Mansion setting. 6 nations stand around the body of America. A Bloody Hockey Stick lies nearby.
France: (face palms) I can't believe someone managed to kill an anthropomorphic personification of an entire nation
Prussia: Holy Fritz! Im not even a nation anymore and I'm still alive. Must be cuz I'm so awesome.
Canada: ( stands in between Prussia and England) It must have been another nation that did it.
Prussia: That's a great idea England!
S. Italy: Why the hell is that a great idea! That's terrifying! It means one of us is a goddamn murderer!
England: How could this even have hap- hey that bloody git owed me money!
Russia: (clearly not caring about the scene) When everyone's one with Mother Russia, no one will owe anyone money!
(everyone inches away from Russia)
Prussia: (coughs) Uh I think we should split up… get away from Russia… you know, look for clues?
(everyone hurriedly agrees. End scene.)
SCENE TWO. ENGLAND AND CANADA ENTER BILLIARDS ROOM. FRANCE IS ALREADY THERE.
England: France! Returning to the scene of the crime? I knew it was you!
France: Oh ho? Really? And what did I do it with, pray tell?
England: (stalls for time) Er… a … baguette!
France: … That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I think you did it! You poisoned him with bad cooking in this billiards room!
Canada: How could he even have been killed in the billiards room? He's dead in the hallway!
(crashes and clangs heard several rooms over, the three investigate. Enter into KITCHEN.)
England: What the devil is going on in here?
Prussia: (climbs out from under sink) I've been searching for clues!
France: You've been making a mess.
Canada: Why are you looking for clues in the kitchen? He was killed in the hallway!
Prussia: (looks over Canada's head to England) What'd you say? I didn't catch that.
England: I said, What the devil is going in here?
Prussia: I've been searching for clues!
France: We heard you the first time.
England: This is going nowhere. Let's check the Dining Room.
Prussia: Screw that! I found a secret passageway!
England and France: …yes.
(All enter Secret Passageway. Exit in Study, where Russia is smashing glass baubles with a faucet pipe)
(England and France exit tunnel, bickering)
England: It was definitely you! You and America haven't been getting along lately!
France: Psh, you're still bitter about the Revolutionary War! Clearly, you have more motivation!
(Both finally notice Russia, immediately stop)
Both: It was Russia with a lead pipe in the study!
Prussia: What?
Canada: America is getting colder and stiffer in. The. Hallway. Russia didn't kill him here!
Russia: Dead people can't become one with Mother Russia.
(Everyone leans away)
France:… I think I hear South Italy in the next room. Maybe we should check in on him?
(Everyone readily agrees. Russia smiles creepily. All leave, enter library.)
(South Italy is napping in an armchair)
Prussia: That's…strangely adorable.
South Italy: (snaps awake) What the hell did you just say?
Russia: He said you killed America.
Prussia: I did not!
Russia: With the Mafia.
Canada: There's no Mafia here! It's just us!
Russia: In the library.
Canada: His body's in the hallway!
Prussia: (trying to throw his voice. And failing.) I think it was Prussia, with five meters, in the ballroom!
South Italy: Why the hell did you just accuse yourself?
Prussia: …well everyone else got accused!
Canada: Not everyone!
England: Shut up France, I already accused you.
France: I didn't say anything.
Russia: If we all work together, we can solve this faster.
(Everyone begins to inch away, and then stops.)
South Italy: That's… that's actually a good idea.
Russia: It will be good practice for when everyone is one with Mother Russia!
(Everyone inches away for real. All exit to main hall.)
Prussia: Hey when did this "Confidential Envelope" get here?
(Everyone stares at envelope.)
France: Maybe someone should open it.
(Everyone keeps staring.)
South Italy: Sounds like a good idea.
(Everyone keeps staring.)
England: Oh for pity's sake, guys. (Opens envelope, pulls out paper.)
Russia: What does it say?
England: (reads) Canada, in the hallway, with a hockey stick.
Prussia: Who's Canada?
Canada: I'm right here.
Russia: Maybe it's in North America?
Canada: The farthest north!
South Italy: America, Mexico, then Central America… I've never heard of this Canada.
Canada: I've been with you all night!
France: I think England is making this up, cover his own deceit!
Canada: Or maybe I killed him so you'd finally notice me!
(Everyone finally looks directly at Canada)
England: Oh my god.
Prussia: No way.
South Italy: For real?
France: I can't believe it.
Russia: I never would have expected…
Everyone: To see America's Ghost! (screaming, freaking out, finally running away.)
(Canada curls into fetal position and cries.)
THE END