A/N: A very, very sad Christmans gift. Still, Merry Chistamans, minna! And happy birthday Allen!
Allen: Happy birthday? With this story? ¬¬
Warnings: death, a lot of angst and maybe bad grammar.
Over the Edge
It should be a normal day. At least, it started like one.
But I should know better. Cause now I have blood in my hands and a corpse at my feet. Nothing can save me now. Nothing matters. For everything I ever had, I'm left with nothing but one certain:
I lost control.
-x-
The man stares at the boy. The boy stares back. There are no words between them, just those awkward eyes burning holes in the child's face. The boy keeps staring back, trying to hold his ground despite his confusion, but there's just so much the youngster can handle.
And the boy slowly gets scared.
The boy turns and leaves, walking fast. Soon, he is running, disappearing somewhere down the hall.
The man keeps staring, following the child now beyond his reach. A cruel smile twists his lips.
"Soon." – the man thinks, smirk still in place before he too turns to leave.
-x-
I'm not sure what happened. By the time I woke up my body is arching all over so my best guess is somebody beat the crap out of me. Since I don't remember reacting I'm pretty sure it was Link. Not that it matters now.
Nothing does.
I'm in a cell. A very small, very padded cell I didn't even know we had. Then again, I never wondered too much on this side of the quarters. The Black Order doesn't make prisoners so it would be pointless to visit the dungeons anyway, even if I would probably enjoy the silence. The past few days were so nosy this whole scenario feels like heaven.
Too bad be alone with my thoughts is the last thing I should be allowed to do now.
-x-
The boy was trapped. Even if this place was beautiful, with a big bed, white sheets and the soft smell of roses. Even if there was an expensive-looking carpet, windows with white curtains kissed by sunlight and a soft breeze, the boy knew it was a trap.
"How?" – the boy keeps asking himself, his childish mind unable to understand no, to accept the presence of danger between those walls – "It's supposed to be safe! He told me that!"
The man smiled his cruel smile. Putting his big hand on the boy's small back, he pushes the kid forwards. The boy don't resist, too numb to realize anything. In his innocent mind, reality and hope crash against each other, trying to find an answer, an excuse.
"Am I not safe?"
"Did he lie to me?"
-x-
There's someone at my door. And it's not the finder that keeps checking if I'm still alive or something. The steps are different, hesitant, noisy but not for excessive weight.
I smile a little. High heels.
Lenalee starts talking and all the suddenly padded walls don't look that great. I can barely hear her, especially with all her sobs and cries. It's annoying but still hurts. I want to know why she's crying! Is she ashamed of my actions? Is she making herself believe it was nothing but a horrible misunderstanding? Is she just sad?
Does she know the truth?
I chuckle, somehow amused by my own stupidity or, dare I say, hope. Nobody knows the truth. And even if the truth would probably set me free or, at least, buy me some time, I'm not gonna start talking now.
- Sorry, Lena. – I whisper and I mean it.
She doesn't hear and I shut her voice out.
-x-
- My boy…
The boy stops, frozen halfway through the window. If he had just jumped, would he be safe? Could he take the chance, regardless of what he would find waiting for him God-knows how many feet below?
No, he couldn't. The boy was afraid of death.
The man knew that too. After all it was a common fear, one just a few could learn to suppress. To be afraid of death is to be alive, and the boy before him was so much alive…
- Do you really think you can escape me? – the man speaks softly, sneaking his way to the boy still frozen on the windowsill. He hugs the small body, pressing his chest against the child's back, pushing forward just a little, just enough to let those big, childish eyes see the rocks and the threes and everything else that would hurt his frail body if the man was to let go.
The boy shakes and, after a moment, slowly turns to the man. He looks away, ashamed and angry when his hands clung to the man's uniform and tears began to fall.
A coward. A weakling.
He would never save anybody like this.
And nobody would ever save him.
