Spencer stayed deadly still, laying on her left side on Ashley's bed. She even contemplated for about 5 minutes whether or not it was safe to lift a hand to brush away the bed hair that stuck to her face -- and decided against it. She had woken up from a particularly refreshing sleep facing Ashley, who was still asleep and had her arm wrapped tightly around her waist. Spencer told herself that the reason she hadn't moved a muscle was because she didn't want to wake Ashley, which was partly the truth, but the other part involved how she was slowly falling in love with the feeling of being in Ashley's arms. Spencer still wasn't even sure she had this whole sexuality thing figured out. At first she was convinced that she had always been straight prior to moving to L.A., or more importantly, prior to meeting Ashley. But since giving it more thought, she began to identify with her former self being more asexual than heterosexual. She had boyfriends and deemed some guys as "cute" because that was what she was supposed to do, and while she had never thought of that as some ultimate appeasement of peer pressure in the past, she realized now that was exactly it. So, did that mean that she was gay? Or could be? That was the part she hadn't quite figured out yet. What she did know was that Ashley meant more to her than anyone she had ever met, and that all she could think about lately was what it would be like to be Ashley's girlfriend.
She barely stopped herself from laughing audibly when Ashley's nose crinkled and she began to unintelligibly murmur in her sleep. Ashley squirmed around, moving even closer to Spencer, and rested her head against Spencer's shoulder. With everything she was thinking about in mind and how perfect the moment felt with the two of them so close, she suddenly felt compelled to just lean in and kiss Ashley breathless as a definitive thank you for everything Ashley had done for Spencer, an apology for everything Spencer had done to Ashley, and an apology accepted for everything Ashley had done to Spencer. But every time she wanted to take things to the next level, her mother's blatant scorning of homosexuality filled her head, and she reverted to her unsure, scared self. She sighed to herself, desperate for the swarming thoughts in her head to quiet. Just then, Ashley's grip around Spencer's waist tightened, as if even in her unconscious state, she was in-tune to Spencer's stress and wanted to comfort her. She smiled and began slowly tuning her mother's voice out as she moved for the first time in 15 minutes to stroke Ashley's bare arm that held her and continued to watch her sleep. As Spencer continued to delicately dance her fingertips along the sensitive underside of Ashley's arm, she felt Ashley's tiny arm hairs stand on end and watched her chest rise and fall more rapidly than before. Their emotional connectedness was so evident that Spencer considered it almost tangible, and realized that she didn't want to hesitate or be scared anymore, even though her pounding heart was convinced otherwise. She placed a trembling hand on Ashley's cheek and leaned in to kiss her, when suddenly Ashley's deep brown eyes squinted awake, startling Spencer and prompting her to move away from Ashley's immediate space.
Ashley wasn't sure if she should pretend that she didn't see Spencer almost kiss her or not, or if she should just go for it herself, but based on the now scared look on Spencer's face, she figured letting her make the first move might be best. She tried to play things casually to both calm Spencer down, and to send the message that an advance such as kissing would be very much welcome.
"Hey, you," Ashley said in her unmistakably feminine voice, "You have bed head, Silly," she finished, gently clearing the strands of Spencer's hair away from her face and smiling a smile that was enough to make Spencer's heart melt and temporarily forget about what she had just done. But reality came back quickly when Ashley just couldn't help herself any longer and had to say something. "Were you leaning in to tell me something?"
Ashley immediately regretted phrasing it the way she did by the alarmed look on Spencer's face. She had to constantly take into consideration that while she had been pushed to such a point that she no longer cared about what say others had in her life, Spencer was nowhere near that mindset. Meanwhile, Spencer was trying to evaluate the outcomes of the situation at the speed of light in her head before Ashley wondered what was taking her so long to answer. She thought about how her parents, her mother particularly, would react if they knew she was dating a girl. She thought about how simple things like just holding Ashley's hand or giving her a quick kiss in public would be a huge deal and almost impossible to do in peace. She thought about how actually admitting that she had feelings for and wanted to start a relationship with a girl probably meant something she wasn't even sure she understood. But then she thought about how whenever she saw Ashley's eager and loving eyes staring back into hers, she felt like she was exactly where she should be.
Spencer cleared her throat, finally ready to answer Ashley's question, but instead decided on simply shaking her head and pulling Ashley towards her for a kiss. Ashley was so surprised that she gasped into Spencer's mouth, but when Spencer started to tremble out of nervousness, Ashley soothed her by holding her and rubbing her back gently. When the kiss broke, the girls could do nothing but stare deeply into each other's eyes, desperate to uncover one another's reactions.
Ashley, who knew firsthand how deceiving looks could be, decided to finally break the silence and ask. "You okay?"
Spencer laughed as if to say "duh." "Okay? I'm... that was... You feel perfect," and being Spencer, she had the natural inclination to be way too hard on herself, "Wow, did I really just say that? I'm pretty sure that killed the moment."
Ashley smiled and placed a softer and more sensual kiss on Spencer's lips. "Oh, stop. It made the moment."
Spencer and Ashley spent a moment in silence, studying each other's features and still in one another's arms. Ashley moved one hand from Spencer's back and held her hand, squeezing a bit so that Spencer knew how sincere she was. "Are you scared?"
Spencer exhaled deeply, not having expected that such a simple question would bring her near the verge of tears. "Yeah. A little bit."
But Ashley's facial expression remained confident, which in turn assured Spencer that things would be okay. "What are you scared of?"
"Well, I guess to put it in short, the world," she said with a short laugh, "I mean how do you deal that the majority of your world isn't okay with the one thing that really makes you happy?"
Ashley took a moment to revel in the fact that Spencer said that she was the one thing that made her happy, but then answered as truly and sincerely as she could. "Well, it's a question that comes up a lot for me, since I'm not really Miss Conventionalism. But in a case like this, I guess my attitude is -- who needs the world when I've got you?"
Spencer remained silent, which briefly scared Ashley into thinking she may have said the wrong thing, but before she could ask, Spencer wrapped her arms around Ashley's neck and pulled her into another deeply passionate kiss, which already appeared positively uncharacteristic of Spencer. Ashley gladly accepted and returned the kiss, having wanted to do that since the day she and Spencer met.
"So, you're really my girlfriend?" Ashley asked, eager to hear it aloud before she felt like this was all one intangible dream.
Spencer smiled bigger than she had in a while. "Your girlfriend. That sounds so good. I'm going to refer to myself in the 3rd person title of 'your girlfriend' from now on," she said, making both she and Ashley laugh. Then Ashley opened her mouth as if she were going to say something, and Spencer quickly used it as an excuse to use her new favorite phrase. "Did you want to tell your girlfriend something?"
Ashley smiled. "Yeah. For the record, I was awake the whole time you were this morning."