FINAL FANTASY VII
City of the Ancients
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud and Barrett are sitting on the couch. Red XIII is sitting on the floor. Tifa walks in.)
Tifa: Okay, everyone, I think it's time we discussed Aeris's birthday party this coming Friday.
Cloud: It's Aeris's birthday this Friday?
Tifa: Yep. And I'm going to need all you guys' help organising the party. Now I'm going to take care of the food and drink, but I'm going to need Barrett to send out the invitations, Red XIII to decorate the bar, and Cloud, I need you to get the presents sorted out.
Cloud: Oh, Tifa, you know how bad I am at buying presents...
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid are sitting at the table, wearing party hats. Cloud is handing Red XIII a box.)
Cloud: Happy birthday, Red!
Red XIII: Thank you, Cloud. (opens the box and a snake pops up from inside) Oh, boy. My very own pet snake. (the snake wraps around him, squeezing him tightly) Eek! (the snake opens its mouth over Red's head and prepares to swallow him)
(Cut back to the basement.)
Tifa: That's exactly why I've taken the liberty to write a list of presents I think Aeris would like. (hands Cloud the list) You shouldn't have any problems this way.
Cloud: Jeez, thanks. You've thought of everything.
(Cut to Wall Market, the clothes store. Cloud is looking through the clothes rack, reading from the list. Aeris walks up behind him.)
Aeris: Hi there, Cloud! Whatcha doing?
Cloud: Agh! Aeris! Wh...What are you doing here?!
Aeris: Shopping. I thought I could do with some new clothes. How about you?
Cloud: I'm shopping also.
Aeris: In the ladies' section...?
Cloud: Ladies' section? (tries to act surprised) So I am! (laughs nervously)
Aeris: (pointing) The mens' section is over there.
Cloud: Right, right, thanks. (walks off, dropping the list)
Aeris: (bends down and picks up the list) Cloud? You dropped this.
Cloud: So I did. (grabs one end of the list)
Aeris: Wait. What's this? (reads it briefly) Aerith? Who's Aerith?
Cloud: A friend of mine who doesn't exist. (takes the list) Well, have a nice day, Aerith. I mean, Aeris. (walks off)
Aeris: Hmm...
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud walks in with a couple of shopping bags in each hand.)
Tifa: Oh, good. You're back. How did it go? Did you get everything on the list?
Cloud: Most of the stuff, but I had a little problem with the red dress. I ran into Aeris in the clothes store, so I ended up leaving without getting it.
Tifa: That's fine. As long as you bought the rest of the things, there should be enough to go around on the day.
Barrett: (walks in) Mission accomplished. The invitations have been delivered, all eight of 'em.
Tifa: Thanks, Barrett. Now all that's left is the birthday cake. Marlene?
Marlene: (walks in) Yuh huh?
Tifa: Run down to the baker's and pick us up something with pink frosting. (Marlene leaves as Tifa dusts her hands off) There, all sorted.
(Cut to the bar, Feb 7th (or Aeris's birthday). The bar has been decorated with the usual crap. All the lights have been turned off and it's quite dark. Aeris walks in through the front door and turns the lights on. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid pop up from behind the bar, wearing party hats.)
Everyone Minus Aeris: Surprise!
Aeris: What the...?
(Cut to the bar, a little later. Everyone is drinking and celebrating Aeris's birthday. Aeris is talking to Cloud and Tifa over by the bar. She is wearing a party hat, too.)
Aeris: ...so how long had you guys been planning this whole thing?
Tifa: Most of the week. Everyone's been doing their part. Even Vincent helped with the decorations.
Cloud: Yeah, he brought in some dark lighting from his basement.
(Cut to Nibelheim, the Shin-Ra Mansion, the basement. It's completely white.)
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the bar.)
Aeris: It's lovely. I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend my 22nd birthday, than here with my closest friends. (pause) Oh, sweet lord. (puts her drink down) I have to go.
Tifa: What? Go? Go where? You only just got here. It's your birthday, for goodness sake. Etc, etc.
Aeris: I know, but...
Tifa: But...?
Aeris: On their 22nd birthday, all Ancients are expected to return to the City of the Ancients for religious reasons. I must go.
Tifa: But the Ancients died out years ago. You're the only one left.
Aeris: I know, but...
Tifa: But...?
Aeris: I still have to abide by the Ancients' rules. I can't turn my back on my people just because they're all dead.
Tifa: So you're going to turn your back on your living friends instead?
