Story.
Life is different now. Things have changed since you last saw me. Two years have passed. life is going well, really well. I guess I should fill you in on some of the more important stuff that you've missed of that last few years… yeah, that would make sense.
My name is Maya Penelope Hart (that's right, my middle name is Penelope, I embrace it now, what are you going to do about it?!) I am now 18 years old and I just started college. I know what you're thinking because to be honest, I never thought I would graduate either. Yet here I am, I began my classes at NYU last fall. After a long hard think I decided to take just one course, art. Riley chose history, I think she wants to follow in the footsteps of her dad and I understand that because he is one of the best people I know.
Lucas is now back in Texas with papa joe and Farkle and Smackle both attend MIT. We still talk all the time of skype, we call, we text and every so often Farkle will come and pick us all up in his jet and take us to some exotic place, not that we can ever stay long. I still miss them though. Mattews is still teaching and Topanga is one of the best and most well-known lawyers in New York, she's still a shark. Auggie is doing well in school as well and due to the fact that Mr Matthews couldn't follow us all the way to college Auggie has a great teacher, one that we hope can teach him the same life lessons that he taught us. Mum and Shawn are still married. He kept his promise, he didn't leave, not that he wants to. They're still so in love, it would make me feel ill I I weren't so happy for them. They were both alone until they fund each other and that gives me hope for my future, hope that I will find someone who can love me like that… for that last 5 years that hope has been placed on the shoulders of uncle boing.
Mr and Mrs Matthews held their first ever Christmas meal in New York 5 years ago. That was when I saw josh for the first time since I was little. He's Mr Matthews brother and Riley's uncle, he's also a little older than me. I developed feelings straight away and I know what you're thinking, 'she's 13, it's a school girl crush'. That's what everyone told me, some people still tell me that, but I know what I felt then and I know what I feel now. 2 years ago he admitted to me that these feeling I was having were mutual but the fact that he was 3 years older than me made it difficult. We agreed to play the long game. He'd go on with his life knowing I was out there and I would do the same. It was hard, knowing he was somewhere, knowing he felt the same way about me that I did about him but having this hurdle that he just wasn't ready to jump yet. I hurt me to think that he was somewhere in this city and that I couldn't see him.
The last time I saw him was about 6 months ago and I know now that he is avoiding me, which makes sense. We spent a year and a half filled with awkward encounters at family meals because he wasn't ready and I was still too young. 6 months ago we talked. We made an agreement that I would stop asking if he was ready, but we also agreed that it hurt too much to see each other and not be together, so 6 months ago we agreed that we wouldn't see each other. Since they weren't actually my family I would stop going to their meals and in return he will come to me when he is ready, when the long game can finally come to an end.
Christmas is tomorrow and I am going to be seeing josh for the first time in a long time. I tried to say not to the offer of dinner from the Matthews family but it was impossible to tell Topanga no, she used her lawyeryness on me. Mum and Shawn have been travelling and because of the snow storm we are having in New York they haven't been able to get back in, air ports are closed and roads are dangerous. The Matthews were having a similar problem except for the fact that they were trying to get out. Mr Matthew's parents still live in Philly and the whole family usually travel up there for Christmas dinner, the storm has trapped them here. It's done the same to josh. Since neither of us have anywhere to go so the Matthews family have taken us both in. I don't think they know how awkward this is going to be for everyone who has to witness this. On the plus side, I got to see josh again. Is it bad that I've missed his face? I miss just looking at him, I miss the way he looks at me and most of all I miss the way that he makes me feel. That little flutter when your heart skips a beat just because he's there. I'll soon have that again.
I've missed spending Christmas here. As much as I love it at home mums not as good a cook as she is an actress and the best Shawn can do is pop tarts, so I'm looking forward to getting a holiday meal where I won't have to pick around the burned bits. Josh is running late, I hope the snow hasn't caused any issues for him getting here, he'll probably arrive any minute now.
Ok… Matthews just buzzed him up and he should be here any moment. I have to act cool, play it cool. I can hear him in the hall. Act like this isn't what you've been waiting for for 6 months. The doors opening. Just act like you haven't waited your whole time apart to see him walk through your door in his big boots and his woolly hat. But there's someone else there…
Who's that girl?
