PRAYER OF LOVE
I was in the mood to write another romantic piece, this time between Tumnus and Lucy, my most favorite couple of all time. As much as I love writing about Blurr and Melly, Tumnus and Lucy are, and always will be, number one. Somehow, I get the biggest thrill and the greatest satisfaction out of writing about them. And hey, what can I say? I'm an utterly hopeless romantic!
As always, read and review, and NO flaming!
Characters © C.S. Lewis and Disney/Walden Media
Lyrics (at the end of the story) © Savage Garden
Story © unicorn-skydancer08
All rights reserved.
Tumnus sat alone in his favorite spot on the beach, next to the Eastern Ocean. The young faun sat with his face directed at the bright blue-green water, his eyes watching the tide as it rolled in steadily. The sun was already beginning to set, but it was still high enough in the sky to bathe Tumnus in a sea of warmth, while a cool, salt-tinted breeze caressed him. Tumnus closed his eyes, trying to let the sweet wind dispel his inner thoughts…yet something lingered deep in his heart, something that wasn't rooted out so easily.
The image of Lucy, the young queen of Narnia, came to mind.
She had been Tumnus's most intimate friend for the last ten years, and counting. Even now, Tumnus remembered the day he met the girl for the first time, as clearly as if the event took place yesterday. He couldn't repress a small smile at the memory of him and Lucy screaming in surprise and terror upon first sight, and then running away and hiding themselves from one another.
Tumnus was sure he had given Lucy quite a fright, and to this day, he refused to admit just how much she had frightened him.
Of course, it didn't take long at all for the two of them to receive one another in friendship; and as the years went by, they were closer than the bark on a magnolia tree.
Tumnus remembered everything: exchanging jokes and stories with Lucy over a cup of tea and a plate of sardines, playing his enchanted flute specially for her while she listened raptly, singing to her at night to help her fall asleep, holding her gently in his arms and soothing her when she woke up from a bad nightmare, tending to her lovingly when she was sick, dancing with her in the wild Western Woods and in the grand ballroom of the Cair, or quietly standing with her on the balcony and holding her hand while they watched the sea together.
Now, after a solid decade, Tumnus found his feelings toward the girl changing.
Their relationship was as strong and cohesive as ever, but now Tumnus was beginning to view Lucy from a different perspective. To put it plainly, he found himself falling head over hooves in love with her. He wanted more than anything in the whole, wide world to love her, to hold her in his arms and kiss her endlessly, to have her stay with him forever as his mate.
That was the problem.
Fauns were not meant to love humans. The idea was not only completely ludicrous, it was downright unnatural. It went against essentially every law of nature and logic.
Still, despite all that, despite all the reasons why Tumnus oughtn't love Lucy, he couldn't help himself.
Every time he saw the girl, whether from a distance or face-to-face, his mouth would get a little drier, his heart would beat considerably quicker, his legs would wobble just a bit more. For that matter, every time he saw her with another man, even if it was nothing more than a casual conversation, he would simmer with jealousy, and he would struggle to repress the desire to kick the other man or head-butt him over the balcony. Even when he and Lucy were alone, he found himself growing steadily uneasier around her.
Sometimes Lucy would unintentionally tease him, by playing with his curly beard, or the hair that lined his forearm or back, or picking idly at his hair that trailed over his ears and brow, trying pointlessly to smooth the untamed curls. She never went any further than this, and no matter how light or chaste her touch might have been, it drove Tumnus wild.
At night, his bed seemed strangely empty, and he'd toss and turn about restlessly on his sheets. During the day, despite the smile he plastered on for Lucy and for everybody else, his heart felt heavy, as though weighed down with a large stone. And whenever Lucy walked away from him, the area felt colder and lonelier for the lack of her presence.
Tumnus sighed, and ran both his hands distractedly over his unshaven face, up through his mop of honey-tinged curls.
"Who am I fooling?" he found himself saying aloud, though there was no one around to hear. "Lucy could never want me. She deserves better than some pathetic, worthless faun."
Of course, he didn't mean that to disparage the entire race of fauns. For the most part, Tumnus was rather proud of his heritage.
But there were times, like this, where he wished he'd been born a human, a true human. Then, even if he didn't win Lucy, he could at least be more justified in his longing for her. Hands cupping his forehead, Tumnus gazed unhappily at his brown, bushy goat-stag legs and cloven hooves, reminders of the true enormity of the difference between him and Lucy.
All physical disparities aside, what could he offer her? He was not meant for her, or her world. He wasn't exactly her "type", as some would call it.
How would he even break it to her? "Lucy, I don't know how to tell you this…but, I love you." Even in Tumnus's mind, that sounded incredibly stupid.