-x-
I don't know for how long I've been here. There is a small window, designed to give an even smaller, pointless hope, I guess. I can see the sun and the stars, but I lost track after the first week. Nobody is checking on me anymore but it's not a surprise. I can't do any harm, to others or myself, in this stuffed cell. Not when I'm all tied up anyway.
Now, a dirty little secret: I can get rid of my restrains. And, judging by the old, rusty door, I bet I can force the lock as well.
I can also kill myself.
- How long do you plan to be sitting there?
I smile. Lenalee gave up a couple days ago, but her spot didn't remain empty for too long. Now there's another exorcist at my door, a very loud one.
Lavi.
He hits the door again, banging like he would just knock it down. But we both know he won't. He just needs to blow off some rage. So I remain in my spot, eyes closed and face blank. It's not like he can see me but I can't break old habits, especially my own.
After four or five minutes, he stops. But he doesn't fall on his knees like Lenalee did every single time she came, no. He just turns his back to me and walks away.
It hurts but I hope he doesn't come back.
-x-
The boy had grown. Once a small child, the boy was now a teenager, body beginning to fill with muscles, eyes getting sharper, less innocent. More important, the boy was a soldier now. Even if he wasn't the best one yet, he was well trained enough.
So why he couldn't escape? Why he couldn't fight back?
The boy is training now, moving like any fighter twice his age. He is unaware of the man watching him from the shadows or even said man's steps. No, when the boy finally realizes it's too late.
- My boy. – the man says, resting his hand on the boy's back. And that do the trick. All the training is now useless, a distant memory forgotten somewhere deep in the young's mind.
"Am I really that weak?" – is all the boy can think when the hand resting on his back slips into his pants. The man's other hand go straight to his hair, pulling him against something hard and still clothed.
- You've trained enough, my boy. – the man whispers, smelling him deeply, tasting the sweat drops on the pale, soft skin – Now, it's time for you to take position.
The boy nods. He doesn't know why, he wants to leave, to fight or even scream, but his body acts like it was trained to, falling on his knees in front of the man.
It has been so long, years and years of that hell. The boy has given up, getting used to the numbness. He couldn't even feel dirty anymore.
So he just stood there, on his knees, mouth open and waiting…
-x-
- I thought you were better than that.
That voice awakes me from my light sleep. I'm still a little dazed, thought, so I can't say exactly who it was. All I could say was it wasn't Lavi or Lenalee.
That said there would be very few people that would bother. Especially now.
- So, tell me, how does it feel to finally lose it?
Actually it feels pretty good, but I can't tell him that. He doesn't need any more pushes on the wrong direction. Besides, I haven't said a word since I was brought here so why start now?
- You know, the whole order is talking about your little mess. No one seems to understand, nothing new considering how dumb you are yet, I have to say you broke a record this time. First execution in decades.
I smirk. Can't help but notice he's not using any nicknames. Guess he's really pissed.
It was about time.
- Are you really going to ignore me?
I roll my eyes. Who is dumb now?
As if reading my mind he starts to bang against the door, swearing loudly, calling me names I didn't even know he knew. And hell, it hurts me. He shouldn't be on the edge like this.
Would it make any difference if I try and comfort him now? Would I even be able to?
Would it matter if I told him it wasn't his fault?
Eventually he stops banging and swearing. I have to say it's a good thing, it simply doesn't suit him. He's too self-controlled for that, unbreakable.
Then again, didn't they say the same thing about me?
- You know what? Just forget I was here. You don't deserve my time anyway.
I agree, even if he can't see. It was true; he shouldn't be wasting his time with me. However, it was too late for me to forget. Especially since it was all for him. His sanity, his heart, his life.
His innocence.
Cause he is innocent, even if he would never admit it. He is still innocent. And I intent to keep him like that.
Now, if he could only forget me and keep walking.
-x-
Time passed again. The boy was now a full teenager, and not just any teenager but an exorcist. Better yet he was free, have been for a while. He wasn't sure if he still knew the meaning of the word but it couldn't be helped. So the teen enjoyed, at least as much as he could bring himself to. Obviously it wasn't much but a little is better than nothing, right?
