Twilight one shot:
"Edward I'm gonna kill you!" Desi shouted at the ugly vampire trying to kill her. Edward's face was twisted in a snarl, and both he and Desi were crouched for a fight. Desi sprang first and used her werewolf teeth to bite into Edwards arm and roughly tear it from his body with a horrible metallic screeching sound.
"AAAAAHHHH!!" Edward screamed like a little girl.
Desi spit the putrid bit of vampire flesh onto the ground and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. "Man you taste just as bad as you smell!"
Edward sprang this time and knocked Desi to the ground, venom dripping from his teeth. Desi said, "Ooh, I'm so scared!" and flipped him off her and caught his other arm with her teeth and the metallic sound of metal screeching on metal scraped her ears again. Edward was sobbing now, no tears, just pathetic whiny baby noises.
Desi looked at him with disgust, "And they say you're supposed to be scary! I've seen worms more frightening then you are!" She kicked him in the mouth and watched him fall, scramble, and try to run away.
"What a wimp!" Desi said before launching herself at him and catching his leg. She bit down hard and yanked, pulling his entire leg away from his torso. She tossed her head and watched Edward start hopping away on his one good leg. Desi started to laugh until tears came to her eyes and flowed down her red cheeks. The sight of the vampire hopping away with no arms and one leg was enough to make even the toughest nut crack.
"Where you going no arms!" she managed to get out through her bales of laughter. She ran after him, laughing all the while he was going faster on his one leg to get away.
"Dude, you look like a demented bunny!" Desi laughed as she yanked on his one good leg and Edward toppled over. He was wiggling like a worm now and she laughed at his ugly, twisted facial expression. She reached up to his neck with both hands and squeezed so hard his eyes bugged out of their sockets.
"Ha ha ha, no way is Jacob gonna believe this! Who knew you could make a vampire loose his eyes!"
Desi lowered her head and bit his neck, then roughly severed his head from his body with one quick toss of her head. She gripped his ugly red hair in her hand and told Edwards frozen face " Don't loose your head!" Desi started up a fire and Jacob helped her merrily toss pieces of Edward's anatomy into the cheery purple fire. Desi laughed as she threw Edward's head into the fire last, his final expression one of comedy as his mouth was twisted and gaping open, his eyes were empty, and there was only hot air in the space where his brain was supposed to be.
Desi and Jacob settled down to cuddle by their vampire fire. "That was fun! I always knew they were stupid but I had no idea they were airheads!"