Teehee! This one came to me when I woke up this morning. I tried to do something more fluffy and less smutty...I tried anyways. And for once, I think I succeeded.
(And to the anonymous reader named Loki, who left nasty reviews, you are way too obviously out for a reaction from me. You didn't discourage me in the slightest, in fact, you have unwittingly encouraged me to be more bold. So thanks for your reviews despite my initial displeasure at seeing them. They were deleted by the way, as I only want either positive or constructive comments in my reviews, not troll's comments. In the end, you were only helping me. And, despite what you may think or assume, a virgin cannot be a slut, nor a whore, so your arguments are invalid. Have a good day, sir.)
Which reminds me, constructive criticism is both welcomed and valued. And thanks to everyone for your encouraging words so far.
Now on with the story, enjoy!
Rated: T for brief references to sexual activities and kissing.
Summary: Mikasa can't sleep over her feelings about Eren.
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She huffs, rolling onto her back for what seems like the thousandth time that night. She's been going like this for at least an hour. She tosses, turns, mumbles to herself, and sighs in irritation. There hasn't been much time for her to be around Eren, as they were exceptionally busy after his and Historia's rescue, along with the defeat of Rod Reiss.
That's not the only thing that's upset her, though. She's concerned over her feelings. When she saw Eren talking with Historia, so friendly, open, and casual, she nearly snapped. And she's aware she probably scared the poor blonde shitless with her darkened expression. She remembers that Eren seemed surprised at her when she pulled the heavy box from his grasp and declared that he was under orders to rest. That part was true, but nonetheless, she was blatant in her emotions, too obviously angry that he was talking so comfortably with another girl.
She isn't sure if he has picked up on that particular aspect of her behavior, but she sure as hell knows it was the case herself. She felt the boiling sensation in her blood. Her heart felt as if it were going to burst and her mind had been consumed by such strange, hostile thoughts. Why did he talk to Historia in that way? Smiling in understanding and assuring the girl that he didn't hold a grudge. And why didn't he hold a grudge? From what she had heard, Historia nearly tried to kill him. How can he be so forgiving over that?
She sure isn't, at least when it comes to people and the shit they do to Eren. She knows she won't be forgiving Historia anytime soon. And the blonde had better stay away from her as well, as she doesn't believe she'll be able to resist strangling her for the next few days. With a sigh, she sits up and swings her legs over the edge of her bed. She's not getting any sleep tonight, she might as well do something to get her mind off of her feelings. Perhaps after a walk she'll feel tired enough to try again?
She grabs her woolen socks and pulls them over her feet, as she is not fond of the cold, and the floors here are frigid from the lack of a fireplace in this corner of the large cabin. She arranges her scarf more snugly around her neck, and inhales deeply of it before she stands. She's always loved that scarf, it somehow never lost the smell of Eren, even after five years. And it keeps her warm. Something only it and Eren can do.
She leaves her room and begins to stroll, down the long corridors of rooms and around the moderate living room. She goes back and forth, as its too cold to go outside. She stops before Eren's room each time, debating whether or not to enter and see if he is awake. No doubt he is still asleep, shifting twice in a day, even if it was already a few days ago, is always physically crippling for him.
That's the only reason she doesn't like his Titan Power. It hurts him. And she does take into account the fact that his Titan form has saved her and everyone else so many times already. It's just upsetting to see him rip into his flesh to turn, despite knowing he'll regenerate. She hates seeing him get hurt, and she especially hates when he can't turn, yet he still bites into his abused and torn flesh in his stubbornness. It's only happened once or twice that she's seen, but it's horrific and disturbing.
She's passed his room five times now, and she finally steels herself to enter. Her hand touches the knob and ever so carefully opens the door, just barely enough for her to slip in. She shuts it even more carefully, determined not to make a sound, in case of the fact that Eren may be asleep. She turns around and her feet make soft patting noises as she crosses the room and peers over the bed at him.