Act like this doesn't hurt. I stand up and say hello and I introduce myself to her. Act like your unfazed by this, by her. i feel my heart beating like it's about to burst out of my chest. Listen to the story of how they met. I can feel my anger rising. Act happy for them. But tears are coming to, I can't stop them. Act like you need the toilet. I try my hardest not to cry but it's hard.
They met at some college thing about 7 months ago, it was apparently super romantic. I guess we know why it got too hard for him to see me, it was too hard to see me when he knew there was somebody else at home. I wished he'd just told me. Said to me straight out that our 'someday' wasn't going to come. I wish he'd told me everything. I want out of here, I need out of here, I need to go home. But this isn't like the old days, I can't just cut across the hall and climb out of Riley's window. I can't just shuffle down the fire escape. I need to think up a real plan, but this is so hard. I'm trying to focus, I swear I am, but every time I try and think I see them. Them holding hands, them laughing. I've been in here to long, if I stay much longer someone might come looking for me. Why did I rule out the fire escape? I don't need to be mature anymore. I don't need to try and please his highness with everything I do. The fire escape has helped me in the past, why wouldn't it now.
This is it, this is the plan. I cut across the hall as quiet as possible and slip into Riley's old room. It's still the same, I think Cory and Topanga are the kinds of parents who are always ready for her to come home, always ready if she needs them. Plus, she's only been living in the dorms for like 4 months. As I head to the bay window I wish that it could fix this problem, like it did so many of my others. As I crawl out of the window I hear riley knocking on the bathroom door, she must have come to check on me. My amazing best friend who always makes things better. I don't think she make this better. The only thing that can help me right now is if I leave, and I don't have the courage to tell her that. So instead I ignore the noise from inside, I ignore that in the corner of my eye I see the door to her bedroom open and I try to ignore when she appears at the window. By this time, I'm on about the second floor of her apartment building and im about 7 metres of the ground. When she shouts my name I looked up, seeing her small and thin face look so sad at the thought of what I'm doing I lose my concentration. I stop thinking about where I am putting my feet and suddenly I'm falling. There isn't even enough time for my life to flash before my eyes before it goes black.
I'm startled awake by a bright light being shone in my eye. My head feels heavy and feels like ive been hit multiple times with a sledge hammer. There's a ringing in my ear, but not just any kind of ringing, it's like the high pitched wail of a banshee and its piercing my ear drums. My vision is blurry and I can't lift my head. My whole body hurts like never before. I feel the world spinning around me, but its slowly coming into focus. I'm led on my back and the sky is above me, sirens blare in the background and I can hear somebody screaming my name. before I know it riley is at my side. I attempt to lift my head, to greet her, tell her not to worry, that I'm fine, but it doesn't go to plan. As soon as I move just the tiniest bit it's like thunder and lightning inside my head, it falls to the floor before I can lower it down. After that I don't try to move, I don't try to speak. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that everyone is here. Riley's at my side and Mr and Mrs Matthews are about a metre away with Auggie. Josh and Whitney (can I just say, what kind of stupid name is that? Goes with her stupid face) are a little further away, but I think they're moving closer. I can't deal with this, everything inside me still screams run, I don't want to see them together, but my body won't cooperate, it can't. Instead I decide to speak.
"riles…"
"don't worry peaches, the ambulance is on its way. It will be here soon, I promise. Try not to move, ok."
"tell… tell them to… go. It hurts… I don't… don't want to see them… to see him. Pumpkin… I don't want to have to… to see that. Please." she gestured with her eyes towards josh and towards it as a tear rolled down her cheek.
For a brief moment Riley's grip on her hands tightened and then she was gone. She walked with confidence over to them and Maya can only guess that she asked them politely to leave, telling them that I would "appreciate it" if they left or whatever cute little way she decided to phrase it. I don't care, as long as she gets the message across. I want them gone.
