette. SAKURA is curled up in the foetal position beside her shivering and talking in her sleep.
NARRATOR: And it was on that fateful night that the Child was conceived.
SAKURA (still sleeping): No!…Tomoyo-chan…not so..zzzz…not so hard…Not there! No…won't…fit…zzzz
TOMOYO grins
N: (sweatdrops) Let's hope that Tomoyo didn't do any permanent damage…
SCENE 2
BLACK CURTAIN - NARRATOR steps out from behind the curtain
N: A few months later, a letter was delivered to the both of them. It was a request for a census of the entire yuri world. Takamachi Nanoha, king AND queen of all yuri-kind had decided that a census be taken of the bust sizes of all girls; for her own personal records. And so each girl had to travel back to their own high school to be measured.
And so it was that Sakura and Tomoyo started the long journey back to Tokyo; for they had both gone to high school there.
CURTAIN lifts
EXT Outside St. Miator's Academy, DAY. A very pregnant SAKURA and TOMOYO wait patiently outside the gates, ringing the intercom. NARRATOR does a double take.
N: Wha? You're already here? But you only left two hours ago!
TOMOYO: (smiling sweetly) We took the Shinkansen!
N: But…Oh, never mind.
T: There's no way I was going to let my Sakura go the whole way on a donkey in her condition, was there?
SAKURA: (sweatdrops) Tomoyo chan…
N: Well, anyway! Even though they arrived two weeks early. (glares at TOMOYO who smiles innocently) when they reached the dorms they found that there was no place for the couple to stay…
EXT Outside Ichigosha dorms, DAY. SAKURA and TOMOYO stand outside the doorway blocked by SHIZUMA. She is defiant. Her long skirt ruffles.
SHIZUMA: I told you - there's no room at the dorms! What do you think this place is? A freaking Travelodge? You can't just turn up here in the middle of term and expect there to be a room for you two!
SHIZUMA's skirt ruffles
T: But we have travelled all this way, and my wife is heavily pregnant…
SHIZUMA looks at SAKURA who blushes. Her skirt ruffles. SHIZUMA opens her mouth to say something, thinks better of it and closes it again.
Sh:(after a pause) How is that even possible??
S: (embarrassed) Well…Oharuhi-sama's spirit…Tomoyo-chan's…erm…this and that…(fades into mumbles)
T: (sweetly) What she wants to say is that I was suffused with the spirit of Oharuhi-sama and I grew a great big…(SHIZUMA's skirt ruffles) What in Oharuhi-sama's name is going on under your skirt?
TOMOYO lifts up the dress. A very red faced NAGISA emerges, panting.
NAGISA: Please, Shizuma sama! I can't breathe under here!
Sh: No! You're not allowed out until you've served your punishment!
NAGISA whimpers and ducks back under the skirt. The skirt ruffles. SHIZUMA looks impassive.
T: I won't ask.
NARRATOR: And so, the couple were forced to stay in the nurse's office, since there was no room for them at the dorms. And soon, amongst the people who-had-a-fever-from-getting-cold-water-splashed-on-them and the couples-who-believe-that-medical-screens-are-soundproof, a baby girl was born unto them. And they named her Shizuru, for this is what the angel had told them.
INT Nurse's office, DAY. SAKURA is in the bed, cradling infant SHIZURU. She is feeding.
TOMOYO: she sure loves breastfeeding, doesn't she?
SAKURA sweatdrops.
NARRATOR: Far away across campus, three shepherdesses were tending to their flock…
EXT Field, DAY. YAYA, HIKARI and TSUBOMI are lazing under a huge chestnut tree. HIKARI is snoozing. Nearby, a single sheep who looks suspiciously like AMANE chews thoughtfully on some choice yawns and slips her arm around HIKARI's shoulder and into her top. HIKARI mutters something unintelligible in her sleep. TSUBOMI whacks YAYA with a harisen.
TSUBOMI: (indignant) Yaya-sempai! Stop molesting Hikari-sempai!
YAYA: Are you jealous,, Tsubomi-chan? She's so cute when she's asleep, isn't she?
Ts: Yes…I mean no! That's not what I was thinking!
Y: All you have to do is take your hands and…
YAYA grabs TSUBOMI's hands and places them firmly on HIKARI's breasts. HIKARI, for her part, decides that now is a good time to wake up.
HIKARI: Mmm is that you, Tsubomi-chan?
Ts: (so flustered that she forgets to remove her hands) No! I! Not what you're thinking! Definitely not molesting you! YAYA SEMPAI!!!
YAYA snickers. Not unlike Muttley.
NARRATOR: And as they worked hard tending their flock (glares at them, to no avail), an angel of Oharuhi-sama appeared to them in a blaze of the usual glory.
