Is it possible to hallucinate when looking at stars? To see an image that you want to see, not one that is really there? Instead of seeing Orion's belt, could you see something totally different?
I was doing that right now. As I gazed up at the stars, I saw myself. With Bella. Kissing her. Running my fingers through her soft, brown hair. It was an image that I saw numerous times out here; one that I willed myself to see almost nightly.
The image changed slightly. Bella was still there, but now I was holding her close to me. Breathing in her scent. Loving her. No sign of the monster anywhere. And her eyes showed love, contentment and trust.
I hung my head. Trust. I broke her trust in me. I hurt her so much. Forty-two years ago, I left her. Left her to save her. Her life was constantly in danger with me around. I thought she would be better off without me. Without the constant threat of death from me or another vampire.
But I never stopped loving her. Even after all this time. That is one thing about vampires; our love is everlasting. When change comes for one of us, it is rare and permanent. I will love her as long as I walk the Earth. I will probably continue to love her as I burn in hell. She will be my one happiness there. I will endure it for her.
She was constantly in my thoughts. When her birthday rolled around, I find myself thinking Bella's another year older. Happy birthday, love. Whenever I play Clair de Lune I think about her, about our tastes in music. Whatever I do, I think of her. I think of how much I love and miss her. I think of her warm body pressed against my cold one while I hold her close to me and kiss her. I think of her beautiful eyes and the depth that I could see in them. I think about what I did and wonder if it was right. If it was fair. My heart, which has been silent for one hundred and thirty years, aches everyday. And I long to see her.
My longing has become more prevalent lately. I guess because it's close to her birthday. She is due to turn sixty this year. No big significance except for the fact that she is alive to experience it. I would love to share it with her. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what she will think if I suddenly re-appear in her life. She will hate me, as she should. No words she says will erase the guilt and torment I have suffered over the years. But my pain is minimal as long as she lives. Her life means more to me than anything else.
I sighed and looked back up to the sky. I smiled to myself when I saw her there, as always. Always in my imagination.