His eyes are closed, and she can see by the grace of moonlight that he is dreaming by the way they move lazily under his lids. He's most likely dreaming of pleasant things for once, as his body is relaxed and curled comfortably on his side, one leg left to lay haphazardly across the bed. She smiles at his face, one cheek pressed upwards by his hand tucked under it, and she reaches to swipe some of his scraggly brown hair from his forehead.
Her finger finishes the task, but she doesn't feel like leaving just yet. She runs it down his opposite cheek until she's tracing his jawline, before she pulls it back and gently touches his nose with it. He scrunches up his face only just barely, not even waking from his slumber at the touch. Her smile softens and she kneels to sit cross-legged beside his bed. Her hands fold together under her chin and she leans them upon the mattress, content to stay here for a while.
She wishes he could be so at peace when he is awake. That's another thing that's so hard for her to see. The fact that Eren is always so sad, angry, and vengeful. Granted, he has been getting better lately, but he still feels as though it's his duty to wipe out the Titans. And while she agrees the world would be better without them, he doesn't need to sacrifice himself and his sanity in order to accomplish that. He needs his friends, his family, and the help of the world to do that. He cannot do it alone.
She wonders at that, the word family. How does he see her? She has subconsciously known since she met him that she would grow to love him unconditionally. And since then has come to understand that what she feels is more than a platonic bond. How can she only feel like a sister to him? She honestly can't imagine how he doesn't see it, but isn't that always the case with men? She loves him deeply, so deeply she loses rational thought when he's in danger. Does he ever notice?
Her display when she thought the Smiling Titan was going to eat them, when she thought it was truly the end of it all for them, should have made it clear. He even seemed to understand, in a way, when she thanked him so genuinely for teaching her how to live, and for wrapping his scarf around her neck. She tried to do what she had always wanted to do then, but his survival instincts had interrupted her attempt at finally pressing her lips against his own. Granted, because of that, they were still alive, and that was also neither the time nor the place for an outpour of feelings or a resigned kiss to take place.
However, presently, Eren still seems to see her as a sister, and it saddens her greatly. The thought of him never noticing her feelings crosses her mind, and the notion makes her blood run cold. She doesn't want that. There is no way she'll live the rest of her life attempting to subtly make him see her heart. What if he falls for another woman? She wouldn't know what to do, she'd probably fall into despair at that. It's why she dislikes Annie so much, Eren spent so much time around her that she truly thought he might have developed feelings for her. And asking Eren if his hesitation to fight her was because of those supposed feelings nearly killed her.
She still wonders about that from time to time. As he never denied that assumption. And she also wonders if it was hard for him to attack Annie afterwards, to nearly even kill her? He didn't act like it though, in fact, he was murderous, so her fears have been partially put to rest in that regard. But her paranoia wasn't given a chance to recover. As she had been thinking earlier, Eren and Historia seem very close, and that makes her chest clench with what she can easily confirm is jealousy. But it also hurts, in the same way sadness and defeat hurt.
It's not as if she feels she is defeated, far from it in fact. Yet she knows, in the end, it is entirely up to Eren who he will love. She can't - and won't - force him to love her, even if the opportunity presents itself. She loves him too much for that. She blinks when she feels cool droplets of salty tears slide down her porcelain cheekbones. Her fingers reach up to swipe at them and she sighs, looking at the moisture on her skin.
"Mikasa?" she jumps when her name is mumbled in a husky, sleepy voice she knows all too well. "What's wrong?"
Eren is looking at her, eyebrows pinched in concern as he tries to determine why she is there. She sniffles and wipes at her face, as if she can hide the fact that she's sad from him when he's already seen her face. "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." she gives a big, fake smile, despite the fact that her lip is trembling and talking only makes the impending tears more prominent.
Eren sits up, the corners of his mouth curve down and he swings his legs over the mattress. She scoots backwards just a little ways and gives him room to settle in front of her. "Mika..." he says, his hand tugs her forward by her sleeve, and she lets her fake smile droop, moving into his reach. "If you need a shoulder to cry on, don't hesitate to ask." he murmurs, and at that she lets herself go.
