I know you're thinking...OH NO another story...why isn't she working on "Rock Me Gently"...? Well I am, but I've had this on my laptop for a while thinking it might need more or need more work. I have read over it several times, and decided to see what you think. I PROMISE I AM WORKING ON RMG TOO!

It Started With the Virus

By Lady Gage

Emergency! is not mine, and neither are the characters. I borrowed them for some fun, but I promise to give them back.

Johnny hated meeting with the shrink, but Captain Stanley had made it an order. He didn't have a choice if he wanted to keep his job. Things between him and Roy had gotten out of hand. No one wanted to see the best Paramedic team in the department break up, so they were ordered to see the department counselor or get someone on their own. Roy had gone to his own private counselor and been given clearance for duty.

Johnny had put it off as long as he could. Finally, he was put on administrative leave until he got clearance. That pissed him off real good, but he didn't have a choice anymore.

"Johnny, just make an appointment. It's not that bad." Roy urged his partner to make the call.

"All right Roy, I heard the man. I can't come back to work until I do it, so I'll do it!" Johnny slammed his locker, "I don't need a lecture from you right now too!" He turned and stalked from the locker room, out across the bay and jerked the door to his Rover open. Taking a deep breath he glanced back over his shoulder at the station that he loved knowing it may be his last time there. He slid behind the wheel, revved the engine and sped out of the lot. 'How can I go to a therapist? How can I tell them what's got me so crazy? I can't do that to Roy. I just can't do it.'

But he had made the call. Three days later Roy was injured at a fire. It was a minor concussion, but Johnny had convinced himself that no one could keep an eye on his partner like he could. If he wanted to keep Roy safe, he would have to get back to work no matter what.

He found a private therapist that had an opening that afternoon. Now all he had to do was bluff this guy off and get back to work.

It hadn't been that easy. The therapist saw right through his bluff and pressed for more information.

"Okay John, you and I both know there is more to these feelings than just fatigue. Why don't you tell me when you started having feelings for your partner?"

Johnny's mouth fell open.

All the air rushed from his lungs.

The room seemed to start a slow spin.

The therapist was on his feet in a flash. He pushed Johnny's head down between his knees. "Just take a few deep breaths."

After a few minutes Johnny was able to pull himself together. He sat up and ran his hand through his hair. He felt the cold glass brush against his hand before he heard the request to drink. He took the cold water and took a few sips. His hands were shaking so bad he almost couldn't hold the glass.

"Feeling better?"

Johnny looked up at the man. "Yeah." He leaned forward and sat the glass on the table in front of the couch. "Listen Doc, I don't really know what you're talking about here."

"John, when you talk about Roy, it's written all over your face: the admiration, the trust and the desire. If you'll just be honest with yourself things will be a lot easier, and you can get back to what you love." The therapist resumed his seat and waited.

It took Johnny a long time, but he finally took a few deep breaths. He knew the therapist was right. He hated that the therapist was right, and he hated himself for it. That's part of what was making him so mad. He knew he had lost his objectivity in the matter. He wanted to be with Roy, but that was impossible. Roy had a family, and he knew he liked women. He was not a fag…no way, but he did have feelings that just didn't make sense anymore. He had feelings for another man, for Roy.

"I don't know when exactly it happened." He sucked in another deep breath and blew it out between his teeth. "After the virus, I guess." He hesitated thinking…remembering. "All I remember is when that virus hit me that day at the station I felt tired, achy; kind of raw, ya know? I mean Cap only asked me to take some kids on a tour, but truthfully I didn't think I could make it through the bay to the front door. Of course then the tones sounded and the adrenaline kicked in. Somehow I managed to get into the squad after almost fallin' over when I got up. Man that was surreal."

"Go on." The doctor made a few notes on his pad.

Johnny cleared his throat and continued, "Then we were up on that roof. It was so hot. I was sweatin' so bad I could feel it running down my back, but there wasn't time to tell anybody. We had a guy on that scaffold that needed us. Roy hates heights as much as I hate big boats, so I got ready to go down. Suddenly I felt real light headed, kind of queasy, but we had a job to do so I just shook it off. The bad part was once I got down there on the scaffold it really hit me. I couldn't even see straight. I kept squeezing my eyes together trying to clear my vision, but I gotta tell ya, it wasn't workin'." He shuddered at the memory. "The next thing I know I'm being pulled up on the roof like a limp rag. That's when I started gettin' kind of worried. Roy told me by the time he got me to Rampart I was totally out of it. I don't remember much else until I woke up in the room with Brackett. Somehow we had survived, but Tim...he...uh, he wasn't so lucky."

