It was a cold night in Seattle, I'd been sleeping at the bus shelter for the past couple of nights, but it was time to move on. Summer was easier for those who like me, were homeless, and it was easier to find places outdoors that could be used for a place to sleep for the night. But the weather was changing, and I'd need to find somewhere indoors for the Winter, or move to one of the more popular (and therefore more populated), and sheltered areas.
Each of these options had its own risks and rewards. Option A usually had costs, or rules attached- most shelters would only allow you to stay a certain number of nights, and were strict on "prohibited substance use". On the other hand, there was regular food, hot showers and physical safety- especially at the women only shelters. Option B there was no time limit (unless the cops moved you on) so if you find a good spot you were pretty much guaranteed to know you neighbours for the whole time you were there. That in itself offered its own form of safety. There was more freedom- I could come and go as I pleased, and no one would look down on you for being high, most of the time, people were willing to share with you, as long as you paid back in kind. The downside was safety was not guaranteed and sometimes, especially as a female, I had to pay for the privilege by sharing someone's sleeping bag. There was also increased risk of theft; I didn't have much left from my life before, but the few items I did have I wanted to hang on to.
After a few years on the street, I'd given both of these options a try, but I was no closer to determining which way was the best one to go. I picked up my backpack and started walking south. My backpack contained my whole life- a travel-sized blanket I kept rolled up tight, a couple of long sleeved shirts, 2 pairs of socks, 2 beanies and a pair of gloves, a toothbrush, hairbrush and a couple of elastics, and my wallet which held no cash, but did have my ID, a couple of small photos and his note, that to this day I still couldn't get rid of. I wore my only coat and pair of jeans. My sneakers were in desperate need of replacement, so I would swing by one of the charities in the next day or so to pick up a replacement pair. I wasn't fussy on what I would get- I was more than grateful that I had an option.
I was heading towards one of the underpasses I had slept under previously, kicking a couple of rocks along the way. I liked this spot, there was a good mix of women and men, and was relatively safe. Cops never cleared people away and it was a good spot when the weather wasn't freezing. During the dead of Winter there would be too much wind, but for tonight- cool, but not icy yet- there be a few of us, maybe a fire or two going, and perhaps some booze to share, if people were feeling generous. There was also a chance that the one person I could remotely call a friend would be there. Lexi was a few years younger than me and had been on the streets for longer than I had. She was a complicated mix of fragility and strength, anger and sadness. I admired her greatly for ability to survive this hard life whilst still retaining her sweetness and compassion. I hoped she would be there tonight as it had been a few weeks since I had seen her last, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up. We sometimes went months without crossing paths, but eventually we would find each other again.
Lexi was one of the first people I ever met once I joined the ranks of the city's vagrants. It was a night like this one, about three years ago. I'd just been kicked out of my last apartment and had no idea what I was doing so I just kept walking around the city center. It was 2am and I was dead on my feet, but I kept walking. I could see that there were a few people sitting on the bench who I could tell were homeless like me, but I kept going wide rather than walk close to them. Even though I had no home of my own I was apprehensive to go near these people who I thought might be dangerous. Another hour of walking around and I couldn't walk any further. I dropped down near the edge of the park, away from the loud group people and in an area with no streetlight. I was just drifting off, with my backpack on my lap, and my upper body leaning against a tree when I was startled awake by the sound of someone approaching. I couldn't make out who it was yet, and I was panicking. I couldn't hear the group from before and I was completely alone. I was nearly hyperventilating, feeling around on the ground nearly to try and grab a decent sized rock that I could use as a makeshift weapon. I could finally make out her silhouette when I first heard her snort derisively at me. "You're new to this, aren't you?"
I tried to answer her, but my mouth was so dry I'm sure I ended up looking like a gaping fish with no sound coming out.