Despite the fact that his ignorance of her feelings is the reason she's crying, she still takes great comfort in his embrace. Her face nuzzles into his shoulder, while her hands grip tightly to his loose shirt. He reaches his free hand under her knees and pulls her up to sit like a child in his lap, afterwards hugging her to his chest. She sighs, inhaling his scent deeply and tweaking with the fabric of his shirt between her fingers to keep herself occupied while her tears slow over the long minutes.
Her thoughts drift to her inner turmoil, and what she had been thinking only seconds before. She just told herself that she can't wait for him to realize her feelings. And she contemplates telling him now, even though the thought makes her blush and sends butterflies to her stomach. She doesn't move her face, she simply glances up at him, from her angle, she is only able to see his chin and lips. 'If I tell him...will he reciprocate, or will he become distant? Would he even, perhaps, be appalled? He has always acted like I'm a sister to him...' she thinks to herself, and she looks down, back to her now-idle fingers.
Her heart has been beating twice as hard for the past few minutes, and she fears he might even hear it pounding away in her chest. Her adrenaline makes her fingers and toes shiver uncontrollably. And she tries hard to take in even, steady breaths, but they sound unnaturally shaky to her. She wonders if he notices that? She gulps and moves her lips, but she doesn't make a sound, she simply mouths the words: I Love You to his shirt.
He shifts, and she stiffens when he moves to look at her, "Did you say something, Mikasa? I couldn't hear you."
Her eyes widen, and she looks up at him, her lips parting in worry as she tries to think of something to say. Anything at all. "I..." she begins, drowning in the intense green eyes that easily bore holes into her soul.
He tilts his head expectantly, "You...what?" he prods, "Go ahead and tell me, Mika. No need to be scared...or embarrassed." he adds upon noticing her pale cheeks redden.
She bites her lip and buries her face back into his shirt, repeating her declaration only in her thoughts, "Eren?" she asks.
"Yeah?"
"Do you-" she gulps, feeling her mouth run dry, and her body is shaking, despite her efforts to breathe and stay calm, "-do you like me?" she begins with that, it sounds less intimate in her head.
"What?" Eren smiles in amusement, "Of course I like you, Mikasa. Why do you ask?"
She shakes violently, and nearly curses over it, surely he's noticed now. In fact, he has, he looks at her in surprise, obviously ready to ask why she is trembling. "Do you..." she murmurs, feeling her eyes prick with tears again. He hasn't rejected nor accepted anything yet, so she wonders why she's so upset already. She exhales shakily, then takes a deep breath, looking up at him in determination, "Do you love me?" she asks, holding her breath for his response.
His eyebrows furrow as he tries to decipher what she means, and her heart stills as his brilliant eyes widen just barely. He looks directly into her grey irises, and his gaze softens considerably. "Love..." he murmurs as if the word feels strange on his tongue, "In what way? What are you trying to say, Mikasa?"
She sighs in defeat and moves to sit up. Why can't he just realize it the first time she asks? "Never mind." she says as she attempts to stand.
"No. No." he pulls her back, keeping her from leaving, "Mikasa. I want to know." he says with finality, and she looks away in a show of passive defiance. "Look at me...Mika.." he whispers, a finger gently grasps her chin and turns her to face him.
"I don't like that nickname..." she sniffles, blinking rapidly to try to rid her eyes of the tears. She only ends up making them spill over the threshold of her eyelids though.
"Mikasa." he pleads, "Tell me. Just tell me what you want to say."
She sniffles again and looks anywhere except his eyes, feeling her face grow hot and her blood run cold. Her heart pounds so hard it's almost painful, and every breath is ragged as she steels herself. "I..." she manages, and her hands reach up to wipe at her tears, "Ever since I met you, Eren, I felt something in my heart. It was like a pull. I knew from the moment I saw you in that cabin that I wanted to know and love you, and wanted you to do the same." she pauses for a breath and looks at his face.
His contemplative expression is unchanging, but she can see the turmoil in his eyes. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply, "Growing up, my feelings only got stronger. And I suppose it was maybe...puberty...or-or something like that. But I realized, somewhere along the road, that this pull I felt...I just realized it was love." she says, opening her eyes to observe his face.
He blinks, his gaze never leaving hers, "You love me?" he asks.
