Afterwards

Rated M

"No."

After one hour of bickering, pleading, and yelling, this is the only answer Haymitch can get out of me.

"Sweetheart, I know-"

"No, Haymitch." I've lost my temper now. I'm standing up out of my chair glaring at them both. "I'm not going. I can't see them again. And I'm not going where she died."

Haymitch is tactful enough to know who "she" is. Peeta is calm, but this just makes me angrier. Shouldn't he be on my side? To think the Capitol wants us there for a one-year "celebration" of peace. Just after they kicked us out for going crazy after the war.

Haymitch throws his hands in the air and collapses in the chair. Peeta stands up and takes over, "Katniss-" he begins, but I storm out of the room and run straight to my bed. I don't want to go back to the Capitol, can't they realize that?

After an hour, maybe two, I hear the door downstairs opening. That's when I know the discussion is over. Haymitch has given up trying to persuade me, and I'm sure Peeta will. Peeta's probably given up on everything that has to do with me. After all, now he knows who I truly am. A threat. Manipulative. Self-centered.

And there's nothing I can do to change it.

I'm surprised when Peeta insists on staying home. He claims that the bakery needs work, but I can tell he's lying. Then I realize that he's staying for me. That he actually does want to go and see the rebirth of this country.

I can't stop him from doing that.

"Peeta," I tell him, "it's all right. I'll take care of the bakery for you. There's no point in you staying here while Haymitch goes out and gets himself drunk. Go and make District 12 look at least half-decent to the Capitol."

The one good thing the Hunger Games has done to me is to make me an actress. I deliberately target this request at Peeta in the night when he's tired and his leg occasionally pains him. Maybe if it were in the day, he would have protested. Instead he nods and dozes off to sleep. In the bed in his house. Not mine.

Peeta and Haymitch leave in the hovercraft the next morning. Haymitch gives me a funny look as he exits. For a minute, I think I see pain in Peeta's eyes. But I just continue waving and wear an artificial smile.

Time seems to slow down without the two of them. I continue to work on the book just to get through the day. Truthfully, I just want to blend in the surroundings. Fade away into the walls. Remove any trace of my existence. I try not to go to sleep though. Because I know sleep means seeing the faces of those I've killed again.

At eight o'clock, I truly start to pay attention. The television depicts Peeta and Haymitch greeting a crowd. Peeta is smiling, though I can tell it's forced. Was this why it took me so long to "convince" Snow? That it was so obvious we were lying on television? The ceremony continues on and on. I don't trust the television though. I don't think I ever will.

After trying to sleep for two hours, I give up and start writing in the book again. Haymitch said they would be there for seven more days. I don't think I can last that long.

But it doesn't matter. Because three days later, a headline appears on the television screen: ANTI-CAPITOL PROTESTERS CAUSE RIOTS. My blood stops running, and have difficulty keeping up with the story. Apparently some former supporters of Snow didn't like the celebrations. They started to protest, and fights broke out. I struggle to breath as I think of what's happening. Peeta is in the Capitol. There are fights in the Capitol.

And I'm right here in District 12 watching it all happen.

I don't know what to do.

I saw it happen to all I loved. The instability of government lashing out at everyone. Rue first. Then Gale. Then Madge. And then...her.

But who was left now? My mother is in District 4, serving patients and forgetting that she has a daughter. Haymitch and Peeta are in... the last place I want them to be.

But I've seen it all happen. And I'm no longer going to be a witness. I didn't fight a war just to risk everyone again.

The question now is how? How can I get to the Capitol at this point? The hovercrafts have departed days ago. That only leaves... the train.

Luckily, few people need to leave the District now. After all, no one wants to go back to District 13 or the Capitol. It'll take a while before people move on to that step. The journey takes hours, but the hours are needles to my legs. I can't sleep, eat, or talk. All I can do is think, think about what I'll find when I go to the Capitol.

The minute the train stops, I run. I don't even to bother to notice where I am; I just take off. The Training Center seems larger than I remember it to be. I search the rooms where we stayed before the games. Nothing. I search more frantically. At last, I exit the building and run on the streets. With the whole town dark, the streets are unoccupied. How odd. Were the news fake after all? Still, I don't stop. There were only three locations Peeta stayed in while staying in the Capitol: Tigris's home, the building before the Games, and... Snow's mansion.

