"I Can't Let Go of What's In Front of Me Here"
by: singyourmelody
Disclaimer: Don't own any Degrassi characters. This is my second fic in two weeks and oddly enough, it's another Degrassi one. Hmm. I can't help it, I've been sucked into the "Boiling Point." It's my (not so) secret shame. This kinda jumps through all of Holly J and Sav's university years. Sorry if it's confusing. Spoilers through "All Falls Down, Part One." Title and song lyrics are from Paramore's "Only Exception."
and that was the day I promised
i'd never sing of love
if it does not exist
It wasn't that complicated.
And that was the beauty of it really. Enemies, friends with benefits, couple, whatever it was, it would end on graduation.
"Shake hands and go our separate ways," he had said. And she was lonely and this was her senior year, and dammit, she deserved to have some fun. So did he.
So, it was him. So what? She did was she wanted to. So did he. It wasn't that complicated and it worked.
He helps her load her last box into her car before she drives off to university, to her new life, the one without him in it.
As he shuts the back of her hatchback (quickly so that nothing falls out—he never was that great of a packer), she suddenly feels awkward.
But this is Sav and she knows him and she knows she can tell him anything. They're supposed to breaking up right now, anyway, right?
"So do you feel as awkward as I do?" she says, echoing his sentiments from after the first time they kissed.
He laughs. She might actually miss that laugh, she realizes.
"Yes," he replies, before reaching down and scooping her up in his arms. She always fit well against him and she hugs him back.
He sets her down and stares at her. She stares back. Are they communicating with their eyes now? she thinks, scolding herself. But she understands what his are saying. This is the end they both knew was coming.
She feels something like tears welling up in her eyes and she knows she has to get out of there before they start spilling onto her cheeks.
So she forces her hand out. "We said we'd shake hands and say goodbye, right?"
He smiles a small smile and touches her hand.
They shake for just a second and the waterworks are threatening to break through at any time by this point so she mumbles a goodbye and gets in her car, forcing herself to look straight ahead and not in the rearview mirror as she leaves Degrassi behind.
Her dorm room looks great, smaller than she had expected but it's all hers (well, hers and her yet unknown roommate's) and that excites her.
Three provinces away, he's been there for less than a day and his dorm room is already a disaster. He chuckles when he thinks about what Holly J would say if she saw it. And then he mentally checks himself, before heading off to explore the dining hall.
(And he'd never admit that he thought the first girl he saw was her. She had the same golden red hair and it was from far away. It doesn't mean anything. Really.)
It's Christmas break and they are both back in Degrassi. She's been home for a day and is lying on her bed, unsure of what to do with herself, when she decides to text him.
She's not sure if she's allowed to do that, but it's Christmas and she's home and there's only about three people she wants to see and he's one of them. She's still not entirely sure when that happened.
He's at her house twenty minutes later and they sit at her dining room table and eat the popcorn that they're supposed to be stringing together as garland for the Christmas tree.
She asks him about his first semester.
It's been great. He tells her of his new friends, of the professor that is constantly breathing down his neck, of this girl that he might be interested in. He pauses there. They aren't anything, but it still feels strange to talk about other girls. So he changes the subject and asks her about her first semester.
She tells him that everything's amazing. Her roommate is amazing. Her classes are amazing. Her friends are amazing.
And she's lying about all of it and worst of all, he knows it.
So he calls her on it.
She clears her throat and moves to hang one of the popcorn strings on the tree. He walks over and stands beside her and touches her shoulder and she can't help but lean into it ever so slightly.
"Holly J?" he asks quietly.
She finally looks up at him and forces her face to crack into a small smile. "What?" she shrugs. "So university absolutely sucked this semester. Got nowhere else to go but up, right?"
She sits back down at the table and he follows. "What happened?"
"I don't have any friends. My classes are so boring and my roommate likes to party. Like all the time. Do you know how hard it is to get puke stains out of silk, let alone sleep with all the 3:00 a.m. dance parties and arguments over who should have to go buy the next round?" she says, earnestly.
He stares at her for a second, before letting out a big, bellowing laugh.
She glares at him. "Fine, just have one huge laugh-fest at my pain."
He continues laughing and she knows he's joking. She starts recalling the time Janet came home so drunk she crawled into bed with Holly J, wrapped her arms around her, and called her "Pooky" over and over again. He's clutching his side, he's laughing so hard. She's laughing too, she realizes.
They finally stop, both out of breath. She's staring at him.
"What?" he says eventually.
"Nothing, it's just. . . Janet really is ridiculous. And I haven't had anyone to laugh with about it. Or even tell about it."
They sit in silence for a second.