Aeris: Thank you for the party, Tifa. (kisses her on the cheek and leaves)
Barrett: Whoa. Where's she goin'?
Tifa: ...I don't know. And to be honest, I don't particularly care. (puts down her drink and goes upstairs, depressed)
(Cut to Tifa's room. Tifa is sitting at her dressing table, looking out the window. Cloud pokes his head in the door.)
Cloud: Knock-knock! Can I come in? (Tifa shrugs and he walks in) You okay?
Tifa: Yes...
Cloud: No, you're not. You're still upset about Aeris walking out on the party, aren't you?
Tifa: Maybe...
Cloud: You can't fool me, Tifa. I've known you too long. Come on, come back downstairs. So Aeris isn't there, it's still one hell of a party.
(Cut to the bar. Barrett and Cid are chugging a barrel full of beer each. Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith and Vincent are standing around them, watching.)
Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith & Vincent: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! (Barrett finishes his, gets up, and takes a bow) Yay! (Barrett falls over backwards)
Cid: (takes his barrel away and laughs) What's the matter, Barrett? Can't handle your booze? (pukes up)
Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith & Vincent: Ewww!
(Cut back to Tifa's room.)
Tifa: I'm much happier here.
Cloud: I don't believe that for a second. Now, come on.
Tifa: You don't understand, Cloud. I poured my heart and soul into that party, as well as some other bodily fluids, and this is how she shows her appreciation, by running out on it.
Cloud: She couldn't help it. You heard what she said: for religious reasons all Ancients are meant to return to the City of the Ancients on their 22nd birthday.
Tifa: What religious reasons? Why their 22nd birthday?
Cloud: I don't know. We didn't ask and she didn't tell.
Tifa: (turns her back on him) I'd like to be left alone now, if I may...
Cloud: Wait a second. Hey, I've just had an awesome, wicked idea.
Tifa: (turns around to face him) What?
Cloud: This place could sure do with a lick of paint. I think I'll get Barrett to redecorate this room tomorrow. (Tifa turns away from him) Oh, and how about we head on over to the City of the Ancients to continue Aeris's birthday celebrations there?
Tifa: Really?? (excitedly) You... You don't think she'd mind??
Cloud: You kidding? It'll be the nicest thing we've done for her since that time we threw her a surprise party for her 22nd birthday!
(Cut to the bar. The bar has been decorated with the usual crap. All the lights have been turned off and it's quite dark. Aeris walks in through the front door and turns the lights on. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid pop up from behind the bar, wearing party hats.)
Everyone Minus Aeris: Surprise!
Aeris: What the...?
(Cut back to Tifa's room.)
Tifa: Cloud, that was ten minutes ago.
Cloud: Your point being...?
(Cut to the City of the Ancients, the altar. Aeris is praying. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent and Cid are watching her from the stairs.)
Yuffie: What is she doing?
Red XIII: It looks like she's praying. For reasons, I do not know.
Cid: Probably because she's a dope.
Tifa: Cid!
Cloud: Boy, will she ever be surprised to see us here. Barrett, start decorating this place with balloons and colourful stuff.
Tifa: Are you sure this is what Aeris would want? I can't help thinking we're about to make a big mistake here.
Cloud: Tifa, Tifa, Tifa...
Tifa: ...
Cloud: ...
Tifa: ...
Cloud: ...
Tifa: ...
(Cut to Carbuncle, sitting at his computer.)
Carbuncle: ...
(Cut back to the City of the Ancients, the altar. The buildings around the altar have been decorated with banners and balloons.)
Cloud: Places, everyone. (he and the others hide)
Aeris: (walking up the steps, mumbling to herself) That was the strangest prayer I've ever experienced... I must- (Cloud and the others show themselves)
Everyone Minus Aeris: Surprise... AGAIN!
Aeris: What the... AGAIN?
(Cut to a building, later. Everyone is inside. Aeris has her back to Cloud, frowning.)
Cloud: Aw, come on, Aeris. Don't be mad, please.
Aeris: I'm not mad, Cloud. (turns around) I'm furious!
Cloud: (hides behind Tifa's back) Yikes!
Tifa: Aeris, please-
Aeris: You. I might have known you'd have something to do with this.
Tifa: I didn't have anything to do with this. If it was up to me, I would've stayed in my room, sulking. This whole thing was Cloud's idea. And I'm sure he only did what he thought was best. Right, Cloud?
Cloud: Absolutely. Please don't hit me.