There is a FLASH and MIKURU appears, blushing a bit more than last time. Her hair is a little disheveled and there is a rather SUSPICIOUS RED MARK on her neck. She looks down at the scene below where YAYA has started to molest TSUBOMI from behind.
MIKURU: I bring great news from oHaru…hi. Oh, I see you're busy with (blushes) private things. I'll come back later.
Ts: (momentarily breaking free of YAYA's perverted hands) WAIT!
MIKURU turns
Ts: What news…STOP IT YAYA-SEMPAI….What news do you bring us from the great Oharuhi-sama - lord of all that is yuri?
M: (clears her throat) To us this day is born a saviour of all yuri-kind. Rejoice, for she is born; in a nurse's office for there was no room at the dorm. Travel ye now and worship her, then spread the word of what you have seen so that others may know of her presence. All praise to Oharuhi-sama.
All: Oharuhi-sama.
HARUHI appears in a puff of smoke.
HARUHI: Did some one call for me? (Notices MIKURU) Ah there you are, Mikuru-chan! I've been looking for you everywhere. There's this new thing that Tomoyo gave me from last time that I've just been dying to try out. On you, of course.
HARUHI grabs MIKURU by the wings and starts to drag her out of shot.
M: Auuu~~
Ha: Mikuru, stop complaining - I'm told some people like it up there…
They vanish.
HIKARI: We must travel to the nurse's office to offer our praises to the new born Saviour.
Ts: But what offering can we, humble shepherdesses hope to bring to such a great being?
They look at YAYA. YAYA doesn't say anything, but gets up and walks stealthily towards AMANE-SHEEP. Just at the last moment, AMANE-SHEEP notices YAYA approaching her, arms outstretched and makes a move to run in the opposite direction. YAYA zaps AMANE-SHEEP with a TASER and it collapses in a heap.
YAYA: I love being a shepherdess.
SCENE 3
INT Nurse' office, behind screen DAY. We hear the heated conversation of TOMOYO and SAKURA behind the screen as the 3 SHEPHERDESSES enter carrying a very unconscious and trussed up AMANE-SHEEP.
YAYA: Osu…
TSUBOMI: Pardon our intrusion…
SAKURA (VO): Stop it Tomoyo-chan, not here!
TOMOYO (VO): But Sakura-chan! I just want to use it while I still have it…so
S: (VO): Just stop pointing that thing at me!
HIKARI and TSUBOMI look at YAYA. YAYA wipes away a tiny rivulet of blood from her nose with the back of her hand.
Y: (calls) It seems you're busy, so we'll come back to visit the Messiah later if that's OK…
TOMOYO bounds out energetically from behind the curtain holding her ENTIRELY NON-PHALLIC CAMCORDER and pulls back the screens to reveal a cowering SAKURA. HIKARI and TSUBOMI sweatdrop and look at YAYA who shrugs.
T: (sweetly) Come right in!
The SHEPHERDESSES troup in, dragging AMANE-SHEEP behind them.
Ts: (kneeling) We were visited by an angel of Oharuhi-sama and told that a child of her kin had been born here and have come to worship her
Y: We offer this sheep in humble sacrifice…
AMANE-SHEEP bleats weakly.
T: That's really thoughtful of you, but we really don't need…a…sheep.
SAKURA shakes her head in agreement
Y: Aww, pretty pretty please?
SAKURA and TOMOYO both shake their heads
Y: Useless sheep.
YAYA kicks AMANE-SHEEP into the hallway. There is a crash, frenzied bleating and, inexplicably, a woman's scream. ALL sweatdrop
S: Would you like to hold her?
SAKURA hands SHIZURU to TSUBOMI. She gurgles appreciatively and scrabbles at her top. TSUBOMI blushes.
Ts: What is she doing?
S: (rolls eyes) She always goes straight for the milk…
SHIZURU pauses in her ministrations and looks up, catching TSUBOMI's eye. There is an almost unnoticeable flash of light. HIKARI takes SHIZURU from TSUBOMI's arms, but TSUBOMI remains rooted to the spot.
H: Who's a pretty girl then? (descends rapidly into baby babble)
Y: Are you alright, Tsubomi-chan? You look spooked…
TSUBOMI turns round slowly towards her. Suddenly her eyes YAYA who staggers back, surprised.
Ts: Yaya sem…pai!~~
Y: Tsubomi-chan…w-what are you doing?
YAYA glances over TSUBOMI's shoulder only to be double glomped by an equally amorous HIKARI who pushes her to the ground. HIJINKS commence
Y: Hikari-chan, Tsubomi-chan! Please, at least wait till we get home! Hikari! No! Bad girl! (There is a ripping sound) Those were my favourite panties damn you! Aargh!
SAKURA blushes and puts her hand over SHIZURU's eyes.
