A/N: Um... YYYEEEAAAHHH! Can't really explain this 0_o, well I can but it would take way too long and would involve going to places I swore I would never visit again *Shudder*.
Anywho... fear my powers of CRACK HUMOUR PARODY INSANITY!
Disclaimer: Do I have to do this AGAIN *Sighs* I do not own Naruto; if I did the Kaka/Iru would be freaking canon. Oh I also don't own the Yaoinator... That stroke of genius belongs to Vithian. To be honest I pretty much don't own anything in this, just the word order.
Dedications: To Behan, Pokeyspot and Vithian. You guys are all totally responsible for this ^_^
Warnings/Ratings: This is an 'M' rated fic. Therefore it will involve copious amounts of swearing, violence, guy on guy smexy time, more swearing, the traumatizing of small children, character bashing, yet more swearing and just a general dollop of insanity.
Seriously this is full on stuff... So don't like don't read!
You have been warned and may god have mercy on your souls.
The Yaoinator.
"Fuck!"
The great and powerful Hatake Kakashi rubbed the rapidly developing lump on his head with a scowl. He had been casually relaxing in his favorite tree observing the denizens of Konoha and not, repeat not slacking off reading his beloved Icha Icha. Oh and not hiding either, because he was a brave and powerful ninja and he didn't hide, even if the fucking monstrous green beast of Konoha was looking for him. Kakashi had been dutifully been doing his... Er duty and watching over his beloved village.
It was then something had the audacity to hit him in the bloody head.
The jounin glared at the object on the ground. It didn't look like much, just rather small and shiny and round and shiny... ooh shiny. Transfixed by the ridiculous amount of shiny* Kakashi picked up the stone like object and as soon as his fingers touched the metallic surface it flared into life. The image of a young woman was projected into the air; she wore what appeared to be camouflage gear and her long hair was tied back into a tail.
"For fucks sake is this thing on" The image shook a little as an oversized finger poked the screen.
"Is the light flashing?" A second voice off screen asked.
"Yeah!" The woman yelled her voice shrill in annoyance. Kakashi winced.
"Then it should be working..."
"What about the file format?"
"Oh for fucks sake who gives a crap about the format as long as it plays!" The second voice sounded distinctly unimpressed.
The girl on screen huffed and folded her arms "Well excuse me for having some fucking pride in my work... Asshole."
"Don't get pissy with me! We haven't got the time they're almost through!"
"Shit... Um Okay. This is a message from the future or some such shit, hopefully if our scientists aimed right this should be falling into the hands of Kakashi Hatake. If not, STOP LISTENING NOW ASSHAT AND GO AND GIVE IT TO KAKASHI!
Right assuming that all has now gone to plan I am talking to you Hatake. The year I am speaking to you from is 21XX. The world is in chaos and has been completely dominated by a group of individuals known as the 'litigators'. They are an evil organization out to control the world by controlling content and destroying anything that is remotely 'offensive' or 'Unconventional' thus far they have succeeded. We are the last resistance group, a small band of Yaoi fan-fiction writers and we need your help. So far they have destroyed all of our pairings, except one.
Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka
Please Kakashi for the sake of humanity, love, creative freedom and kinky, kinky man smex you and Iruka must survive. They are sending someone after you, a 'Yaoinator' one of their elite destruction robots.
Please Kakashi; you and Iruka are our only hope."
The second voice screamed in the background "They're through, they're through! Oh my god it's the 'Some where's got talent' battalion, everybody run for your lives. RRRRUUUNNNNN!"
Here the picture cut out and the audio just turned to that crackly crap that gives you a headache after five minutes. Kakashi just eyed the device a silver brow raised in confusion, deciding it wasn't really worth his time and attention he threw the device over his shoulder and carried on his merry way Icha Icha perched in front of his face.
~Meanwhile in Konoha~
On the other side of town in a quiet dark alley there was a small explosion of light and not a soul paid any attention. They lived in a ninja village for fucks sake, do you have any idea how much time and resources would be consumed if they went around checking every little explosion? Lots... Lots and LOTS.
Anywho in the centre of the light... thingy, a solid shape began to form. It was humanoid in shape, bulky and vaguely Austrian looking. From its crouched position it rose up and surveyed the area, eyes menacing. Without a single twitch of facial features it stomped its bare naked ass off out the alley, right into a gaggle of kunoichi.
