It was midnight at the Yagami household and Light was experiencing a phenomenon we call in the 21st century "a boner." He had been experiencing non-stop erections since he had met Ryuzaki.
The thing was Light had never well... you know?
But tonight, for the first time, Light wanted hold the sausage hostage so to speak, engage in some hand to gland combat if you get my drift, beat the meat if you know what I'm saying. He wanted to masturbate.
He pulled off his dorky grandpa pants, then his MLP boxers. Then he ripped his body hugging turtleneck off to reveal his gleaming 12 pack abs. He left his fedora and euphoria on. His shoes and socks are still on too, but mentioning them in that last sentence would detract from the joke.
Light laid back on his Doctor Who bedspread, and looked up at the ceiling, envisioning the beautiful face of his angel, Ryuzaki.
Light slowly peeled back his foreskin. He imagined Ryuzaki doing it, knelt reverently before him. Then Ryuzaki would slowly roll it back up with a dead eyed smirk. What a tease.
After rolling the flesh of his foreskin up and down a few times, Ryuzaki would finally leave it down. Sensually, he'd move even lower, and motorboat Light's sensitive balls. "Broooom Brrrrrrrr," he'd say into the fleshy sac.
Light's peen throbbed angrily as this visual hit his mind.
Then Ryuzaki would take off his own clothes - first his "I've got the golden ticket" maternity shirt, then his socks, then his sock garters, then sliding down both pairs of jeans at the same time. Ryuzaki was of course going commando underneath his Levi Wranglers.
"I bet he has a huge British dong," Light thought, and he jacked his inflamed pillar of lust with even more vigor.
Ryuzaki's peener would be gigantic, almost comically large. First the camera would pan to Light's shocked expression, then to Ryuzaki's elephant cock and there'd be some canned laughter and clapping before it moved back to his sheepish face.
Then Ryuzaki would walk towards him, his hips swaying and a corn on the cob in his hands.
"Do you like corn?" Ryuzaki would ask sensually, as his malnourished body collapsed on top of Light.
"Actually, I love popcorn," Light would say nervously.
"Well all we have to do is... heat it up..." Ryuzaki would say as they both made out furiously with the corn.
Popcorn explode throughout the room as they kissed.
Light came screaming, all the veins in his body bulging as he shot his pearly man essence all over the entire room, dripping from the walls and ceiling. His legs kicked up towards the ceiling in ecstasy, smashing through it and continuing to rise quickly out of the stratosphere.
His feet froze and fell off in the vast cold of space and his entire family drowned trying to escape the flood of semen but Light didn't care because familial ties are a social construct and feet are filthy and wretched anyways.
So that was Light's first experience bombing the baboon. Now that he knew punishing the chimp was Just That Easy; Light would spank that particular monkey many more times in the future. And that is glorious, my children.
Author's note: honestly this started out because I saw a prompt about writing the most ridiculous orgasm you could think of on tumblr MONTHS AGO (1. I think it was wtffanfiction, 2. yes I started this story months ago. I got writers block after I wrote the intro + the end). I think the prompt meant more along the lines of overblown purple prose but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Then also I thought "I wonder how I can incorporate these ridiculous euphemisms for jacking off into my writing." So there's that. Anyways I hope you enjoyed it.
And yes I stole the popcorn scene from Troll 2, the most godly movie of all time.