FADE TO BLACK. CURTAIN
NARRATOR: And after the hijinks and err… second helpings…and dessert hijinks were over with and the post-orgasmic laziess had passed, the overly amorous shepherdesses and their extremely aesthetically challenged sheep went out and told others of the miracles that they had witnessed there in the nurse's office…Or rather…Yaya ran round the school trying to escape her insatiable girlfriends and cursing the name of Oharuhi-sama…Which pretty much had the same effect.
YAYA runs out from between the curtain and hides behind the NARRATOR
YAYA: Please. Help me! I haven't slept for three days! Oharuhi-sama, why hast thou forsaken me? I'll never pray for a harem ever again! (There is the sound of running footsteps in the distance) Oharuhi-sama protect me, here they come again…
She runs off stage right. Shortly afterwards, HIKARI and TSUBOMI amble through the curtains. NARRATOR wordlessly points off stage right. They nod and exit stage right. There is a distant scream. NARRATOR clears her throat.
N: Ahem! And so our story continues in a far away land where three young wise women lived, who spent their lives in study and contemplation of the mysteries and conundrums of the universe…
SCENE 4
INT Workshop DAY. KONOKA is working on something at one of the workbenches, Suddenly, she raises her hands as if in victory and turns round towards the AUDIENCE.
KONOKA: Secchan come here I want you!
After a BEAT, SETSUNA runs in, redfaced and disheveled. She quickly adjusts a bra-strap that had slipped out of place and smoothes her crumpled shirt.
SETSUNA: What is it, Kono-chan?
K: Oh my Oharuhi-sama, I finished it!
S: Finished what, Kono-chan?
K: Only the greatest tool in yuri technology, Secchan! I mean, think about it, when I'm screwing you, I'm only screwing you half the time! The rest of the time I'm pulling out! But not with inwards strapons - see?
KONOKA hold up her invention, which is clearly two of TOMOYO's DEVICES strapped together with DUCT TAPE. SETSUNA looks skeptical.
S: Isn't that…two…you knows…stuck together?
K: No! It's so much more! There's also duct tape! And wheely things! And this is where the batteries go…
KONOKA continues explaining the ins and outs of the inward strapon to a rapidly flagging SETSUNA. EVANGELINE walks in, in a rather greater state of undress than SETSUNA. She is wearing a long shirt just over white lace panties. She grins evilly towards SETSUNA. SETSUNA blushes.
E: What in Oharuhi-sama's name are you making so much racket for? ...Sleep. No respect for one's elders; that's what's wrong with today's society…
KONOKA holds up the INWARD STRAPON, proudly. SETSUNA sweatdrops.
E: Is that…two…
K: It's my Inward Strapon! You see, when this part is going out…
E:(interrupting) Yes, yes. You know that was already invented in 1770? It was a big hit for a while, but people just didn't need that many…appendages.
BEAT. SETSUNA looks at KONOKA who looks like a VOLCANO OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
K: Damn you Evangeline! You've always got to spoil everything I create! Even my "Flavour your own Dental Dams" and my Portable Gaydar - you've always had something bad to say about them…
E: Well, for one thing, your Portable Gaydar was the size of a small pachyderm…
K: …on a trolley! It had a trolley!
E: …on a trolley. Never mind the fact that it also pointed out barn dances and Christian rock festivals. And whatever made you think that people would like haddock flavoured dental dams is probably illegal in at least five countries.
K:(quietly) You're fired from the Nativity.
E: What?
K: (louder) You heard me!
E: (angry) Who wants to be in this stupid Nativity anyway? I'm not even gay for Haruhi's sake.
S: (blushes) But what about last night? When you held me…and told me…you…loved me.
E: Oh please; you believed that? From me? You were the one with her tongue probing the depths the likes of which no one has gone before. That doesn't make me gay.
SETSUNA coughs and glances at KONOKA, but she has gone back to admiring her INWARD STRAPON.
K: What?
E: Never mind…
NARRATOR: Suddenly, the angel of the lord Haruhi-sama appeared with the voice of the heavenly host singing her praises.
MIKURU appears, looking distinctly more disheveled than before. She looks to have discarded her white robe for the moment in favour of a SCHOOL SWIMSUIT which is definitely at least two sizes too small. She tries her best to cover her womanly parts, but to no avail.
MIKURU: (stammers) I-I-I b-ring g-good news. A m-messiah h-has been born in S-St. Miator's A-academy in the E-east. Y-you must t-t-travel…(She pauses and whimpers).
Haruhi-sama, c-can I take t-this out now? It's b-been over s-s-six hours…
HARUHI: (VO) No way! Get on with it and get back here for your daily divine punishment!
MIKURU whimpers again. The others become aware of a subtle whirring sound.
K: What is that sound? Is that…is that an inward strapon?
MIKURU blushes and nods.
K: DAMN IT! OHARUHI-SAMA!
H:(VO) I'll pretend I didn't hear that!
