The Things You Said
Mac had just turned out the light and settled into bed when there was a knock on his front door. He opened one eye and rolled over to check the time with a heavy groan: 1:37 in the morning. He'd stayed late at the lab trying to find a connection between DJ Pratt and open rape cases, but he'd finally given up an hour earlier when he was still coming up with nothing and his eyes were beginning to burn from staring at pictures and reports for hours. The knock at the door came again and Mac dragged a hand over his face. "All right," he grumbled, "hold on."
He pushed himself out of bed and padded to the door. Even through his exhaustion, he knew better than not to look through the peephole before opening his door at all hours of the night. His body was set on edge when he saw Stella. At first, he thought she might be there because she was having trouble sleeping again. She'd only stayed with him for two nights after the Frankie ordeal, he reminded himself; he'd checked her into a hotel himself when she said she was ready. But she didn't look tearful or upset now. Her arms were crossed over her chest and her mouth was set in a firm frown. Her eyes looked impatient.
He swung open the door. "Stel-?"
She cut across him with a small wave of her hand as she brushed past him into the short foyer, much like she did when she'd shown up after her first meeting with the department counselor. "I have to say something."
"It can't wait until tomorrow? I was just going to bed."
"No. No, it can't wait until tomorrow, Mac."
He sighed. Supporting her while she struggled with the aftermath of Frankie was one thing, but he was never quite sure how to react when this side of her came out. He'd seen her confused, worried, angry, and even lost, but in all the years she'd been his partner, he wasn't sure that he'd ever seen her this volatile. What confused him even more in his sleep-addled state was that he seemed to be the cause and he had no clue why. Knowing he'd regret it, he gave a reluctant wave of his hand. "Well then, by all means, go ahead."
"You said things earlier today."
"Stella, you're going to have to not be so obtuse. It's nearly two o'clock in the morning-"
"Don't interrupt me! You said things today that I- I've been turning them over and over in my head, Mac, the things you said about Laura. The things you said to her face. The things you said to my face. And I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you would be such an idiot." She threw her hands in the air in exasperation.
"Stella-" He started indignantly.
"No! No, you don't get to 'Stella' me right now, Mac. You said it would be easier to pull the trigger a second time. You told me about Laura's past like it was nothing! So she killed her boyfriend in self-defense! It doesn't mean she's a killer now."
He opened his mouth again, but she pointed an accusatory finger at him. "It was a tactic to you! Does it mean so little to you that you can use what was one of the worst days of her life against her? And what's more is that there's a part of you that actually believed she was a killer! Don't try to tell me any different because we both know it's true. If this were any other case, I might make myself believe that you kept me on it, that you made me face it, because you were trying to show me I could handle it, but I'm not going to justify it this time, Mac, because you meant it. And you just said those things like it was no big deal, like we didn't just go through hell in the same situation. Is that what you think of me too now? I'm damaged goods so obviously it would be easier for me to kill someone next time because I'm so over what I did? It doesn't matter to you that the first time I fired a gun since that night was when you told me to go match the GSR pattern? Does it matter to you that by accusing Laura of murdering her boyfriend, you accused me of murdering Frankie? Does it?"
Mac reached toward her, but she flinched and stepped away, crossing her arms again. "Of course it matters, Stella. You know I don't think that about you. Come on-"
"How do I know, Mac? How do I know that you don't think the same thing about what I had to do?"
"Because, Stella, I investigated the case! I told you exactly what I thought when you stayed here."
"Well, your opinion has clearly changed," she scoffed, turning away from him.
"No it hasn't. Stella, I know what happened. And I know you. You would never murder anyone. You might have had to kill Frankie, but you didn't murder him. There's a difference. I said what I said because I don't know Laura. I know you."
She laughed derisively. "If you know me so well, why in the hell would you just pretend like this case didn't matter?"
"We were at work. I-"
"Oh yeah, I know. We have to keep personal issues out of the office. God forbid anyone has an emotion or a rough patch! It might affect our work."
"Stella," he warned.
"You know, I hate you just a little bit right now. You can be so damn…insensitive." She shoved a hand through her hair. "I can compartmentalize, Mac; I was forced to on this one. But you of all people know that compartmentalization isn't the answer for everything. We can't just check our personal lives at the door, especially when they're staring us in the face. I won't apologize for hesitating on this case and I won't apologize for what happened with Frankie. You can't…you can't just say the things you said today, Mac. You can't just expect me to turn it off or be immune to things that trigger the memories or not be insecure. And you can't be completely convinced that you can separate the situation so easily either. You can't expect me not to wonder. You just…you can't." She'd stopped pacing and sat heavily on an upholstered arm of his couch, her hands gripping her knees tightly and her hair falling in her face as she bowed her head.
It appeared as though her anger had fizzled to a more reasonable level so Mac sighed again and took a tentative step toward her, but made no move to touch her in case she started up again. "You're right," he said and her head snapped up so she could stare at him. "You're right, Stella. I was being insensitive. But you have to understand- when you said you were okay, I figured you were handling it. I figured that I didn't have to walk on eggshells around you because you were working through it. But you're right. It was insensitive of me to think that this wouldn't mean anything to you. I'm sorry."
She gave her head a little shake and smiled at him wryly after a brief pause. "Actually, it did help me prove to myself that I could still work a case like this without being biased or jumping to conclusions."
"I should have paid closer attention, Stella. It honestly didn't even cross my mind that you wouldn't be able to handle it." This time, he let his fingers brush her shoulder gently. When she didn't move away from him or throw him off, he figured it was safe to place his whole palm there to show his support.
"I'm not sure whether I should take that as a compliment or be offended that your insensitivity didn't even register with you," she scoffed.
At first, he thought she was still angry at him, but then he saw the sparkle in her eyes and the small smirk on her face that betrayed her tone of voice.
"Take it as a compliment," he said. "I never doubted you, Stella. Even right after it happened. I never doubted your motive in protecting yourself or that you would still be the strongest person I know."
She smiled gratefully at him then. "I still hate you a little bit."
He chuckled then tried to school his features. "I still hate you a little bit too for dragging me out of bed at two in the morning. But I think I can forgive you."
Her eyes sparkled at him again. "So can I."
A/N: I happened to re-watch "Stealing Home" a couple months ago and I remembered how struck I was by Stella's reaction to the case, not to mention how annoyed I was with how Mac dealt with the domestic abuse issue in the episode, especially when it was right after "All Access". So, I thought I'd give these two amazing characters a push in the right direction with this little missing scene. =] Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!