A/N: The short Angsty piece is about exploring desires. I try to keep this IC. I changed the story slightly after watching the episode and getting advice on the forum about the nature of the first test. The edit does not change the premise of the story what so ever, just keep it more within canon.
This story mentioned a study conducted about asexuals. It is a real study that I found during my research for this story and can be found on the internet. I understand if some people may find what Sheldon says as offensive, but remember, it's Sheldon. He is not the most kind person.
Don't be surprised if you want to kill Sheldon by the first few chapters. Know this, however: Shamy ship will always sail true, sometimes it needs a little time. Don't worry. I got your Shamy's backs.
Schrödinger's Coitus: Chapter One: Curiosity killed the Cat.
That was it? That brief awkward, loveless moment was what she was waiting for? 4 and half years for 2 minutes of pain and rejection? No wonder he never wanted to do before and she should have listened. Now, she probably ruined her relationship with her misophobic boyfriend and she will be alone, again. Her biggest fear. She already felt alone, when she was lying under him. It was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be great, mind altering, soul fulfilling. It was supposed to blending of mind and body. It wasn't. It was discomfited, painful and over far too soon. Probably for the best; if it was good she might miss it when he takes it away.
Amy's thoughts were awash in throbbing pain from her empty dalliance with Sheldon that she just escaped. The pain between her legs was nothing compared to how her heart was aching. Her shaking hands were gripping the steering wheel that she had no business operated at that moment. The salty taste of tears was the only sensation of her lips since he refused to kiss her. It was supposed to be different. She never should have suggested it. Schrödinger's cat hypothesis of coitus be damned.
He had it all planned out before she got there. She expected some form of affection for their first time together, but no, he was all business. What did she expect? She was the one who suggested treating coitus as a science experiment.
She never should've listened to her friends who told her to push him on coitus since he kissed her. She couldn't blame them, though. Amy Farrah Fowler was at fault for this farce for sure.
It all started that night after they discussed that damn test they took that scored their relationship. The decided to take a different survey to verify the results. Many of the questions had to do with sex, and both Amy and Sheldon were perplexed.
They scored very high, partially due to fact that Sheldon removed the coital based questions from the survey. 8.2 on the first test was a great score to be sure, however, but they scored a 9.6 on the new test. However, it was based off of tainted, incomplete data.
"Are you sure this is a valid gauge of a relationship, Amy? It seems focused on coitus more than anticipations of your partner's needs."
"Well, this is the first I've read these questions, but I have to say, based on personal anecdotal evidence and current mores and demographic studies, some partners need coitus. Most couples do, ya know."
"We don't need it." His smug smile of arrogance at his seemingly perfect relationship was endearing if it wasn't misplaced. He was happy, sure. Happy was a strong word. He was content the same way he is content to eat at the same restaurants or wear humdrum clothing. Amy was part of his routine. She didn't bring joy, she didn't bring elation. She only brought the most appealing quality in girlfriend: Predictability. He never once asked if she was happy, or displayed any action that would show he cared if she was. "A fact I am very happy about, thank you. "
"Well, speak for yourself. I am not sure."
"Not, this again, Amy… " He set down his tea mug, as he took a deep breath to ready his lungs for the much needed edification of folly of following one's baser urges. "We have been together for 3 years, successfully I might add, without the need for that particular vulgar and unsanitary act. We are doing just fine." Sheldon's wide eyes were supposed to end the discussion without further debate. His eyes didn't work on Amy.
"Well, Sheldon. I am shocked."
"About what?"
"What do you base the term "successfully" upon? I am curious."
"Well…" He looked out over the room to thumb through his paltry list of relationship successes. Finally, he had an answer, "We haven't broken up."
"You broke up with me over a table."
"I retracted that."
"The deed was done. We had to sign a new agreement. You insisted."
"A small blemish on an otherwise perfect pairing."
It was Amy's turn to take a deep breath. " I don't know what the big deal is anyway. We are scientists. We should explore all data points before making a conclusion that is so final, don't you think? The question: is our relationship successful? Hypothesis: Yes with an asterix."
"What do you mean an asterix?"
"Since we don't know if our relationship can stand up to scrutiny post coitus, how can we really know with any certainly say our relationship is successful, ergo we are making the conclusion with an incomplete data set."
"Not all relationships contain coitus as a factor that would be included in the criteria."
"Correct, but those relationships are rarely between pair bonded individuals. You altered our relationship by asking me to be your girlfriend. If we were just friends, then you would've have valid argument. "
"Do you want to break up? Sheldon voice raised an octave a shook a little in his throat. He didn't want to break up with Amy anymore than he wanted to give up his spot or change dry cleaners. But he didn't want the constraint of coitus.