Eyes went wide for a second and then the women burst into laughter.
"OMG! I wouldn't be flaunting that around here if that's all you got to show for it." The first kunoichi guffawed, clutching her sides.
The humanoid looked at the women, rapidly calculating just what these humans were talking about. After a few moments his CPU just gave up flashing the message.
'Hey don't ask me, I'm a male CPU'
The group of females just giggled again at the completely lost look on the apparent man's face. Their shrill voices setting every other male within ear shot on edge.
"Yaoinator does not understand." The thing finally spoke his thick middle European accent reverberating around the enclosed street.
"She's talking about your cock, you stupid bastard." One of the kunoichi was getting bored, there were people out there to kill and she wasn't doing it.
At the word 'cock' the CPU flared into life and a maniacal red glint came into the eyes of the Yaoinator. The words whirled in front of his eyes a repeating stream of text.
Cock
Slang: Vulgar.
A.
Penis.
B.
Sexual relations with a man.
Inappropriate material detected...
Action required: DESTROY!
"Yaoinator SMASH!"
A loud multi chorused scream ripped through the air along with a distinct squelching sound that quite frankly those in the area didn't really want to think too much about. They had already been traumatized enough that morning by seeing a number of Konoha's elite running around in neon pink lycra shorts, fuzzy leg warmers and a virtually see through tank top. The elite weren't telling and so no one dared asked.
~Yet another location shift~
Umino Iruka sat at the missions' desk his head already pounding like a kettle drum and his temper dangerously close to snapping. So far today he'd sent thirteen separate mission reports back to their owners for rewriting, broken up two scuffles (i.e. all out ninja wars) and suitably traumatized a majority of Konoha's population with clever usage of the substitution jutsu, which of course when asked 'He did not know anything about.' One did not gain their reputation as a master prankster by kiss and telling, although he did suspect Genma knew he had a hand in the shenanigan. But then again Iruka now had a rather fetching picture of him in pink.
Ah the joys of blackmail.
All in all it had been very trying and very tiring morning and it didn't help that Tsunade was snoozing off a hangover, therefore adding to his work load. Massaging his temples he let out a grand sigh, making every person in the vicinity flinch in fear. Surely his day could not get any worse?
He would later regret his youthful naivety to quote a certain sparkly individual.
The door swung open and in strode the one and only Hatake Kakashi complete with bored indifferent look and notorious reading material open in front of his face. Iruka ground his teeth in frustration truly Kami-sama hated him today indeed. Forcing a smile on his face he faced the jounin and held out his hand expectantly.
"Good morning Kakashi-sensei."
Kakashi didn't make a sound still far to engrossed in his book and Iruka felt the vein in his forehead tick. He had been waiting for the opportunity to unload on someone and it looked as if the brunette had found a victim. The forced smile turned into a cruel smirk and the other members of the room fled already knowing what such a look on the mission room tyrant's face meant.
"I said good morning Kakashi-sensei."
Again he was ignored the silver haired man seemingly too far away in perverted Lala land to care. Well that was all well and good; at least Iruka had a justifiable reason to hurt the bastard now. Or at least one he could spin to Tsunade, picking up the full coffee cup he was about to launch it when...
"Someone told me that you and I should have sex."
The cup dropped from the brunette's hand in sheer surprise and splashed all over his lap, the delayed shock just causing Iruka to gape and not jump up screaming at his scalded manly bits. Kakashi continued.
"I don't know why but some crazy woman from another place said that you and I having sex would save the whole of humanity."
Finally lucidity returned and Iruka jumped up swearing bloody murder and rubbing at the soaked crotch.
"OWWW Fuck, shit, bollocks, gaping clustercunt! What the HELL Kakashi? Have you been at the medicinal herbs again?"
The jounin looked offended "No and that was only that one time."
"Then what the HELL was that?"
"I told you I found a shiny thing and some woman inside the shiny thing said that you and I need to have sex to save love, peace, creativity and the entirety of mankind!"
"Seriously are you sure you passed your last Psych evaluation?"
Kakashi looked extremely put out and even from Iruka's position he could see the mask stick out slightly around the man's mouth.
