Phantom Nini gave me the idea of a South Park version of Little Red Riding Hood, and I thought the idea was awesome, so here it is. Phantom Nini, you deserve a cookie.
Disclaimer: Don't own SP or Little Red Riding Hood.
Warning: Cursing, as you know, it's South Park.
()()()()()()()()()()
"Now Kyle, you know Grandma is very sick, right?" Sheila said, putting some things into a basket.
"Uh-huh" replied Kyle with a nod.
"Well, she lives out in the middle of the forest, and no cars can get out there, so I'll need you to walk to Grandma's and give her these groceries" Sheila handed the heavy basket to Kyle, who struggled to hold it with its huge weight.
"Ugh, Mom, what the hell is in this? A rhino?" Kyle complained.
Sheila crossed her arms, and said "Kyle, you know rightly that there are no rhinos in Colorado, and that a rhino couldn't fit in that basket"
Kyle rolled his eyes, and pulled on his scarf.
"Hey mom, why does Grandma live in the middle of the forest?" Kyle asked curiously.
Sheila looked at him in surprise, and answered "I'm not sure, Bubbe"
Kyle groaned at the use of his stupid nickname, and left the house.
He kicked a pile of snow as he kept walking down the path leading to the forest. It looked dark and creepy, but Kyle entered without hesitation.
Snow drooped from the pine trees surrounding him, and snowflakes gently fell from above the treetops. There was a sense of calm and peace in the forest, and Kyle relaxed. There was something about the forest made him feel slightly nervous though.
He had the weirdest feeling that someone was watching him. It was probably just a bird or a squirrel, or some other creature, but still, something made him feel…..awkward.
He continued walking along the snowy path, making footprints in the snow. He turned to look at the path, and then realised something.
He was lost.
"Oh shit, were do I go now?" panicked Kyle, worried that he might be lost in the forest for a long time, I mean, the forest was huge!
He tried to find any familiar landmarks, but the snow was falling down fast. He couldn't even see his past footprints!
"Hello! Is anyone out here?" He called, but only his echo replied. He was all alone.
He tried going down a steep hill path, but ended up falling and sliding down it on his ass. Great, now he was stuck at the bottom of a hill and he couldn't get up.
Then, he heard crunching footsteps. Kyle felt scared, and yet relieved that he wasn't alone.
The footsteps got louder, and a chubby boy with a blue and yellow hat approached him.
"So, I'm guessing you're lost, and need directions" He said, as if he'd read Kyle's mind.
"Yeah, do you know if anyone lives out here? My mom sent me to give these groceries to my grandma who lives out here, but I got lost" Kyle replied.
The boy thought for a second, and answered "Oh yes, Mrs Broflovski! I know her! Just follow that path over there, and don't stray off it, and you'll be there! Oh, and let me introduce myself, I'm Cartman"
Cartman flashed a mischievous grin and held out his hand for Kyle to shake.
"Thanks, and my name's Kyle" said Kyle, shaking Cartman's hand.
"You wouldn't happen to have any Cheesy-Poofs in that basket, would you?" asked Cartman, looking hungrily at the basket.
"I do, but I can't give you any, sorry. My mom would take a physco if she finds out I gave food to a stranger" Kyle said apologetically.
"Ok then, that's OK. By the way, that path over there will take you to your grandma's loads quicker" Cartman said, pointing to another path.
"Thanks dude," said Kyle, heading off to the other path.
"Well, I'll get those cheesy poofs, no matter what!" muttered Cartman, grinning evilly, as he took the short cut Kyle was supposed to take.
Cartman laughed when he thought of Kyle's face when he realised that his path wasn't so short at all.
Cartman kept walking along the snowy path, until he reached a tiny cottage, which looked like it belonged to some fairy-tale.
"Hello Mrs Broflovski!" called Cartman, as he entered the cottage, and pulled out his pocket knife.
Mrs Broflovski lay perfectly still in bed. Her wrinkled skin was deathly pale, and her eyes were shut.
Cartman tiptoed over to her, and checked her pulse.
"Holy fuck, she's already dead! Well, saves me doing it" exclaimed Cartman.
