Nagini and the Green Staircase…
A/N: I do not own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, the stock market, cheese, the song Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift, or words mentioned in this story. I only put them together and make them weirder.
"Nagini! Hurry up!" shouted Voldemort. "We must get to the Room of Darkness! It is the only sacred place left! For the most powerful, vile, malevolent substance that may be the key to conquering the wizarding world lies inside. Cheese." His snakelike nostrils flared at the very thought.
Nagini, however, was not paying attention. She was staring at something, something so amazing that even her mother would explode at the sight.
It was a staircase.
A green staircase.
"Voldemorth, I have renamed you." Nagini hissed, as she filed a new birth certificate for Voldemort- I mean Voldemorth. "What is this, Voldemorth? A green staircase? Such a thing can never exist."
Neville Longbottom popped out of a closet and rasped, "Ah, but it does!" Then, he saw Voldemorth, and Disapparated quickly. However, he Splinched himself and one of his legs ended up in Draco Malfoy's bathtub.
Anyways, Voldemorth ignored Nagini's questioning, and continued to tell her to hurry up. But Nagini looked at him with a strange gaze. Her pupils reflected the beauty of the green staircase. "I have to go to the green staircase, Voldemorth," hissed Nagini. "I must go to the staircase. It calls to me."
"All right, I will allow you to go up and down the staircase," sighed Voldemorth. "Then we must go, for Harry Potter is on our trail."
But Nagini had other things in mind.
Nagini looked at Voldeymoldy- I mean, Voldemorth, and said, "No. I want to poop on it Voldemorth, I want to poop on the green staircase."
After Nagini had done her business, Voldemorth, getting impatient, spat, "Alright, Nagini, you did your business." A random lawyer apparated.
"No," said the lawyer, "she hasn't finished her business. See, her stocks are falling, and she now owes 25% of all her income rates to the bank."
"NAGINI! I told you to stay out of the stock market!" Voldemorth cried. "Remember last time? Avada Kadavra!" This last part was directed at the lawyer, who died immediately, after polishing off an apple.
"Ready to go, Nagini?" asked Voldemorth.
But Nagini was scrubbing the staircase with a toothbrush. "No, Voldemorth, Nagini must clean her precious. Nagini must clean the whole WORLD!" At this point, Nagini was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking back and forth uncontrollably.
"With a toothbrush?" Voldemorth asked.
"With YOUR toothbrush," said Nagini. She then started laughing maniacally.
"NOOO!" shouted Voldemorth. "My Voldemom always taught me that dental hygiene was important!" He sunk to his knees, mourning the loss of his now snake-poop covered toothbrush. "How could you do this to me? I MADE YOU A HORCRUX!"
"You what?" asked Harry, who had just entered the room with Ron and Hermione close behind him.
Voldemorth looked at Harry.
Then Harry looked at Voldemorth.
Then Voldemorth looked at Harry.
Then Harry looked at Voldemorth.
Then Voldemorth looked into Harry's green eyes.
Then Harry looked into Voldemorth's red eyes.
Then Voldemorth started singing, "Get me with those green eyes, baby, when the lights go down…"
Then Nagini slapped them both because she is not a Taylor Swift fan, and because the authors of this story do not support Voldemorth and Harry as a couple.
Ron and Hermione, meanwhile, had gotten bored and a little creeped out by this situation. So they started snogging. Harry looked at them. "OI!" he shouted. "There's a war going on here!"
Ron and Hermione broke apart. "Not yet!" exclaimed Ron. "We haven't even gotten to Hogwarts yet!"
"Well, I didn't get to say that line in the movie, so I might as well say it now," Harry said, a little annoyed.
Suddenly, a loud burp echoed throughout the room. Harry looked at Ron. Ron looked at Hermione. Hermione looked at Voldemorth. And Voldemorth turned around, and let out a high-pitched scream. "NYAAH!"
Nagini had become very fat. And the green staircase was gone!
"Where's the staircase?" asked Ron. "Hermione, you're smart! Figure it out!"
Hermione sighed. "Well," said Hermione, "since Nagini now is the exact size and shape of the staircase, I must make the conclusion that she ate it, RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY!"
Suddenly, Voldemorth finally had the sense to realize that the only person who has the ability to kill him was standing very close to him and now knew one of his Horcruxes. Since he had no help except for a snake whose gastrointestinal system was very occupied at the moment, he picked up Nagini (which was no small feat) and Disapparated.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at each other. They were about to chase after Voldemorth, when suddenly Ron turned into a platypus, Harry turned into a squirrel, and Hermione turned into a turtle. They were immediately preoccupied with figuring out a way to change themselves back.
THE END!
Epilogue:
Draco Malfoy walked into his bathroom, for he was feeling very filthy from rolling in the mud with his family pigs and needed to take a bath. But floating in the bathtub was a disembodied leg!
"WHAT THE ****?" shouted Draco.
THE REAL END!