"You're not pouting are you?" Iruka asked aghast.
"So what if I am."
"You... Argh never mind. This is why I don't ever want to become a jounin. Do you have your report or not?"
The silver haired man scratched the back of his head in a sheepish fashion.
"Well ya' see."
The chunnin groaned and rubbed his scar is exasperation, honestly jounin were worse than pre-genin from their excuses to their general insanity level. It was enough to give anyone a headache.
"If you tell me the woman in the shiny thing ate I swear I will disembowel you."
"..."
"So?"
"You told me not to tell you."
At this point several things happened. Tsunade woke up, Iruka went an interesting shade of puce and a decidedly manly looking person smashed through the mission room doors clad in a mini skirt and fish net top. All attention immediately turned to the newcomer. Some of those who had been brave (or stupid enough) to attempt to ride out Iruka's wrath just stared in complete shock at the monstrosity before them. Others promptly tossed their cookies into the nearest waste basket. Tsunade let out a groan and clutched her head, blaming the hangover and weird alcoholic concoctions for the hallucination.
Kakashi and Iruka were completely oblivious, still caught up in their rapidly escalating 'debate.'
"I am looking for Umino Iruka." The thick heavy voice commanded.
No one in the room moved and all that could be heard was the brunette's rapidly pitching voice.
"I don't care what the lady in the shiny said I am not going anywhere with you and nor would I touch you with anything less than fifty foot barge pole!"
"But Iruka-sensei."
"Don't you Iruka-sensei me you insane, perverted moron. It was obviously a joke."
"But what if it wasn't..."
"Wasn't... Are you shitting me! Can you honestly believe that any of that message was real and people call you a genius... genius my left foot..."
The chunnin was really getting ramped up for a full blown rant when a large hand clasped his shoulder causing him to pause and refocus his target.
"WHAT NOW!" He screamed, not taking in the rather peculiar attire on the man in front of him. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO TEACH THIS PERVERTED IDIOT A LESSON?"
The man seemed completely unfazed by the rather loud human screaming in his face and the red eyes glinted maniacally.
"Are you Umino Iruka?" He asked again, his thick accent making the words seem even more sinister.
Iruka growled and twisted out of the man grasp, what was it with people molesting him both physically and mentally today? Honestly he was going to have to ask Ibiki for some help with repulsion techniques because this was getting out of hand. Think much happier thoughts of death and destruction.
The chunnin replied. "Yes what of it."
The Yaoinator pulled a shotgun out from a place best left unmentioned and pointed it at the sensei's head. For a split second the entire room froze due to A) The fact that someone had produced an unknown object from places unknown and B) They were stupid enough to point it at someone in a room containing the most powerful ninja in the country.
"INTENSIVE CHAKRA NIPPLE BLAST!"
It appeared Tsunade had finally gotten her wits about her and decided to do something about the situation. Either that or she was just bored, one could never tell with ninja's of Kage rank.
Moving on...
A beam of the brightest blue white light collected in the chest of the blond and it fired straight toward the intruder, it hit squarely sending the Yaoinator flying out of the previously destroyed door. All eyes turned to the Hokage eyes wide with wonder; she was stood behind her desk two rather distinct holes burnt through the shirt she was wearing. A majority of the men in the room promptly passed out, Tsunade may have been old enough to most of those guys mother but hey you can't fault a good pair.
"Take that you bastard! No one threatens my chief paperwork minion and gets away with it!"
She then sat back down and went back to sleep. The room collectively sighed in amusement at their leaders antics.
Iruka was willing to over look the fact that he was considered the Hokage's minion in lieu of the fact she more than likely just saved his life.
"Well that was entertaining." Kakashi said, inconspicuously rubbing his mask.
"Yes it's a regular Shakespeare." Iruka replied sarcastically, wishing for just one day where the strange and bizarre didn't occur.
Their banter was abruptly cut short as loud bang echoed through the mission room and several members of the congregation hit the floor bleeding. Both chunnin and jounin whirled around to where the sound had originated and gaped in shock. The man was back on his feet brandishing what they now knew was a weapon.
"What the FUCK!"
"Target identified as Umino Iruka. Commence eradication."
