Loser

By Shawn Jones

I guess so I don't get fucked over: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.

Foreword

It looks like it's about that time again, you know, foreword time. Of course the following story is rated M, because of all the obscenities and so forth. You know, I say fuck, shit, ballsack, whatever other expletives you might have run across. This story isn't a direct sequel, so it isn't imperative that you read my previous stories. There are a few in jokes, and the previous plots are mentioned, but you should be just fine without reading the others. The story, appropriately titled Loser, really started out as an abstract idea, but later became a fairly coherent story. Now that I've completely killed all of the buzz and bored the shit out of you, enjoy the story.

Shawn Jones

Something Else Entirely

In Knothole, the Freedom Fighters were all gathered around the table in the meeting room. They were waiting on important medical information, which Doctor Quack was currently diagnosing. Sally was the only one at the table feeling anxious. No one else was particularly interested, with Rotor mindlessly spaced out and Tails counting the tiles on the floor. Antoine busied himself by picking lint off of his shirt. Sonic had his feet on the table, looking at his watch to see how much time was being pissed away. Knuckles was trying to draw, but soon lost interest and just drew a stick figure with tits and long hair. Apart from Sally, Bunnie was the only other Freedom Fighter the least bit interested, showing some worry on her face. With the tension elevating, for Sally at least, Dr. Quack finally made his way into the room.

"Well I'm afraid you haven't got much more than a week to live," Dr. Quack stated sadly. "Er ist gefickt," he muttered to himself. He pulled himself up a chair and sat at the table with everyone else.

"What?" Sally asked looking up. "There must be some mistake, you need to reanalyze the tests. This just can't be, it can't…"

"Nein! I'm afraid there has been no mistake. I thought the same thing, but I've been running test after test and all of them seem to come up with the same results," Dr. Quack countered. "I'm afraid the diagnosis is very much correct."



"If you say 'afraid' again I'm afraid I'm going to go over there and rip your fucking balls off," Sonic threatened as he leaned back in his chair.

"Sonic shut the hell up, this is very serious. Are you 100 percent sure Doctor?" Sally asked in dismay.

"Sadly that is my conclusion, Tails hasn't got much time left. I'd say he's got a week, two at the most. If I was wrong, I wouldn't be Quentin T. Quack."

"You're name is Quentin?" Rotor laughed.

"Yes, Quentin T. Quack, is there something wrong?"

"No, no problem…Quentin," Rotor said then began laughing. That incited Sonic and Knuckles to begin laughing as well.

"Christ, it's like we're babysitting 6 year olds. What's so funny about Quentin T. Quack?" Sally asked.

"Hamburgers, the cornerstone to any nutritious breakfast," Sonic put in.

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris?" Rotor asked.

"AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes," Sonic continued to quote.

"I don't follow you," responded a puzzled Sally.

"Royale wis cheese, you know why zey call it zat?" Antoine asked.

"Because of the metric system?" Rotor answered.

"Check out the big brain on Brett! You're a smart motherfucker. That's right, the metric system," Sonic responded.

"It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis," Rotor recited.

"I guess I'm not going to get it, but don't we have more important things to worry about right now? Dr. Quack said Tails has less than two weeks left," Sally said.

"So, like, what will happen to me in a few weeks?" Tails asked in complete bewilderment.

"You'll be going to a better place, Sugar," Bunnie assured him, as she patted him on the back.

"I just don't see how that's possible," Sonic put in. "I mean, we are a righteous bunch of savory characters."



"Fuck you, Sonic. This is some of the most devastating news I've ever heard, and all you can do is crack wise?" Sally asked disgustedly.

"Well shit, it's a hell of a lot better than crackin nuts," Sonic said, chuckling with Knuckles.

"Nuts? Am I to be missing somezing?" Antoine asked as he stood up and looked around. Sonic pointed Antoine out to Knuckles and said something. The both of them started busting up laughing.

"I don't get it Auntie Bunnie, what's a better place than this?" Tails questioned.

"Well Hun…it's complicated," Bunnie sputtered.

"Does it mean I'm going to die?" Tails asked solemnly.

