Summary: There's peer pressure in the Avenger's game room. Clint is surprised he's even surprised anymore and Darcy has obviously spending too much time with Loki.
Rating: 15 for suggestive behaviour/ situation
Warning: Crack. So much crack.
Pairings/ Characters: Clint/ Darcy, Loki/ Sif, Thor/ Jane; Darcy and Loki friendship. All the Avengers make appearances along with The Warriors Three and Sif.
A/N: I'm ashamed for multiple reasons. You are allowed to shun me from society now. I'm not allowed to listen to Kreayshawn or LMAO or Rye Rye anymore. Ever again. I swear I do listen to some good music ('cept Rye Rye is kick ass anyway). This is why I can't have nice things like pretty, shiny Avengers to play with.
A/N2: For those of you you enjoyed my Pain Au Chocolat fic, I do intend on writing more in that universe. I just needed to get this crack fic out of my system before I did anything else.
Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers because shit like that happens. Songs mentioned/ alluded to include Rum and Coke by Kreayshawn, Shake It To The Ground by Rye Rye (check out the vid if your interested in what sort of dance Darcy's actually doing) and Shots by LMAO.
It was sort of his fault for never voicing his concerns beforehand. Clint should have known something was up when Darcy had agreed to help mend the severed bonds between Loki and Asgard. Or at least the ones between Loki, the Warriors Three and Sif. To be honest, he didn't understand why anyone thought it would be a good idea for Darcy to be 'entertainment manager' for intergalactic expatriates. Admittedly, she seemed to have a better expectation of what constituted a good night on Asgard after all the time she had spend with Thor and Loki. That appeared to be the only real requirement for the job after the first S.H.I.E.L.D. entertainment manager had been found gagged and hogtied the last time the Warriors Three and Sif had visited. Three other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were treated in a similar manner until the job became rather infamous and very undesirable. No one had been willing to take the job after the incidents, except for Darcy and Tony. And Darcy seemed to be the lesser evil. If Clint didn't know better, he would say the Asgardians were acting out on purpose until the lab assistant got the cushy, high paying job.
Clint didn't deny Darcy's uncanny ability to host parties that rivalled Tony Stark's in levels of fun and immorality but when it came down to it, there was a time and place for everything. Unfortunately, Darcy's sense of propriety had declined greatly since becoming friends with the God of Lies and Mischief.
So when Clint walked into the Avenger's living area, he really shouldn't have been surprised to find Sif and Hogun giggling as they threw pieces of Pop Tarts into each other's mouths from across the room. What tipped him off to the true oddness of it all wasn't that the two Asgardians were running and dodging in an attempt to make catching Pop Tarts orally a better challenge. It was the fact that Hogun seemed to be smiling. From what Thor had told Clint and what he'd observed, Hogun never smiled. Ever. Not even a little. The Asgardians' bloodshot eyes and difficulty to focus them was also another indication that Loki and Darcy were up to their tricks. At least the warriors were out of their armour and in normal clothing. They also didn't appear to have large weapons on their persons but he decided to stay on guard for that. Under the influence and armed Asgardians had almost lost the second agent a kidney.
A strange yet familiar earthy scent seemed to be coming out of the game room and Clint followed it with slight trepidation, wary of what he would find. Loud, thumping music was blaring through the closed door. After a second of letting his hand rest on the door handle, he twisted the knob and let the door swing open. A cloud of smoke greeted him, making him cough a little. The view that he had of the room made him chuckle out loud despite the disapproval he held.
By the foosball table, Thor and Volstagg sat, merrily partaking in a few rotisserie chickens, a roast turkey, a large pile of delivered pizzas and Slurpees, all the while loudly praising the All Mighty JARVIS. Lounging on the couch and looking extremely relaxed sat Fandral, who took large puffs from what appeared to be a joint, explaining the smoke, smell and actions of everyone around them. Fandral would inhale and then blow smoke rings towards the ceiling, occasionally poking at Jane's feet that were balanced on the arm of the couch. Giggling uncontrollably, Jane Foster was sprawled out on the floor with bare feet draped on the couch arm and toes wiggling, trying to avoid the pokes from Fandral. Soon, Thor walked over to investigate what was making his girlfriend so joyful but ended up just dropping small pieces of chicken in her mouth and joining in on the giggling.
The pair dancing on the coffee table made Clint's stomach drop slightly. Darcy and Loki moved lazily, slightly offbeat to the music with a strange series of pops, locks and other outdated hip hop dance moves. They were alternating drinking out of a bottle of rum and successfully making any hip hop dancer cry with their attempts at being ghetto fabulous.
Over the long months of Loki's rehabilitation into anything other than completely unhinged, Darcy had become quite close to the god with daddy issues. S.H.I.E.L.D. had been completely baffled to find that Darcy somehow stabilised Loki. Though no one really knew how talk of LOL cats and finer points of pranking really helped Loki's mental health. Darcy had insisted there was nothing romantic between them. Only that they were prank soul mates and true kindred spirits when it came to mindless entertainment. All of her words combined didn't soothe Clint as the little courage he had left to ask Darcy out on a date left his system.
