Written with my sister Pinkhatter.
It was a large room, a study, the kind of study middle-aged men dreamed of, with a huge varnished mahogany desk and a high backed leather chair. It all seemed unnecessarily intimidating to Ronaldo, who was sitting on a tiny chair on the other side of the desk, his blueprints and plans clutched to his chest. A sole Newton's Cradle ticked away on the desk, it's clicking noise filling the silent room.
Ronaldo checked his watch, he had come over early to impress, but it was now way past the agreed upon meeting time. Just as he was considering whether to give up and leave the door behind him opened and a tall young man strode in, head high, his over-conditioned hair rippled with every movement. He was flanked by two identical goons, both were dressed like they had slithered off the set of "The Jersey Shore."
The young heir flung himself into the leather chair, propping his feet on the table and looking down his pointy nose at Ronaldo.
"Well?" he said " Impress me!"
Ronaldo stood up quickly to show Gordon Gibble his plans. He stumbled and fell, scattering the blueprints across the room. Gordie's bark-like laughs echoed in Ronaldo's ears.
"Loser! Is this the best you can do?"
Ronaldo's face flushed red with anger. He got up and glared at Gordie, who continued laughing.
"I hear that Buttowski beat you in the race again this year."
That snapped Gordie's jaw shut.
"How many years in a row does that make it? …Five? …Six?"
Ronaldo smiled wickedly at the range of angy expressions that flashed across Gordie's face.
"So?" He spat " What's you point?"
"I could help change that." Ronaldo answered slowly. He wanted the words to sink in.
"How?"
"With science, of course."
"Bah!" Gordie threw up his hands in frustration " Not another crackpot!"
As if on cue, Gordie's goons stepped forward.
"W-w-wait!" Ronaldo hopped back "Those plans you see before you," he gestured dramatically at the floor " They are designs for a robot that can destroy Kick Buttowski!"
"Destroy him?" Gordie leaned forward " What are you? a comic book villain?"
Ronaldo smirked, "Something like that…" feeling in control of the situation, he sat back down.
"You hate him, don't you?" he asked "his arrogance, his impudence?
"Oooh yeah!" Gordie exclaimed, narrowing his eyes."He's such an annoying little freak!"
"Exactly! and don't you want him gone?"
"yeah…" Gordie breathed, staring at nothing as if he was expecting an epiphany.
"All I need is your funding and I can make it happen." Ronaldo explained "We can make it happen."
Gordie scratched his chin "No more Buttowski stealing my spotlight? I like the sound of that! Ok, deal! "
A slow maniacal smile spread across Ronaldo's face. " Excellent. You won't be disappointed" He laughed, a small throaty chuckle that rose in pitch and volume and was downright diabolical.
"I'd better not be." Gordie muttered as Ronaldo's laugh ended in a snort.
*****
Early morning light bathed the sombre house at the end of Edison avenue. It glinted off the grey slate roof and invaded the house through it high arched windows waking up the young scientist inside.
He blinked blearily in the sunlight then hid his face in his pillow. He hadn't been in the mood for sunshine and mornings for weeks.
With a sigh, he gave up on sleeping and reached blindly for his glasses, he plopped them on slightly skewed and went to the bathroom.
The house was silent but Ronaldo hadn't expected it to be otherwise. His parents, used to having a child who could take care of himself, were away on a trip to Fiji.
He brushed his teeth then went down for breakfast.
"Where's my robot?" The sudden demand made Ronaldo nearly jump out of his skin with a scream. Gordon Gibble was in his kitchen, eating cornflakes, having milk poured for him by one of his goons.
Ronaldo clutched at his heart. "What are you doing in my house?" He squealed.
Gordon didn't reply instead he gave Ronaldo a withering look and snorted. "Nice pyjamas, nerd!"
Ronaldo looked down at his red button-up jammies, they had racing cars on them. He blushed angrily.
"What do you want?"
"My robot! You said you'd make me a robot!" Gordie whined.
"That was yesterday!"
"So?'
Ronaldo stared at Gordie in disblief. "No-one can build a robot in a day!"
Gordie chewed his cornflakes slowly, Ronaldo hoped he was absorbing this knowledge.
"I didn't give you money so you can sit around and NOT build me my robot!" He finally said.
"I wasn't just sitting around! I'll have you know I'm still waiting on parts."
"More Berry Dangerous Crunch!" Gordie demanded. His minions were quick to pull out the box of brand cereal and refill his bowl. One made to add more milk when Gordie smacked his hand away, sending the milk flying. Ronaldo grimaced as it splattered all over his kitchen floor.
