"For the Bat Who Has Everything"
"Where is it? Where is it?" asked the Joker, clown prince of crime as he dug through the papers on his desk in a frantic search to find what he was looking for. "I know it's here somewhere!"
"What 'ya lookin' for, Puddin'?" asked Harley Quinn as she sat on top of the desk, filing her nails, despite that fact that she was wearing gloves.
"AHA!" Joker shouted with glee as he found a post-it note. "I knew an important date was coming up! Where's the guy I hired to do my filing?"
"He's in the corner where you left him," Harley replied as she pointed to the corner, where a dead man was sitting in a corner with a large grin on his face.
"Well, what did you expect me to do? He put the files that start with 3 under the letter 'T'! 3 is a number, not a letter, it needs to go before 'A'!" Joker told her as he lost his train of thought. "What was I talking about before? Was it about that dream I had where I was ruling an island?"
"No, Puddin, I think it has to do with that note in your hand," Harley told him.
"Oh, right," Joker said as he looked at the note. "Next month is a very important day. Do you know what next month is?"
"Yam Kippur?" asked Harley.
"Well, yes, but there's something else," Joker said as he stood up. "It's the anniversary of the day I met Batman for the very first time! It was a very special meeting. We had a few laughs, I tried to kill him, he beat me silly and we've shared a very special relationship ever since."
"More special than ours?" asked Harley with a sad look.
"Now, now, crumbcake, you know that you can do things to me that Batman can't," Joker told her.
"I do make a pretty mean custard pie," Harley replied as she went back to filing her nails. "So, what are you gonna do for the big day? Gonna get him a present?"
"That's it!" Joker shouted with a devious grin. "I'll get him a gift! But what do you get for the Bat who has everything?"
Joker looked at an old picture of Batman and the Jason Todd Robin from years ago. "Bon Jovi, I think I got it! I'll get him a new Robin! He seems to run through them like they were tissue paper."
"Didn't you kill one of his Robins?" asked Harley.
"Yes, and I'll probably end up killing this one, too, but it's the thought that counts!" Joker replied with an evil grin. "I just need to find the perfect candidate."
"I think I know of someone," Harley told him.
Zack Young was a promising high school athlete. He was a track star and was the school's top quarterback, all while keeping a 4.0 grade point average. He stood six feet tall, had sandy blonde hair, had a beautiful girlfriend and was going to have his choice of any college to attend the next fall. Gotham City High School's athletic future was riding on Zack winning the next few big games.
Unfortunately for Zack, before his father went to prison, he was one of the Joker's goons and had made the mistake of boasting about his star athlete son to the wrong people, which soon made it's way to worst person imaginable.
It was late at night as Zack was heading home from his girflriend's house when he heard a purring coming from an alley. It sounded like a kitten was in pain. Zack couldn't stand the thought of an animal being hurt, and knew he could take it to a nearby animal shelter. He walked into the alley to look for the critter when he saw something moving under a blanket. He pulled it away and saw a toy wind-up cat walking around.
"What the-" Zack started to say as a Harley Quinn snuck up on him with a small mallet. She was about to strike when she stopped.
"What am I doing?" asked Harley as she put the mallet down and reached into her purse, pulling out a large baseball bat. She hit the young man over the head, sending him to the ground. Zack moved around, still conscious as Harley looked down at him. "Oh, for the love of-"
She hit him, seeing he was still slightly moving. Then she hit him again, and once more for good measure.
"Maybe I should have used a crowbar."
Zack opened his eyes, having a splitting headache. He sat up and looked down at his body, seeing he was wearing red tights and green short shorts, green elf shoes and a yellow cape. "What the hell?"
"Oh, good, he's awake," said the Joker as he sat in a director's chair, wearing a 1930's director costume, with a large bullhorn in his hand. "Let the training begin!"
"Where am I?" Zack asked as he stood up and looked around, fear in his voice.
"You're about to embark on the greatest adventure of your life!" Joker shouted from several feet away before running up to Zack, putting the bullhorn right up to his ear before shouting through it. "ACTION!"
"Please, I just want to go home," Zack said as he stood on the edge of a large tank with a tightrope strung across to the other side. Inside the tank were man-eating pirahna.