"Yes." she sighs, her heart feels like it's practically bursting from her chest while she waits for his response. She was certainly not planning for this to happen tonight. But it did, and she hopes she hasn't made a terrible mistake. Hopes that he won't distance himself from her now that he knows her feelings.
"Not-" he begins, biting his lip, "-not like a brother. You mean something more." he says, peering into her eyes for confirmation.
She nods, more tears finding their way into her eyes, and she waits yet again for him to say something. She can see that he is thinking, thinking long and hard about what she just said. What she just admitted after years of pining for his recognition in this regard. His gaze drops to the ground, but his hold on her arm and chin doesn't loosen, a fact she's glad for, as she feels like running away. His face contorts from contemplation to surprise, then it softens, and he looks back into her eyes. She shakes in anticipation, wondering what he's decided to say after those long few minutes he spent thinking about her words.
He bites his lip again, and his arms tug her closer. She's surprised to suddenly be pressed up against his chest again, her forehead tucked under his chin. His face presses tenderly into her shoulder and he inhales deeply, "I don't think I've ever considered it." he murmurs.
"Considered what?" she asks in a shiver, her body still trembles, and she wonders briefly if she'll be exhausted enough to sleep after this.
"About you, about how I feel." he says. She thinks that's negative, and it brings more tears to her eyes, "But-" he continues, "-the more I think about it, the more I realize..."
"Realize? Realize what?" she shifts to see his face, which rests on her arm and leans into it while he thinks.
"That I might feel the same." he says, and she freezes entirely. She thinks she's gone crazy now, but when he shifts to return her gaze with a soft smile, she realizes he may just be telling the truth.
"What?" she murmurs, and he smiles wider.
"I've felt it too, that pull you described. As if I'm always meant to be around you. And, I know I haven't been all that grateful or courteous for your company." he says with a frown, "I've been pretty mean to you in the past, yelled at you, even said hurtful things. But you always stayed right by me."
"Of course." she says without thinking.
"And, I think I was trying to push you away because of that." he admits, "I know the world is dangerous, and I'm the 'Suicidal maniac' who goes looking for that danger." he chuckles at that, but quickly regains his calm, collected demeanor. "I suppose in my subconscious, I wanted you to be safe because I love you. And I didn't want you getting hurt. Besides that, the fact that you are good at everything you do made me upset, because you never wanted to be a soldier, yet you are the best there is, second to Levi. And me, I wanted it, I wanted to be a soldier, but it was hard for me. I wasn't just good at everything without trying. So I think I grew to resent you - if only just barely - for a time." he says with a sigh.
"I think I realized I was going overboard with that after I learned I nearly killed you. I couldn't bring myself to push you away anymore. I think it's because I considered that I should cherish you while you were here, otherwise I'd regret it in the end." his eyes start to shimmer at that, "Like with...with my mother." he bites his lip again and turns his face away.
She sits up and embraces him tightly, her heart no longer pounding in fear, but in elation. She runs her fingers through his hair as he buries his face in her own. "And I suppose I should say it aloud, so you know for sure." he says, slightly muffled by her shirt, "I love you too, Mikasa."
She smiles, despite the fresh tears running freely down her face, and she laughs just once in relief. "I love you..." she cries, clutching at his hair and his shirt as she sobs into his shoulder. "I love you..." she keeps repeating, as if she fears he still hasn't heard her yet. Or maybe just because she's been holding those words in so long she wants to say them as much as she can.
He smiles, she can feel his lips curl upward against her shoulder. "I know." he chuckles, and pulls back to look her in the eyes. She tucks a wayward hair behind her ear while he uses the hem of his shirt to wipe her tears away. And when he smiles she can't help but return it. Her heart is still beating heavily, and she's still shaking, but her head feels light, free. A tremendous burden has been removed from her shoulders, and she feels great. She is extremely glad he made her stay and tell him, if he hadn't, she'd be crying herself to sleep right now.