"FULL fat milk? Are you crazy!" Gordon shrieked. "Skimmed milk only!"
The goon with unfocused eyes burst into tears.
Sighing, Ronaldo took a box of skimmed milk out of his fridge and handed it to Gordie. "You do understand that a robot can't be built in a day."
"OfcourseIunderstand!" Gordie retorted in one breath. "I'm not stupid!"
Ronaldo made sure to to turn away before he rolled his eyes, he couldn't risk losing his funding.
"So, back to business." Gordie said. "What can the robot do?"
"It can't DO anything. I Haven't built it yet!"
"Let me rephrase that question, can it phase through walls?"
Ronaldo blinked. "….what?"
"How can you expect the robot to 'destroy Kick Buttowski' if it can't phase through walls?"
"It's not physically possible for anything or anybody to phase through walls!" Ronaldo sputtered.
"Kick Buttowski can." Gordie said, sounding convinced that this is a fact.
"No he can't!"
"Pffft! Of course he CAN!"
"How do you know this?"
"I have my sources."
"Listen I don't think-"
"This robot has to beat Kick Buttowski!" Gordie interrupted, throwing a binder at Ronaldo, who, surprisingly, caught it.
"What's this?"
"A list of all the things Kick Buttowski can do. We need our robot to be better."
Ronaldo opened the binder and began reading aloud.
"Number one, fit in a bread box." He burst into laughter, the others joined in.
"Number two." Ronaldo choked out. "Fit into a hamster ball."
"That's a good one!" Sniggered one of the goons.
"I know right?" Gordie chuckled proudly. "Read the next one!" He waved a hand in Ronaldo's direction.
"Four, successfully impersonate a toddler." Ronaldo laughed so hard tears streamed out of his eyes, but he, somehow, didn't feel like laughing anymore when Gordie proudly proclaimed. "I am sooooo funny!"
Finally getting serious he flipped the page to the real list.
"Parkour, hold breath for six minutes, drink cheeta chug upside down, surfing, sky diving, paragliding, skateboarding, diving, horse riding, hog tying..wait a minute! Hog tying?"
Gordie nodded seriously.
Ronaldo shrugged and continued reading aloud. "Wind surfing, ect, ect.."
Ronaldo read page after page after page of Kick Buttowski's known skills. The more he read the more exhausted he felt. from wakeboarding to the physically impossible Kick could do it all. "Ok, ok wait." He pleaded hopelessly. "Kick can phase through walls, fly AND split like a amoeba?"
"DUH!" Replied Gordie.
Ronaldo stared at the list before him. It would be easy to shrug them off as baseless facts IF he hadn't seen Kick drive through a granite wall a few years ago, using nothing but a go-cart and steely eyed determination.
"Also," Gordie added sounding like a school girl sharing a terrible secret. " I heard that if you say his name three times infront of a mirror that fat kid, Gunther, turns up behind you but I didn't add that part because it's creepy."
Even if it was all rumors, Ronaldo continued his train of thought without missing a beat, Gordie was right it would take a really powerful robot to defeat Buttowski. his current plans were not good enough. He'd have to start over. Create something that had never been done before, break the mold of robotic engineering, drink a metric ton of coffee.
Was is worth it? Did he want Kick dead THAT badly?
Yes.
Yes, he did.
"Very well," He said narrowing his eyes. " I will create THE MOST AMAZING ROBOT EVER CREATED and DESTROY KICK BUTTOWSKI! Mwahahah!"
"hyeah, thanks to my help!" Added Gordie the buzz kill.
*****
Gordie didn't know much, he didn't need to know much. What he did know was that he was an amazing person and a joy to be around so he didn't understand why Ronaldo was so huffy whenever he visited. He was only trying to make sure that his money didn't go to a lost cause. Plus, he was helping!
Ronaldo redrew his plans, filled three whiteboards and a notebook with complicated symbols Gordie didn't recognize, mixed chemicals and welded night and day.
But Gordie did all the HARD work, he ordered take out, gave Ronaldo rad suggestions that the ungrateful nerd claimed were impossible, he broke a vase by accident and tried to cover it up by claiming it was ugly.
So, all in all, he didn't deserve all this snippiness. Ronaldo was creepy lil freak anyway. Every time he started to look overwhelmed by his workload he would shuffle over to a drawer in the the corner of the lab, look inside, then resume his work with renewed vigour.
Gordon didn't know what was in that drawer, Ronaldo wouldn't let him near it, he had come to the conclusion that it was a severed head.