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 5
NARRATOR: And so it was that the three wise women travelled to the east in search of the promised Child bearing gifts of great value. Though having been Interrupted in her Divine Task, the Angel had neglected to tell them how to find Her. Luckily, the aura of yuri contentment radiated out so strongly from the place that She was born that they only had to follow the cries of orgasmic fulfilment towards their goal.
But as they entered the land of Japan, the Evil king Nanoha heard tales of their journey and bade them pay tribute to her.
INT Castle throne room, DAY. NANOHA is seated in her throne, surrounded by scantily clad maidens fanning her with palm leaves. SETSUNA, KONOKA and EVANGELINE enter, bowing before her.
S: Noble Nanoha, king of all that you see, benefactor of all yuri since Sailor Moon and guardian of all scents piscine in nature, we welcome your invitation and bow our heads in tribute.
K: Great Nanoha, keeper of all wooden phallic objects, inventor of the numbers six and nine, triumphant conqueror of the cursed dental dam, we offer our sincerest praises in your name.
E: Immortal Nanoha, master of sodomy and yuriraper of innocents, greatest purveyor of the magazines of the top shelf, all powerful moderator of the XXXLESBIAN AOL chatrooms, primary profitmonger of premium rate telephone numbers, placer of over 1000 lonely hearts advertisements, abolisher of the minimum tip system for female prostitutes, lowerer of the minimum age for concubines…OW!
KONOKA slaps EVANGELINE upside the head. NANOHA looks at her, mildly annoyed.
NANOHA: Yes, yes enough of all that. Why do you come to this land, wise women? What do you come in search of?
K: The angels of Oharuhi sama have told us of a great saviour born to all yuri-kind. We have followed the sounds of orgasmic contentment for many hundreds of miles to this very city, in order to worship her and rejoice.
N: But surely not greater than I? Have I not given myself above and beyond the call of my royal status to further the contentment of lesbians everywhere?
S: You have, my liege, but the angels proclaimed that she would be born a child of Oharuhi-sama and a servant to no other.
N: (booms) A CHILD OF OHARUHI-SAMA?
NANOHA slumps back in her throne in shock.
N: Fan me harder! Where is my royal head concubine?
FATE enters the chamber shakily wearing a silky see-through shift which does nothing to conceal the fact that all she wears underneath is an intricate rope arrangement in place of underwear. Evidently walking was extremely pleasurable…or painful…or both.
FATE: Here, my lord.
N: Service me!
FATE starts to slowly dance, shedding parts of her skimpy outfit. NANOHA nods greedily in approval.
N: Bring me my Royal Sodomisation Device!
One other concubine enters, carrying a silver platter, on which rests something resembling the apparatus of a tribal fertility god. FATE looks terrified, but keeps dancing. Two concubines take the device and attach it to NANOHA who reclines lazily in her throne.
N: (to KONOKA, SETSUNA and EVANGELINE) Well, if this is the case, then you must continue your journey to find this child and rejoice! But afterwards, you must return here and tell me where to find Her so I too may visit her to bask in her heavenly glory.
All: It shall be done O plunderer of the great chocolate depths.
They get up to leave.
N: Fate-chan, come over here and sit in my lap…
FATE stops dancing and turns to look pleadingly at the retreating wise women, but only EVANGELINE notices.
F: (mouthing) .Me.
EVANGELINE shrugs
E: You're on your own, kid. I hear some people like it up there.
FATE whimpers
FADE to BLACK.
NARRATOR: And so the three wise women continued their onward journey, following the screams of yuri contentment to their source at St. Miator's academy. There, they found the girl exactly as the angel described; cradled lovingly in her mother's arms in a nurse's office and surrounded by girls in various states of undress.
INT Nurse's office, EVENING. SAKURA is sitting up in bed with a sleeping SHIZURU in her arms. She looks generally embarrassed. Around them are AMOROUS GIRLS IN VARIOUS STATES OF UNDRESS. TOMOYO is nipping amongst them peddling her wares. HIKARI and TSUBOMI lie contentedly on one of the other beds either side of a shell-shocked and broken YAYA. A large tub of VASELINE sits on the bedside table.
The three wise women enter
Se: We are three wise women from the west who have been visited by an angel of Oharuhi-sama who told us that a Saviour has been born unto us here and we have come to worship Her.
TOMOYO sidles up to KONOKA and proffers her wares.
To: I don't suppose you'd be interested in buying my latest invention? You see, when you press this button here, when this one is going out, this other one is…
KONOKA suddenly lashes out, sending the OBJECT skittering across the floor. TOMOYO scuttles after it muttering curses about wise women these days.
K: I knew I should have seduced that patent officer when I had the chance!
Se: (ignoring her) We come bearing gifts of great value…
KONOKA is digging around in her bag.