Aeris: You guys don't understand. It's not that I didn't want to spend my birthday with you all.
Tifa: That isn't how it looks to us.
Aeris: It's more than that. It's kind of complicated.
Tifa: Complicated how?
Aeris: It's an Ancient thing. You... well, we call you normies. You couldn't possibly understand.
Tifa: Those who know nothing can understand nothing. Try us.
Aeris: (sighs) I hope I'm not violating any Ancient code here, but... (takes a deep breath) When Ancients turn twenty-two, they're required to return to the Ancient City. Every Ancient is brought up knowing this. It's drilled into their minds throughout their entire adolescense by their parents and the people around them. Even adopted Ancients brought into common families, like myself, are constantly reminded of that upcoming day. Until today though, I had no idea why. But thirty minutes ago, I found out. The secret that has kept me awake three nights of the week every year since I turned four was finally exposed, so to speak. And so, the reason Ancients are required to return to the City of the Ancients on their 22nd birthday is... (pause)
Cloud: (yawns) I'm bored. You're boring, Aeris. I'm going to go chug some beer and eat some pretzels. (leaves)
Tifa: Aeris...?
Aeris: Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, it turns out once an Ancient turns twenty-two, they're required to go on a spiritual journey across the Planet to pray for the souls of humanity. It's a harrowing six month trip around the world, fraught with danger and scary stuff, and the bad news is I'm heading off on one. The good news though is that my journey could help save the Planet, which is really cool, 'cause I've heard most of the time these quests are just a complete waste of time.
Tifa: Back up a minute here, Aeris. Your journey could help save the Planet? What's that all about?
Aeris: Yeah, apparently, the Planet's in crisis due to a loss of soul resource, whatever that means. Like I said earlier, it's complicated. But with my help, and by praying at different temples across the Planet, I could save us all. Think the plot of Final Fantasy X but without Sin or any of that crappy voice acting.
(Cut to a library. Tidus, Yuna, Wakka, Lulu, Auron, Kimarhi and Rikku are standing around a computer.)
Tidus: Hey, there's nothing wrong with our voices. I happen to think they're pretty damn good.
Wakka: Yeah, brudda. There ain't nothing wrong with 'em.
Rikku: Oh my God. Has anyone just realised that Wakka sounds an awful lot like that Bender robot from "Futurama"?
(Cut to New New York, Planet Express. Fry, Bender and Leela are sitting on the couch, watching TV.)
Bender: (gasps) She's right! That bastard stole my voice!
(Cut back to the City of the Ancients, a building.)
Tifa: My God... I had no idea the Planet was still suffering.
Aeris: Well it is. And that's why I have to do this.
Tifa: When will you leave?
Aeris: There's no time like the present. But I'll have to pack some things first. Probably next Thursday.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar, the following Thursday. Tifa is cleaning a glass behind the bar. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the table, drinking. Aeris walks in from upstairs, dragging around four suitcases.)
Aeris: Everyone, I'm ready to start my spiritual journey now.
Barrett: Holy crap! What've you got all those suitcases for? How long ya goin' for, half a year?!
Aeris: Yes.
Barrett: Oh.
Tifa: Can I give you a ride anywhere in the buggy? To the airport, for example.
Aeris: No, Tifa, that won't be necessary. This is my journey, and I have to make it on my own, alone, by myself. (pause) But I wouldn't object to Cloud coming along with me and carrying my luggage. Cloud?
Cloud: (gets up) I'm there!
Tifa: Cloud, sit down. You're not going anywhere.
Barrett: Yeah, say some mission came up an' we needed ya here. Besides, if you left too, who'd we get to do all our sweaty chores? (Cloud sits down) Have a nice time, Aeris. Bring us back a treat.
Aeris: A treat, right. Well, um, I'll see what I can't do. I mean, can do. I'll see what I can do, you lazy bum. I mean, you lazy boob. I mean, you lazy bastard.
Tifa: (hugs Aeris) Goodbye, Aeris. Have a safe trip.
Cloud: Yeah, and try not to get killed, for God's sake.
Aeris: I'll be fine. You all worry too much. (picks up her luggage) See you in six months! (leaves)
Cloud: All right! She's gone! Now I can finally sneak into her room and dress up in her underwear and pretend I'm a girl and feel myself all over like I would if I was a girl because I'd love to have breasts and a vagina!
Tifa: ...
Barrett: ...
Cloud: (ashamed) Oh, dear lord. Please tell me I didn't say that out loud.
Tifa: ...