If Clint wasn't so upset that the woman he had a slight unhealthy obsession with was getting cosy with the god that had incapacitated him (and he was still resentful of that), he might have laughed at the ridiculous outfits they were wearing. In addition to a large and likely fake gold necklace with a pendant reading 'Lil D', Darcy wore Loki's gold and horned helmet. Her small, tattered shirt had seen better days as it barely covered her stomach, hanging off one shoulder and declared SWAG in bright red letters. She also wore positively sinful denim shorts that made Clint a little tight in his own pants.
Unlike Darcy, Loki seemed a little less invested in the hipster ghetto authenticity when it came to their outfits. He wore a black trucker hat that dubbed him a hustler and a few plain, large golden chain. A large, baggy fur coat with a hood was thrown over his normal well tailored dress pants, buttoned up shirt and tie attire. Though his square belt buckle was gold and spelled Loki in green rhinestones so extra points for that. Clint was about to announce his presence but Loki swatted Darcy's ass and the archer had to fight the urge to shot the god through the head multiple times. The two suddenly sang loudly and off key to the song.
"I'm snatching bitches and your hoes! Ohs! Oh! I'm at the bar and blowing dope!"
"Hey! How come no one invited me to the stoner's ball?" Tony asked appearing next to Clint, visibly upset and sounding very much like a spoilt teen who wasn't asked out to the prom by the quarterback. Steve and Bruce quickly joined him, looking equal parts of awkward and anxious.
"I'm pretty sure this breaks a large number of S.H.I.E.L.D. regulations when dealing with political guests. As well as some laws," Steve said uncertainly. That made Tony scoff as he walked further into the room, taking everything in.
"Calm down before you tattle to Fury, Cap. Take this as your next lesson on modern life. This is what the cool kids do for a good time," Tony made a wide, dramatic arm gesture before asking Fandral for a hit. After taking a long drag, Tony, blew the smoke through his nostrils and gave a shit eating grin. His body visibly relaxed. "And this is what I call good shit. Darcy, where did you get this? Hook me up girlfriend!"
"A gift of Asgard," Fandral said dreamily. "A blend made only by the royal healer, Lady- uh...Ar- uhh...Err. Tis made to tend harsh strains. As a salve. Salve." Fandral became interested in letting the world salve roll of his tongue a few more times.
"As youths, Loki found it had other impressive uses," Thor said at a surprisingly reasonable decibel level, still feeding bits of chicken to a pleased Jane. He broke down into giggles and snorts.
"Many a season has passed since we last indulged. It was Sif who so nobly distracted Eir so Hogun could find this worthy gift for our Midgardian hosts," Volstagg added. "Lady Darcy told us of many great Migardian customs. Long live Midgard!" That earned a loud huzzah from the room.
"I'm pretty sure they showed a film about this before the war. It didn't end well," Steve announced with uncertainty, disconcerted that Tony was still smoking the rolled up joint and Bruce seemed to be examining the jar of dried Asgardian plants. While the excuse of 'science' would be the first explanation out of his mouth, Clint always had the feeling that Bruce liked to light up on particularly stressful days. His assumptions were confirmed when Tony passed the joint to Bruce, who, after a pause and sheepish grin aimed at the Captain, took his own hit. It wasn't in Clint's nature to judge people's use of pain soothing or just harmless recreation. Hell, he'd indulged a number of times over the years but he wasn't sure Fury would accept any form of explanation if word got back to him. Time for damage control.
"This is not a 'Midgardian' custom. Darcy, what have you been up to?" Clint asked, realising things were deteriorating pretty fast. Honestly, he wasn't sure he was going to get a clear answer. Though it seemed that Darcy was more drunk than high.
"I'm mending severed ties!" she announced, attempting a g-walk and Clint had to admit it was actually pretty good. Suddenly Sif and Hogun stumbled into the room, Natasha slowly following with a cocked eyebrow. Stopping to stand next to Steve, she observed quietly with what looked like a disapproving glare but there was a small amount of amusement could be found in her eyes if you know what it looked like.
Sif and Hogun, who had been playing projectile Pop Tarts, paid no extra attention to the newly arrived Avengers. The normally grim warrior tossed Thor the rest of the Pop Tarts before stopping near the Iron Man pinball machine to pour himself a Slurpee. When did they get that huge slurppe machine? Did the Warriors Three ransack a 7- Eleven again? Clint refused to take part in any of the mountains of paperwork this was likely to generate. No matter how much Darcy pouted.
Meanwhile Sif made a beeline towards Loki. Rather easily, she lifted the god off the table to give him a hug and Clint was surprised when Loki didn't resist but actually leaned into it. Fandral laughed happily at the two, bending forward to roll another joint. It certainly seemed that all feelings of animosity towards Loki had disappeared but Clint wondered how long that would last after the smoky haze cleared. Suddenly, there was a song change that got Darcy overly excited. She threw Loki's helmet onto the couch and started to move to the faster beat in a practised set of movements.