K: I bring my second greatest ever invention…the GOLD PLATED STRAPON OF MOVEMENT (patent pending)! The duct tape here secures a small motor which ensures that even when you're not moving, you are!
She gives it to SAKURA, who takes it with a rather forced smile.
Sa: Thank you, that was very thoughtful of you…
To: But you already have one I gave you…
Sa: Shut UP Tomoyo-chan!
TOMOYO turns to KONOKA just in time to receive a FLYING KONOKA TO THE FACE. The two fly into a heap behind the head of the bed. There is the sound of corporal punishment being dished out. ALL sweatdrop.
BEAT
Se: I bring…Frankincense flavoured personal lubricant! (reads from label) Guaranteed to keep you moist long after worship has concluded. (She gives it to SAKURA, who accepts it gracefully). I wouldn't actually eat it though, it tastes like feet.
Eva: And finally, I have brought…(she lugs a huge sack out of her travelbag) The Complete Hardcore Bondage Kit! Everything your child needs to become a professional dominatrix including ropes, cuffs, x-frame, bars, whips, paddles and tight fitting patent leather outfit complete with handy inward strapon!
Ko: (VO) I heard that!
Se: Eva, what happened to the myrrh scented dental dams we bought?
Eva: I returned them to Marks and Spencer - they were icky.
Se: I've told you before about buying presents for yourself instead of other people!
Eva: But this is what I wanted when I was little…
Se: What's a child born of heaven going to do with all that bondage equipment?
They look over to SHIZURU, who has woken up and has somehow managed to get SAKURA into a rather intricate Japanese Bondage pose with rope and handcuffs. SHIZURU gurgles appreciatively. ALL sweatdrop.
Eva: See!
Se: Oh, very well.
Sa: Would you like to hold her, since you came all this way to see her?
Se: We are barely worthy of such an honour.
Eva: (sotto) Especially you
Se: Shut up Eva.
Sa: (to SHIZURU): Shizuru, darling, would you unlock mummy's cuffs so she can let the lovely wise women hold you for a second?
SHIZURU screams happily. SAKURA rubs her sore freed wrists.
Sa: Here you are…
SAKURA hands SHIZURU to EVANGELINE, who takes her gently.
Eva: So you're the saviour, eh? What's so special about you then? (She holds her up. SHIZURU babbles appreciatively in her ear). Ah, that's an interesting proposition you make…It's not like I haven't considered it before, but those other two are closet prudes…(more babbling)…That easy, you say? And I can keep the tight leather catsuit?
She turns. SETSUNA and KONOKA are kneeling before her, heads bowed. TOMOYO is off to one side, nursing her wounds.
Se: Mistress, we only exist to serve your carnal urges.
Ko: We are but tools for your desire.
EVANGELINE looks back at SHIZURU who has gone back to sleep and is in the middle of blowing a record breaking spitbubble out of her nose.
Eva: I could get used to this…
FADE TO BLACK
INT Nurse's office NIGHT. All the girls are sleeping, even the insatiable TSUBOMI and HIKARI.
NARRATOR: And so, the wise women slept in the Nurse's office that night…Or perhaps more accurately, since there were no more beds, Evangeline slept on a mattress balanced on the backs of her two newly acquired yuri-slaves. But that night, they were all to share the same dream…
MIKURU: (VO) Evangeline….Evangeline, can you hear me?
Eva: Mmmhrhhmm. Sleeping…zzzz
M: Eva, WAKE UP!
Eva: (snores) Hnnrkrnnnnn…
MIKURU rolls EVANGELINE out of her makeshift bed onto the floor. EVANGELINE looks up blearily.
Eva: Wha? What are you doing here? And what's with that outfit?
MIKURU is wearing the SMALLEST G-STRING MONEY CAN BUY, two tassels and a blush the size of Mars. She seems unsure which part of herself to cover.
M: Oharuhi-sama made me wear this, it's not like I like…being…violated. (BEAT) Anyway, she told me to tell you not to go back and tell King Nanoha about the whereabouts of the child, since she will order Her death in order to protect her leadership.
Eva: Why the hell didn't you tell us that in your first vision instead of waking me up this early in the morning in such a ridiculous outfit.
M: (whines) Oharuhi-sama told me not to!
HARUHI:(appearing beside MIKURU) I ordered that bikini weeks ago, but it got delayed in the post!
Eva: Yeah, the mail service around Christmas is terrible…
H: Yeah, well basically, if you tell Nanoha about the Child, she dies, but if you don't, then she's going to murder all the infants in the kingdom. Your choice, really.
Eva: I make a habit of not caring either way.
H: Suit yourself. But you should have seen Mikuru's face when I told her to wear this to come and see you! It was priceless!
They disappear. EVANGELINE wakes up. SUNRISE.
Eva: Well, that was a pointless scene.