Iruka paled dramatically as once again the shotgun was trained upon him, his brown eyes widening as he saw the trigger pulled in almost slow motion. He saw the small explosion occur in the barrel and closed his eyes tightly and opened them a split second later as a large body barreled into him dragging him to the ground. Growling Iruka pushed up knocking whoever had pulled him down onto the floor off of him, making sure he got a good kick in for proprieties sake
"Well that wasn't very nice sensei." The low voice teased in a slightly pained voice.
The growl turned into a groan as the brunette realized just who had saved his life. Great that meant he had to be nice to the perverted bastard now.
"I'm a ninja what do you expect?" He retorted scathingly.
"Oh I don't know some flowers maybe a parade or two."
"Some other time perhaps, right now I'm kind of busy not having my head blown off by some demented super-being."
"Oh you mean the Yaoinator." Kakashi replied, now sitting crossed-legged on the floor admiring his nails.
"The WHAT...?" Iruka looked at the silver haired man as though he had grown another head and a pair of breasts just for good measure.
"The Yaoinator..." The jounin said slowly as though explaining algebra to a three year old "The thing that woman from wherever said was going to come after us..."
"GOING TO COME AFTER US! AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO MENTION IT FOR WHAT REASON!"
Kakashi shrugged. "Didn't seem important."
"Didn't seem important, DIDN'T SEEM IMPORTANT!"
Iruka was going a rather bright shade of red, the vein on his forehead on the verge of erupting in a spectacular fashion. The silver haired man sat across from him seemed blissfully unaware of his impending death by school teacher.
"I always have people after me what's one more."
The thinly veiled control Iruka had over his temper snapped and he grabbed hold of Kakashi's flak jacket, murderous intent shooting off him. He began to shake the jounin like a rag-doll the strength increasing with every movement.
"Well excuse me for not being some all powerful jounin who has hoards of people after his stupid fluffy head. I suppose we all can't be fucking insanely stupid mother-fuckers with more killing skills than sense you absolute asshat!"
"Oh will you two PLEASE just get a room already!" A clear feminine voice rang out over the congregation.
During the small argument it appeared the Tsunade had woken up again and was once again standing on the work desk, eyes blazing and assets hanging. Iruka gaped at the statement the red on his face now there for a very different reason while Kakashi just waved his hand in a nonchalant fashion. Behind the two men the metallic 'click' of ammunition sliding into place signaled that their stalker was ready for his next assault. However instead of turning on Iruka, the Yaoinator turned to Tsunade instead his CPU whirling on overtime.
Indecent exposure
Inappropriate action detected.
Action required: DESTROY!
"Yaoinator CRUSH!"
The Hokage looked distinctly unimpressed "Bring it on big boy. SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT!"
From their perch on the floor the two remaining conscious members of the room (the rest had once again been knocked out by Tsunade's 'Nekkid booby no jutsu') looked on in undisguised horror as their leader prepared to fight.
"Iruka..." Kakashi whispered "Do you trust me?"
The brunette didn't even have to think "No..."
"Good man."
Iruka didn't have long to ponder the response as a pair of thin strong arms encircled his waist. He tried to struggle and squirm away but the arms held firm. In the background the Hokage's shout of 'Boo-bie-ha-me-haaa' signaled that it was probably time to leave. Still holding the fidgeting Iruka tight Kakashi performed a quick teleportation jutsu and as the last leaf swirled to the floor the entire mission room exploded in a blaze of glory. From the rooftop they had jutsu'd to, the two Nin's had prime seats to the chaos. The whole mission's bureau was engulfed in a brilliant blue green light and then...
BOOM!
The whole top of the building was gone.
"Well that was interesting." Kakashi said, running a hand through his hair.
Iruka didn't reply his brown eyes wide at the destruction before him. This had to be a horrific nightmare; he knew he shouldn't have eaten that ramen before he went to sleep the previous evening. If this was what was going to happen when he had late night snacks he was swearing off the stuff completely. Sure Naruto would be upset but anything was better than this.
"Earth to Iruka-sensei..."
"Hn..." Oh really eloquent Iruka, the sensei berated himself. "Did you say something Kakashi-sensei?"
"Yes... I was saying NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME!"
The brunette glared "I suppose I'm going to have too. But I want to know exactly what that crazy bitch in the shiny thing told you."