"Whoo!" Darcy proceeded to dance in accordance to the lyrics. Although he didn't know exactly that the dance was called, Clint thoroughly enjoyed watching Darcy shaking it to the ground (or table top) before she brought it back up only to do it all again. It was impressive she didn't lose her balance while still swinging the rum bottle dangerously. The sharp movements made Clint want to drag her into an private room when he noticed Tony watching her with interest. Almost all his reserve vanished when she bent her knees and did a popping movement with her hips. A rattling breath left his chest when Darcy winked at Clint after his gaze lingered a bit too long on her shorts.
"JARVIS! This joyous occasion calls for Thai! Oh and Indian, I just love naan bread," Tony ordered, starting to sway to the music, even if it was far from his preference of tunes.
"Of course sir, I'll call in for your normal orders," the AI said crisply. Clint wondered if the AI disapproved of weed, no matter the planet of origin. Then he remembered that it had been made by Tony and probably set up his deals.
"And booze!" Tony said enthusiastically with wide eyes. "Open up the booze! Someone get the booze!"
"Shots! Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!" Darcy started to sing and twirl in a circle, rum bottle hoisted high in the air. Out of instinct, Clint moved in closer, ready to catch her if she fell. His movement felt a little sluggish and he contemplated if the second hand smoke was starting to affect him. He also realised he'd been doing a lot more contemplation about random things as he let his mind wander. Just as he tried to work out how strong the weed had to be to get the immortals high, one of the legs on the table broke, causing Darcy to tumble into Clint's arms. It was nice, having her warm curves pressed up against him in real life as opposed to scattered dreams. He didn't bat an eye when Darcy wrapped an arm around his neck and wrapped her legs around his waist, just held her closer. Maybe he did have a chance with her after all.
"Loki, have you indulged in the body shot?" Sif asked excitedly before giggling into Loki's neck.
"No, I-" started Loki, looking at the broken table suspiciously until Sif interrupted him by dragging him towards the kitchen that held Tony's impressive shrine of all things alcohol.
"Get it girl!" Darcy leered after them, devious smile on her face showing this had been apart of her plan all along. The one that Loki hadn't been privy to.
"Come Fandral! Hogun! Body shots!" Volstagg shouted enthusiastically despite not really understanding what they were. Either way, he knew a potential good time when he saw it and took a pizza box in one hand while dragging a lethargic Fandral with the other. Hogun didn't need to be told twice and followed with a purple Slurpee. Before they left the room, Natasha took the blunt from Fandral's hand and inhaled. A satisfied sigh escaped her lips along with the smoke.
"I don't approve of this. Any of it," Steve frowned, arms crossed as the Thor threw Jane (who was enjoying a pop tart and thus didn't mind being handled a little roughly) over his shoulder and followed the other Asgardians towards body shots and what was likely to turn into an orgy. Clint considered following because an Asgardian orgy might be a great way to get Darcy in the mood, while he happened to have her in his arms. Tactics of how to get Darcy's clothes off and keep her attention away from any other male were stalled when Clint noticed the look he was getting from Steve. Apparently, the Cap saw him as the last line of defence in the madness descending and was hoping for some help in stabilising the situation. If Clint didn't have Darcy's straying fingers trying to make their way under his shirt, he might have cared that they were starting to look like Reefer Madness 2: Revenge of the Outer Space Cannabis.
"Captain, it is not alcohol but it is relaxing," Natasha said to Steve in a tempting voice. Clint knew that voice. It was the voice she used to get him into her bed years ago (not that he needed much convincing back then). There was no way Steve stood a chance.
"You're always so stressed Steve," Tony joined.
"And this high blend would give your metabolism something to work on," Bruce chuckled slightly, cheesy grin plastered on his face. For a second, Steve's resolve seemed to falter and Clint was excited at the possibility that America's favourite son was going to get high.
"I don't know. It doesn't seem right."
Before Clint could see if Steve was going to give in or not, Darcy's hand made it's way into his trousers. Jumping a little at the surprise, he looked back to find Darcy trying to look innocent but failing terribly.
"What? Is that an arrow or are you really that happy to see me?"
"I-"
"Wanna lick salt off my neck?" she asked suddenly and Clint found himself saying yes before he could even think about his words. "Good. Let's go before they drink all the good tequila." As he started to carry Darcy towards out the door, he noticed Steve holding the joint and staring at it dubiously. With Natasha, Tony and Bruce looking at him expectantly, Steve looked like one of those anti-peer pressure ads. Deciding in for a penny, in for a pound, Clint leaned over and took a quick puff while the joint was still being held by Steve. Letting out a smoky laugh at Steve's appalled face, Clint continued to carry Darcy out and work on getting properly aquatinted with her neck.