Clint was exhausted, the barely healed bullet wound in his leg was throbbing. Rationally the only thing that he should want right now should be some decent food, a hot shower, and a place where he could sleep for something like, oh, the next few days. But all the he wanted was to see her, right now.
He made his way to Coulson's office, barged in without so much as knocking. His handler didn't look surprised though. "Clint! It's so good to see you, glad you made it back. I really am. We all knew you could do it. Can I get you anything? I can get your old room prepared for you, maybe you'd like some food? Have you seen the medic here yet? Maybe that would be best if you-" Clint raised his hand, interrupted. "Please. Stop. It's good to see you too. All I want is to see Natasha, is she here? She's not on a mission, is she? Please, can you tell me where I can find her?" Instantly Coulson shut his mouth. Opened it again, was searching for what to say. Clint felt a drop of dread well up inside of him.
"Coulson- What is it? Where is she, is she ok? What happened?" Phil raised a hand to interrupt. "No, calm down, she's fine. She's alive. She's here, actually just got back from a mission in Germany a couple days ago. But Barton, you just, you need to know. She didn't handle you're disappearance very well. Not very well at all. You need to understand- I can't emphasis this enough. She didn't take it well. It's like she reverted back to how she was before you rescued her- Don't worry though, just, like she was before only on Shield's side… It's bad, Clint. You changed her, then she thought you were dead, and it changed her back, into something worse."
Clint interrupted- "Wait, DEAD? You thought I was dead? It had only been five months! Shield protocol is supposed to be six months, then send someone in to confirm the agent had passed away in the field! What the heck?" Coulson was the one to interrupt now. "Barton, this is you we're talking about. You're one of the best agents that Shield has, when a month went by with no word, with the job still undone, we all assumed the worst. After that every day that went by was just another nail in your coffin."
Hawkeye collapsed into a chair, and ran his hands through his hair. "Ok. Ok, so she thought I was dead….. What did she do?" Coulson hesitated, then pulled out a file, thick and overflowing with papers."She has been working. Almost non stop. It's literally all she does- She has been on well over a hundred missions since you went missing. With almost no breaks, taking on the hardest jobs, refusing to work with a partner. And then even when I have made her stop, spend a few days back here on base, all she does is train. She never talks to me about anything but work. And she refuses to work with anyone, won't train with anyone, she is utterly alone in everything that she does. And it's as if she prefers it that way. She is how she was when you first brought her here. Isolated. Cold. Withdrawn, calculating. It's like the Natasha we came to know has disappeared entirely, all that she is now is her job."
Clint stood, moved towards the door. "Stop, you can't say that about her. I understand what she's going through, she trusted me, I told her I'd come back to her from this mission. And I betrayed her trust when it seemed like I was never coming back- but I'm here now. I can fix this,I know I can. She'll be mad at me, and maybe try to kill me when she sees I'm still alive, but I can make this right. Remind her she's more than just the Black Widow.." Clint left the room, heading for the training sector no doubt. Coulson just sat at his desk, flipping through the file of the last few months of Natasha's service. Looking at the number of people she had taken out in the line of duty, the missions she had completed, a report of the injuries she had sustained in the last few months. Coulson had watched as the Black Widow reverted back to her old self. Cold, ruthless, willing to do whatever it took to get the job done, no matter the cost. He just hoped Barton could bring back some of her humanity before it was too late.
The training room was empty at this time of night, except for Natasha. She was standing in the middle of the room, practicing various fighting styles, moving smoothly from one move to the next in a deathly dance. She took his breathe away.
Clint stood in the doorway, watching her, feeling his heart swell up with love. She was just so beautiful, but it wasn't just that he loved about her in this moment. He saw her in a way few others did. When a stranger might look at her fight like this, sparring with invisible enemies, they would see her formidable strength, her ability to destroy whatever crossed her path. But when Clint watched his partner fight he saw someone who was scared. Who had never known a time in her life when she was not being hunted down by people who wanted her dead, and was just trying to stay one step ahead of them now.
Surly she knew someone was in the room with her, but it wasn't until Natasha looked at the door that she realized who it was. When an instant before she had been a blur of energy and movement, overflowing with strength and power, now she stood totally still. Staring at her partner, with a weakness she would not admit to having written all across her face. Clint thought that he saw her mouth his name, and a smile tugged at his lips. He took a step forward, wanting nothing more than to run to Natasha and sweep her up in his arms.