I'm not sure what's happening anymore, my vision is blurry and the screaming in my ears is back. I can feel myself being lifted from the ground and there's somebody talking to me. I can't focus. I think the ambulance is here. I'm trying. I'm trying to focus, to listen to the voice, to do what its telling me to do, but it hurts to focus. It hurts to do anything. Instead I block out the world and drift off into what I feel is going to be a deep, deep sleep.
When I finally wake up it takes me a moment to figure out where I am. I feel like I've been sleeping for 100 years and I hurt all over, but I'm more sure now, I'm definitely in the hospital. Bright lights glare down at me and the repetitive beep… beep… beep… from the machine next to me gives me confidence that I'm ok. For a little while I just stare up at the ceiling, remembering what happened… the meal, the girl, the fire escape and then the floor. Trust me to end up in the hospital on Christmas. A grip tightens around my hand; I hadn't even realised I wasn't the only person in the room. Its riley, it has to be, and I can't wait to see her bright smiling face. I can't wait to tell her that I'm ok. I turn my head slowly, I can tell I've been given something for the pain but it hasn't worked entirely, I still have a dull ache in my neck that sends a jolt of pain through my body when I move. To my surprise sat next to me in my hospital room is the wrong Matthews. His hand is in mine, his head resting on my bed, his eyes closed. His breathing is deep, slow, in… out… I'm mesmerised by his beauty. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps it's like there's enough for both of us. It feels like my problems, my pain and fear, they're just melting away in his peaceful sleep. Just as I was letting go of the hurt and the pain it all came back in a flash, the fall, the fire escape, why I was even on the fire escape, 'someday'. I pried my hand from his with enough force that he woke up.
"Maya. Oh my god. You're awake. I was so worried. We all were. Riley went home to shower and change; she's been here 2 days sat by your side. Do you want anything? Do you need anything? Should I go get the nurse?"
"actually…" my voice was hoarse after not speaking for what was apparently two days. "there is something that I want…"
josh interrupted me before i had a chance to actually ask, "you want a nurse? Some water? Food? There's a vending machine just down the hall, I can get you something if you like? Would you like me to call riley? Your parents haven't been able to get down yet but I can call them too if you want?"
"I want you to leave."
For a little while there was silence. I was trying to hold back tears, I couldn't show him he'd hurt me, and josh, josh seemed to be shocked by the words that had just escaped my mouth.
He suddenly stood up and just as I thought he was going to leave, to let me be, he sat down on the edge of my bed. My heart skipped a beat, what an act of betrayal, we are meant to be mad at him but my heart and my mind don't seem to agree on the matter. I focus my attention on the butterflies in my stomach that seem to have conjured themselves as he moves closer to me.
"I love you Maya. You know that. Seeing you sprawled on the concrete like that, it made me feel as if I had been there with you, as if I had fallen and landed right next to you. That's where I wanted to be and its where I will always want to be, right next to you…"
There was a long pause, it seemed that josh was thinking of what else he wanted to say. I was still struggling to find a response for his first little outburst. My heart told me to tell him 'I love you too, you've known that for 5 years now and its never changed, but I would never wish upon you the pain that I felt after that fall. You will always be by my side because I never want to be apart from you and I never want you to feel how I have felt.' But her mind had different ideas, her mind couldn't help but drift to the thought of Whitney. Where is she? What is she doing? Has josh told her this stuff or is she just waiting for him to come to her like Maya had been for 6 months? It took her a while to realise that josh was even talking again.
"what?"
"what?"
"what were you saying?"
"I was saying that I don't understand how you ended up on the fire escape in the middle of winter, in the middle of a snow storm, and I don't understand why you thought it would be a good idea to climb down it! Why don't you think of the consequences when you do things? Don't you think of the people that love you, people that can't lose you? Your mum? Shawn? Riley? Me…"
"stop! stop! just… stop!" josh looked confused, but he stopped talking. Maya felt her heart break just a little more as she realised it had lost… she had to go with what her mind had been telling her all along.