"Where's a fuckin buzzer when you need it? What prize do we have behind curtain number one?" Sonic continued to joke. Sally turned and gave Sonic the dirtiest of looks, then turned back to Tails.

"You're sick Tails, and you'll only be with us here for a couple more weeks. You will go to a better place though, you have to believe me."

"That was beautyful," Knuckles complimented. There was a long pause following the comment, as everyone shuffled silently in their seats.

"Uh, this is awkward," Rotor observed.

"Isn't there a hockey game on tonight?" Sonic asked looking around. "What? Am I an asshole or something? My schedule can't tic around Tails rapidly decreasing biological clock, I've got shit to do. So Tails, what kind of headstone do you want?"

"Goddamn you're morbid, Sonic!" Sally yelled in frustration. "Why don't you swing that judgmental pendulum the other way and tell me what you'd do to cope with this situation, asshole."

"I'd probably get a better rest than I've had in a long time, you know, a peaceful one."

"You're such a dick, get out of here Sonic. Go hide somewhere, because I don't know if I'll be able to restrain my urge to kill you," Sally replied angrily.

"Oh, you've got a murderous rage in you, but I can't see you getting tired of my o-face…" Sonic was interrupted.

"Choose your next words carefully, Sonic."

"I'll just sit here, and keep quiet." Sally nodded in approval, and then turned her attention to Tails.

"Now Tails, what would you like to do for the next couple of days?"



"I would like to see Mobotropolis again."

"I hate to be the one to tell you, but Mobotropolis is now Robotropolis, and it's kind of a shithole," Rotor informed. "It's also controlled by Robotnik, who isn't exactly the most gracious of hosts. In fact you could go so far as to call him an almighty asshole. You know, I thought you knew all this shit."

"He's right, it's not as if Robotnik just took the fuckin place over. Tails, are you sure you aren't just retarded and not terminally ill?"

"I don't know, maybe. "

"Why are you such a constant dick, Sonic?" Sally asked.

"Because you're such a tease," Sonic replied smiling.

"Yeah, you're funny. Keep cracking wise, see how far you get," Sally retorted. "Anyway, we might be able to work something out with Robotnik, for Christ sakes Tails is dying. I just don't think Robotnik would be that cruel."

"No, he wouldn't be that cruel," Sonic began. "He'd capture you, then beat the ever loving shit out of you. Once he had his way with you, and no longer found you a source of his amusement, he'd fuckin kill you. I will not, let me repeat that, WILL NOT be rescuing anyone who thinks it's a good fuckin idea to sightsee in Robotropolis."

"If Tails wants to go to Robotropolis as a last wish, I'm sure as hell not going to deny him. Are you, Sonic? Are you that fucking vindictive?"

"Just when I was beginning to think we couldn't possibly top the last fucked up idea, we end up making it look sane. You ask me to walk a fine line, but when we all die you'll only have yourself to blame."

"Well mate, I'm gonna have to say this idea is a sandwich short of a picnic, but she'll be apples," Knuckles affirmed.

"Who?" Rotor asked.

"What?" Knuckles countered.

"Who is going to be apples? What the fuck is going on here?" Rotor demanded.

"Ah mate, I don't have time to decipher all me slang phrases. There's no need to chuck a spaz."

"Apples and pears aside, we need to do this for Tails," Sally said. "Now does anyone else have something to discuss about this matter? If you don't object, you'll be going to Robotropolis tomorrow with Sonic, Tails, and me."

"Oh what the fuck…?"



"Sonic, you'd better cool it."

"Chilled."

"Well Sugar, if this is the will of the counsel then I shall see it done," Bunnie replied.

"Ze counsel, I am not to be understanding zis. But I am not given ze choice, I will go for my princess, huh huh."

"I'm the only one with brains in this whole place, and here I am about to do one of the stupidest things I can think of," Rotor ranted. "I'm sure I'll regret this in the long run. I know it's all going to culminate into a big clusterfuck train wreck, I just want to watch it for the sake of satiating my morbid curiosity. It's like those goddamn impulse buys."