It was around that time he met him. Another boy, another exorcist. They were supposed to be alike; instead it was hate at first sight. Nevertheless missions and enemies brought them close, even if it was just to try and rip each other limb by limb.
Hate and love are always side by side after all.
But when the teen thought he could finally let go and show some emotion, true emotion, the man came back. He was older; half of his hair white and wrinkles starting to show but was the same man, with the same smirk, same glint on his eyes.
For a moment, the teen thought he would live through hell all over again, memories colliding and exploding right in front of his eyes. He was left there, frozen, while that man introduced himself with a slim smile and old-school politeness.
Then, it hit him. And, for the first time in decades, the teen caught himself wishing things would go back as they were on the beginning. The mere thought of having those hands on his body again was poison but what choice he had?
Unfortunately, time had passed, making the teen unimportant somehow. The man had eyes only for his friends now, especially the one he hated the most.
- I'm Julliard, the third. But you can call me Jullian, my boy.
-x-
The courtyard is crowded with exorcists, scientist and finders alike. Leverrier is here, standing proud like always. For a moment I wonder if he's feeling anger or pleasure about all this mess, then I remember I couldn't care less and switch targets. Link is right beside him like the freaking dog he is, pretending he is unaffected by his surroundings. I remember him crying like a baby on that mission and I almost smile. Yeah, that's a good way to spend my last minutes.
But of course I have to be a damn masochist and let my eyes travel the crowd. I find Lavi easily, a red spot in the middle of all that black. His eye is narrowed, not in anger more like disappointment. He knew I could have escaped and, for all the presents here, he's probably the only one that can get near the truth. He's the bookman after all.
Too bad it won't make any difference.
Lenalee is a little harder to find. Komui is holding her tight, making her an even smaller target in the middle of all those people. The girl had his head burred on his brother chest and was obviously crying. Komui sends me a death glare for making his little sister so upset and I roll my eyes. A death glare. Now. Really?
How someone so stupid got to be my boss again?
Leverrier starts talking, breaking my pleasurable thoughts. There's some document on his hands now, kind of a scroll of sorts. For a split second I wonder why people keep important things, like laws, in something so fragile. And even more briefly I wonder if burning it would have saved my life. Probably not.
But it would've been interesting to try, see everybody's reaction. Maybe, if I had show something was wrong my life would end up different, like fighting an akuma or something. Sure, it would be a gross and bloody death, probably with little to nothing to bury afterwards, but it would be far better than that.
Yet there's a part of me that insists I did everything right, gave all the signs to the right persons. It was just nobody was looking carefully, or even looking at all. After all, I was one of the bests, have been for a while.
The one without limits but no lack of self-control. The unbreakable one.
My eyes wonder over the crowd again. It's stupid and downright painful but I can't help it. Seeing those faces, watching tears roll and hands became fists, I wonder how things would have been if Julliard hadn't screw me beyond repair. I would have cared more, or even cared at all? Or people would end up pushing me anyway; making me the person I am today? Would somebody else fill Jullian's hole in this mess?
Link moves, silently positioning himself behind me. Leverrier is still talking but now I know it's just a matter of minutes, if not less. My eyes didn't leave the crown, though, searching for the only one I want to see, even if he would do nothing but hate me all the more for locking eyes with him again.
But he is not here.
I let the breath I was holding escape. It was better this way. Stupid hope! It would be all for nothing if he was here to see me. He needs to forget me, find someone else to yell or fight to.
Leverrier stops talking, allowing a moment of silence for melodramatic reasons. Then, he finally says what everybody here already knows, but not quite believes.
- For the murder of Julliard the third, comrade and fellow exorcist, you are now stripped of all your honors and sentenced…to death.
- No!
I should have notice the movement but days in a small cell left my body heavy and my mind numb. No, when I realized Link had already applied the sentence. However, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, I recognized the one that screamed, the pain in that small, desperate word. How could I not? It was my pain too. But it's too late; I can't answer any of the questions in his eyes.
You don't need the truth. Trust me.