"No, not at all, Sheldon. I am simply stating that since we are in a pair bonded relationship, then the parameters of judging the success of the relationship must be cogently met in order for a conclusive statement regarding it's success. Since we have not engaged in coitus, then we will never really know. The issue is unresolved." Amy picked her tea to hide her smirk while she watched Sheldon's eyes dart around in search for a strand of an argument he could use against her.
Her chicanery ran rampant in her arguments with Sheldon concerning intimacy. The date night kiss was another debate she had out maneuvered him through artifice and skillful pragmatism. He ripped the band-aid off that particular act, coitus might be the same. This time, Amy was playing off his innate need for closure to win the argument. It was devilishly cunning, and she was twinges of guilt while she said it. The white angel on her shoulder telling her to stop was ignored and guilt was out of luck.
Amy continued with the final blow: "You might find you are asexual, and have no need for coitus. Then we would know that fact, and be able to plan our relationship accordingly with strict expectations and parameters. Now, it is an ambiguous question we will not be able to answer." If Amy could play to his need for control and neurotic need for expectations clearly outlined, she could get arrow in her quiver of tricks.
Sheldon's voice lowered as well as his brow, "I am not asexual."
"How do you know? I know I am not asexual because I have sexual attraction to the opposite sex."
"Like who?" Sheldon whispered his jealousy through his teeth, hoping for the right answers. Amy gave him two. One answer scared him, and one aggravated him.
"Well, you of course and also remember there was Zack."
"Yes, I remember that… Clearly." Sheldon annoyed voice at the mention of Amy's attraction to Zack caused her a side smirk that was hard to mask. "Don't get a thick head, Fowler. You were foolish to want to give into baser urges like that for one night of carnal bliss. Thankfully, you gave up that pitiful pursuit to return to the realm of pure intellect."
"I did give up on that idea, but not because I lost my sexual desire. It was a good learning exercise. I recognized I have sexual attraction to the opposite sex. I am not asexual, not in the least. Which I am very happy about, by the way. I read a study that compared asexuals with sexuals, and education has a significant and negative effect on the likelihood of being an asexual. It found that of the two dimensions of sexuality, behavior and self-identification, asexuals are often less educated than sexuals. Additionally, asexuals have poor health and are lower on the social economic scale than sexuals."
Sheldon looked infuriated, "I'd like to see this study!"
"Patterns' of asexuality in the US by Poston and Baumie, 2010."
"Well! I am educated! And in excellent health! Additionally, I do very well, financially, thank you very much! So that study is complete Hookum."
"Sheldon, you don't even know if you are asexual. Don't be so defensive. Also, you know that anecdotal testimonies are not valid argument verses analyzing data over a continuum. Which brings me full circle to my premise: We don't know if we are in a successful relationship."
Sheldon clenched his jaw. He didn't want to put into the box with a label of asexual given this new box was, (in his unqualified opinion), decorated with "sick, stupid, poor people."
"So it is your supposition that we are not in a successful relationship? And if we engage in coitus, we would be, is that correct, Dr. Fowler?"
"Not at all. I submit simply that we don't know for sure we are in a successful relationship because we haven't tested all the parameters. I am not willing to put a label on incomplete data. That is all."
"How do you purpose we complete the data? Smash our swim suit parts together to prove a point?"
Amy had to laugh at Sheldon's pale fear filled face. It wasn't until she saw him widen his eyes, looking for an answer, that she took him seriously. "Okay. Are you sure you want me to suggest this?"
"By all means, Amy, lay it out there."
"I propose we engage in coitus, one time. Let that Schrödinger's cat out, see if it is dead or not. We try it once. If afterwards, we don't not like it, we never have to engage in it again. The expectations of further intimacy are off the table. We return to a relationship of pure intellect with no requirements for physical contact again."
"Wow, Amy. That is putting all your eggs in one basket, so to speak."
"Well, my eggs are safely away in my basket, thank you. I am on birth control." Sheldon raised his eyes to Amy upon hearing this latest information. "That is not the issue, that's logistics."
"Speaking of logistics, what would that entail?" Sheldon seemed more interested than Amy had expected. However, Amy had not thought through the details how this experiment would occur at all. A lack of planning and clear expectations she would later regret. For now, she was blissfully unaware of just how painstakingly detailed her boyfriend could be. "I would leave that up to you."
Sheldon thought about it for more than 7.8 seconds, and then responded, "I will get back to you."
After Amy left that night, she drove the short distance back to Glendale with her thoughts flooded with romantic notions of her first night with Sheldon.
