I thought I knew…
I thought I knew...
I thought I had done the right thing,
I thought....
I was wrong.
Out thoughts are not facts even though we, the human race would like to perceive them as so, to take what we have, to formulating things and to act to others according to these solutions the mind brings.
That's a bunch of BS. Hell, most of us are to scared to face truth and fact so we run away, divulging ourselves into little worlds of thoughts not based on fact but on opinion witch we happen to think is true.
My name is Susan Ivanova, and this is my worst mistake, and I didn't know until it was to late.
Over the years, I've buried many friends, all my family and seen more colleagues and enemies die that I ever would have desired to see. I refused to bury him, though he is dead, I left him frozen praying for a cure. Hiding from the truth that he gave his wonderful life for a nonexistent one gave it to a woman who wished to die.
I let him go.
Watched in silent grief as the cryo-tube was jettisoned towards a sun, a life giver in itself. I wanted to pull him back keep him here as a promise to myself I could bring him back, but irrational thinking comes from the mind in witch I so hate. It isnn't fact- truth- just what I desire, and I know now that it is impossible.
I haven't spoken to my friends who are left in so long, I don't even know if they'll recognize me, be able to even speak to me. I don't even recognize who I am in my own reflection, the sorrow etched in with many years of given life, of time giving by loving hands. I know I shall rejoin him at some distant point, living this cold mortal hell day by day, watching people and time slip by without caring nor noticing.
My hair is streaked with gray, my face with unshed tears, and my heart with scars, that will never disappear. I left Earthforce and John and Delenn's request, because she was right, I was unhappy, how could I be.
Living in someone's debt, I cannot repay.
Delenn said that I could be happy, and at first I believed her. Wanted to believe her, but it is all the same. People and time flash by, and it doesn't matter. Yes, I do it for him, everyday I live is because he gave it to me. He would have wanted this; it was his dream.
Not mine.
Mine shattered the day he died.
Maybe that's why I'm old, cold, and alone, and have nothing of value for me to show for it. I'm not in Earthforce anymore, I'm working for the Mimbari, mind you, It is a great job and opportunity, but not what I would have wanted. At some point I would have wanted a small home on earth -not to much to ask is it? I never could get it, for his dreams led me to other places.
If he is happy, it will all be worth it-that's what I keep telling myself. If I live his life he will live on.
I didn't' realize till now all I needed for him to live on was my memories and for me never to forget.
My dreams are gone, my life is gone, and my heart is gone.
Now, there is only a short time left here and I pray that he'll be happy.
That's the only dream left that can come true.
-end-