He slung the frail old woman over his shoulder and stuffed her corpse in the cupboard.
Then, he snuggled into the cosy bed, pulled the covers over his head, and held his knife carefully in his hand, waiting for Kyle to arrive with the Cheesy Poofs. He drooled at the thought of his favourite food.
()()()()()()()()()()()()
"God, this was a shortcut?" thought Kyle, as he stumbled through the long rocky path. How long had he been walking? It had to be half an hour at least.
Then, in the far distance, Kyle saw a small puff of smoke. His hopes built up, and he charged towards the smoke, almost slipping on the snow several times.
Soon, he found himself standing outside his grandma's cottage.
"Grandma, it's me, Kyle" He whispered softly, opening the door.
Inside, he found a large lump under the covers of his grandma's bed. He set the basket on the table, relieved to let go of the weight. Then, he went over to his sleeping Grandma, and shook her gently on the shoulder.
He pulled the blankets down a bit, and yelped out in fear as Cartman sprang at him, with a gleaming knife.
"C-Cartman? What the fuck are you doing here? Where's Grandma?" asked a panicked Kyle, backing away from Cartman.
"I've come for my cheesy poofs, Kahl" hissed Cartman wickedly.
Kyle ran to the basket, got the cheesy poofs, and threw them at Cartman.
"W-what did you do to Grandma?" Kyle said, eying the knife in worry.
"Well Kahl, I shall show you" said Cartman, pulling Kyle over to the closet.
Cartman flung it open, and Kyle stared in shock at his grandma's corpse. He instantly burst into tears, but Cartman didn't care. He just pushed Kyle into the closet and shut the door.
Kyle, in shock and panic, just stayed still for a while. This gave Cartman just enough time to barricade the closet door with all types of furniture, leaving a frightened Kyle inside.
Satisfied, Cartman left the house with the cheesy poofs.
Kyle whimpered in fear. He was trapped in a dark closet with his dead grandma, how could he not? Was Cartman just gonna leave him here to starve to death?
He hoped not.
"Hello? Is anyone out there? Help me, please!" yelled Kyle, but his screams were unheard…
()()()()()()()()()()()()
Stan sighed as he chucked another load of sticks into his sack. His dad had decided to be an 'eco legend', and wanted to power the house with only firewood, so poor Stan had to collect it from the woods.
As he decided to go home, he heard frightened cries. The voice! It was so….familiar…
Out of curiosity, Stan went to investigate. He followed the screams to a little cottage, with the door left wide open. He went inside, to find a range of furniture surrounding a closet.
"H...hello? Who's there?" asked Kyle. Stan instantly recognised the voice.
"KYLE! Holy fuck dude, what happened?" Shouted Stan, beginning to push the furniture away.
"Erm, I was bringing groceries to my Grandma, and this guy called Cartman gave me directions, coz I was lost, but when I got here, he killed my grandma, shut me in here and ran off with the cheesy poofs!" cried Kyle.
Stan raised an eyebrow in confusion. Cartman killed someone just for cheesy poofs? That was…wrong on so many levels.
Pushing away a cabinet, Stan opened the closet, and Kyle tumbled out, but was luckily caught by Stan.
"Thanks dude" He said, getting up. Kyle looked at his Grandma's corpse. He was never really close to her, but now she was dead, he wished he'd spent more time with her.
"C'mon Kyle, let's get you home" Stan said, putting his arm around Kyle.
They walked through the dense forest, until they got back to the neighbourhood.
Stan and Kyle went into Kyle's house, and explained what had happened to Sheila. Sheila called the police, and they searched for Cartman.
They found him eventually, dead, in the middle of the forest. He'd choked on a cheesy poof. How ironic.
And so folks, that's the end of this shitty little fairy-tale!
()()()()()()()()()()()
Matt looked at Trey.
"God, that's a shitty episode" Said Matt, tossing the story into the waste paper basket.
"Yea, I agree. Let's go get a McDonalds!" said Trey.
And then, Matt and Trey went to McDonalds to get Mc Flurries.
Hope you enjoyed it! Please review!
Lots of Luv (and Mc Flurries) from xXCookieDoughXx