Barrett: ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
City of the Ancients
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud and Barrett are sitting on the couch. Red XIII is sitting on the floor. Tifa walks in.)
Tifa: Okay, everyone, I think it's time we discussed Aeris's birthday party this coming Friday.
Cloud: It's Aeris's birthday this Friday?
Tifa: Yep. And I'm going to need all you guys' help organising the party. Now I'm going to take care of the food and drink, but I'm going to need Barrett to send out the invitations, Red XIII to decorate the bar, and Cloud, I need you to get the presents sorted out.
Cloud: Oh, Tifa, you know how bad I am at buying presents...
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid are sitting at the table, wearing party hats. Cloud is handing Red XIII a box.)
Cloud: Happy birthday, Red!
Red XIII: Thank you, Cloud. (opens the box and a snake pops up from inside) Oh, boy. My very own pet snake. (the snake wraps around him, squeezing him tightly) Eek! (the snake opens its mouth over Red's head and prepares to swallow him)
(Cut back to the basement.)
Tifa: That's exactly why I've taken the liberty to write a list of presents I think Aeris would like. (hands Cloud the list) You shouldn't have any problems this way.
Cloud: Jeez, thanks. You've thought of everything.
(Cut to Wall Market, the clothes store. Cloud is looking through the clothes rack, reading from the list. Aeris walks up behind him.)
Aeris: Hi there, Cloud! Whatcha doing?
Cloud: Agh! Aeris! Wh...What are you doing here?!
Aeris: Shopping. I thought I could do with some new clothes. How about you?
Cloud: I'm shopping also.
Aeris: In the ladies' section...?
Cloud: Ladies' section? (tries to act surprised) So I am! (laughs nervously)
Aeris: (pointing) The mens' section is over there.
Cloud: Right, right, thanks. (walks off, dropping the list)
Aeris: (bends down and picks up the list) Cloud? You dropped this.
Cloud: So I did. (grabs one end of the list)
Aeris: Wait. What's this? (reads it briefly) Aerith? Who's Aerith?
Cloud: A friend of mine who doesn't exist. (takes the list) Well, have a nice day, Aerith. I mean, Aeris. (walks off)
Aeris: Hmm...
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud walks in with a couple of shopping bags in each hand.)
Tifa: Oh, good. You're back. How did it go? Did you get everything on the list?
Cloud: Most of the stuff, but I had a little problem with the red dress. I ran into Aeris in the clothes store, so I ended up leaving without getting it.
Tifa: That's fine. As long as you bought the rest of the things, there should be enough to go around on the day.
Barrett: (walks in) Mission accomplished. The invitations have been delivered, all eight of 'em.
Tifa: Thanks, Barrett. Now all that's left is the birthday cake. Marlene?
Marlene: (walks in) Yuh huh?
Tifa: Run down to the baker's and pick us up something with pink frosting. (Marlene leaves as Tifa dusts her hands off) There, all sorted.
(Cut to the bar, Feb 7th (or Aeris's birthday). The bar has been decorated with the usual crap. All the lights have been turned off and it's quite dark. Aeris walks in through the front door and turns the lights on. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid pop up from behind the bar, wearing party hats.)
Everyone Minus Aeris: Surprise!
Aeris: What the...?
(Cut to the bar, a little later. Everyone is drinking and celebrating Aeris's birthday. Aeris is talking to Cloud and Tifa over by the bar. She is wearing a party hat, too.)
Aeris: ...so how long had you guys been planning this whole thing?
Tifa: Most of the week. Everyone's been doing their part. Even Vincent helped with the decorations.
Cloud: Yeah, he brought in some dark lighting from his basement.
(Cut to Nibelheim, the Shin-Ra Mansion, the basement. It's completely white.)
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the bar.)
Aeris: It's lovely. I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend my 22nd birthday, than here with my closest friends. (pause) Oh, sweet lord. (puts her drink down) I have to go.
Tifa: What? Go? Go where? You only just got here. It's your birthday, for goodness sake. Etc, etc.
Aeris: I know, but...
Tifa: But...?
Aeris: On their 22nd birthday, all Ancients are expected to return to the City of the Ancients for religious reasons. I must go.
Tifa: But the Ancients died out years ago. You're the only one left.
Aeris: I know, but...
Tifa: But...?
Aeris: I still have to abide by the Ancients' rules. I can't turn my back on my people just because they're all dead.
Tifa: So you're going to turn your back on your living friends instead?