He's analyzing her. And it makes her uncomfortable.
"Why don't you have any friends?" he asks.
"I don't know. I couldn't find anyone to relate to," she states.
He shakes his head. "That's bull and you know it. Didn't you join an extracurriculars or clubs or anything?"
She doesn't answer.
He leans forward and she forces herself to make eye contact.
"Why not, Holly J?" he asks, gently.
"Not all of us are as good with people as you are," she says. She can't help that she sounds a little bitter.
He looks at her skeptically.
"And the B.S. continues. . ." he says. "What's the real reason?"
She shrugs. "I honestly don't know. It didn't seem worth the effort to get to know anyone."
Her eyes look sad. And he feels a little bad for prodding so hard.
Finally he says, "Why didn't we talk at all this semester?"
"I don't know. I kinda thought that was part of the deal," she responds.
"Well if that's the deal, then it sucks. And we need a new one."
She nods. "Sounds good."
He texts her during their first day back to class.
"Knock 'em dead, pardner."
She smiles and signs up for the school newspaper. It's a step in the right direction.
They're both home for the summer.
She had tried to get a job on campus, but nothing seemed to come through and "Little Miss Steaks" welcomed her back with open arms.
(She hates that stupid cowgirl vest and hat more than any clothing items on the planet. But she needs money. Sometimes she hates adulthood, too.)
Peter gets Sav a job at The Dot. Sometimes when she's cleaning the table by the window, she'll look up and see him serving coffee. Once she looks up to see him waving to her. They start meeting up for their lunch breaks.
"Why does Peter keep giving me the stink eye?" she asks him one Tuesday, reaching over and stealing one of his french fries.
He debates whether or not he should tell her the truth. But they are friends now, so why not?
"Um, the day you left for university, I kinda had a rough time of it, even though we said no hard feelings. Peter was the one to snap me out of it and remind me of the agreement you and I had agreed on. The deal that I came up with. And now you're looking at me weird. . . I shouldn't have said anything," he finishes, looking down at his plate.
"No," she says finally. "I had a hard time too."
"Yeah?" he says.
"Well yeah, Sav. Over the course of the year, you became my best friend. And you know, a little more. It was hard to say goodbye to you," she admits. She suddenly feels a surge of affection in her chest for how open they can be with each other.
He grins. "We should've just talked about it."
"I know."
"Anyway, Peter thinks, no matter how many times I tell him otherwise, that you broke my heart," he says, reaching his hand over his plate to steal one of her onion rings.
Her eyes grow wide. "I didn't, right?"
"No, of course not! I was just upset that day, because we had spent like every day for the previous eight months together."
She lets out a breath. "Okay, good. I'd never want to hurt you, Sav."
"Of course you don't. I'd never want to hurt you either, Holly J." They eat quietly for a few moments. "I'll call off Peter."
She laughs. "Thanks." All of a sudden she gets an idea. Her face lights up.
"What are you thinking?" he says, narrowing his eyes.
"We need a project. And I've got just the thing: Peter! We should find him a girlfriend," she exclaims, practically clapping her hands together.
"Uh, I don't know. . ." he says hesitantly.
"No, it'll be perfect. Less time to worry about your love life. . ."
"Well, I would appreciate that. . ."
". . . and more time to be concerned with his own. Now let's see, who's available? I think Judy 's away for the summer, but Kendra might be available. I think they'd actually be a good match. Now how to get them together? It has to seem natural, you know. . ."
She continues this way for a while, as he watches her, smiling.
Three weeks into the new semester, he calls her.
"Well?" she says, not even using the usual salutations or greetings.
"She said 'yes!'" he says. She envisions him walking across campus as he talks. No, make that skipping. Yes, with all the energy she hears in his voice, he's definitely skipping.
"I knew she would," she replies back to him. "What are you going to wear? And please dear Lord, tell me you learned some new dance moves."
"Excuse me, but if I remember correctly, you danced with me a lot during grade twelve."
"Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings and it was prom. It was a crazy night," she responds.
"I haven't been to a dance since then," he admits. "But it's still cool to do the sprinkler, right?"
"No way."
"The lawnmower?"
"Definitely not."
"The summer squash?"
"That's a dance move?"
"Hey!"
"Hey!" she mimics back.
"Now you've got me all nervous that I will look like an idiot dancing."
"Don't be nervous. Stick mostly to slow songs if you can and if you have to dance to a fast song, just stay within your box," she instructs.
"My box?"
"Yeah, keep your hands in the space between your shoulders and hips."
"But. . ."
"No buts. Oh, hey my class is starting, so I have to go. Good luck Romeo."