"Of course sensei."
And Kakashi told him.
And Iruka went green.
And... Just and.
"Y-you mean they write about u-us..."
"Doing the nasty yeah." Kakashi leered.
"B-but I'm straight."
"Me to, but that doesn't stop them."
Somewhere across the time space continuum a choir of voices screamed 'DENIAL.'
Moving on again...
The brunette turned from a green colour to a ghostly pale, somewhat concerned Kakashi placed an arm around the other man in what he thought was a comforting gesture. Immediately Iruka flinched, the pale disappearing in an instant.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
The silver haired man hastily withdrew his arm looking sheepish, as though he'd just woken up a sleeping crocodile.
"Better, much better. So what do we do now?"
"We go underground. I seriously doubt that thing is dead."
Iruka looked shocked "Why do you say that?"
"Just a feeling..." Kakashi shrugged "...That and it's currently creeping up behind us."
"WHAT!" Iruka bellowed, spinning around.
Sure enough the monstrosity of a transvestite was trudging toward them, its previous outfit in tatters and what looked suspiciously like skin hanging off the protruding metal skeleton. The brunette balked visibly and that took quite a feat of grossness, he had after all worked with Udon for years and that kid was just plain nasty. Honestly had the kid never heard of a tissue? But I digress the current state of their pursuer was just horror inducing. Kakashi taking this as his cue grabbed the other man by the hand and began dragging him along the rooftops, Iruka is his revolted mind set just followed to numb and traumatized to protest. The danced from rooftop to rooftop with ease but still they could not seem to shake the demented looking android, who was becoming increasingly frustrated with his prey's elusion. Things were going so well until a particularly old and well worn roof decided to give way under both men's feet and they plummeted into the darkness below.
Simultaneous cries of 'SHIT!' echoed across the village and were once again mostly ignored.
When both men came too (about 10.5 seconds after hitting the floor) each had a decidedly different reaction to their surroundings. Iruka groaned loudly clutching his head and attempted to gauge his eyes out, Kakashi on the other hand smiled perversely and rubbed his hands together in unholy glee. Now this was his kind of place.
"Of all the places in all of Konoha we could fall into, we had to fall into the only 24/7 rave club and fetish bar."
Kakashi's smile grew every wider as he took in the surroundings, all around him all manner of perverted and lewd acts were being performed all to the most head-banging music possible. The steady darkness of the large room broken by the gaping hole in the roof, illuminating the racks, whips, chains, iron maidens, maids and other numerous implements of pain and pleasure. On the floor Iruka stared on in dumb horror silently wondering just how many deities he'd pissed off in a previous incarnation to receive this much bad karma. Their musings were abruptly cut short as the light dimmed, shadowed by something following the two Nin down the hole. Both men just dodged as the Yaoinator almost landed on top of them crashing knee deep into what they assumed to be the dance floor.
All around the patrons of the club looked on with a distinct air of, well, fury. The Yaoinator however had just stopped moving and was paying no heed to the murderous intent being thrown its way. Kakashi and Iruka however looked intrigued, maybe the fall had stopped the monster.
Yeah like that was going to happen.
Numerous acts of perversion
Inappropriate sexual acts
Terrible fashion sense
Crimes against music
Overload... Overload...
Must reboot...
Reboot in t-minus four minutes fifty five seconds.
The red eyes went dead and the man monster slumped forward.
"EVERYONE OUT THE CLUB NOW!" Iruka cried.
The clubs patrons looked confused and none of the moved towards the exit. Iruka felt like pulling out his hair, didn't these people realize they were about to be brutally and horribly mutilated by the insane thing slouched in the middle of the room. A crackle of electricity lit the air and all focus turned to Kakashi both eyes exposed and narrowed in a frightful look.
"You heard the man." He said, tone deadly serious as he cradled the Chidori "EVERYBODY OUT NOW!"
The room emptied in a flash the people apparently recognizing the trademark move and mismatched eyes of the copy-nin and deciding that disobeying probably wouldn't be worth the effort.
Iruka sighed "Was that really necessary?"
"It worked didn't it and now for this pain in my ass."
And he thrust the Chidori forward to absolutely no effect, the Yaoinator remained completely unscathed.
