Eternal Sunshine of the Thoughtless Mind

A Webfoot/McCawber Story

By: Amanda J. Rohrssen

There was never a more beautiful July day that graced the city than the day of Elizabeth Webfoot's 26th birthday. The sky was cloudless, the streets were clear, the air was fresh, and Audubon Bay was sparkling like a blanket of blue crystals. Though the atmosphere was tranquil and calm – an unusual occurrence in such a busy metropolis – Ariana's mind was racing nonstop.

Over and over the list ran in her head. Had she confirmed the reservation? Did she remember to invite everyone? Was her present wrapped? Was it even something Beth would like? What if Beth hated it? What if she hated the surprise party? Had everyone RSVPed?

It wasn't until she reached the stoop of Beth's front door that she decided that worrying was getting her nowhere. Her knock was so soft that it barely registered on Beth's ears, but as soon as the brunette answered, a bright smile lit up her face.

"Ariana!"

Ever since Beth had moved to Avian Way, she hadn't been able to see her friend as often as she would have liked. Still, they made it a point to see one another at least once a week to catch up.

Ariana smiled broadly, and daintily stepped over the threshold. "Happy Birthday!"

"Thank you," Beth replied, her expression mirroring Ariana's.

Before stepping in Ariana had noticed that the sun was heading toward the western horizon. It wouldn't be long until the limo arrived to take them to The Pond, one of the most elegant and upscale restaurants in Saint Canard. She couldn't wait to see the look on Beth's face.

"Are you having a good day so far?" Ariana asked.

She liked Beth. Since they had met a few months ago, Beth had struck Ariana as one of the most genuine and friendly people that she had come across, and they had quickly become close friends. The smoothness with which they had settled into each other's lives was strange for the both of them, as each of them had been hurt before by friendships gone wrong. Ariana was always too trusting too soon, while Beth had learned never to trust anyone. Neither had ever felt in their time together that they ever had to question or doubt the other, and it was a new and welcome experience for them both.

"Pretty good," Beth replied. "I got a cake at work... How was your day?" Beth neglected to mention how forgotten she'd felt before Ariana had arrived. Except for her co-workers, who barely noticed her on any other day, no one had seemed to remember her birthday at all.

"It's good now that I get to see you," Ariana said brightly.

Beth smiled almost bashfully at the "get to see you" part, not because she thought it wasn't true, but because she knew Ariana meant it, and it was very flattering to have someone think that much of her company.

Ariana fidgeted nervously, trying not to make furtive glances out of the window to see if the limo had arrived. "What kind of a cake was it?"

"Carrot."

"Oh, I like that kind."

"Me too," Beth said thoughtfully. "But not as much as triple chocolate drizzle, although I really like raspberry tart, too, have you ever tried it? It's really kind of a sweet and sour taste. Oooo, and then there's marble cake…"

While Beth rambled on about what kinds of cake she liked, Ariana raised an eyebrow and couldn't help but smile. One of Beth's quirks was to talk in needless detail when she wasn't sure of what else to say. For Ariana, who spoke very little and preferred to listen, this trait of Beth's meshed easily with hers.

The doorbell startled them both.

Since Ariana was nearest the door, she pulled it open to reveal a familiar red-headed duck wearing a chauffeur uniform.

Beth blinked twice, then smiled. "Launchpad?"

"That's me, heh, heh," the chauffeur grinned. "You guys ready to head out?"

"Yeah!" Ariana chimed in, pulling Beth excitedly toward the limo.

Beth could hardly move her legs she was so surprised. "You both planned this, huh? Is this my birthday present?"

"Yep!" Launchpad nodded. "An' just wait'll ya get to the – umph!"

Ariana had nudged him in the side, and he remembered that it was a surprise party.

"The what?" Beth questioned, looking increasingly curious. "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere…"Ariana replied innocently. "Just get in!"

The twenty minute drive toward The Pond seemed to take forever as excitement built within the limousine. Neither Beth nor Ariana had ever ridden in one before, and both were more than happy to explore every facet of the luxury vehicle. Launchpad kept the divider down so that he could see and talk to them while driving, up until they hit a red light about ten blocks from the restaurant.