But he didn't. He couldn't. He had to wait to see if she wanted to kill him first…
She stepped towards him, for a second more emotions ran across her face. Joy, shock, maybe love. But by the time she was standing in front him there was nothing. He couldn't tell what she was thinking, what she wanted. Clint didn't know who his partner was in that moment.
"Nat…. I'm back. I told you I'd come back to you, and- I'm just, I know it took me too long. That I might have scared you, I mean- Jesus, I tried my best to get out of that hellhole as soon as possible, but if I had known you thought I was dead I would have-" He had no time to prepare himself before she slapped him. The power of that slap whipped his head to the side, so hard that Clint was convinced he felt something in his neck pop. But he didn't cry out. And didn't fight back. Natasha still wasn't talking, just trembling with rage, it looked like she was considering attacking him again. And maybe this time she wouldn't just slap him.
Clint nervously took a step back, at the same time still wanting to embrace Natasha. "Tash, I deserve that, I am so sorry. Please listen to me, I couldn't get out. They caught me right before the mission should have ended, they only kept me alive hoping I could give them information on Shield. I almost didn't make it out- But even when I thought I couldn't do it anymore, when I didn't want to live to see the next day… I did. I made myself live, and be strong, and I did it for you. I just had to see you again. I love you Natasha."
The words escaped his mouth before he could think, before he remembered what Coulson had said, before Clint remembered this might not be the same woman as the one he had left behind. Clint had wanted to say those words for so long now, but he would give anything to be able to take them back.
Natasha's mouth was open slightly, her hand had lowered itself back to her side, so it didn't look like she was going to slap him at least. Finally she spoke. "That's the problem Clint. I believe you when you say that you're sorry. I believe that you think that you love me, and I think I eve loved you. But your disappearing like that, it made me realize how that love is not a weakness that I can afford to have." She turned, started to walk to where she had been fighting, but Clint grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
"Excuse me? Natasha-" She yanked her arm out of his grasp, he instantly let go. She was yelling at him now. "No, you can NOT call me that. Not Natasha, not Tash, not Nat, just STOP. Stop all of this. Ok? It's over. This thing we had, where you thought you loved me, and I thought I loved you, thats finished. So no more saying you love me, no more trying to be my friend, none of that. We're done." She again walked away, this time Clint followed her.
"Romanoff, you can't just do this to me with no explanation. I wasn't even gone all that long, what has gotten into you? And I have never said I loved you before tonight. I care about you, but I wouldn't burden you with my love if you didn't want it. I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." Natasha had grabbed her water bottle and a sweatshirt. She always stole his sweatshirts when she worked out, had from the beginning of their partnership. But Clint saw the one she was holding now was one he had never seen before. She was leaving the gym, he blocked the exit.
"Barton…." She didn't sound threatening, just tired. "No, Romanoff, where is this coming from? What have I ever done to you?" Natasha's eyes scanned the room looking for an escape, Clint wondered if he was going to have to restrain her before she ran. Then he looked into her eyes, and saw tears sparkling in them.
"Don't you see Barton? You've never had to say that you loved me, because you showed me that you did in every way but words. When you've bandaged me up, or agreed not to take me to a hospital. Every time you've brought me lunch, or a cup of coffee. You've held me after nightmares wouldn't let me sleep, you always buy me stupid little souvenirs from missions we go on. I've known that you've loved me, and I didn't stop it. I should have put a stop to this long ago." A tear snaked down her face, Clint reached out to wipe it away, she stopped his hand before he could.
"No. Barton, see? This has to stop. Whatever this is. When you were gone, it was like-my entire world was empty. The first month all I could think of was you, and when I thought you were dead, it just killed me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I wanted to go in and get you out, but Fury said you were either dead or so deep undercover that rescuing you would compromise the entire mission." More tears crept down her face, she was still holding Clint's hand.
"I didn't want to live without you. I didn't think I could. And then I realized, you had become my weakness Clint. And I can't afford to have any weaknesses, you know that. People could use you against me. I've been compromised by you. I can't, won't be compromised. That's why this has to end." She let go of his hand, there were no tears in her eyes now. "I loved you. But I had to move on, and go back to who I really am. I'm not Nat, or your spider, I'm not the girl guys fall in love with who gets to live happily ever after. I'm the Black Widow. And from now on, I work alone. And I will never let love compromise me again."
Clint was speechless, he reached out to grab Natasha, but she slipped out of his grasp. Then, she kissed him hard on the lips. It was a kiss of love. It was her final goodbye to Clint, to everything had built together. And then she was gone. And Clint was left alone in the training center, with nothing to do. No one to comfort him.