"Thanks, Holly J."
"And Sav?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really happy for you."
"Thanks."
She doesn't hear from him for two weeks, but when she does, she's suddenly gone from dance instructor to relationship counselor.
"She actually brought another guy along with her?" she asks, incredulous.
"Yeah. At first I thought it might be her brother or a cousin or a gay best friend, but no, she definitely brought a date to our date," he says. Judging by his tone, he's sitting by a university fountain or near the quad, head buried in his hands.
"It'll be okay?" she offers. She knows it's not much.
"Yeah. I just don't get it."
"Okay, do you want the 'There's More Fish in the Sea and You'll Find Someone Better' speech or the 'Let's Each Go to the Store, Buy Some Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, Watch "Fried Green Tomatoes," and Commiserate on our Lack of Love Lives' speech? It's your choice."
"Did you say ice cream?" he asks, his voice perking up.
She laughs. "I'm walking to the campus store as we speak."
"Me too," he says.
"University store employees must be prepared for lots of breakups," he says, a few minutes later as he's standing over the rather large ice cream selection.
"Are you there?" she asks through the phone.
"Yes. What exactly is a 'Chubby Hubby'?"
She smiles at the phone and looks down at the pint of ice cream in her hand. She runs her fingers over the title: "Chubby Hubby."
"Only the best ice cream ever," she says. "Buy it. You won't regret it."
He's already headed to the register.
"Are you going to be alright?" she asks, as she walks out of her university's store.
"Yes, I'll be fine."
"Okay. Towanda!" she exclaims.
"What?" he asks.
"Wait until you've seen 'Fried Green Tomatoes.' You'll understand. I saw on the listings that it's on channel five tonight," she replies, as she makes her way back to her dorm room.
Two and a half hours later, phone still pressed to her ear, she asks what he thought of the movie.
"Nothing blew up," is his only response.
"Well, yeah, it's kinda a girlie movie. But it always makes me feel better when I'm down."
"I think I would've felt a little better if something had blown up."
She laughs. "Oh right, I forgot. You're a guy," she says sarcastically.
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean? You used to be very aware that I am a guy."
And just like that the air between them is charged with something that's a lot more than friendship and little bit like home.
"I know," she says quietly. She lies down on her bed and pulls her pillow tight to her. Her mobile phone is making her ear hot, but she doesn't care.
"Don't go yet, okay?" he almost whispers.
"I won't," she says.
"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas," he says as he walks into Little Miss Steaks, two months later.
She suppresses a squeal, runs and gives him a lung-crushing hug.
"Good to see you too, pardner," he chokes out.
She lightly slaps his arm. "You've got to stop calling me that."
He doesn't respond, but just grins a goofy grin at her.
"What is it?" he asks finally.
"I met a guy!" she exclaims.
She waits to give him details until her shift is over and they are sitting on the couch in her living room. He brought winecoolers. She's glad her parents aren't home.
She sips hers slowly and tells him how she met Philip (he spilled coffee all over her), how they started dating (he brought her a coffee every day for the next week), and how he's pretty much perfect for her (well, he is). He's driven and he's got plans for his life and he likes coffee and he has sandy brown hair and warm, hazel colored eyes. Perfect.
He listens intently.
"So, what do you think?" she asks finally.
"What do you think?" he responds.
"I think that I really like him," she says, all seriousness.
"Then I think it's great," he says, not quite meeting her eyes.
"Sav?" she asks.
He's clearly uncomfortable and gets up off of the couch. "Yeah?"
"What do you really think?"
He sighs, "What does it matter, Holly J?"
"It matters to me. You're my friend."
He nods. "Then I think he sounds fine, but are you sure? He kinda sounds like Declan 2.0."
She's taken aback at this statement. "Philip is nothing like him," she says defiantly.
"Him? You still can't even say his name? It's be over two years. You need to move past this."
"Move past this?" she echoes.
"Yes, move on. Stop making the same mistakes."
"Mistakes," she states dryly. "What about the mistakes you make? What was her name, 'Miss Double Dater'? Maybe you should stop picking girls who you know are going to break your heart."
"When have I ever done that?" he counters, his voice rising as he takes a step towards her.
"Anya."
"Anya and I had a really good relationship." She looks at him skeptically as he says this. So he relents, "Okay, so it was good for like two months, and the rest was kinda bad, but we aren't talking about me, we're talking about you and your Declan clone. Declan was the first guy you ever let get close to you and yeah, it didn't work out. That doesn't mean you should flock to every guy who reminds you of him."
"Now you're just being spiteful," she responds.
"Spiteful."
"Yes, spiteful. You're mad because I have someone and you don't."
