I couldn't believe what Rosalie was telling me. I felt pain beyond imaginable limits, and doubled over in the hoard of it. I felt like I was drowning, not in literal terms, but the physical pain was terrible and I started gasping from the darkness that shrouded my vision. It was horrible. Like the only small flickering light in my head went out, and all that was left was pitch black confusion in my brain. I could only remember clips of who I was. What had happened. Why I was in such mental distress. Then it all hit me in the back like a gun shot. Bella, my beautiful, peaceful angel, committed suicide because I was a monster. I had left her to try to give her a happy, normal life. I had lied to her and told her I didn't love her, and she believed me all too willingly. She believed so much that she committed suicide. Because of me. Because I was the unstoppable, uncontrollable monster I was. I was sprawled on the forest floor unseeing as I clenched the phone in my hand.

"Edward? Edward! Don't do anything crazy! Carlisle wants you home to have a family meeting before you go psycho-" Bitch. I next to never curse, but she deserved that. If only I had said it aloud. I hung up. On life, on the phone. I became a living rock and I stayed like that, in fetal position, thinking and unmoving. I want to die. To be with Bella. To avenge Bella. I was weeping tear less sobs the whole time. My unbeating heart felt like a molecule, and my whole chest was a huge jagged hole left by Bella.She was my life, and everything I ever cared for. I started remembering the times I hated most, like the time she was bitten by-

No. Painful thoughts are bad. Planning death is good.

There is only one possible way to kill vampires, and I couldn't do it alone. None of my family would help. There was always that wolf pack back in Forks. Ew. I think I'd rather live. There was always a new born vampire who felt vicious toward intruders. No. But then I had another idea. The Volterra would do it. They would probably kill me the minute I asked. Suddenly, I wondered in Alice would view my future. I quickly changed my mind. I will live. I declared falsely in my head. It hurt so much to pretend. I didn't want to fake at all. But I didn't want to be rescued, either. I made up a false plan in my head to lead them off trail. I'm going to Antarctica so I can hide and be a coward of the world in peace. I stuck to my false plan for...well I can't say 'dear life' so I'd say death. I even bought the tickets for Antarctica AND for England. I kept my plan plain. I'm going to Antarctica, and the tickets to England are for later, when I'm not so crazy. It was hard to even walk like a normal person, let alone a vampire without anything at all inside me. All of my insides had fallen out the instant Rosalie broke the news. Why Bella, darling? Why did you kill yourself for me?

I got on the plane without a word and the flight attendant noticed my distress, along with everyone else. Lucky, when people are in distress they can become utterly pale. I, was at the stage of snow white.

"You gonna be okay sweetie?" The attendant asked in a nasally voice. She was short and stout, with glasses and red hair in a bad perm.

"Yes," I managed to whisper at human level. She nodded and moved on. I couldn't help but hear her thoughts. What a hottie. Even if he is a... well... not a dansil but sir or something like that in distress.

I couldn't help but smile at the absurd thought of myself as a dansil in distress. Big puffy dress and all.

I sat thinking about all the good times I had had with Bella. Our first kiss,the first time in the meadow, the first time I showed her why I couldn't go out like normal people on a sunny day. She had enjoyed them all. I had too, but I started to wonder other things. Why had he smelled so good to me? Why couldn't i hear her thoughts? Why did I leave her thinking it was better for her? I starred out the plane window transfixed with my thought process. Then it hit me like a boulder. I couldn't answer these questions. Then I wondered something completely absurd and out of the normal ,coming from my brain. What is it like to not be a one hundred eight year old virgin stuck in the body of a seven teen year old boy? I smacked my head on the window at the thought, and several people, okay well all the people around me started to stare. I didn't care. What was my brain doing to me? Bella wasn't possibly that in love with me anyway and I couldn't have it if I wanted to-

But she committed suicide for you. The tiny realistic part of my brain speaking finally spoke up. I was glad to be going into more of a normal state of mind. I really was crazy! I couldn't wait to die, I suddenly remembered. This whole time I had been shaking, gasping for breath quietly, even though it was totally unnecessary. I felt like my lungs would implode if I didn't. My few successful breaths were ragged, and there was a huge, gaping hole in my chest where Bella and her beautiful angel heart had belonged. Bella. Wait for me. I'm so sorry!

A/N: Hi! This is one experiment of a fan fiction I hope people will read and be enthralled by. Edward's point of perspective in New Moon when he finds out that Bella "committed suicide". He's a wreck, and I really didn't convey what I wanted to in this thoroughly. Review and I will touch it up and post more. Thanks. Oh, and sorry if he's a little OOC. Been awhile since I read the book.