The City Center is hard to pass. The only thing is I don't know any other route to the mansion. But the darkness is comforting as that I don't have to see the ground where I stood many months ago. I sprint through the ground, hoping to enter Snow's mansion without notice. Something else throws me off as well: the doors are unlocked, open, and unguarded. I quietly slip into the mansion. And then I notice it. The changes to the walls, the furniture, everything. Clearly this is a government building now.

The voices of the crowds gathered become louder. I try not to attract too much attention as I run upstairs. Then I pause. There must be hundreds of rooms in here. How do I know which one is Peeta's? Better yet, how do I even know if Peeta's here? I could ask someone, but if my appearance caused a shock... then there might be more riots.

I just have to search every room then. The weariness that started in the train begins to kick in. After looking through one story of rooms, my head spins, and I collapse on the stairs. I struggle not to do something stupid, like sob or scream. I'm distinctly aware of hands, warm hands, helping me up to my feet. For once, I don't struggle; I don't have the energy to do so. I immediately recognize the touch, but only once I reach his room I turn around to look at Peeta.

"YOU!" I yell, surprising myself. Why am I shouting at him? Peeta raises his eyebrows.

"What about me? And what are you doing here? I thought you were going to stay home," he says.

"There were riots here!" I can't believe the intensity of my voice. "And you didn't have the decency to come back or tell me if you were all right!" I try to calm myself down and stop shaking. It's not his fault. After all, I am the one who insisted he go.

"The news was exaggerating," he calmly replies. "Some former supporters of Snow were upset, but there weren't too many fights. No deaths or anything. The worst was a broken nose. Paylor settled things with them this morning."

This morning.

So Peeta had been safe after all. I had interrupted my sleep, took a train, and searched a few buildings for nothing.

Peeta scrunches his eyebrows at the sight of me. "Katniss, why did you come here?"

I stammer as I answer: "Because...I-I didn't know if. . .you were all right. And-." The room has suddenly become stuffier. I struggle to keep my head up.

Peeta suddenly looks angry. He takes my hands into his and stares me down: "Katniss, if anything happens to me, promise me one thing."

"What?"

"You'll go one with your life and put me behind."

The reality of Peeta's question slams me in the face. It's as if he's telling me that he's not worth much n my life, not worth enough to make an impact in my mind.

Usually Peeta is right when it comes to people. But this time I know he's wrong.

"No." I say the word forcefully, more forcefully than I've ever said anything. "I won't. I tried that before, and it didn't work. And-" I hesitate when I say this, "I-I know who I can't survive without."

Peeta is in shock. He stares at me as if he can't believe what I just said. His arms reach out for me, and I automatically embrace him. I pull him closer to me, trying to take in every part of him I can: his hair, his skin, his hands. My fingers dig into his back, and I moan slightly. Automatically, our lips meet. An electrical sensation travels down my spine as I pull him in. Our bodies fit perfectly as his arms hold us together.

Peeta doesn't break our embrace, even as I pull both of us into his bed. My hands continue to explore his body, from his hair to his face to his shirt. Without knowing what I'm doing, I start to unfasten the buttons one by one. Peeta murmurs something, but I stop his lips with mine. I shrug off his shirt, and I can't help but experience the sensation in my hands by running my fingers down his chest. His hands land on my shoulders but hesitate to move further.

"Katniss," he says, "Are you sure-"

"More than I've ever been," I say. I feel his fingers twitching along my shoulders. My shirt comes off next, leaving almost nothing between us. The warmth radiating from our bodies leaves me longing for more. Somehow, over the next minute, we both stand naked. Our legs come together and intertwine. His lips become more demanding on mine as we come together under the blankets. All I feel is a burning passion for the person I want now more than anything. I lower my head, and our kisses harden from the force exerted by both of us in the blankets. At last our bodies unite, and I feel him enter me. Underneath the heat I feel nothing but longing-longing for Peeta, as if I can never have enough.

And I know this is the person I need in my life. Not now, but forever.

So, later he asks me, "You love me. Real or not real?"

I don't even hesitate when I say, "Real."