"Hey, what's this do?"

The divider steadily went up.

"Oh!" continued Beth's voice from behind the partition. "Okay, that makes sense. I wonder what this one does…"

A large semi pulled up beside the limo, its diesel engine rumbling loudly enough that it drowned out the 70's music station that Launchpad had turned on. Even though he couldn't hear the music any longer, he continued to hum the chorus cheerily to himself and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.

In the backseat, the atmosphere was entirely different. The side doors opened wide, revealing an odd handful of avians wearing dingy yellow suits and egg-shaped helmets. Ariana and Beth shrank back into their seats, their surprised expressions matching each other.

"H-hello," Beth stumbled, glancing sideways at her friend before looking back at the strange Eggmen. "I think you may have the wrong car. Who are you looking for?"

The Eggmen's heads swiveled from side to side, then the one in the front smiled dopily. "We're looking for you!"

The light turned green, and the limo pulled away from the intersection. Launchpad didn't hear anything coming from the backseat, and with the partition up he figured the girls wanted some privacy.

Beth and Ariana watched their ride disappear into the darkness. The occupants of the surrounding vehicles paid little heed to the cluster of avians on the sidewalk. Neither one of the girls dared to scream for help as the Eggmen prodded them in the back with revolvers. It wasn't until they were led into an alleyway that they saw a mammoth van, in front of which stood an impatient rooster wearing an immaculate white Armani suit.

"It's about time youse boys got back," he snapped as his shiny shoe tapping against the grimy pavement. I was beginnin' ta think yas got lost."

"Daaah, we didn't get lost, Steelbeak, but we did find the girl ya wanted!"

Grunts of agreement fluttered through the group of Eggmen, and both of the young women found themselves being pushed toward the smug-looking rooster. Ariana glanced up with a sharp gasp when she realized that the fowl's beak was made entirely of metal. The shine of moonlight that glinted off of it as he spoke made him appear all the more sinister.

"Well, well, well, Miss West, what's a ridiculously wealthy goil such as your—" He cut himself off and bent down to scrutinize Beth's face. She gulped, trying not to tremble.

"Who-who's Miss West?" she ventured.

His beady black eyes narrowed at her, then swerved to glower at Ariana. She cowed backward. Steelbeak shook his head with a click of his tongue.

"Now boys," he said as sweetly as his pinched voice could muster, "you didn't just go an' grab the first coupla goils ya saw, didja?"

The Eggmen looked at one another and shook their heads in unison. "No, boss, we used da photo you gave us." The shortest Eggman dug in his pocket for the photo and handed it to the red-combed fowl. "An' we waited for a fancy car, like you said."

Steelbeak held up the photo for comparison. Aside from the fact that one woman was blonde and the other brunette, there was very little if any similarities between the picture and the Eggmen's hostages. The rooster was growing increasingly agitated.

"Do dese look like debutants to you??"

Muttering erupted from the lackeys, followed by a lot of head-scratching and shrugging. Steelbeak slapped a hand to his forehead and slid it down his cream-colored face.

"Get rid of'em!" he snarled.

The women gasped and backed up against the gritty brick wall of the alleyway as the Eggmen closed in on them with eager grins. Steelbeak, meanwhile, spritzed himself carelessly with the last bit of his cologne, and tossed the empty container on the ground.

"This'll be fun…" the front Eggman drawled as he neared Beth and Ariana.

"Y-you know what would be more fun?" Beth stammered meekly. "An amusement park…o-or reading a technical manual! Well, I think that would be fun, you might not necessarily…"

Her remarks made Steelbeak's eyebrows twitch, and he pushed himself to the forefront to glare at Beth, who swallowed her breath.

"Hey…I know you," the metal-mouthed rooster said slowly. "You're one of Darkwing Doofus' fangirls…"

Beth tried to argue, but her suddenly flushed cheeks betrayed her. Steelbeak straightened to his full height and grinned slyly.

"Good woik, boys…we got ourselves a coupla hostages dat'll rope in an even bigger prize…"

"Okay, ladies, ready for a night on the town?"

With grandiose flair, Launchpad swept open the door of the limo and waited patiently for Ariana and Beth to make their entrance.