"Come on, you can't stay here. No light means you can't see who could sneak up on you and with no lights, there's no chance of witnesses so arseholes are more likely to bother you." She held out a hand to me, I could still barely see her face, but her eyes were reflecting the little light there was, and I could see that there was empathy and kindness in them. I grabbed her hand and let her pull me up.
"Come with me, I'm heading over to Miller Street, there a couple of benches there we can use."
On the walk she gave a class on 'Homeless 101'. Good places to sleep, places to avoid, where to get a hot shower and good food, a few names to remember of those who are good to get to know and a longer list of those I should avoid. I was still shocked from the sleep deprivation and the fact I ended up in this position in the first place, but I managed to remember a lot of what she told me that night, and my first few months on the street weren't nearly s bad as they could have been. We parted ways in the morning, Lexi heading out to find a coffee and some food, myself heading west towards a shelter where she said I could pick up a blanket and some clean socks. The next time I saw her was 2 months later at the same place I was headed tonight. I was standing close to one of the fires, trying to keep warm when Lexi came up and stood next to me. "Glad to see you're still alive. Chances are if you've made it this long, you'll be around for a while yet." I was both proud, and disappointed at her comment. I didn't know why I continued living but no matter how much I hated my existence, I could ever take my own life, knowing Charlie would be called to identify the body. I still can't decide if that made me a coward or not.
As I walked up down towards the underpass, I could see that there was a large group tonight. My eyes did a brief sweep of those present and I relaxed slightly. Most were faces I knew and there were none of those I could identify as dangerous. It looked like there was smokes and some spoons and needles being passed around, and I immediately perked up. I was out of everything and hoped that they wouldn't mind sharing it around to one more.
I sat down next to Marty and Kev, taking my backpack off and placing it beside me, and greeting them as I did so. "Hey Bella" they returned. These two were in their late 20s, and had been kicked out of home for having a relationship together, after a few weeks on the street they got hooked to H and now they were lifers. Like me.
"Who have we got here tonight?"
"Just the usual Bells." Marty answered. He was the talkative one of the pair. "Nancy and Jess said they might be here tonight- looks like it's gonna be a younger crowd."
I nodded and grabbed the bottle that Marty was offering me offering my thanks. I took a deep sip and passed it back. Whiskey. I didn't want to know where they got it, or what they had to do to get it, but I was grateful they were offering to share it with me tonight.
"Got anything to eat Bells?" Kev asked.
I opened my bag and grabbed the couple of sandwiches I had on top I had picked up from the outreach van this morning. I wasn't in the mood for food tonight, especially since I knew there was booze and other drugs about. I wanted to feel their full effects. Kev muttered his thanks as he took them, unwrapping one and sharing it with Marty. We passed the bottle back and forth a few times and I could slowly feel a pleasant buzz coming on. I wasn't a big alcohol drinker and I could appreciate the effect rather quickly compared to some of the others. The fact that I was very thin and barely ate also meant that it went to work on me quicker than on the guys. My usual drugs of choice were intravenous, and as the night went on Marty Kev and I ended up sharing some H. it was the only thing that gave me any relief from the pain in my chest, that I still carried to this day, some 5 and a bit years later.
I was rather bleary eyed when I finally woke up in the morning, still feeling the effects of everything we had last night. I looked around. The fires were out, and everyone was either sleeping or shuffling around. Marty and Kev were cuddled up together to my left; I was spooning my backpack. This was how I usually woke up. The only time I woke up in someone's arms was when I had to sleep with them to guarantee my safety for the night, or to pay for the drugs I had taken. I still wasn't a complete addict- I only occasionally slept with someone for money or H, but I still would use at least once or twice a week. I made sure I stayed on top of my hygiene and ate at least once every day or so. It was a hard line to walk- trying to not let myself go completely, but so tempted to just give up and not care at all.
AN- This was a short story I've had in my head for a while and thought it would be a good introduction to the world of FF. I'm starting to work on some longer pieces so I'll start putting those up shortly.