Amy would be waiting for him in her apartment, in a white flowing nightgown draping across the couch. He would enter the room, wearing a button down tux shirt and undid bow tie hanging on his delicious neck. "Amy, I've been waiting a long time for this moment. I want it to be perfect, you deserve nothing less." He grabs her off the couch and pulls her into a heated kiss. She can feel his hot breath moving down her neck as his hands are roaming her back, feeling her every curve. In one fluid motion, he leans down, grabs her under her knees and lifts her up in his suddenly strong bulging arms. For some reason his shirt is off, and his hair has grown 7 inches in the last minute.
As Sheldon carries her into the bed room, she arches her back displaying her gaping nightgown. He slowly lowers her on the silken sheets. It was a good thing she had the forethought to light all those candles surrounding the bed; also it was fortuitous that her bed had magically transported to a beach resort overlooking the ocean. She hasn't the time to take in the view, because Sheldon has his own fluid motions as he is rushing over her body with a renewed hunger. His large hands have pulled off her nightgown sleeves, exposing her breasts that he wasted no time caressing with his tongue. He is holding her hands with one hands while the other explores her skin like it is written in braille. She arches her back to his tender touch as he slowly pulls apart her legs and touches her so delicately, she feels like his fingers are feathers. "I want feel your every pore Amy. Please let me make love to you." OH yes! Please! Sheldon. Take me! Suddenly, she is naked under his sleek and taut body as he is deepening his kisses probing her mouth with his eager tongue. She is feeling his naked body as he moves between her, holding her head as his blue eyes pore into her soul. He is about to enter her, claiming her as his own… "HHHHOOOONNNNNKKKKK!
Amy really shouldn't day dream while she is waiting for red light. She continues her solo journey to her lonely blue apartment in Glendale with her mind a flutter with desire and her legs squeezed together to hold in her throbbing.
For the seven days after their talk, Sheldon and Amy communicate regularly, however their conversations consist of mundane machinations of Leonard's gaming skills deteriorating and Sheldon's medical scare over his recent bowel changes and sudden onset acid reflux. Amy doesn't broach the subject of the coitus proposal, and neither does he. Thursday is date night, and their regularly scheduled evening of banal dinner conversation followed by an obligatory romantic movie is scheduled. Amy makes her way to Los Robles to retrieve her less than enthusiastic partner. She hopes that he might revisit the subject of last week discussion, but she is accustomed to disappointment concerning Sheldon's conversations and interests.
"Good evening Amy Farrah Fowler."
"Good evening Sheldon Cooper, are you ready to go?"
"I have ordered the pizza. It should be here soon. I hope you like selection. Our regular place changed the sauce recipe and it's inedible. I have drafted a strongly worded email to the…"
"Sheldon, we aren't going out? I thought it was date night?" Pizza is the usual dinner choice for Thursday. For Sheldon to order the regular dinner choice indicated to Amy that he had forgotten date night; an impossibility for her eidetic memory blessed boyfriend.
"Of course it is date night, Amy.. Why else would you be here?" Sheldon rolled his eyes at his girlfriend's idle observation. He felt a way of exhaustion when he searched her eyes, and found sustained ignorance. He had to spell it out for her.
"We are going to discuss your proposal; a subject unsuitable for public eateries or darkened theaters. Now please, come in before I have to explain your slack jawed expression to my meddlesome blond neighbor."
Amy took in a deep breath and opened her eyes wide with surprise. She hadn't expected a response, let alone a night dedicated to its further discussion. "Okay, color me intrigued." She made her way to the couch and sat nervously in the middle.
"Looks like your already colored crimson, but perhaps you are famished. Pizza should be here…" Knock Knock Knock… "On time. I like this new place already."
Sheldon retrieved the pizza and two plates. "May I offer you a beverage?"
"Well, depending on our topic of conversation, either a hot tea or shot of Jack."
"Alcohol, Amy? Really?"
"A jest. A tea would be lovely." Amy noticed a freshly bound document on the coffee table and his notary stamp was out. It seems the monarch butterflies found a new migration point in the location of Amy's stomach. She was itching to read the document, but Sheldon handed her a pizza slice and they ate in the usual silence for ten anxiety inducing minutes before Sheldon spoke again.
"If you are finished, I will remove the plates. You can peruse the document and we can discuss the specifics."
Amy trembling hands picked up the document titled, "Coitus experiment parameters and protocols." It was thinner than the relationship agreement, but density of words overshadowed the volume. "I can't believe you are really up for this… Is real or should I expect a 'bazinga'?"
Sheldon lowered his cocked head and raised his eyebrow, "Amy, you are the one who brought this subject to the forefront. You stated we couldn't say with certainty that our relationship was successful. This action will alleviate the ambiguity, if we perform it with the efficacy required..." He brought the plates to the sink and raised his head again like a new thought had just now pierced his mind, "Do you not want to engage in coitus?"
"No, I do. I have for a while. I am just flabbergasted, that's all." Amy didn't want to talk anymore and give Sheldon an out. She also didn't want to give a diffident response to any more of his inquiries. She needed to be alluringly brazen; an unfamiliar quality was for Amy.