Only, they didn't.

"Psst, guys! That's your cue!"

He smiled nervously at the rest of the party, who had chosen to wait outside and surprise Beth rather than do it at the table. From the middle of the group, Drake pushed past and stalked to the front.

"Well, where are they?"

Launchpad scratched his head. "Gee, I dunno, Drake, they were here when we left."

Drake raised a skeptical eyebrow and climbed inside of the backseat, looking for anything suspicious. There wasn't much to see, except…

"Their purses are still here," he muttered to himself. Then something else caught his eye. "Launchpad, why is the partition raised?"

"Oh, that," Launchpad replied sheepishly. "I thought maybe they wanted some privacy. Y'know…to talk about girl stuff."

Drake rolled his eyes, growing impatient. "How long has it been up?"

"Maybe fifteen minutes, I guess…why?"

"Because," Drake responded lowly, "it means that that was the last time anybody saw them…" He backed out of the back seat and eyed his friend. "This looks like a missing persons case…exactly the type of case for…

"…Darkwing Duck!" When Drake had finished his sentence, both he and his sidekick were already out on the streets looking for any sign of either Ariana or Beth. Drake had since changed into hero attire, and with the Ratcatcher cruising beneath them, the masked mallard felt confident that he would clear up this mystery in no time. After all, how much trouble could two young women get themselves into in fifteen minutes?"

"You'll never get away with this, Steelbeak!" Ariana cried, finding a bit of courage in her and Beth's predicament.

The FOWL agent chuckled derisively. "I neva get tired a you do-gooders sayin' dat."

The two friends glanced at each other warily, both knowing the other was praying silently for the same thing. A courageous rescue from Darkwing Duck.

"An' if you're countin' on dat dunce Darkwing ta save yas…good. I want dat pat'etic excuse fer a hero here so's he kin be one of da first ta try out FOWL's latest diabolical gizmo, ehehehehehehe." His laugh was like nails on a chalkboard, and both girls sighed in relief when he stopped suddenly. "But foist t'ings foist. We gotta make sure it woiks before our guest of honor arrives. Eggmen! Fire up da machine! Maybe one a youse chickies'd like ta be our guinea pig?"

Without waiting for any type of response, the rooster grinned sadistically and grabbed Ariana by the part of her arm that wasn't tied down to her sides.

"No! Let me go!" she cried, trying to struggle. With her upper limbs tied behind her back, it made balance difficult, and Steelbeak led her easily outside and into a fenced-in area.

"Bring out de udda one," called the cock over his shoulder as he forced Ariana's bindings around a single post in the middle of the plot, "so she kin watch 'er friend get toined inta fried chicken…"

It wasn't long before Beth was shoved out into the open, and her eyes met Ariana's.

"Ari!"

Ariana wanted to respond with something encouraging, something that would ease Beth's worry and make everything all right. But even if the right words had sprung to her bill, her throat was too constricted with fear and with the threat of tears to free her voice. She only stared at her friend, and hoped the look conveyed how much Beth had meant to her over the last few months.

A dull hum filled the air, a sound which became louder and louder with each passing second until it was a cacophony so ubiquitous that it was impossible to tell where it was coming from.

Then they saw it.

It was what looked to be a gigantic ray gun being wheeled toward them, its elongated nozzle aimed steadily at Ariana. She gulped and stared, wide-eyed, at the approaching weapon, having no idea what it might do to her.

"Dis baby is an atmosphere distorta. Eva hear a dose harmful UV rays? De ones dat kin cause skin cancer? Well, wit' dis machine FOWL kin harness de powa a dose rays an' toin'em on our enemies! Maybe even make da hole in de ozone laya a little wida! Hope yas brought yer sunscreen, ehehehehehehe…"

Beth raised an eyebrow. "But won't you be affected, too?"

Steelbeak's face soured. "What are ya, Mr. Wizard? A course not. De rays only affect dose we point de distorta at. Ain't dat somet'in? An' when we toin de ozone against da woild, we're gonna be livin' de high life undaground while da rest a you morons suffa, ehehehehehe…dat is, unless we git 100 gazillion samolians."