He knew Lucy cared about him, that she would do anything for him. Surely she knew he cared very much about her, too. Hadn't these ten years proven it? Yet there was a fear inside him, and he couldn't fight it. Even his fear of the White Witch paled in comparison to this. It was something more powerful than anything he had encountered, or could ever imagine.
Tumnus wished his father were here, to give him advice about this whole issue.
Lifting his face to the rose-hued clouds overhead, the faun said in a soft voice, "Father, what should I do? What can I do? I know you're not here…but I am in desperate need of your guidance."
Naturally, nothing happened. No otherworldly voice addressed him, and his father's spirit did not suddenly emerge from the ether. Tumnus's petal-shaped ears drooped in disappointment, and he closed his eyes and bowed his head abjectly to his chest. He felt nothing short of foolish, but he needed someone to talk to.
Then he thought of Aslan, the Great Lion, the ruler and savior of them all.
It was often said that one could pray to Aslan about anything, anything at all—no matter how big or small, or how seemingly silly the matter.
Well, Tumnus thought, if there was anybody he truly needed, anybody who would know exactly what to do in a situation like this, Aslan was the one.
So, shifting his position in the sand just a little, clasping his hands together fervently in front of him, and dipping his head a little further, Tumnus turned to the one he knew could hear him.
"Oh, Aslan," he entreated, "my lord, my friend, help me…please. I need you, more than I've ever needed you before. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm doing right now is the right thing. I love Lucy, like I love no other. Yet I'm afraid…so very, very afraid. I know Lucy is a wonderful person, with a good heart, but…"
He trailed off, his voice breaking as his emotions threatened to engulf him. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel a warm wetness pooling up in them. He began to tremble.
"I know you love Lucy, as much as you love me," he managed to say at length, though he could hardly speak due to the painful tightness in his throat. "But is it appropriate for me to love her, to want her the way I do? Are my desires concerning her acceptable? Even if so, how can I break it to her? If she ever found out the truth about me, she'll take me for a lunatic. Help me, Aslan. Please, help me. I can't do this on my own." He waited, eyes still closed, hoping against hope that Aslan would somehow appear and give him the comfort and counsel he craved.
But everything remained still and silent.
The faun's sharp ears listened attentively to hear Aslan's rich, soothing voice, but all they heard was the lull of the waves, the distant cry of a seagull. When Tumnus ultimately dared to open his eyes again, there was nothing. No signs of divine presence, no change in the atmosphere whatsoever…nothing but the endless blue ocean and the warm white sand around him, and the kaleidoscopic sky overhead. The pain in Tumnus's throat and heart intensified dramatically, until it was almost unbearable, while the tears spilled over and flooded his face.
What was the matter with him?
He had just poured out his heart to Aslan, bared his very soul—why wouldn't the Lion answer him? What more could Aslan want from him? He had promised he would never turn his back on those who loved and trusted him. He would never leave his children alone in their time of need. Why wasn't he there now, when Tumnus needed him most?
Of course, Tumnus's faith in the Lion was too strong and durable by that time to ever be shaken. But his faith in himself, his own sense of worth, began to crumble.
Closing his eyes once more, sliding his hands entirely over his face, he started to weep, without limitation or restraint.
"Oh, Aslan," he moaned, his voice muffled by both his palms and his sobs. "Aslan…please…"
Then, quite suddenly, as if from nowhere, a gentle voice spoke: "Tumnus."
But it was not Aslan that addressed the faun. It was a feminine voice, sweet and lilting, like the voice of an angel.
With a gasp, Tumnus lifted his dripping face to find Lucy herself kneeling in the sand beside him. Her soft brown eyes regarded him with a look of tenderness and pity.
Tumnus froze like ice at the sight of her. He felt his heart literally skip a beat, perhaps two.
"L-Lucy," he stammered, when he had found his tongue again. "What…what are you doing here?"
"I've been looking for you," the girl countered. "You were nowhere in the castle, so I thought I'd find you out here."
When Tumnus said nothing, being at a loss for words, she reached up to touch the trickle of tears on his cheek, and very gently asked him, "Tumnus…why are you crying? What's wrong?"
Tumnus almost told her that nothing was wrong, but then he quickly thought better of it. He knew he could never fool Lucy; she knew him too well, and it was plain enough that he was not in the best state of mind. He wasn't sure where to begin, so he decided to go straight to the heart of the matter. After drawing in several ragged breaths, fighting to get some hold of himself, he somehow found the nerve to say, "Lucy, from the moment you and I first met, I always thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen."
Seeing the look of disbelief on Lucy's face at that, he couldn't help smiling just a little. "I never said it before—not out loud, anyway—because I know that's not where your pride is."
Lucy's cheeks were a notable shade of red, and somehow Tumnus knew it wasn't merely due to the rosy light from the setting sun that splashed over both of them.