"Well that was unexpected."
"Tell me about it. If you can't destroy it what do we do? I can't be running from this thing forever."
For the first time since the whole ordeal started Kakashi actually looked embarrassed and that caused a kernel of extreme worry to twist in Iruka's gut.
"I think I may have an idea on how to destroy this thing." The jounin said slowly.
"And why does that phrase fill me with dread..."
"Um... Well did you notice how the Yaoinator well shut down after he got overloaded..."
"Yeah..." Iruka replied in a slow slightly dubious voice.
"Well maybe if we do something even more outrageous and um... perverted it would blow his entire system."
The brunette's jaw dropped open, his face darkening in what could only be called the royal flush of blushes.
"Y-you... don't mean..."
"Um... yeah..."
"Please tell me you're kidding..." Iruka went pale.
"Um... Nope."
"Oh... Kami..." The sensei went green.
"Well think of it this way if it's doesn't work you're gonna die and if it does work I can always Sharingan your ass."
The brunette seemed to consider the options. On one hand he could go along with Kakashi's plan and either die or get his memory wiped. On the other hand he could keep running until the end of time...
Yep it was gonna be running until the end of time option.
Iruka was about to turn and start running when a pair of lips crashed into his own, the brunette's eyes went wide as he gazed into Kakashi's miss-matched eyes.
"MMMmmmmHHhhh" (Muffle translation: WHAT THE FUCK!)
"mmMMMMMmmhhmmmmHHHH (M/T: I dunno the damned thing was waking up.)
"MMmmmm!mmmmmmmmm" (M/T: So what! I was gonna run.)
"MMM!MmmHHhhMMMhhhh! (M/T: COWARD! Take it like a man!)
"MMMHhhhHHHHMM!MmmmmMMMmHHHH...mmmmmmm" (M/T: Screw THAT! I'm not taking anything from you... Ohhh that feels good.)
"MHMHHHMMmmmmmhhhhhh!" (M/T: That's not all I'm good at!)
The two parted and looked at each other somewhat sheepishly and then looked at the Yaoinator. The brute was indeed awake again and processing.
Inappropriate man on man relations.
Action required: ... Processing...
(A/N: This is where it starts getting graphic. For those of you who like your smut read on. For those of you who don't well I'll leave another note like this when it's over^_^)
"Quick do something else, before he finishes processing." Iruka yelled.
Kakashi immediately set to it and tackled the sensei to the ground once again locking lips with the man and quickly divesting both men of their flak jackets and shirts. In a matter of minutes both men were grinding against one another moaning like it was going out of fashion.
The Yaoinator just watched his brain still processing the vast array of crimes.
"Dammit I think we're gonna have to go a little further." Iruka muttered, gasping as the jounin bit down on one of his nipples.
The silver haired man didn't reply but latched onto the other nipple and forcefully bit down causing the sensei to buck and groan under his ministrations. Slowly he made his way down the tanned body lick and caressing every sliver of skin with hand and tongue. It was different from being with a woman Kakashi would give it that, but it was still good, still exciting and Iruka kept making all those little noises that were slowly driving away his sanity. The silver haired man stopped as he reached the waistband of the brunette's pants and looked up into the dark eyes heavy with arousal and lust.
"Need...to keep going... Still not dead..." The chunnin panted, arching his back as a wave of pleasure ran down his spine.
"Sure about this?"
Iruka looked uncomfortable but nodded anyway. "It's for the sake of humanity right?"
Kakashi nodded in reply "For the sake of humanity."
Both men wriggled out of their pants their bodies crushed against one another as they again started making out, the breeze from the open roof caressing their skin causing it to goose-pimple. Breaking away Iruka grabbed hold of the very firm thing poking into his stomach and began to stroke, blushing brightly. The jounin almost howled at the torturous attention being bestowed upon him. It was as if Iruka knew exactly just what to do to make him feel good. He literally did howl a moment later when the brunette readjusted his grip to encompass both of their erections and began grinding them against one another.
"H-how are w-we d-doing?" Iruka asked weakly, his eyes were closed and his face was flushed.
"Don't know, haven't been able to keep my eyes open since you grabbed hold of me."