The first page of the agreement was a non-disclosure clause. Sheldon was insuring his chaste reputation with the group, no doubt. Truthfully, Amy was thankful for it. She didn't want her first time spread across Cal-Tech's gossipy halls. Next, the parameters for the study, the reasoning, and the qualifying criteria were outlined in graphic detail. It was organized like most studies that Amy had read for her biology background. The next section required more scrutiny; the act itself.
The couple would remain clothed from the waste up. No unnecessary fondling. Condom must be worn. The couple will assess the conclusion of the study in one week from the act itself.
"Why the long assessment period?"
"We need time to formulate our reactions. There is a survey attached to the agreement. It can be sent as a PDF or preferably, a Google form. I will send you the link." Sheldon was done cleaning the dishes and fixing the tea. He brought two cups to the coffee table and watched Amy as her eyes roamed the document that he had put so much work to complete. He wanted to be clear what to expect for both parties.
"I read here that if both parties agree that the experiment was a failure, then all progress toward intimacy to be forfeited. So, if we hate it, we never do it again?"
"Correct. More importantly, we never have to revisit this unnecessary topic. Honestly Amy, it is distracting to be a slave to your baser urges. You can acknowledge your desires, without giving in to them and letting them live rent free in your mind. If we do this, and it is not mutually beneficial to both parties, then we cease with the physical aspect of our relationship."
Amy swallowed hard and timidly asked, "We would break up if you hate having sex with me?"
"No no, Amy… Honestly woman, read the document. We would not break up, the status of relationship cannot be changed due the experiment. We would revert to our previous restrictions on physical contact. More importantly, we would not have to worry about intimacy anymore. It's one of the appeals of this endeavor and the main reason that I am willing to try this experiment."
Amy snorted out her nose like a dragon, but she tried to keep her voice at a calm volume. She failed, "So, you are doing this just so we stop physical contact. Don't you think, Dr. Cooper that attitude will skew the results when you have preconceived notions about the study's results? You are tainting the study with bias before it begins."
Sheldon looked offended by her remarks, "It is written in the agreement that both parties will have an open mind. It's true. I do not expect to enjoy coitus. You, Dr. Fowler are expecting to like it, your own bias, as you say. Are you prepared mentally if you don't? We both have to keep an open mind. This is science, Amy. We can do this. Better than anyone. I trust we can keep an open mind."
Science, that's all. Amy should expect nothing less from the carefully ordered mind of Sheldon Cooper. He was right, of course. Amy was expecting to love it. She had been waiting for years for the hints of tenderness from him. She had been sniffing for crumbs of affection giving her some indication that he found her attractive, that he desired her. The kiss on the train showed her he did for a brief moment. Those seconds of his lips on hers brought her more bliss than she experienced in a lifetime before. She could tell it shocked him, as it did Amy. His subsequent kisses on date nights were so clinical, like he was going through the motions. The passion of the train kiss was forgotten for routine. He was comfortable with her and that was all he needed.
Amy resolved this was the only way she would probably ever have coitus. Sure, she could have a torrid night of love making with some stranger in a bar or with that ape-like face of Zack, but she didn't want to. She wanted Sheldon to be her first, her only. She was in love with Sheldon and her heart wouldn't let her leave him. Coitus could bring them together, 3 years ahead of her original schedule.
"Okay. I'll sign." Amy's shaky signature and initials on the documents should have been a clue for Sheldon to offer some words of comfort to his obviously nervous girlfriend. None were offered, just typical cold detachment.
"Good." Sheldon readied his notary stamp and within 3 minutes, the document was legal.
"Did you shower before you come over, Amy?" Sheldon rose from his spot and filed the documents while he asked his unusual question.
Amy looked confused by his query, 'Yes, I always do. Why?"
"Let's begin." Sheldon walked back to the bedroom, awaiting Amy.
"What, now?" Amy instinctively held her hands to her cardigan, shielding her modesty. She hadn't expected tonight would be the night. She wanted to buy prettier underwear; maybe a new dress.
"Yes now! What did you think was going to happen when we ate in?"
"Well, I thought I would have enough time to prepare."
"Everything is prepared. We will have to forgo our movie for the evening. However, we finish in time, we might be able to catch a rerun of last week's Doctor Who." Sheldon walked back to his room. Expecting Amy to follow. She sat on the couch, not sure how to proceed. She looked around, the room for someone to make an announcement, any sign of trumpets or harp music. Nothing except the sound of Sheldon's computer humming and the door of his room opening. Amy stood up, testing her knees for balance before heading toward the bedroom. She was about to lose her virginity to Sheldon Cooper. The only sound she could hear was her heart beating in her throat.