Aeris: Thank you for the party, Tifa. (kisses her on the cheek and leaves)
Barrett: Whoa. Where's she goin'?
Tifa: ...I don't know. And to be honest, I don't particularly care. (puts down her drink and goes upstairs, depressed)
(Cut to Tifa's room. Tifa is sitting at her dressing table, looking out the window. Cloud pokes his head in the door.)
Cloud: Knock-knock! Can I come in? (Tifa shrugs and he walks in) You okay?
Tifa: Yes...
Cloud: No, you're not. You're still upset about Aeris walking out on the party, aren't you?
Tifa: Maybe...
Cloud: You can't fool me, Tifa. I've known you too long. Come on, come back downstairs. So Aeris isn't there, it's still one hell of a party.
(Cut to the bar. Barrett and Cid are chugging a barrel full of beer each. Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith and Vincent are standing around them, watching.)
Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith & Vincent: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! (Barrett finishes his, gets up, and takes a bow) Yay! (Barrett falls over backwards)
Cid: (takes his barrel away and laughs) What's the matter, Barrett? Can't handle your booze? (pukes up)
Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith & Vincent: Ewww!
(Cut back to Tifa's room.)
Tifa: I'm much happier here.
Cloud: I don't believe that for a second. Now, come on.
Tifa: You don't understand, Cloud. I poured my heart and soul into that party, as well as some other bodily fluids, and this is how she shows her appreciation, by running out on it.
Cloud: She couldn't help it. You heard what she said: for religious reasons all Ancients are meant to return to the City of the Ancients on their 22nd birthday.
Tifa: What religious reasons? Why their 22nd birthday?
Cloud: I don't know. We didn't ask and she didn't tell.
Tifa: (turns her back on him) I'd like to be left alone now, if I may...
Cloud: Wait a second. Hey, I've just had an awesome, wicked idea.
Tifa: (turns around to face him) What?
Cloud: This place could sure do with a lick of paint. I think I'll get Barrett to redecorate this room tomorrow. (Tifa turns away from him) Oh, and how about we head on over to the City of the Ancients to continue Aeris's birthday celebrations there?
Tifa: Really?? (excitedly) You... You don't think she'd mind??
Cloud: You kidding? It'll be the nicest thing we've done for her since that time we threw her a surprise party for her 22nd birthday!
(Cut to the bar. The bar has been decorated with the usual crap. All the lights have been turned off and it's quite dark. Aeris walks in through the front door and turns the lights on. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid pop up from behind the bar, wearing party hats.)
Everyone Minus Aeris: Surprise!
Aeris: What the...?
(Cut back to Tifa's room.)
Tifa: Cloud, that was ten minutes ago.
Cloud: Your point being...?
(Cut to the City of the Ancients, the altar. Aeris is praying. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent and Cid are watching her from the stairs.)
Yuffie: What is she doing?
Red XIII: It looks like she's praying. For reasons, I do not know.
Cid: Probably because she's a dope.
Tifa: Cid!
Cloud: Boy, will she ever be surprised to see us here. Barrett, start decorating this place with balloons and colourful stuff.
Tifa: Are you sure this is what Aeris would want? I can't help thinking we're about to make a big mistake here.
Cloud: Tifa, Tifa, Tifa...
Tifa: ...
Cloud: ...
Tifa: ...
Cloud: ...
Tifa: ...
(Cut to Carbuncle, sitting at his computer.)
Carbuncle: ...
(Cut back to the City of the Ancients, the altar. The buildings around the altar have been decorated with banners and balloons.)
Cloud: Places, everyone. (he and the others hide)
Aeris: (walking up the steps, mumbling to herself) That was the strangest prayer I've ever experienced... I must- (Cloud and the others show themselves)
Everyone Minus Aeris: Surprise... AGAIN!
Aeris: What the... AGAIN?
(Cut to a building, later. Everyone is inside. Aeris has her back to Cloud, frowning.)
Cloud: Aw, come on, Aeris. Don't be mad, please.
Aeris: I'm not mad, Cloud. (turns around) I'm furious!
Cloud: (hides behind Tifa's back) Yikes!
Tifa: Aeris, please-
Aeris: You. I might have known you'd have something to do with this.
Tifa: I didn't have anything to do with this. If it was up to me, I would've stayed in my room, sulking. This whole thing was Cloud's idea. And I'm sure he only did what he thought was best. Right, Cloud?
Cloud: Absolutely. Please don't hit me.
Aeris: You guys don't understand. It's not that I didn't want to spend my birthday with you all.