He rubbed his face with the palms of his hands. Thinking about how close he had come to death shook him up more than a little. "Anyway, uh, where was I? Oh yeah. I was weaker than a new born calf. I couldn't stand up by myself for days, hell I couldn't walk without help for what seemed like weeks. That's when I started noticing little things. Roy would come by every day...even when he was on duty. He would clean me up. Help me to the shower. At first he had to hold me up in the shower. I knew he had to have felt funny about that, but he's a good friend. Always has been." He smiled fondly. "Brackett had Dixie, and I had Roy. I guess that's when I started feeling this way."

Johnny relaxed a little. Maybe talking to a shrink was a good thing after all. He could feel the tension slipping away as he continued his story. "I was too weak at the time to...you know...I mean I didn't show any physical signs, but I could just feel our friendship changing." A red blush grew from his neck onto his face, but he kept going. "One day in the shower my knees just gave out on me. I almost fell out. Roy was right there. I mean he had his clothes on, but he was right there catching me. My head fell against his chest. I could smell his aftershave...his scent. I could feel his strength holding me there. It's not like I could do anything about it. I couldn't even raise myself away from his chest. He slid his arm around my shoulder and lifted me. I don't even know how he did that. I'm skinny, but I'm no lightweight. He sat me down on the toilet and started patting me dry. I was so sick that even my skin hurt to be touched. Every muscle in my body ached from the fever, but somehow Roy knew how to touch me without making it hurt. His warm hands caressed my body until I was dry. "

Johnny paused. He looked over at the therapist. "Yeah that had to be it. That had to be the first time I realized it was different for me. I mean I think I had dated every single nurse at Rampart. I had my share of...um...experiences, but never seemed satisfied. I mean I got relief, but I don't know. I just never seemed happy afterward. I never called them for a second date. But after Roy's hands touched me, I dreamed about it. Weird huh?"

"No, not weird at all, Roy gave you what you needed when you needed it most. Go on."

Johnny got up and paced around the office a few times. The nervousness had returned. 'Sure it feels good to talk about things, but how much should I tell? How much will be enough to get back to work?' He moved back to the couch and sat down. "Doc, I really just want to get back to work. I've told you how I'm feeling. Why do we need to go any further?"

"Can you work beside Roy everyday; ride in the squad with him so close that he may touch you? Can you smell his aftershave without reacting to your feelings?"

Johnny looked at the man. Anger swelled in his gut, but he squashed it back down. The man was right. "No." He lowered his eyes to his hands. "What am I gonna do?"

"Talk some more. We'll figure this out."

"I…the dream…I have that dream a lot now." He shifted on the couch. "I dream that his hands are…um…caressing me." He looked up into the therapist's eyes. "Stroking me." He saw understanding in the man's eyes.

"You like that."

Johnny nodded.

"You seek release?"

"Uh, that's a little too personal." He looked away blushing.

"It's a normal response."

Johnny blew out another long breath. "There's nothing normal about this." He was avoiding telling the therapist what really had him so confused; what he was really thinking. 'I find myself imagining my best friend making love to me. I dream about him touching me and his hands gliding across my body.'

"You love him."

"Hell yes I love him! He's my best friend, but I love his wife and kids too! How the hell do I deal with this?" He shot up off the couch and paced with his hands waving in the air. "How do I face him every day knowing how I feel? How do I look at his kids knowing what I want could ruin their lives? I can't do that to them. I love them all too much for that! This is tearing me up inside!" He hung his head and leaned against the cool glass of the window.

"You have to tell him."

"Tell him!"

"You have to give him the chance to decide what he wants."

"No way!" He turned facing the room again and ran his hands through his hair. "I can't do that." His upset deflated into extreme sadness. His shoulders sagged, his hands fell to his sides and his face lost all measurable semblance of emotion. He stared blankly into the room, emptiness filling his heart. The color of the heated moment drained from his face.

"I could call him for you. See if he can meet with us."

Johnny's eyes shot up at the therapist. The look shot daggers at the man. "NO!"

"Then you need to set up a private meeting with him…today."

"Look, I just came here to get you to sign off on me going back to work. I need to go back to work. Just sign the damn paper and let me go back to work."

"I'm sorry John, I can't do that. Not until you face Roy with this. You will never be able to work with him unless you tell him how you're feeling. Then I'll sign the paper, but not before."

Johnny grabbed the paper from the desk, shoved it in his shirt pocket, stalked across the room to the door and grabbed the handle. Before jerking the door open to leave he turned to the man, "I'll just find another therapist." He pulled the door open, but was stopped by the man when he spoke.

"They won't sign it either, but you can try."