Link pulls the blade out and I fall on my knees. If it was any other crime his blade would have cut right through my heart, making the execution clean and immediate. But I was considered a traitor, the one that broke a very special law: you shall not kill your comrades. Therefore I wasn't just sentenced to death; I was sentenced to die slowly.
But I didn't want to, not now when he was getting closer and closer, tears blurring his eyes. Why nobody stops him? Lavi! Komui! Anyone! Just stop him before he gets…
My body waves, numbness spreading all over. My lungs are burning, slowly filling with blood, and my speedy heart only makes it worse. I close my eyes, I can't see him like that, all hurt and sad and crying… for me…
- Why? – he whispers in a trembling voice, holding me like I was precious. Shocking as it was, I actually believe him. I was dying but there was no denying I was the center of his world, at least for now.
That's why I don't respond and just lay still. Until he starts to elaborate, asking a whole new bunch f 'whys'. Why I did that? Why I killed a person, a human being? Why I didn't escape? Why I let myself get caught? Why I lost control?
Why Julliard?
I just wanted to enjoy his hug for whatever time I had which, by the way I' m coughing blood isn't that much, but of course he had to go and make everything worse.
- Were you protecting me?
I open my eyes and glare at him. He opens his mouth and I spit blood on his face.
- Shut the hell up and… let me die…little fucker. – I didn't want to hurt him like this but it's not like I have a choice. I know I reached my goal when he punches me in the face, hard. I smile, pissing him more, but also because I was pleased. If he was angry enough to punch someone already half-dead then he will forget me in no time. He needs to hate me not pity me!
Some more punches come before he is taken away, leaving me bleeding and gasping for air on the floor. I keep my smile in place, though, just in case he is still close enough to see, and briefly wonder what was the point of sparing me from some punches. Wasn't I supposed to die slowly and painfully?
My vision blurs and I cough harder, heart now completely out of rhythm. But I can still see people leaving without as much as a second glance and that makes me glad. I won't be remembered, I won't be treasured.
I will be forgotten. So will the truth. I only wonder if the only person I chose will do his job right. Cause he, the friend I hate and love the most, needs protection, someone to help him find his own limits before it's too late.
- Take care of him…dad…
-x-
It has been a month since the execution and he was yet to leave his room. Every exorcist, finder and scientist had tried something, anything, with no success. The last ones tried to break down his door, but a couple treats made them all change their minds and let him be.
But now…now there was a general at his door, one he hadn't seen in a long time, so long he couldn't even remember the last time they talked.
- Tiedoll. – the boy says, body stiff, ready to put up a fight for as much as he could.
- Allen. – the man answers with a mechanical nod.
Silence lay heavy on both males' shoulders, leaving their hearts beating faster and bodies stiffer. But there would be no fights. Not today.
- I know the truth and it cost my soul. – the general said, looking a lot older, and hollow, than he was supposed to – I can show you but once you know I won't let you out of my sight. Ever.
Allen swallowed hard. Did he get this right? All the trouble to make him leave his room and now Tiedoll was putting him on a leash? However, he did want to know. Hell, it has been a month already and he still couldn't understand why Kanda did what he did, let along why nobody did a thing and let he pay with his life!
But most of all, Allen wanted to know why Kanda's eyes were so peaceful, even after Link had…
- Do you still want to know?
- Yes.
The general gave him two small books. One was old but well kept, with the distinct smell of incense. The other was new but used, book cover marked with ink and pages folded.
- I had to translate it for you.
Allen blinked. Translate? Could it be…?
- We leave tomorrow on a mission. – the man said before turning to leave, disappearing on the dark corridors. For a moment, the boy thought he heard the man mumbling something like 'forgive me' but he wasn't sure. The only thing he knew was: Tiedoll was still watching. Just like he had always watched Yu and the others.
Closing the door, Allen laid on his bed. Finding the version in English, he started to read, eyes already watering for reasons he could not explain. But he would. Soon enough, he would be able to explain everything.
The man stares at the boy. The boy stares back…