He laughs. Laughs at her. "Is that what you really think? That I don't want you to be happy?" He takes another step towards her.
"I don't know," she almost yells. She honestly doesn't know. She's always so sure about everything, but lately she's been finding more and more than she just doesn't know with him.
He groans in frustration. "How can you think that?"
"Because, because, what else am I supposed to think?"
"You're not supposed to think. You're supposed to know that I want what's best for you!"
They are yelling now.
They've never yelled at each other before. Not even when they broke up.
"Well Philip is what is best for me!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. You don't get to second guess me here!"
"I'm not second guessing you. I'm trying to protect you!"
"From what? Myself? Stop trying to save me!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
They pause here, both momentarily out of breath. They are six inches apart, and he's just staring at her. And suddenly the look in his eyes is like nothing she's ever seen from him before.
And within a second of that thought, his lips are on hers and his hands are cupping her face and she can't think of anything except how everything about this moment feels right.
But then her brain interrupts and she remembers she's totally seeing the perfect guy, so she pulls away.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he's saying as he moves to the farthest point in the room. Away from her.
"No, it's okay," she manages to croak out.
"No, it's not. You just told me you're dating someone else and what do I do? I kiss you."
"Yeah."
Silence envelopes them for moment.
"But you know what?" she says quietly. "I kissed you back."
He looks up at her then.
As soon as their eyes lock, they are once again drawn towards each other. She doesn't even stop to think, doesn't want to. Her hands are running through his hair and his mouth is on her neck and for the first time since she left Degrassi High School she thinks to herself: Home.
"Have you seen my bra?" she asks, shuffling through their scattered clothes.
"You'll find it," he says. She scoffs and turns to look at him. He's still lying on her bed, hands behind his head, the widest smile on his face.
"Stop it."
"Stop what?" he asks.
"Stop looking like you just got some."
"Well, in case you hadn't noticed, I did just get some," he says, his smile getting even bigger.
"Sav!" she exclaims, poking his side.
"Ow!"
"Serves you right."
He tugs on her arm and pulls her to him. She snuggles into his side.
"Do you remember the first time we did this?" she asks.
"Yeah. I don't remember it feeling quite this good though."
"It didn't. It almost seems like it means more now."
"Holly J, did you just veer off into relationship territory?" he questions, teasingly.
"Of course not. That's not what we do," she says quickly. At her statement, the expression on his face becomes unreadable, so she adds, "Pardner."
He smiles then. "Oh, so you're allowed to say it, but I'm not."
"Yup."
"How is that fair?"
She smiles back at him. "It's not."
He doesn't reply, but reaches his arms around her, tickling her sides.
"Stop it! Stop!" she squeals as she inches away from him, off the bed and towards the wall.
"No way," he says, as he follows her. She runs around the bed as he chases her, before he does a quick 180 and she runs right into him. He catches her face and kisses her quickly before she even has a chance to process what's happening.
"Wow" is all she says, as he finally pulls away.
"Yeah."
It's grade twelve all over again for the three weeks they are both home.
Then he packs his suitcase and she drives him to the airport.
He seems like he wants to say something, but she hands him his ticket without so much as a goodbye.
"It's easier this way," she tells him, as she turns and walks away.
She ignores the hurt look on his face. Because really, they never were anything.
Being back at school, and away from him, makes it easier to remember that.
So she throws herself into her work, her newspaper assignments, her friend groups. She even attends a party her roommate throws. Of course, it's kind of hard not to attend when the party is in her room, but still. She's counting this one as progress.
She ignores the ache in her chest that forms when she realizes that it's been over a month since he called.
She takes a deep breath as she puts her key in the ignition. She can't believe she's about to do this. This, driving over a thousand kilometers with only a change of clothes, a granola bar, and a map. And she's never been good with maps.
"But when you figure stuff out, you have to fix it right away," she says to the empty space in her car, cementing her resolve.
She clicks on the radio as she puts the gear shift into drive.
Sweet talking the Smithland Hall third floor Resident Assistant was easier than she would've thought and she thanks her lucky stars that she can be very persuasive when she wants to be.
The RA leads her to the door marked 325 and slowly, deliberately, she raises her hand and knocks on the door.
He opens on the third knock and looks more than a little surprised to see her. She's still surprised she's even there.
"Hi," is all she can muster out.
"Hi," he responds, his face questioning.
"Can I come in?" she asks.
"Um, yeah, just, one second. . ." he says, shutting the door in her face.
She's taken aback at the hard smack of the door into the doorframe, but then she listens to what sounds like the rustling of clothes and the straightening of a bedspread and she realizes that he's cleaning his room. For her. And she can't help but smile.