She gets off the makeshift bed and KONOKA and SETSUNA rise stiffly from underneath it.
Eva: We go, now.
Ko & Se: Yes mistress. (They busy themselves packing the various things)
SAKURA: Are you going, so soon? I thought that you would stay awhile longer, since you traveled so far to get here.
Eva: I'm afraid we are endangering your child the longer we stay here - the evil king Nanoha is after her blood. (to SHIZURU, quietly) And I guess I owe you one…
They move towards the door, but are thrown backwards by a HUGE EXPLOSION as the doorway explodes inwards.
Through the smoke, NANOHA strides in.
NANOHA: I'm afraid I can't let you do that…
SCENE 6
NANOHA: I'm afraid I can't let you do that…
Eva: You already said that…
Na: That was before the commercial break! As I was saying…
Eva: Hang on, what commercial break?
Na: You know, that bit where we all froze and the Narrator came on and said
"This Nativity is brought to you by the following sponsors: ABC Lawyers - bargain barristers for all your business blunders; Pee ando Geeto - sponsoring every anime since 1967 and Inward Strapons, the crazy fun new Christmas gift idea from Bandai Entertainment."
TOMOYO and KONOKA: Nooooooooooooooo…
Fifteen minutes later
To & Ko: …ooooooooooo…
NANOHA glances at her watch. Half the AUDIENCE have fallen asleep.
Na: Raging Heart, Squid launcher!
RAGING HEART: "ALL RIGHT MY MASTER"
KONOKA and TOMOYO's mouths are plugged with MAGICAL SQUID OF SILENCING.
Na: Ahh, that's better. Now, where were we before that pointless comedic diversion?
SHIZURU wakes and is rapidly shushed by SAKURA.
Na: That's it! I came to kill her! You came to take my kingdom from me after all I have done for anime lesbian relationships…Take this!
RH: "DIVINE SHOOTER"
Pink balls of energy gather around NANOHA and shoot out towards SHIZURU and SAKURA. At the last second, they glance off an invisible wall of energy and rebound destroying one of the curtains dramatically, revealing a COUPLE IN A ROMANTICALLY COMPROMISING SITUATION and destroying half the outside wall. Girls start screaming and run out of the room until only TOMOYO, SAKURA, SETSUNA, EVANGELINE, KONOKA and NANOHA are left.
The smoke slowly clears
Na: (sweatdrops) You're not bad, but your costume leaves little to the imagination…
SAKURA is still wearing her nightgown, but she has neglected to take off the bondage ropes SHIZURU tied her up with in the LAST SCENE. She looks down, impassively.
Sa: Sword! Release me…
Her wand transforms into a sword and the ropes instantly break, tumbling down around her in tatters.
Sa: So you want a fight, then, Nanoha-sama? Then I might give you the privilege of seeing my true power - before it vapourises you! Windy!
Na: Yeah, sorry about the wall…Ufff!
Air wraps around NANOHA, lifting her off the floor. SETSUNA rushes towards her, sword in hand. NANOHA closes her eyes in concentration.
Se: Rock Splitting Sword - ZAN GAN KE…
As the sword closes in on the seemingly helpless NANOHA, one pink ball zooms back through the hole in the wall and slams into SETSUNA's back, knocking her through the door with a crash. NANOHA slowly descends back towards the ground.
RH: "BIND BREAK"
SAKURA leaps at her wielding SWORD, but the blow glances off NANOHA's shield. SETSUNA attacks from the opposite side, but is blocked by another shield from NANOHA's left hand.
RH: "BARRIER BURST"
A burst of energy from NANOHA's left hand sends SETSUNA flying into one of the beds, knocking her unconscious. KONOKA rushes over to her. SAKURA leaps back out of NANOHA's range, sword raised. She glances over into the far corner, where EVANGELINE is munching on microwave popcorn. Behind her, TOMOYO has broken out the camcorder and is enthusiastically filming from every angle.
Sa: Tomoyo-chan, Not NOW!
To: But Sakura-chan, this kind of fight between magical girls never happens outside of crossover fanfiction! If I didn't record this, I'd never forgive myself…
SAKURA sighs and looks back towards NANOHA. RAGING HEART ejects two cartridges with a clunk.
RH: "AXEL SHOOTER"
Sa: Jump!
SAKURA gathers up SHIZURU in her arms and jumps out of the hole in the wall down to the courtyard below, followed hotly by seven of NANOHA's projectiles. The camera films through the hole as SAKURA jumps down.
Sa: Shadow! Eight decoys!
Mist condenses around her as she lands clearing to reveal nine identical SAKURAS. NANOHA jumps down nimbly as her energy bolts hit seven of them, dissipating harmlessly. As NANOHA lands, the two remaining SAKURAS leap towards her from either side, sword swinging.
Sa: Now! Shadow Cross!