"Stop being such a baby," Joker told him with a laugh as he pushed Zack forward. "As Robin, you'll have to do all sorts of dangerous stunts. Maybe not as dangerous as walking across a tank of pirahna, though. I'm just bored while I wait for my favorite comedy show 'Walking Dead' to come on. Now, off you go."
Zack stepped onto the tightrope, trying to keep his balance as he carefully made his way across. He eventually made it to the other side and breathed a sigh of relief. The Joker looked up from his newspaper with his vicious smile.
"Oopsie, I wasn't paying attention, you'll have to do it again!" Joker shouted with his joyously evil voice.
Later, the Joker was overlooking a deadly obstacle course. It was rigged to shoot fire arrows, spray bursts of flames, open up trap doors in the floor and various other deadly tricks. He looked at Zack, slapping him on the back.
"Alright, kid, this is the final test," Joker told him, pushing the young man forward. "All you have to do is survive the obstacle course and you'll be ready to be Batman's newest sidekick."
"What happens if I don't make it?" Zack asked as he looked up at his kidnapper.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure whatever pieces of you are left get sent home to your family," Joker told him. "Now, off you go, and remember to have fun!"
Zack headed into the obstacle course, and the first thing that happened to him was having an arrow shoot right through his shoulder. He screamed in pain, just in time to see several saw blades flying at him. He quickly dodged them as he continued running.
"You think he'll survive?" asked Harley, not really caring one way or the other.
"Who cares?" asked Joker flatly. "It was either this or sit at home bored."
Zack was bleeding from various wounds on his body, and his cape was singed as he made his way through the course. He'd lost of one of his elf shoes and he felt like he'd gotten a cracked rib as he finally saw the exit. He started to smile as he saw a large pit was seperating him from getting out alive. One that was filled with both crocodiles and water mines.
"Oh, come on!" Zack shouted.
Joker and Harley were laughing wildly at the Walking Dead on the t.v. an hour later when Zack came limping into the room. He was heavily bleeding at that point, and was freezing from the water he had to swim through.
"Oh, look, Puddin', he made it!" Harley shouted as she jumped up. "He does have what it takes to be Robin!"
"Well, drown the kids and shoot the neighbors! He did make it!" Joker shouted. "He passed the physical! Now onto the mental portion of our test!"
"Mental portion?" Zack asked.
"Get out the projector for the slideshow, Harley," Joker told her. "I'll prepare the cattle prods and car battery. And see if that weed wacker is still in the garage. We'll also need a live chicken and some peach preserves!"
Three Weeks Later
An explosion was set off in the jewelry store as the Joker walked in, followed by Harley and two of his goons, who wheeled in a large wrapped box with a bow on it. Joker looked around as he took a seat.
"Alright, boys, grab a seat while we wait," Joker told them. "Ol' Bats will be here soon."
"But, Puddin', can't we do a little shopping?" asked Harley as she eyed a diamond bracelet.
"Oh, what the hay, our anniversary's coming up, have fun," Joker told her as Harley squealed in delight as she smashed in the glass case. After a short while, a shadowy figure dropped down in front of the Joker.
"Right on schedule, Batman," Joker said as he pulled out a party kazoo and blew into it. "Happy anniversary, Batman!"
"What sick game do you have planned this time, Joker?" Batman asked in a gruff voice as Joker's goons brought the box forward.
"Why must you always assume the worst, Batsie?" asked Joker with a sick grin. "I went through all the trouble to find you the perfect gift, and you're not even in a party mood? Go on, open the box. I want to see the look on your face when you see what's inside."
Batman cautiously stepped forward and pulled on the wrapping of the box. He opened it and got a shock as he looked inside. Zack, dressed in the Robin costume, fell out of the box, having suffocated to death hours ago.
"Alright, who forgot to put air holes in the box?" Joker asked as he looked around. He put an arm on Batman's shoulder and smirked. "Well, it's the thought that counts, right? So, what'd you get me?"
Batman's eyes shrunk to angry slits as he looked at the Joker. An hour later, the Joker was sitting in the back on the GCPD paddy wagon, badly beaten. One of his eyes was swollen shut as the door shut, sealing him in. He looked at Harley and smiled.
"Next year, I'm just getting him a card."
As the paddy wagon drove off, Harley looked at the window and waved at the cops as they left the scene, having picked the locks of her cuffs already.
"Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"
THE END