She stares at him for a time, and realizes she doesn't really know what to do now. His eyes show the same confusion, and they move about, examining her face thoroughly. She shifts, carefully moving her legs until she is facing him completely. He gingerly rests his hands on her knees, uncertainty in his expression, but he's not making any moves to contradict her actions. She bites her lip and leans forward, seeming to go for a kiss, and he hesitates.
She stops immediately at the first sign of it, when his body pulls away from hers, "Sorry." she whispers and shuffles in place.
"No, no." he assures, inching his hand around her nape to pull her back, "I've just never done anything like this before. I'm nervous..." he admits, soon pressing his forehead to hers.
She smiles, and a small part of her is relieved at that, that means he's never consorted romantically with another girl. "Me too."
"I assumed that." he says with a shrug, leaning closer until their noses touch. She giggles, and his eyes light up. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard you laugh." he murmurs, and he doesn't give her a chance to respond to his words. She goes still when she feels the warmth of his lips against hers, and she instinctively wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. His arms move to her waist and mirror her actions while they explore this new, somewhat forbidden territory.
She's hesitant when his lips part and he gently urges her to do the same, but she doesn't hold back for long. The strange sensation of his mouth moving rhythmically and intimately with hers has her dizzy with her thrill. She's never imagined that she might actually get this far, and particularly not tonight. Her fingers run up into his hair and toy with his wild, brown locks. She feels him shudder from that, and her other hand feels his skin raise in goosebumps.
He pulls back from the exploratory kiss half a minute later and rests his forehead against hers once more. He continues to gently peck her lips though, and she is brought to giggles again while she recovers from the passionate exchange. "You have no idea how long I've wanted you to kiss me like that." she says with a sigh.
"I can fathom it." he smiles and places two more pecks against her lips, which she receives eagerly.
She hums in contentment when they resume simply sitting and enjoying each other's company, foreheads still pressed lovingly together. But she wonders if this is as far as they'll go? It's not as if she thinks they should be going farther, she's as inexperienced as he. She does want to slowly build their romantic relationship, but she isn't certain of how well that would go. Or whether that would be a waste of time, considering the constant danger they are always in. Are they going to simply hold hands and steal kisses every chance they get? Or are they going to go farther? Does he want to go farther? "Eren?" she asks.
"Hmm?"
"Um..." she doesn't know how to ask. She's never remotely talked about this with anyone before, besides listening in on the girl's conversations during her cadet training. She bites her lip and decides action would be better than words, so she grasps his nearest hand and gently moves it. She opens her eyes and looks into his own, which are swirling with both uncertainty and confusion.
"Mikasa...?" he says in realization, his voice shaky. She continues, however, and lets his hand come to rest on the side of her heaving breast.
"Do you...want to?" she murmurs. Her eyes dart around before settling on the fabric of his shirt, as she is suddenly unable to meet his gaze.
"I-I..." Eren stutters, unsure of what to say, "Well, y-yes I suppose. But...are you sure you're ready for something like this?"
She frowns, she isn't sure. She is only really suggesting it because she assumes he may want it, and he did say he wanted it. But...mentally, she doesn't feel prepared. "I...don't think so." she sags with a sigh, "Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up."
"No, no. Don't be sorry. Couples are supposed to talk about it...at least I think they are..." he says, not entirely reassuring on his part, but she smiles briefly. He pulls his hand from her side and lifts her chin. "When you are ready, so am I. I don't want you to think you owe me anything in that regard. And I don't owe you either. It'll come, we don't need to push it." he assures. "And besides, you could end up regretting it."
She shakes her head at that, "Not if it was with you. I'd never regret that."
His lips curl upward in a smile, "That's very flattering."
She smiles too, and leans forward to hug him tightly, "Can I sleep here tonight? Like when we were kids? I don't want to be in an empty bed." she asks.
She feels him nod, "As if I'd ever say no. Especially now." he tightens his grip and carefully stands. Her back hits the mattress and he gently pries her legs from his waist. He pulls up the blanket, laying beside her, and he wraps an arm around her waist. She places a hand on his arm and shifts so he is spooning her.