The brunette chuckled and opened his eyes just long enough to catch a glimpse of the Yaoinator. It was still stood on the spot CPU furiously whirring a faint wisp of smoke floating up from the brain.
"It's working but we're still nowhere close Kakashi. We are going to have to do something drastic."
Iruka's voice was so strained the copy-nin could barely make out what he said. Opening his eyes the silver haired man looked around the room for a hint of inspiration and then he saw it glaring in front of him. A wicked smile crossed the silver haired man's face and below him Iruka shuddered in fear and anticipation.
Quick as a flash Kakashi managed to grab a tube of lubricant from one of the many tables and twirled it in his fingers. The sensei looked hesitantly at the tube and then back at the jounin who had an evil grin on his face.
"Iruka have you ever heard of a 69 before?"
The brunette flushed furiously turning his head away in embarrassment "Y-yes"
"Well here is what we're going to do. I'm going to suck your cock and prepare you whilst you suck mine and prepare me. You've had the training right."
Iruka's whole body seemed to glow with embarrassment but he nodded. Of course he'd had the sexual encounters training, he was a chunnin after all.
"Good, then once we're both ready we're going to go over there."
He pointed to the corner of the room where a seemingly simple wingback chair was placed. Of course being where they where there was nothing remotely simple about the piece of furniture. The seat had a large hole cut in it, through which protruded a rather large rubber dildo apparently attached to a rotating motor. Iruka eyes bugged out of his head and he gaped at Kakashi.
"W-what... H-how."
The copy-nin grinned ferally "You're going to ride me and I'm going to ride it." His voice was husky, deep and incredibly arousing.
Iruka felt a bolt of pleasure race straight to his cock.
"Okay" He murmured, not entirely sure where his voice had come from.
Kakashi's grin widened as he squeezed a dollop of the lubricant onto his hand and Iruka could have sworn that the perverted bastard was enjoying this whole situation. Well he was too but it was a strictly professional kind of pleasure, nothing to do with the fact that he hadn't gotten laid in a while. Not. At. All.
"Let's get started then."
The two men moved into the slightly awkward position and set about their task. Iruka tentatively took the Jounin's cock in his mouth massaging it gently with his tongue, and reveling in the sensation of his own being pleasured. When the first finger slowly breached his hole it took all of the chunnin's training to resist the urge to bite down on the member in his mouth. Instead he focused on preparing Kakashi slowly circling the puckered hole before pushing in, he felt the other man tense slightly for a split second before relaxing. Slowly he pumped the lone finger in and out of the opening stretching it slightly before adding the second and then the third. Kakashi let out a groan as Iruka brushed that sensitive bundle of nerves inside him and thrust backwards.
Shocked by the reaction the brunette pulled away. "Sorry, did I hurt you?"
"Oh hell's no... I think were ready to go sensei."
The word rolled off the silver haired mans tongue and Iruka felt his skin tingle and flush bright red. Kakashi stood quickly and offered his hand to the still floored brunette, who quickly accepted it and was pulled to his feet.
The two men made their way over to the chair Iruka looking back at the Yaoinator. The machine was still standing completely still red eyes glued to two men. The faint wisp of smoke was now erupting in a large plume and the thing was shaking faintly. 'Nearly there' the brunette thought 'Nearly there'.
Kakashi positioned himself over the dildo and impaled himself on it in a single thrust, wincing slightly as he adjusted to the girth. After a few moments he seemed comfortable and beckoned Iruka over, patting his lap in a 'come hither' fashion. The sensei's flush darkened and he moved over and hovered above the Jounin's lap whilst Kakashi got himself ready and nudged the blunt head against the tanned cheeks. Iruka squirmed a little as he felt the other mans erection at his entrance and the jounin grabbed hold of his hips to steady him.
"Ready?" Kakashi asked.
"I'm ready."
Slowly, ever so slowly the chunnin sat down onto the Jounin's cock, gritting his teeth as the muscles stretched around the intruder sending fire through his veins. Iruka let a not quite moan, not quite groan pass through his parted lips as he adjusted to the foreign feeling. Behind him he felt Kakashi shaking slightly as he dug his fingers hard into the brunette's hips in an attempt to not start thrusting.
"Iruka, I need to start moving." Kakashi ground out through clenched teeth.
