Author: Haven't touched my account in, ooh months, years maybe. I'd completely forgotten whether I actually posted the original of this or not - so I rewrote it. This successes the older Mario fanfiction which I think I wrote when I was 12 - haha. Whenever I read it I cringe at it's awful crudeness. I also successes the previous version of Teh Mario Gaem, which in my opinion doesn't hold a candle to this edition. I also have another unposted Mario fanfic, but it sucked and was entirely based around internet memes so I'm guessing half the people here would have no idea what anything meant.
Teh Mario Gaem!
Teh Prologue: Let's go Mario!
It was a perfectly ordinary morning. Yep. Nothing to do but sleep in. Gotta love those weekends. Unfortunately, that wasn't Mario's ordinary morning we were talking about. Nope, nosiree. Mario rolled over in his bed, sadly remembering what he does on an ordinary day.
"No! I don't want to go out rescuing princesses today!" he rolled back over with his face in his pillow, trying to ignore Luigi tugging at the sheets and generally being an asshole.
Luigi thought of an excuse on the fly. "But... uhh... you won't get any... pasta?"
"W-what? NO PASTA? DEAR LORD NO, I would rather be subjected to the torture that is educational Mario than miss out on pasta!"
Mario hopped out of bed in one swift motion, jumping right into his overalls, grabbing his hammer and a spare super mushroom and eating breakfast on the fly. He then ran outside, shoving Parakarry out of the way in the process, who unfortunately fell into a spiky bush and yelled "Ouch, my organs!".
It was a perfectly ordinary and dreary morning. Yep. Just laze around in a throne all day with nothing to do. Love those weekends. But this is King Bowser we're talking about here, and nothing isn't what Bowser does on a normal day.
"Jesus christ, Mario's going to be here in a couple of minutes. Kamek! Get your ass over to the front door, and order some minions around like you're doing something! I expect this to be a fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session!" Bowser barked at Kamek, but it was the entire castle and not just Kamek that heard.
Kamek bowed. "Yes, your awesomeness. I'll get on that right away. And don't forget your dentist appointment at 3 PM, Mario probably knocked out a few teeth last visit." Kamek paused. "Wait, what's with the doggy voice?"
"The author made me do it. 'Bowser barked at Kamek' apparently. Anyway, make sure the Princess is ready, because she's got to be out in the open so that Mario can beat me up and snatch her back in a single swoop, ending a fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session!"
Bowser hopped up from his throne and prepared for the oncoming get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario misadventure.
Mario pounded on the front door.
"Open up Bowser, I don't have time for crap so I want to get this over and done with!" and Mario pounded harder.
"Yes, alright, just let me unlock the front door - " but Kamek was cut short as the door fell apart and crushed him under its weight.
"Eh? Where the hell did you go, Kamek? Oh well, less pounding to do." and Mario stepped over the fallen door, causing Kamek to groan in pain.
So a fairly standard Mario level began, as Mario crushed and pounded Goombas and Koopas with a hammer. Brushing his head against a miraculously floating block, he recieved a flower that could miraculously give him fireball-shooting powers. So with his newfound powers he proceeded to own more Goombas and Koopas faster and more efficiently. He approached the throne, and Bowser appeared as from nowhere! As if you could see that one coming, ha!
"Wow, I totally didn't see that one coming. You've been practicing!" and Mario clapped, before remembering why he was here.
"Yeah, it was pretty cool huh? Anyway... uhh... oh yeah, I HAVE YOUR PRINCESS! HAHA!" and Bowser pulled a lever that also seemed to appear as from nowhere, and the Princess was lowered down by chain from the ceiling which wasn't even there and instead was a big black void of darkness.
Mario looked up, and kept looking up. He was a bit preoccupied with something else apart from the fairly standard Bowser-gets-his-assed-kicked-by-Mario session.
"What the hell are you doing?" growled Bowser. "Fight me already, I want to get this fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session over!"
Bowser stepped forward and brushed Mario aside. He stood where Mario once stood and looked up.
Bowser's expression of impatience turned into an expression of understanding. "Oh. That's what you were looking at. Yeah, I'd totally tap that. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, the fight. Fight me you coward!"
Peach looked shocked. "You're both goddamned perverts, looking up my dress like that!".
And so, the fight began. It was a fairly standard Mario-ass-kicking session, after all. Mario pounded bowser with his hammer, swung him by his tail, used his miraculous fireball-throwing powers, punched him in the face - all manner of painful and humiliating attacks.
"Agh! My friggin' internal organs! I am bruised eternally! Foiled again!" and Bowser released the Princess.
"Well, I'm glad I'm free now. Speaking of which..." and she slapped Mario across the face.
"I - err, OBJECTION! Bowser did it too!" Mario stopped a second and looked at the groaning Bowser, bruised all over. "On second thought, never mind that. A fine ass-kicking it was."
The End, for now.
To be continued...
Author: Yeah, a fairly standard get-my-ass-kicked-by-Mario session. More coming when I get around to it, which is probably never because I'm too lazy to work on anything for more than a few minutes. Well, here's hoping I don't lapse into another period of inactivity to the point where I can actually write the next chapter.