Her lips can't help but stay stuck in a contented smile. She's so happy she can hardly believe it. Only an hour before she was brooding and frustrated over this very matter. She finds it hard to believe her luck can possibly be this good, but she'll enjoy it as long as it stays in her favor. She yawns, shuffling deeper into his embrace. She's worn herself out with her emotional outbreak, and she's glad of it. Both her exhaustion and Eren's soothing grip on her waist will no doubt give her a peaceful sleep.
Her eyes close, she hears him murmur a goodnight, and she attempts to say it back before she loses herself to sleep. She finds she can only hum in agreement though, she is so tired. His lips against her cheek are the last thing she remembers.
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She is slowly waking, her mind is tired, and her eyes are still shut, not ready to open yet. But she is aware of the gentle rubbing of her arm and Eren's quiet whisper in her ear. "Mika..." he says, "Wake up."
She inhales deeply and shifts, her arms are thrown above her head and she leans back against the pillow in a morning stretch. She blinks, finding the early sunrise to be too bright for her tired eyes. "Eren?" she mumbles, and his soft chuckles reach her ears. She smiles at the sound and rolls to face him, taking in his morning appearance.
His hair is always so perfect, she muses, and wonders just how do men do it? His eyes are slightly swollen from sleep, his lower lip is pouty, and he looks adorable. She can only imagine how awful she might look in the morning. Or maybe he sees her the same way? Perhaps her puffy eyes, disheveled hair, and sometimes even blemishes, don't bother him, but rather incite awe and love like they do for her. "Good morning." he says, pecking her nose with a feather-light touch that leaves her smiling warmly.
At this proximity, and with the light of the rising sun, she can see a few, very light freckles on his face. The sight makes her heart swell with love. The reason, she believes, is that she can now be close enough to notice these things. Things like that one freckle, conveniently located at the corner of his lip. She leans in to press a kiss to it, then his full-on lips.
She doesn't mind too much that they aren't as passionate in the kiss as the night before. After all, one has to take into consideration the fact that they have morning breath. A fact she finds displeasurable, as it prevents them from being more intimate in such practices. "We need to get up." Eren says suddenly, but he doesn't move, he simply lays there and waits for her response.
"I know." she says, letting her eyes drift shut again.
His hands move under her and he sits up. She yelps as he hoists her up, bridal style, and gets off the bed, "Awake now?" he asks, and presses a kiss to her forehead.
"Put me down!" she giggles and struggles against him until he places her on her feet. She turns to him with a smile and hugs him, taking in his scent one last time before she has to spend the day doing chores without him. He grasps her scarf and rearranges it in that haphazard way he used to do when they were kids.
"There." he says with a smile.
She moves the end of the scarf from her face, giving him an admonishing look while she adjusts it. "You still need to learn to tie a scarf properly." she mutters.
He scoffs playfully and brushes her hair back from her face. She sighs when he gives her one last kiss, a simple, yet drawn out affair. He pulls back and addresses her with finality, but she can tell he has a hard time being strict. "Now go. Go. Go." he pushes her out the door with a sweet smile, and she protests in jest at his words.
"Alright. I'm going." she sighs when he gives her a look that says she's pushing it. She makes her way back to the girl's room and sits on her bed with a sigh. When she thinks about it, her frustrations brought her to this point, and she wouldn't have been able to do it without Historia. If the girl hadn't made her jealous and desperate, she wouldn't have gone to Eren last night. She smiles and looks at all the few other girls she shares the room with, Sasha, Historia, and sometimes Hanji (who seems to be gone again). Her heart is light, and she is happy. There really isn't much reason to hold a grudge, she supposes, and she may be able to forgive Historia after all.
After she's given her the silent treatment, though, the girl does need some punishment for her actions.
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A.N.
Phew! First non-smut story for Shingeki no Kyojin. Why did I write it? I needed some Eremika fluff.
That turned out much longer and more drawn out than I anticipated. I don't think I'm done with this particular universe. I'll make a sequel if it's asked for, but keep in mind I won't be able to hold back the smut for it. Sorry! First times are really fun and intriguing to write.
Anywho! Reviews are always welcome. Especially constructive ones. If something needs changing in my style of writing I'd like to know so I can better myself.