"That's not even a real amount," Beth argued.

Steelbeak was about to snap something back at Beth, but he was interrupted by a loud whirring sound. He looked toward the atmosphere distorter, alarm etched in his cream-colored feathers.

"Daaah, it is supposed ta do that, Steelbeak?" one of the Eggmen questioned.

"No, it ain't supposed ta do dat!" the rooster thundered agitatedly. "What's goin' on? What's wrong wit' it?"

Suddenly the machine sputtered and smoked, electricity sparking in each crevice, until it gave a high-pitched electronic squeal, and died.

"Stupid piece a junk!" Steelbeak fumed and kicked the metal weapon. "An' we ain't go no one here ta fix it!"

"Well, it's simple, really," Beth chimed in without thinking. "It sounds like all you need is a new rotator cuff and a binding sprocket."

"Oh really…?" The FOWL agent turned to face her, a cunning expression on his sinister face. "You t'ink you kin fix dis t'ing?"

She shrugged through the ropes holding her. "I could always try. I mean, I can't really guarantee anything because it's not like I'm a rocket scientist or anything, but I do like technology and—"

Steelbeak clamped her lips together with his fingers. "Din yas had betta get ta woik…or else yer little friend here is toast."

Eggmen came up on either side of Ariana, both pointing rifles at her skull. Beth wished she'd have kept her mouth shut.

"You're sure this is where you last saw them?" Darkwing asked.

"Yeah," Launchpad responded with worry in his tone. "Right before the screen went up. You think they left to do something else?"

Darkwing eyed his sidekick skeptically. "On the way to Beth's birthday party? Not likely. Besides, where would they go? It's all doctors' offices and office supply stores for blocks!"

With a thoughtful grunt, the hero pulled out his trusty magnifying glass and began scouring the sidewalks for any clue as to the whereabouts of Beth and Ariana. Launchpad sighed and slumped against the sidecar, hoping against hope that those two were okay. His stomach rumbled aggravatedly, but he was too worried to eat. His gaze wandered over the pavement as thoughts of Beth invaded his mind, thoughts of all of the horrible situations that she could be in and he wasn't there to help her.

It wasn't until Darkwing was ready to move on that Launchpad spied something that sparkled beneath the dim streetlight.

"Hey DW…" He bent down to pick it up and study it. "This looks like one of the earrings Ariana was wearing when I picked them up."

"Lemme see that!" The masked mallard snatched it out of his sidekick's hand to get a better look. "So they were out here…good work, LP! Now we just need to figure out what happened after they got out of the limo."

"Will that help, DW?"

The hero surveyed what Launchpad was pointing to, and his eyes lit up. It was an empty bottle of English Feather. "Launchpad, do you realize what this means?!"

"Uh…they went to buy some more perfume?"

Darkwing shook his head patiently. "Nooooo, it means that Beth and Ariana are in the clutches of none other than Steelbeak of FOWL!"

"Gee, DW, how can you tell all that from an empty bottle?"

"Elementary, my dear LP. This bottle once contained English Feather cologne, and he's the only felon I know who would wear such an obviously cheap knock-off."

"Wow. Good thinkin', DW! But how do we know where Steelbeak took the girls?"

"That's where it gets tricky," the hero replied thoughtfully. "At some point, that conniving criminal is going to want to gloat…and he'll probably try to lure me there using them as bait."

"So what do we do?"

Darkwing moved over toward the Ratcatcher and plopped definitively on the seat. "We wait."

"There," said Beth as she wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of a greasy forearm. "Finished."

"Good," Steelbeak responded. His beady black eyes gleamed with malice. "Now we kin kick-start FOWL's plan foist by gettin' ridda dat no account do-gooda, Darkwing Duck!"

"No!" Ariana shouted from across the room, where she was tied to a pillar. "You leave him alone!"

"Oh? And whaddaya gonna do about it, chicky? Ehehehehehe…yer a little tied up at da moment."

He sauntered over to a wide desktop littered with flashing lights and colorful buttons while his Eggmen tied up Beth again. After adjusting the dials, Steelbeak moved in front of a large camera, which had seemingly appeared out of nowhere, and straightened the lapels of his jacket. The Eggmen set up the atmosphere distorter behind him, then dispersed to various equipment stations. The one manning the camera counted down from three with his fingers, then pointed at Steelbeak.