"Well," said Lucy at length, "I'll take that as a compliment." Then she added, "Though, of course, we all know Susan is the beautiful one around here. I'm just pretty."
This brought a weak chuckle out of Tumnus, in spite of himself. "Okay, fine," he said thickly, "you're both lovely. Does that satisfy you?"
She laughed as well. "All right, I give in. Yes, I am content."
Then Tumnus quickly became sober again. "But it's more than that, Lucy. You're the kindest, sweetest, most extraordinary creature I could have had the privilege to know. You were always there for me when I needed you, you have trusted me with everything, including your very life, and you have always been my absolute dearest friend…but lately, I've been finding myself seeing you as more than that." Now Lucy's eyes widened considerably, and she became very still. "What I'm trying to say is—" Here, Tumnus faltered, unable to continue.
"What?" Lucy pressed him gently. "Go on."
Tumnus closed his eyes again for just a moment, fearing that he would break on the spot.
Telling Lucy how he truly felt about her was almost more than he could bear. Yet keeping it silent for much longer was far worse. In his heart, he pleaded, Aslan, give me strength.
When he finally opened his eyes and was looking at Lucy properly once again, he said but four words: "I love you, Lucy."
If Lucy was astonished before, she was now truly stunned. "What?" she said, her voice scarcely a whisper.
"I love you," Tumnus told her again.
He had to practically choke the words out, but he said them.
Lucy was speechless. Her whole body seemed to have seized up. The look on her face was one of pure shock, mingled with several other emotions that couldn't be discerned as easily.
"Lucy?" Tumnus said softly after a few minutes, breaking the eerie silence.
She said nothing.
"Lucy?" he gently prodded her again. "Are you all right?"
Still, she said nothing, nor did she move from that spot.
"Please, say something."
At last, Lucy gave her head a vague shake, and she said in a voice that was almost inaudible, "I can't. I have nothing to say."
Assuming the worst, Tumnus bowed his head and turned away in shame. "I'm sorry," he half-croaked, as his tears began to flow afresh, and he felt his heart begin to break. "I shouldn't have said what I'd just said. I should have known how insolent and indecent it would be of me. Forgive me, Lucy." He started to climb wearily to his hooves. "I'll go, now…"
But then, to his great surprise, Lucy caught him fast by the hand before he could take his leave. "No, wait," Lucy pleaded, "don't go, Tumnus. Please, stay." She made him sit down again, and, still maintaining her grip on his hand, slid in closer to his side. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded," she apologized. "When I said I had nothing to say, I didn't mean that in a bad way. I was just so surprised, so happy, when you told me that you loved me—that all logical words eluded me, altogether."
Happy. The word resounded in Tumnus's ears like the peal of a bell.
"Do you really mean that?" Lucy asked. Indeed, rather than sounding horrified or sickened, she sounded greatly hopeful, practically thrilled. "Do you honestly, truly love me?"
"With all my heart," Tumnus found himself confessing. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Lucy. You mean everything to me…more than my very life. I can't make it without you." His voice caught at that last bit, and his tears began falling thicker and faster. Unable to help himself, he concealed his wet face in his hands once more, and sobbed out loud.
"Oh, Tumnus," said Lucy, dismayed and heartsick to see him like this. Tumnus felt her pull him closer, and cradle him against her breast, but that only made him weep harder. He pressed his forehead firmly to her shoulder, and felt his tears soak into the expensive fabric of her dress. Like a mother soothing her distraught child, Lucy held Tumnus tenderly, rocking him and stroking his unruly hair, until he regained some self-control and he pulled away from the embrace. He found he was too embarrassed to look her in the eye, but she gingerly lifted his face to hers. "Tumnus," she said again, very softly and empathetically. "Why on earth are you acting this way? If you truly love me, why should that make you so sad?"
"Because of who you are," Tumnus answered forlornly. "Because of what I am. Look at us, Lucy. You're the queen of Narnia. You're someone of high position; everybody loves you and looks up to you. I, on the other hand…I'm just a simple faun, with no title, no wealth, no degree of importance. Why should I deserve you? What right do I have to love you?"
Lucy opened her mouth, as if to protest, but Tumnus resolutely plowed on.
"Beyond that, we're two completely different creatures, from two entirely separate races. I ask you, a faun and a human, together? It's unheard of! It's absurd! It's…it's…"—he paused briefly, groping for the right word—"abnormal. We could never be together, Lucy; it would never work between us." He shook his head dismally. "Such a thing goes against all logic, all common sense."
Silence followed this little speech. For a good five minutes or so, Lucy remained totally quiet, but her emotions were written clearly on her face.
Then Tumnus sighed, heavily and mournfully.
"Forgive me," he whispered again, averting his gaze. "I have been a complete fool."