Tifa: That isn't how it looks to us.
Aeris: It's more than that. It's kind of complicated.
Tifa: Complicated how?
Aeris: It's an Ancient thing. You... well, we call you normies. You couldn't possibly understand.
Tifa: Those who know nothing can understand nothing. Try us.
Aeris: (sighs) I hope I'm not violating any Ancient code here, but... (takes a deep breath) When Ancients turn twenty-two, they're required to return to the Ancient City. Every Ancient is brought up knowing this. It's drilled into their minds throughout their entire adolescense by their parents and the people around them. Even adopted Ancients brought into common families, like myself, are constantly reminded of that upcoming day. Until today though, I had no idea why. But thirty minutes ago, I found out. The secret that has kept me awake three nights of the week every year since I turned four was finally exposed, so to speak. And so, the reason Ancients are required to return to the City of the Ancients on their 22nd birthday is... (pause)
Cloud: (yawns) I'm bored. You're boring, Aeris. I'm going to go chug some beer and eat some pretzels. (leaves)
Tifa: Aeris...?
Aeris: Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, it turns out once an Ancient turns twenty-two, they're required to go on a spiritual journey across the Planet to pray for the souls of humanity. It's a harrowing six month trip around the world, fraught with danger and scary stuff, and the bad news is I'm heading off on one. The good news though is that my journey could help save the Planet, which is really cool, 'cause I've heard most of the time these quests are just a complete waste of time.
Tifa: Back up a minute here, Aeris. Your journey could help save the Planet? What's that all about?
Aeris: Yeah, apparently, the Planet's in crisis due to a loss of soul resource, whatever that means. Like I said earlier, it's complicated. But with my help, and by praying at different temples across the Planet, I could save us all. Think the plot of Final Fantasy X but without Sin or any of that crappy voice acting.
(Cut to a library. Tidus, Yuna, Wakka, Lulu, Auron, Kimarhi and Rikku are standing around a computer.)
Tidus: Hey, there's nothing wrong with our voices. I happen to think they're pretty damn good.
Wakka: Yeah, brudda. There ain't nothing wrong with 'em.
Rikku: Oh my God. Has anyone just realised that Wakka sounds an awful lot like that Bender robot from "Futurama"?
(Cut to New New York, Planet Express. Fry, Bender and Leela are sitting on the couch, watching TV.)
Bender: (gasps) She's right! That bastard stole my voice!
(Cut back to the City of the Ancients, a building.)
Tifa: My God... I had no idea the Planet was still suffering.
Aeris: Well it is. And that's why I have to do this.
Tifa: When will you leave?
Aeris: There's no time like the present. But I'll have to pack some things first. Probably next Thursday.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar, the following Thursday. Tifa is cleaning a glass behind the bar. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the table, drinking. Aeris walks in from upstairs, dragging around four suitcases.)
Aeris: Everyone, I'm ready to start my spiritual journey now.
Barrett: Holy crap! What've you got all those suitcases for? How long ya goin' for, half a year?!
Aeris: Yes.
Barrett: Oh.
Tifa: Can I give you a ride anywhere in the buggy? To the airport, for example.
Aeris: No, Tifa, that won't be necessary. This is my journey, and I have to make it on my own, alone, by myself. (pause) But I wouldn't object to Cloud coming along with me and carrying my luggage. Cloud?
Cloud: (gets up) I'm there!
Tifa: Cloud, sit down. You're not going anywhere.
Barrett: Yeah, say some mission came up an' we needed ya here. Besides, if you left too, who'd we get to do all our sweaty chores? (Cloud sits down) Have a nice time, Aeris. Bring us back a treat.
Aeris: A treat, right. Well, um, I'll see what I can't do. I mean, can do. I'll see what I can do, you lazy bum. I mean, you lazy boob. I mean, you lazy bastard.
Tifa: (hugs Aeris) Goodbye, Aeris. Have a safe trip.
Cloud: Yeah, and try not to get killed, for God's sake.
Aeris: I'll be fine. You all worry too much. (picks up her luggage) See you in six months! (leaves)
Cloud: All right! She's gone! Now I can finally sneak into her room and dress up in her underwear and pretend I'm a girl and feel myself all over like I would if I was a girl because I'd love to have breasts and a vagina!
Tifa: ...
Barrett: ...
Cloud: (ashamed) Oh, dear lord. Please tell me I didn't say that out loud.
Tifa: ...
Barrett: ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~