"Ah-ah-ahem," began the rooster. "Attention citizens of St. Canard! Dis is de one an' only Steelbeak speakin', an' unless yas wanna fry foist an' pay lata." He paused for dramatic effect, then smiled smugly. "I didn't t'ink so."

The cameraman panned out to reveal the atmosphere distorter, and the rooster sauntered up to it nonchalantly.

"Unless youse hand ova 100 gazillion ta FOWL by noon today, we'll use dis little doohickey here ta spread a nasty bout a UV rays ova da city…dere won't be a single person in St. Canard wit'out skin cancer, ehehehehehehe…" The camera swung around to focus on Beth and Ariana. "If yas t'ink we're bluffin'...would ya really wanna risk it? We gotta set a poifectly good guinea pigs right 'ere."

He laughed his annoying tinny laugh once more, the camera moving closer and closer toward him until it bonked the FOWL agent right between the eyes.

"OW!" he cried, putting a hand to his head and glowering at the Eggman behind the device. "Watch it, will ya?"

The television stream was cut off, and from where he sat on the Ratcatcher, Darkwing narrowed his eyes at the mini-TV in its dashboard. "So that's their scheme! Threatening the citizens of St. Canard with skin cancer unless they hand over a made-up some of cash. How despicable, how diabolical, how devious!"

"How about devilish, derisive, disgusting –"

"Desist!" He eyed his sidekick warningly, then pushed his helmet onto his head.

"Gee DW, now we know what FOWL's plan is, but we still don't know where to find the girls!"

"Au contraire, we know exactly where they are!"

"We do?"

"Didn't you notice the white-washed walls and the dingy PERSONNEL ONLY signs?"

"Well, I…"

"Never mind. It's obvious Steelbeak and his men are hold up in the abandoned military base across the bay. We have to rescue Ariana and Beth and stop Steelbeak before noon!"

"What time is it now, DW?"

Darkwing glanced at his watch, though the steadily rising sun was enough of a tipoff. "Just past seven…"

"Okay," said Steelbeak as he bowed over both of the tied hostages. "I t'ink two hours is plenty a time ta wait. Which one a youse wants ta be da foist to die a slow an' painful death?"

"I volunteer you, Steelbeak…!" a voice boomed in the far corner.

The rooster wheeled around to see a cloud of blue smoke forming, and he grinned. "It's about time…"

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the sunscreen that shields against the destructive rays of evil! I am…Darkwing Duck! And I'm here to put a stop to your little cancer scheme…"

"Oh really? Stop dis!"

Steelbeak ran behind the atmosphere distorter and started it up. With a thunderous roar, the weapon came to life, and the villain aimed it directly at the masked mallard. The inner coil glowed a fierce red, and the tip of the gun emanated invisible waves that warped the air surrounding it. Suddenly, a bright violet beam spurted out of the gun, and Darkwing narrowly missed being assaulted with it. He ducked and dodged and flipped every which way in order to evade the beam, and Steelbeak quickly grew frustrated.

"Hold still!" he shouted. It was then that he seemed to remember the hostages, and he turned the distorter toward them and prepared to fire. "Well, if I can't get ridda you, I'll get ridda dem!"

"The only thing you're getting is a one-way trip to prison!" declared the hero as he leapt in between the gun and the girls at the last second. The beam hit Darkwing square in the chest, and he doubled over as if in extreme pain.

"Gotcha!" Steelbeak hooted in triumph.

"Dra—Darkwing!" Beth cried, nearly panic-stricken.

Out of the corner of his eye, the hero gave her a subtle wink that he was faking. Confused, she glanced beside her to see if anyone else was, and noticed that Ariana was free of her restraints. Crouched behind her was Launchpad with a small knife in his hand, and when their eyes met he smiled in relief and gave her a small wave before motioning for her to keep quiet while he let her loose.

"Launchpad!"

But Beth's cry came too late. An Eggman had snuck up behind the pilot and hit him over the head with the butt of a rifle.