"Could you, PLEASE, move?' Ronaldo croaked.
Gordie glared up at him. He was lying on one of Ronaldo's work tables with his head hanging off one side while he blogged on his iPhone.
"I'm not done blogging!" He whined.
Ronaldo pressed his fingers to his temple trying to stem a headache. "I NEED that table." He growled.
"Well, wait till I finish!" Gordie huffed typing away. He turned his iPhone in Ronaldo's direction and snapped a picture. The sudden flash made Ronaldo squeal and cover his eyes.
Well, that's what he gets for sitting in the dark all the time, thought Gordie, as he uploaded the picture on his blog and added the caption. "What a loserfreak!"
Then something occurred to the socialite, Ronaldo was still rubbing his eyes and the mysterious drawer was unguarded. Knowing that a picture of a severed head on his blog would rake in tons of views he made a beeline towards the drawer iPhone at the ready.
He was disappointed to find that there was no head, just a picture of a girl. She was pretty in a snooty way with long hair, she had her hands clasped to the side of her face and was gracing the camera with the most adoring smile.
"Who's the chick?' He asked.
"NONE OR YOUR BUSINESS!" Ronaldo roared slamming the drawer shut of Gordie's fingers.
"OW!"
With a sinking feeling Ronaldo realized that he had just attacked his own financial backer. "I mean.." He quavered while Gordie sucked pathetically on his fingers. "It's nothing important!" He gently pushed Gordie away from the drawer. "Why don't you go and sit.." He paused, eyes searching for a place that wasn't covered in plans and metal parts. "..sit somewhere."
Gordie glared at Ronaldo.
"I've been nothing but nice to you and this is how you repay me!"
Ronaldo paused. He had no idea how Gordie had even reached that conclusion.
"You? Nice?"
"What? You don't think I'm nice?"
"No, no! Sorry! You've been nothing but an angel!"
"Damn right!"
"So why don't you go take a seat while I continue working on our robot?"
"MY robot!"
"Your robot, of course"
Gordie smirked as he went to find himself a place to sit. This was one of the things he actually liked about the loser-freak, he knew how to kiss-ass, and he was good at it. Gordie mildly considered hiring them as a secretary, but thought against it. Secretaries were supposed to be sexy, and Ronaldo was in no way that.
"So who's this dumb broad, anyway?" Gordie asked again, once he was safely out of Ronaldo's reach.
"Kendall is not dumb!" Ronaldo cried, looking as though he'd been slapped in the face.
"She is the most intelligent woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, you should attend her debates they'll send shivers down you're spine." Ronaldo shuddered, as if the thought of some girl yapping turned him on. It probably did, Gordie mused as Ronaldo continues defending his beloved.
"Where I excelled in physics and robotics, she excelled in chemistry and literature. Indeed, she was my other half. My one true love. She fueled the blood that ran through my veins."
"Yuck!"
"Yes, we were just like the Curries our love was in itself a scientific breakthrough."
"So what happened?" Gordie asked.
"ooh." Ronaldo sighed. "She left me…"
"Cause you're a douche?"
"BEcause she wanted to pursue a relationship with.." The malice in his voice rose.
"Kick Buttowski.."
"Whoa! what a skank!"
"And she used to be mine." Ronaldo choked, tears spilling down his freckled cheeks. Gordie took a step back, on his face an expression of pure terror. Ronaldo dropped to his knees wailing loudly.
"Kendall! My Kendall!"
Gordie made a run for it.
****
SYSTEM INITIALIZING…SOA Loading….
With a lurch, the gears started spinning. Fuses sparked, layer above layer of curciut boards fizzed into life.
..SOA forty percent loaded..OPTICAL SYSTEM ACTIVATED…
Optical wires flashed complicated codes one after the other. The program read it and complied. An image swam into view, a face, facial recognition software recognized it as the face of it creator. An image already stored into it's data banks.
It's eyes scanned the room and found another face, this one it did not recognized. The unknown face was making a noise. The robot turned on it's auditory cipher.
"Is it on? Geez! How long it was going to take? My computer starts up faster than this!"
"Well, it's not a computer, is it? It's a robot." The creator replied.
"A stupid robot!" The other human snapped back. "It's ugly too! You sure it's going to work?"
The robot searched it's data banks for the identity of the other human being. It searched under the term. "Male, whose expectations you can never meet." And only got one answer.
It's eyes lit up as it looked up at it's creators and addressed them.
"mothER…FathER…."
It's father turned to it's mother and huffed. "And It's dumb like you too!"