"Then do it." Iruka replied, his voice equally strained.
"Here take this..."
The copy-nin handed the brunette what appeared to be a small black remote. Iruka looked confused as he accepted the device but his confusion was short lived as he followed the length of wire attached to the small black box. A wicked grin split the sensei face as he pushed the first button and felt the man below him shudder violently as the dildo inside him began to move. Kakashi needed no more incentive and began to thrust upwards into the tight heat.
Across the room red eyes opened wide and the Yaoinator began to shake even more violently as its over-clocked brain attempted to process the perversion happening right in front of it.
Inappropriate male on male relations.
Extreme levels of indecent exposure
Unorthodox and perverted use of antique furniture
Unacceptable levels of sexual tension.
General acts of perversion.
Vulgar use of language.
Overload...
Overload ...
Over... Load...
Over...
The two men were rapidly reaching their climax, neither of them really paying any attention to the other occupant in the room. Iruka could feel the pressure building up in his groin and knew that Kakashi wasn't far behind him if the frantic bucking was any indication. A wild moan escaped his lips as the silver haired man grasped his aching member and began to pump it wildly, his imbedded cock striking the brunette's prostate. At that last strike Iruka lost control and came hard, screaming loudly his muscles contracting around Kakashi's cock. He felt a pair of sharp teeth bite into his shoulder as the jounin also came thrusting hard into the sensei's body.
Ooooo...
BOOM!
The explosion rocked the cavernous room and the two nin still sweating and panting from their amorous activities looked up, startled by the noise. Seeing the smoldering pile of charred and twisted metal both men smiled and sighed in relief. They had done it, they had saved humanity from a world of boring monotonous crap.
(Smut ends here peeps ^_^ Did you like the depravity?)
~Somewhere far, far away~
Two young woman ducked into a doorway and quickly pulled out a mobile phone, the sounds of bad singing and even worse dance routines blaring in the background.
"So did it work? Is there any hope?" The younger of the two asked peering over the shoulder of the first.
The older woman said nothing silently flicking through the many pages on the screen in front of her. Getting annoyed the younger began pulling on the long tail of her elder in impatience.
"Come on, come on, tell me."
Raising her gaze from the screen the other woman glared. "I would if you'd give me a chance to find the damned report! It isn't easy breaking into their database."
"I told you, you should have let me do it." The voice was sulky.
"What you mean like last time. When we had to hide out in a broom closet for three days because you 'accidentally' gave out all our details."
"Says you who somehow managed to download something that was blatantly a virus because it had your favorite band on."
"Quiet you!" There was a death glare.
"Yeah, yeah whatever. Just find out already."
Silence reigned as the older woman furiously typed onto the phone, systematically taking down all of the litigators cyber barriers. Finally after a few moments the page they had been looking for, the black box recording and report from the Yaoinator mission.
"YES! Not only did they manage to escape the thing, they managed to DESTROY IT! How in the name of all that's fucking holy did they manage to pull that one off? Those things are virtually indestructible."
"I dunno, maybe the black box recording holds the answers,"
"Good thinking!"
They quickly clicked onto the black box recording file and waited for the pop-up to load. Finally after what seemed like an eternity the video was ready to rock and roll and without hesitation clicked play.
And promptly nearly passed out from blood loss.
"Oh. My. God."
"Is that..."
"Holy fucking Yaoi gods!"
The two women looked at one another tissues blocking their streaming noses and an idea occurred to both of them simultaneously.
"Black market?"
"Black market."
And the whole world rejoiced at truly being saved from boring, monotonous crap.
~The End~
*Inspired by DarkAuroran's fic 'CRACKED' Seriously it WAY better than this.
A/N: Ta-Dah it's finished! It's finally finished *Dances for joy* The scary thing is I'm currently sat in work on my new netbook and the irony of what I'm writing and the fact my netbook is Icha Icha orange has only just occurred to me. Life's funny like that sometimes ^_^.
Seriously this is why I'm not allowed to write brain vomit fiction anymore. I generally just write whatever comes to my head and well... y-e-a-h that's NEVER good.
So did you Love it? ... Hate it?... Have casual indifference toward? Leave me some love or a scathing remark down there.
Go on push the pretty review button... PUSH IT!
Smaell ^_-;