"Dat's it, boys!" Steelbeak cheered. "Take'em down! Ehehehehe…"

Darkwing stumbled around the room, gasping and whimpering pathetically. "Oh, the pain…!"

But Steelbeak wasn't completely buying into Darkwing's overly dramatic death act and was determined to make sure his rival was bumped off for good. Once again, he aimed the atmosphere distorter at the caped crusader.

"Just ta make doubly sure yas don't come back like de cockroach dat you are!"

Darkwing gulped, giving up the act. "Yipes!"

While the hero was busy with Steelbeak, Ariana untied Beth.

"Here, put this on!" Darkwing shouted, tossing a tube of something toward them.

Ariana caught it just in time to turn around and squeeze some of the white liquid onto a nearby Eggman's visor.

"Duhh, hey! I can't see!" He stumbled into a few of his comrades, momentarily putting them out of commission.

"Good thinking!" Beth said, and Ariana smiled.

"Thanks." The two of them spurted the liquid on themselves and only then did they realize that it was sunscreen.

"Hey!" Beth observed, taking the tube and looking it over. "I didn't know they made SPF's this high!"

"They don't!" Darkwing explained between dodges. "I had it specially made at SHUSH! Dah!" He tucked and rolled behind a pillar, escaping Steelbeak's wrath for the moment.

Another Eggman came lumbering toward Ariana and Beth, and Beth took the opportunity to duplicate Ariana's earlier action. Unable to see, the Eggman wobbled backward toward the distorter, flailing, and crashed into Steelbeak, pitching him from the machine's controls.

"You idiot!!" the rooster roared. He jumped to his feet and stormed toward Darkwing's hiding place, where the hero had been contemplating his next move.

Just when Darkwing was about to act, he heard something screech like metal scraping metal, and it wasn't until he peered around the corner that he realized it was FOWL's weapon. Beth was now at the controls, and once she was finished entering what she wanted, she jumped off of the platform.

"Come on!" she yelled, motioning toward the door. "I set it to self-destruct! We have to get out of here now!"

Darkwing narrowly escaped a forceful punch from Steelbeak, and he ran to help the girls drag Launchpad out of harm's way.

"Oh no ya don't, Darkwing Doofus!" Steelbeak thundered. "You're not gettin' away dat easy!"

Luckily, the three of them managed to keep ahead of Steelbeak even with the weight of an unconscious sidekick, and once they'd exited the building, Darkwing locked the door behind them.

"You know what they say," he taunted the FOWL agent on the other side. "If you can't stand the heat…don't mess with Darkwing Duck!"

"Are you sure that's right?" Beth asked skeptically. "I don't think that's the saying. Although who can be really sure what 'they' say when we don't even know who 'they' are? I mean –"

"Okay, Beth," Darkwing interrupted her, gritting his teeth, but he ego quickly recovered. "The point is, once again, the city is safe, thanks to…Darkwiiiiing –"

A huge explosion rocked the area, tossing all of the avians off of their feet. The building shook and shuttered, and some debris crumbled and flew up into the air, creating a large cloud of gray dust.

"Whoa," Launchpad mumbled, slowly coming to. "Somebody get the number a that bus?"

"What happened to Steelbeak and his men?" Ariana asked quietly. "They're not…dead, are they?"

Beth shook her head. "I don't think so. The machine was too small to cause too much bodily damage. It just looks bad because the building was old."

"But won't they all have skin cancer now?" Launchpad asked, becoming more lucid. "I mean, that's what the machine was for, right?"

"Right," Beth replied. "But they won't have anything nearly as bad as skin cancer. When I was up there, I…altered it a bit."

From the wreckage of half of the military building, Steelbeak and his Eggmen hissed and groaned. Their suits were in rags, their brains felt scrambled, their ears rang…and every inch of their bodies was sunburned.

Author's Note: This story was done as a gift for Zebeckras. It in no way is correlated to either of our Darkwing universes, but I thought it would be cute regardless. At any rate, I know Zebeckras liked it, and that's all that matters. :)

Ariana McCawber (C) me, Amanda Rohrssen
Beth Webfoot (C) Zebeckras