There is a flash as the two slash simultaneously. SAKURA looks up at NANOHA, who is floating a hundred feet in the air. NANOHA puts her hand to her face where a shallow cut is just beginning to bleed and licks the blood from her finger. She raises RAGING HEART as three cartridges are ejected.
RH: "EXCELION MODE - EXCELION BUSTER, FORCE BURST"
SAKURA places SHIZURU on the ground behind her and Shield appears around her. She looks up again and closes her eyes. Her nightgown disappears instantly, replaced by a skintight red and black fighting leotard like costume with silver accessories obviously designed by TOMOYO. Up at the window, TOMOYO's nose starts to bleed uncontrollably.
Sa: Fly! Fiery! Make me a speeding comet to smite my enemy!
SAKURA launches herself upwards as her wings explode from her back in a cloud of feathers. Fiery appears briefly to envelop her in flames as she speeds towards NANOHA.
Na: Break SHOOT!
A wide beam issues forth from the tip of RAGING HEART towards SAKURA. As it hits her, it splits harmlessly asunder to SAKURA's outstretched sword. NANOHA smiles beatifically as SAKURA closes in on her at breakneck speed. There is an explosion of the pink variety.
As the smoke clears, SAKURA is floating where NANOHA was, frantically looking around for her foe, just as NANOHA teleports in behind her and puts her hand on her shoulder.
RH: "FLASH MOVE"
Na: That's the trouble with you close range fighters; I could have seen that coming ten years ago.
RH: "DIVINE BUSTER - POINT BLANK"
Sa: MOVE!
A pink flame issues briefly from NANOHA's hand, just as SAKURA winks out of existance and appears again a hundred yards away. She puts a hand to her shoulder and winces as she feels burnt flesh through a ragged hole in her costume. RAGING HEART opens to let off steam.
Sa: (breathless) And you device users…always with the quips. Who do you think you are, Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Na: You took a gamble, card user; expending your shield on the child and leaving yourself defenceless. Do you really think you can defeat me like this?
Sa: (angrily) And you, King Nanoha, what are you doing? Have you ever stopped to look at what you have become? You used to be a kind and benevolent ruler who always listened to her subjects, but what of you now? Indulging yourself in beautiful young virgins and fine wines as your citizens complain of rising taxes and your kingdom falls apart at the seams! And even now; bursting in here with murderous intent to kill an innocent baby girl! I cannot let this carry on, Nanoha!
The two circle each other, warily.
Na: Perhaps you are right, peasant girl. I have grown lazy in my ever-growing wealth and indeed, I must admit that the most microscopic amount of cellulite does grace the divine expanse of my thighs. But that child, that innocent child there threatens the very lifestyle we all now lead! Do you not see? By making yuri mainstream and out of the realms of subtext and pure fanservice, the whole magic of the subtextual relationship will be lost! Fans hoping for a quick yuri fanservice fix will be over-exposed to such a degree that it will no longer titillate them! Yuri as we know it will cease to be…special.
Sa: No, it is you that does not understand, Nanoha! You are just afraid of change - terrified that there will no longer be a place for you in this brave new yuri world…
SAKURA drops back into fighting stance.
Sa: Mirror! Mask my movements! Dash! Random evasion pattern!
RH: "SNIPE SHOT"
SAKURA splits into two and launches herself at NANOHA. Pink beams of light zoom past them as they dash zigzaggedly towards her. One glances off an arm, leaving a bleeding gash. Another hits a SAKURA full on, which explodes in a shower of green glowing particles.
Sa: (screams) Wood! Hold my enemy in place!
Tendrils of wood shoot up from the ground, binding NANOHA's arms and legs tightly. We see SAKURA's determined face as the sword flashes down in an arc towards NANOHA.
There is a splatter of blood, though it is not obvious from where. The view slowly clears…
SCENE 7
The view slowly swims into focus on the two girls locked in lethal embrace. On the left, a round shield extending from NANOHA's hand shimmers under the force of the sword blow. Around them, leaves and fragments of tree branches flutter broken in the breeze.
SAKURA coughs and blood splatters NANOHA's cheek and shoulder. The camera zooms out slightly and we see RAGING HEART's bayonet is embedded in SAKURA's chest. The tip protrudes below her right shoulder blade, blood drooling lazily down it.
RAGING HEART: " STRIKE FLAME RETRACT"
The blade disappears and SAKURA starts to fall toward the ground, unconscious. SETSUNA and KONOKA run out of the double doors into the courtyard.
KONOKA: Sakura-chan!
SETSUNA's wings flare as she catches SAKURA in mid air and lowers her gently to the ground. SAKURA groans and opens her eyes.
SAKURA: Setsuna….chan?