"No, you haven't," Lucy interjected.
"Yes, I have."
"Why? Just because you love me?" She placed her hand on Tumnus's leg, feeling his warm, thick fur. Tumnus did not shy away, but he felt his heartbeat accelerate.
"We shouldn't be doing this, Lucy. I shouldn't be feeling this way, shouldn't be harboring such twisted fantasies."
"It's not a twisted fantasy, Tumnus," Lucy protested. "I think it's very beautiful, and very sweet of you to think so highly of me. You do mean what you say about loving me, don't you?"
"Of course, I do. Why would I lie about such a thing?"
"Then what else matters?"
Visible pain was etched almost indelibly in Tumnus's every feature. His long, leaf-shaped ears drooped, his brows furrowed, and his eyes, which continued to swim in a pool of tears, were the essence of grief. "I'm not good enough for you, Lucy," he groaned, sounding as though the very words were tearing him apart. "I never will be."
"Oh, Tumnus," said Lucy, feeling her whole heart go out to him. "Whenever I look at you, do you think all I see are your horns and your hooves?"
Tumnus opened his mouth, as if to reply, and now she was the one to cut him off.
"Remember Aslan's First Law? 'Judge not a creature by his earthly exterior—'"
"'—but by the content of his heart,'" Tumnus filled in the rest. "'Look not on his outward appearance, but on his character within.'"
Lucy nodded. "Don't you see, Tumnus? It does not matter what one looks like, or where one stands in the hierarchy of life. It does not matter if you have hooves, or feet. Love is a sacrament, a solemn covenant made between two people and heaven. It transcends everything else." Placing her hand along Tumnus's coarse, stubbly jaw, brushing the moisture on his cheek away with her thumb, she continued, "Whether you're a faun, or a man, it makes no difference to me. You're my Tumnus, and I love you, just the way you are."
"You—you love me?" Tumnus hardly dared believe what the girl was telling him. Hope began to swell in his breast, mixed with sorrow, elation, and apprehension.
"I always have," she admitted. "And I always will. There just never was the right time or place to tell you so…not until now."
"But is it right?" Tumnus feared to ask. "Is it fit for us to love, to want each other the way we do?"
Now Lucy moved her hand to the nape of the faun's neck, where his hair started to make a silky trail down his back. She brought her face closer to his, until their lips were less than an inch apart, and she whispered, "Perhaps this will answer your question." The next thing Tumnus knew, her lips were on his, kissing him. The kiss started off light, then started to deepen.
Tumnus could feel a strange tingling sensation in his bloodstream, like a surge of electrical energy, and his wildly racing heart was now beating entirely out of control.
Though he tried with all his might to not cry, to hold it all in, he couldn't. The cup was too full, the desire too strong to resist any longer.
Almost involuntarily, his arms slid around Lucy, clasping her body to his own. He closed his eyes and let go, will and wit yielding at long last to what he had wished, hoped, and prayed for all this time. He could taste the bitter saltiness of his own tears as they meshed with his and Lucy's interwoven lips, but neither of them paid it the least bit of mind.
As they kissed, and kissed again, Tumnus, rather than feeling guilty or ashamed, found himself filled to the brim with the most incredible feeling.
By the Lion, he inwardly cried out in joy and wonder. I didn't know—I didn't know!
Was this what he had been so afraid of? Was this what he had evaded for so long?
This was not surrender or forfeit; it was an expansion, an enrichment of self and heart, a prayer without words.
It was not a disgrace, or an abomination. This…this was love!
This was what life itself was for!
"I love you," the overcome faun gasped between kisses, and the words were not blasphemy, but a blessing.
Lucy showed she loved him too—every bit as much, if not more—by the way she tightened her hold on him, and the increasingly passionate way she kissed him.
Even after the kisses had ended and the spell had broken, the faun and the girl continued to cling fiercely to one another (and Tumnus was no longer the only one weeping hysterically), caressing one another with their hands, murmuring endless endearments into one another's ears. By that time, the sun had completely vanished beyond the horizon, but the moon was a dazzling white orb in the sky, with its horde of pure, diamond-like stars. To Tumnus, it was as if all the stars were showering down on him and Lucy, surging their white fire through his heart.
Perhaps, he thought, perhaps this was Aslan's answer to his prayer.
Though his lips never moved, in his heart, Tumnus called upon the Lion one more time; this time, to say simply: Thank you, Aslan. Thank you.
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish,
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love,
Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful
'Cause I'm counting on a new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly
In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish, send it to heaven,
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy
For all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort
And protection of the highest power
In lonely hours,
The tears devour you
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh, can't you see it, baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right before you
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish,
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love,
Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do…
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me…
"Truly, Madly, Deeply" ~ as sung by Savage Garden