"Hey, so...remember that time we ran into my mother while we were out and I kind of made you hide so that she wouldn't get the wrong idea about us?"
John frowned at you as he took a slow sip of the definitely-not-a-bribe scotch you'd given him. "As I recall she didn't want you around me too much because I've been driving away all the single guys who want to date you."
"You have been, and it's been so wonderful!"
"I'm sensing a 'but' here."
Deep breath. "I messed up, John. I messed up so bad and I need you to help me fix it."
The flicker of worry you saw in his eyes almost immediately changed to suspicion. "What did you do?"
"Only what I had to! You've met her, you know what she's like!"
"Start talking, Y/N."
You started to pace around the living room, nerves getting the best of you as you found yourself unable to stop your nervous babbling the longer you went on. "We hang out a lot, yeah? We do, and it seems to confuse a few people seeing as we're not dating or anything. We're just friends, and that is just-" embarrassing yourself further, you whipped out the old 'double-thumbs-up' paired with a tongue click, missing the way John choked on his drink. "-so great. It's great. Aahhm...less great, though, Mum tried to set me up on a date this morning." The significant look you sent him did nothing. "I had to lie to get out of it."
"Yeah?"
"I started with the intention of...well actually I don't really know what I was going to say but that nervous-babble thing I do really kicked in and screwed me over."
"You're doing it right now."
"I am aware, John. I know I'm doing it, I just can't seem to stop. Alright so what I ended up doing - completely by accident I should add - was just saying that we're…" You gestured wildly between the two of you. "...you know. Dating. We're doing that. Which is not so bad, except that now she's insisting that we go over for dinner tonight and I couldn't get out of it. I even said something about leg stuff," Another wild gesture, though this time it was to his prosthetic leg. "But she wouldn't buy it. I mean probably because I was just making stuff up on the spot but still."
John handed you his glass. "Drink. Now. Finish it." He watched as you obediently downed the contents and took a moment to calm yourself. "I'm a detective."
"You sure are."
"Detectives have cases. I could have just had a case."
"Oh…oh! I can't believe I didn't think of that! It would have worked, too. I'm not impressed with myself right now." Embarrassment drove you to start pacing the room. "See this is why I don't like being ambushed. I'm no good at the quick thinking thing like you are. Damn it."
"Alright enough with the pacing." He snagged your arm and turned you to face him. "How long do we have before we're due at her house?"
"Three hours." You groaned and covered your face with your hands. "John, you don't have to do it. I know you don't like her - hell, sometimes I don't like her - but this was all my fault. I shouldn't have dragged you into it, I'm sorry.."
"Quit apologising. If we play this right she'll be off our backs and I won't have to hide when we're in public anymore." He pulled your hands away from your face and held them still in his. "Calm down, we'll be fine. We know enough about each other to pull this off, so all we'll really have to do is throw in a couple kisses here and there and that's that."
"Alright look, if we're going to be doing the kissing thing I think I'm going to need you to take charge there. I mean I'm not completely inexperienced, of course I can do it, I'm just not good at gauging situations and stuff and honestly if you leave it to me I'm just going to babble away instead of actually taking action."
"Like you're doing right now?"
"Exactly like I'm doing right now, John. I only seem to dig myself a deeper hole when this happens so please feel free to step in anytime and stop me from embarrassing myself any furth-"
Though only brief, the press of his lips against yours was enough to silence you and you stared up at him, your expression akin to that of a goldfish as you unsuccessfully tried to talk.
"There, now, isn't that better? So nice and quiet in here. So, plan of action; we go in, we eat, and then we're out. You may not have been able to get us out of it, but I'm a pretty good negotiator, so let me do all the talking. And I do mean all the talking, Y/N, because I aim to be back here by ten-thirty at the latest."
"Hey! Hey!" You gave him a fierce glare and poked at his chest. "I'd like to see you try and get us out by then! She's met John-the-friend, not John-the-boyfriend, so just you wait, mister."
"Oh, please. She's not the first mother I've met, and she won't be the last."
"Well I sure hope you're a damned sight more charming when we see her later or we are screwed." You turned away from John and started pacing the floor. "Damn it, she's going to see right through me. I'll never hear the end of this." You spun on the spot to continue your pacing and ended up running into John, your hands coming up to grab his arms as you steadied yourself.
"Relax, Y/N. We've got some time to get our stories straight, all we need to work on are your reactions."
"My reactions are fine, thank you."
John lifted a hand to your face, his thumb stroking your bottom lip as he watched your cheeks flame. "This is what I'm talking about. Though it is good that you react this way, it needs to be a comfortable, new-relationship reaction; not the startled-deer look you've got now."
"I can't help the whole deer thing, you know. I doubt it'll be going away anytime soon so we'll just have to deal with it."
"Or… we could fix it right now." He kissed you again, this time hard and fast. He ran his tongue along your lips, urging your mouth open as you pressed ever closer. His hand left your face to twist in your hair, and he pulled back to look down at you; your lips were parted beautifully, cheeks flushed, breathing slightly uneven. "There we go. Just gotta get you used to me."
"H-how long will that take?"
His words were a low whisper as his lips ghosted over yours. "As long as it takes."