KONOKA and SETSUNA hug her tightly
NANOHA: I'm sorry to interrupt this obviously touching moment, but I'm afraid it's time to end this…
All three look up. NANOHA is almost obscured from view by the ridiculously huge ball of pink magical energy being gathered in front of her, aimed at the crying SHIZURU, at the opposite end of the courtyard from the other three.
Sa: SHIZURU!!!!
RH: "STARLIGHT BREAKER PLUS"
Na: (deadpan) Fire.
A voice from offstage: NO!
BARDISCHE: "DEFENSER PLUS"
Just as the beam leaps through the magic circle concentrating it below NANOHA, a YELLOW BLUR streaks in from offstage, positioning itself between NANOHA and the child.
Na: Fate! No!!
FATE takes the blast full on and strains mightily to maintain her shield as her hands burn and blister under the strain. After a good ten seconds, the shield shatters and FATE is thrown to the ground heavily as she is battered by the remains of the attack. NANOHA is instantly by her side, cradling her head in her arms.
Na: (crying) Fate-chan! Please hold on!
FATE: Nanoha….my…sweet Nanoha. Don't cry; it'll…be alright.
Na: I don't understand, Fate-chan…
F: My wonderful Nanoha…It's been too long since you came into power…You've forgotten it…the reason we fought so hard in the first place all those years ago. Don't you remember, Nanoha? Those long nights we spent, dreaming up our ideal world - one where you didn't need to be afraid to grab your best friend's breasts from behind; a world where you could accidentally-on-purpose walk in on her changing…One where you could love her in every way you wanted to?
What happened to her, Nanoha? I…miss…her.
FATE goes limp in NANOHA's arms.
Na: NOOOOOOO! Fate!!!!
A tear trickles down NANOHA's cheek and onto FATE's forehead. NANOHA slowly lowers FATE down to the ground and plants a kiss on her forehead, whispering something the audience can't hear. She stands and turns towards SAKURA, flicking the tears away with her sleeve.
Na: We will settle this in one blow. No shields. Full power.
SAKURA nods.
Ko: I can't heal you completely, but I can stop that bleeding…
A white glow surrounds SAKURA's wound and the bleeding wanes, then stops, though the edges still remain raw and jagged. SAKURA stands and grimaces.
Sa: Power. Fight. This is the last blow. I'm counting on you.
A green glow suffuses her as she hefts the sword in front of her.
Na: Raging Heart, Riot Blades. Divine Shooter stand by.
RH glows and separates into two long blades which NANOHA takes in each hand. Pink energy balls spawn and surround her.
SILENCE - a BEAT.
Suddenly, the two girls launch at each other, colliding mid-dash with a fantastic explosion of dust and debris. Their silhouettes slowly come into view as the dust settles.
The two girls eyes are locked together, faces inches apart. SAKURA has two more wounds on her left shoulder and abdomen which smoke through ripped fabric. NANOHA's right blade pierces straight through her right shoulder.
Na: I think…you win…
SAKURA pulls her blade out of NANOHA's chest and she slumps to her knees. A small rivulet of blood escapes from the corner of her mouth. NANOHA's eyes glaze as she looks through SAKURA to something or someone beyond her.
Na: Fate-chan…you were right…I was so blind. How did I get so far away from our dream? (She looks up at SAKURA) Thank you Kinomoto Sakura, for opening my eyes again…. It was not my place to halt the unrelenting tides of change. I…apologise for my actions. I know this cannot redeem me even one fraction of its worth but…perhaps…in time.
NANOHA coughs mightily and stains the ground bright scarlet.
Na: Please…take care of my kingdom. They deserve a leader who cares for them the way you care for that child.
SAKURA is shocked, but nods.
NANOHA crawls painfully over to where the prone FATE is still lying still and slowly lies down with her, holding her close.
Na: (sotto) I'm sorry Fate-chan…I'm on my way…
SILENCE for four BEATS
SETSUNA walks slowly over to them and closes their eyes.
FADE to BLACK.
Narrator: In the years that followed, Sakura and Tomoyo were made joint rulers over the kingdom that was formerly ruled by Nanoha. They were fair and righteous leaders that ruled with honesty and constantly listened to the needs of the people and they spread the good word of the New Yuri to everyone that they could. In time, Shizuru grew up to be a beautiful young heartbreaker of a woman and she was taught in the ways of the New Yuri so that she could go out in the world and preach to the unconverted, just as Oharuhi-sama had directed.
Unfortunately, on her 16th birthday, Shizuru was caught in the bedroom of a foreign princess by the name of Natsuki who she subsequently got pregnant and eloped with, leaving the Good Work to a thoroughly pissed off Sakura and Tomoyo.
Haruhi (VO): Darn! I knew I shouldn't have made that thing genetically inherited!
Narrator: And so it came to be that the prophecy was upheld, for although the promised child played no part in Oharuhi-sama's great plan, it was the very act of saving her that saved the world.
THE END