The door swings open again and he ushers her in.
She takes in the small space. The walls are covered in band posters, a mini fridge sits in one corner. His bed is mostly made. She appreciates the effort.
"What are you doing here?" he says as she's surveying her surroundings.
She turns to look at him.
"I wanted to see you," she states, simply.
"You drove one thousand, four hundred and sixteen kilometers to see me?" he asks, eyes wide with disbelief.
"You know the exact number of kilometers?"
He doesn't respond and is still expecting an answer, so she says, "Yes. I drove one thousand four hundred and fifteen—"
"Sixteen."
"—Sixteen kilometers to see you. Yes."
"Why?"
"Because Philip and I had a long talk."
"Okay. . ."
"And he told me that he cheated on me over break."
"Oh."
"And I told him that I cheated on him over break."
He looks down as she says this. "You did?"
"Yes. I didn't want to keep that from him. And he was completely cool with it. Said we should continue this relationship. That we should just hang out, date and have fun, just until graduation, and then we should shake hands and go our separate ways."
"He said that?"
"Yes. And it hit me. Just like that."
"What did?"
"I don't want to be in a no strings, just till graduation relationship with Philip. I don't want to be in any relationship with Philip. I don't want to be in any relationship at all. . ."
He waits for her to continue.
". . . unless it's with you."
He looks at her but doesn't say anything.
"And I know we don't do this. The relationship thing. I know you have all the pressures from your family about marrying the girl they've chosen for you. I know that by being in a relationship with you, I could potentially be ruining the best friendship I've ever had, but none of that matters. Being with you at Christmas, I mean really with you, in every sense, made me realize that that is where I want to be," she finishes quietly.
His face is blank and a sense of dread and adrenaline rushes over her.
"And clearly, I've made a mistake by saying something," she says quickly. She grabs her bag and moves towards the door.
"No, Holly J, wait."
"Sav, you don't have to explain. I'm overstepping the line. This isn't what we do. I get it."
"No, it isn't what we do. And I don't want to do what we've always done anymore." He reaches out and touches her arm. "I want to be with you too. In every sense of the word."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he says as he closes the distance between them.
"So tell me again why you're subjecting me to this gorefest?" she asks into the phone.
"Because you've picked the movie the last three times and now it's my turn," he replies.
"That's so not—EWWWW! Sav, that's disgusting. Did you just see the way they cut that guy's head off?" she asks.
"I know. Awesome, right?"
"You're crazy," she says.
They watch for a few more minutes in silence. "I wish we were watching this together," he says.
"We are, in a way."
"It's not the same."
"I know. But I get to see you in three weeks. Three long weeks." She can't help but sound a little miserable; they haven't seen each other in months.
"And I'll get to watch you walk across the stage. In that cute little gown and hat. It'll be like our high school graduation all over again," he says, reminiscing.
"Only you would think graduation gowns are cute," she says, sarcastically. "I'm sorry I won't be able to come to your grad."
"Hol, you need to stop apologizing. I know your semester will still be going on and that you'll have exams."
She smiles when he calls her "Hol." Normally she hates that nickname, but with him, it somehow works.
"I know. I just want to be there," she replies.
"It's okay. We'll be together soon. Ooh, this is the best part," he says excitedly.
She looks back at the television. The main character, Sammy, is about to go down a darkened staircase. In the dark, by herself.
"Why do girls in movies always do this? They are so stupid. Of course, something is going to be waiting for her at the bottom," she says as a creepy hand reaches out and grabs Sammy's ankle. She screams. And so does Holly J.
Sav laughs at her through the phone.
"This is not funny! I hate these kinds of movies!" she exclaims at him.
He's still laughing, so she says, "Next time, we are watching the girliest, most ridiculous movie I can find."
"Fine," he says. "I love you."
"What?" she asks, quickly. Although they've been together for almost two years, they've never said that to each other.
"I'm sorry if that is sudden or seems out of place," he says, his words rushed, "but it's true. I love you. I have for a long time," he concludes as if it's the most natural thing in the world.
She pauses for a moment. "I haven't said that to anyone since Declan," she says finally. She hopes that he notices that she used Declan's name.
"I know. No pressure, okay?"
The credits start rolling on the screen.
It's an ending, but she's not finished yet.
"I probably should go," he says.
"Okay, see you in eighteen days. . . and Sav?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you too."
She can hear his smile through the phone as he says, "I was hoping you would."
Thank you for reading and reviewing. I know they are a newish couple, but this is one way that I think it'd be interesting for it to play out. It probably won't, but that's okay. It was fun to write. Love!