"It's you! Don't you see? You're the reason I was on that fire escape! You're the reason that I felt I had to escape from it all! Josh, I have been in love with you for 5 years now, do you understand that? You used to tell me that there was too much difference, you told me that you were too old for me and that we couldn't be together. Then 2 years ago you suddenly changed your mind and I thought that it would be the best think that would ever happen to me. You finally admitted that the feelings I had for you were mutual, everything that I felt towards you, it was returned to me and I felt as if I were floating. 'someday'. That became like a motto to me, I lived by it. 'maybe today will be someday' 'maybe today will be that day that he's finally ready to really be with me, to go out and hold hands like other people in love do' but it never was. Every day I had to see everyone else with the people they love, Mum and Shawn, Mr and Mrs Matthews, riley and Lucas, even Smackle and Farkle. But I was ok, I never felt down because my 'someday' was coming. When I woke up on Christmas morning I was excited, I hadn't seen you in 6 months and I was so excited to see your face again, to see your smile. Then the worst thing imaginable to me happens, you walk in with some girl and she's nice and kind, she has a great laugh and smile and she's beautiful. Then your family wont stop talking about how great she is and how much they love her. do you know how many guys I've turned down in the two years? How many boys showed an interest in me during my high school life and especially at the beginning of college. But that's what makes us different, I believed in 'someday' I waited for you, until you were finally ready. Why couldn't you wait josh? Why were you never ready? You could have just told me that our 'someday' wouldn't ever come. Yeah, it would have hurt but not nearly as much as this hurts…" she gestured towards her body. "so yes, it's your fault I was on the fire escape because I just couldn't take anymore of you and perfect Whitney. I wanted to go home but I couldn't just use the front door, people would ask questions and I couldn't deal with that. So I climb down, I fall and here I am. But you know what, my injuries feel like nothing to the amount that my heart hurts right now. That's why I want you to leave. I won't ever come to Matthews family meal ever again, I promise, but you have to go. Anyway, how would Whitney feel about you being here? Oh, and, um… all riley on your way out will you…" and with that i turned onto myside facing way from josh as tears started streaming down my face. Why couldn't i just follow her heart like they always do in the movies?
After what felt like hours josh finally stood up. I began to shake, I couldn't hold in my tears anymore and I wouldn't have to because he was leaving. I would be alone and I could finally deal with everything going on in my mind. Just a few more steps on his part and I will be alone. He's almost there, wait what's happening? He's walking this way? He's walking to my bed, and he's crouched next to the bed, in front of me.
"I don't just love you, Maya Penelope Hart, I am in love with you. Do you understand that? There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and that I don't remember when we made that promise. But that's the point Maya. I can imagine the number of boys that you've turned down over the years because of me and because you were waiting for me. I wasn't ready for that kind of pressure! To have somebody as amazing and as beautiful as you to be waiting for me, to love me. I wasn't ready. That was all Whitney and the other girls were, they were just me trying to forget to, to get over you. Because you deserve better, you're the best person I've ever met and like I told you before… I don't know if it's because your dad left or the fact that you never felt that kind of love but it has given you the greatest capacity for love that I have ever seen…" there was a long pause. I think josh wanted me to answer him, tell him it's all going to be ok. I can't do that, because I don't know everything. "Whitney's gone. The roads opened up this morning and she told me to come with her to Philly or we were done, she sounded kind of jealous. She must have seen the way I've been looking at you. You're the only one that I love Maya. And now, she's gone, she's gone for good and I'm finally ready. Maya please, say something. I need you to say something."
"you're right."
"right about what?"
"you were right; I deserve better right now. For 5 years you've been telling me that I was you young for you, but I've grown up and it seems you haven't. you're acting like kid Josh, you can't deal with feelings so you just bang anything that moves instead. You say you're ready now but how can I be sure? But the thing is, I'm not ready anymore. I've thought about it and I do love you josh, I love you like I don't think I will ever be able to love anyone else and I don't need to find a better guy out there because I have the best right here, but it's your turn to wait for our 'someday' and if you really do love me then you will. I deserve a better life, I have spent so long waiting for you that I haven't been living, ive just been going through the motions. I was the only girl alone on valentine's day, I skipped prom because I said no to everyone who asked me, I even said no to every guy that tried to pick me up at a college party. These are all parts of a normal life, I want to go out there and see how the world actually likes me. Your family say its Riley's world, but I don't think shed mind sharing it with me. Now please josh, I want to be alone."