her cherished silence
This nightmare had been the worst.
It had been so real, so painfully life-like: he could feel Ultimecia gleefully bleeding his conciousness, memories and emotions and thoughts puddling at her fingertips. Squall was there, too, gunblade tracing and retracing his scar, refreshing the pain until it blurred and unravelled his weak sanity. There was a flash of black, smooth yet full of horror, and when it touched his bleeding face he realized it was a swirl of ravenfeathers -- but there was white, too, gentle and frail like angel wings, but he saw too late they were slowing turning red with his blood.. or was it Rinoa's?
Then, he was falling, grasping at the darkness pouring into his throat. It blinded him, suffocated him, but the part of him that was Ultimecia's revelled in it, painting swirls of death and suffering across his mind, time lurching as she bent it to her will. Memories flashed and became distorted: Squall did not scar his face, but slit his throat; Fujin did not lose just her eye, but also her life; he, himself, did not escape Time Crompression but instead drowned in it, lost in the constant cycle.
He felt his back arching in terror, his voice struggling to scream but unable. Something touched his shoulders, shaking them roughly, and he found his voice and just *screamed*, hearing Ultimecia's sweet purr over the mad rush of horror.
Abruptly, it ended, and Seifer was face-down on his bed, the pillow evidently muffling whatever sounds he had been making. Someone was touching him, though, their hands terribly gentle; he tensed, his stunned mind immediately thinking *Ultimecia*, sending his body into panic. He rolled over, his whole body trembling, hands poised to strike the sorceress that would not let him be.
But it was no sorceress to attack, no greedy magic-eyes to get lost in. It was only Fujin, her face veiled by darkness, but not enough to hide her concerned frown. It was only instinct for him to reach out and *grab* her, pressing her hard against his chest, weeping silently into her hair as his shoulders shook with fear and regret.
She did not goad him into speaking, simply held him while he cried. He could barely feel her hands kindly stroking his back, comforting him with a silence only she could contain.
They sat like that for a while, until his breath slowed and he regained his composure. Reluctantly, he moved away from her, staring down at his hands as he searched for what to say. After much thought, he said, "It was the worst one yet."
She nodded knowingly, her expression surprisingly cool and undisturbed. "Know," she said, "Hear, screaming. Woke, to stop."
"She.. she was there again, worse than before. She just took everything and changed it, made it worse and worse until I couldn't stand it.. I died, you died, everyone died.. It didn't matter to her. She loved it, just like I loved it when I was with her." He shook his head. "If only you knew, if only you understood."
Idly, she pulled the covers around her shoulders; he watched her eye gleam in the darkness. "Talk. Tell."
At first, he was very wary; he hadn't discussed the darkest secrets of the Ultimecia affair with anyone, but now, without preparation, he was about to tell someone *everything*. The serenity Fujin had made it shockingly easy for him to to reveal the truth to her, so he nodded and moved closer to her.
And he told her everything.
He talked and talked and talked, his voice kept carefully low in the darkness, as not to wake Raijin. It must have lasted hours, for at one point, his throat grew so scratchy Fujin fetched him a cup of water to soothe it. She listened in total silence, her face unchanging, even when he told the most grotesque secrets. Sometimes, at certain parts, his composure would waver and he would have to stop; Fujin would simply touch his arm or his hand, staring into his eyes, not pressing him to continue until he was ready.
When he finally came to an end, the sun had just began to hover over the horizon, spreading a sort of blurry gray over the ocean and through the hotel windows. He felt.. naked, exposed, his soul stripped and spread before her: she had seen everything, the most unchartered parts of him, and he was stunned that she could still stay with him. What he had done crashed down on him, suddenly, with such force his head spun with panic; she would most certainly hate him, and now, he would have to face this alone.
Out of instinct, he hugged her.
His shoulders shook but she didn't flinch, but held him closer; he breathed in the scent of her hair, a smooth, delicate scent, like the air just before it rained. It calmed him, partially, but he couldn't quite calm his trembling.
So he tried to talk it away. "Fujin, I-- you understand, don't you, now? I had to go with her.. I couldn't stop.. It was just--" His voice was hoarse and quivering.
She talked so quietly he almost didn't hear her, "Seifer."
He stared down at her, his mouth open to continue, but she cut him off again. "Don't talk," she said, terribly gentle, "Just... listen."
Listen? It was hard for him to do that; Seifer had always chosen to talk away his fears, with or without someone else, but the quiet authority in Fujin's tone forced him into silence. He misunderstood her words at first, waiting for her to say something, but when he understood it it was the most touching thing he'd ever done.
Fujin had given him her most sacred thing: her cherished silence. She had painstakingly let him in, without hesitation or frustration, let the quiet calm wash over him and soothe his nerves. He*listened*, for once in his life, to every sound and every silence.
He heard the hushed timbre of the world around him: the soft intake of their breathing, the rising thrum as the ocean water found the shore, the mechanical hiss as the first cars began to drive by. Across the room he heard Raijin sigh sleepily, and if he listened hard enough, he swore he could hear the steadfast beat of his own heart.
In that instant, he knew that it was the only thing that could heal him. He let his eyes close and just fell into it, fell into her, and she held him without saying a word. She didn't need to.
Finally, brushing the fringe of bangs from his face, she spoke, "Now, sleep."
He nodded but didn't release her; instead, he leaned in farther, pressing his face into her neck. "Stay with me?"
She nodded wordlessly and he felt her relax, sighing sleepily, her breath falling across his hair. He sighed, too, and for a moment, all the haunting regret was gone.
Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.
(a/n: i know seifer seems really.. well, weak, in this fic -- but everybody is at some point, right? i didn't go into all the secrets he shared with fujin: there would be too much to say, so it was easier just to say he said it, but not *what* he said.. i hope you liked it.)
This nightmare had been the worst.
It had been so real, so painfully life-like: he could feel Ultimecia gleefully bleeding his conciousness, memories and emotions and thoughts puddling at her fingertips. Squall was there, too, gunblade tracing and retracing his scar, refreshing the pain until it blurred and unravelled his weak sanity. There was a flash of black, smooth yet full of horror, and when it touched his bleeding face he realized it was a swirl of ravenfeathers -- but there was white, too, gentle and frail like angel wings, but he saw too late they were slowing turning red with his blood.. or was it Rinoa's?
Then, he was falling, grasping at the darkness pouring into his throat. It blinded him, suffocated him, but the part of him that was Ultimecia's revelled in it, painting swirls of death and suffering across his mind, time lurching as she bent it to her will. Memories flashed and became distorted: Squall did not scar his face, but slit his throat; Fujin did not lose just her eye, but also her life; he, himself, did not escape Time Crompression but instead drowned in it, lost in the constant cycle.
He felt his back arching in terror, his voice struggling to scream but unable. Something touched his shoulders, shaking them roughly, and he found his voice and just *screamed*, hearing Ultimecia's sweet purr over the mad rush of horror.
Abruptly, it ended, and Seifer was face-down on his bed, the pillow evidently muffling whatever sounds he had been making. Someone was touching him, though, their hands terribly gentle; he tensed, his stunned mind immediately thinking *Ultimecia*, sending his body into panic. He rolled over, his whole body trembling, hands poised to strike the sorceress that would not let him be.
But it was no sorceress to attack, no greedy magic-eyes to get lost in. It was only Fujin, her face veiled by darkness, but not enough to hide her concerned frown. It was only instinct for him to reach out and *grab* her, pressing her hard against his chest, weeping silently into her hair as his shoulders shook with fear and regret.
She did not goad him into speaking, simply held him while he cried. He could barely feel her hands kindly stroking his back, comforting him with a silence only she could contain.
They sat like that for a while, until his breath slowed and he regained his composure. Reluctantly, he moved away from her, staring down at his hands as he searched for what to say. After much thought, he said, "It was the worst one yet."
She nodded knowingly, her expression surprisingly cool and undisturbed. "Know," she said, "Hear, screaming. Woke, to stop."
"She.. she was there again, worse than before. She just took everything and changed it, made it worse and worse until I couldn't stand it.. I died, you died, everyone died.. It didn't matter to her. She loved it, just like I loved it when I was with her." He shook his head. "If only you knew, if only you understood."
Idly, she pulled the covers around her shoulders; he watched her eye gleam in the darkness. "Talk. Tell."
At first, he was very wary; he hadn't discussed the darkest secrets of the Ultimecia affair with anyone, but now, without preparation, he was about to tell someone *everything*. The serenity Fujin had made it shockingly easy for him to to reveal the truth to her, so he nodded and moved closer to her.
And he told her everything.
He talked and talked and talked, his voice kept carefully low in the darkness, as not to wake Raijin. It must have lasted hours, for at one point, his throat grew so scratchy Fujin fetched him a cup of water to soothe it. She listened in total silence, her face unchanging, even when he told the most grotesque secrets. Sometimes, at certain parts, his composure would waver and he would have to stop; Fujin would simply touch his arm or his hand, staring into his eyes, not pressing him to continue until he was ready.
When he finally came to an end, the sun had just began to hover over the horizon, spreading a sort of blurry gray over the ocean and through the hotel windows. He felt.. naked, exposed, his soul stripped and spread before her: she had seen everything, the most unchartered parts of him, and he was stunned that she could still stay with him. What he had done crashed down on him, suddenly, with such force his head spun with panic; she would most certainly hate him, and now, he would have to face this alone.
Out of instinct, he hugged her.
His shoulders shook but she didn't flinch, but held him closer; he breathed in the scent of her hair, a smooth, delicate scent, like the air just before it rained. It calmed him, partially, but he couldn't quite calm his trembling.
So he tried to talk it away. "Fujin, I-- you understand, don't you, now? I had to go with her.. I couldn't stop.. It was just--" His voice was hoarse and quivering.
She talked so quietly he almost didn't hear her, "Seifer."
He stared down at her, his mouth open to continue, but she cut him off again. "Don't talk," she said, terribly gentle, "Just... listen."
Listen? It was hard for him to do that; Seifer had always chosen to talk away his fears, with or without someone else, but the quiet authority in Fujin's tone forced him into silence. He misunderstood her words at first, waiting for her to say something, but when he understood it it was the most touching thing he'd ever done.
Fujin had given him her most sacred thing: her cherished silence. She had painstakingly let him in, without hesitation or frustration, let the quiet calm wash over him and soothe his nerves. He*listened*, for once in his life, to every sound and every silence.
He heard the hushed timbre of the world around him: the soft intake of their breathing, the rising thrum as the ocean water found the shore, the mechanical hiss as the first cars began to drive by. Across the room he heard Raijin sigh sleepily, and if he listened hard enough, he swore he could hear the steadfast beat of his own heart.
In that instant, he knew that it was the only thing that could heal him. He let his eyes close and just fell into it, fell into her, and she held him without saying a word. She didn't need to.
Finally, brushing the fringe of bangs from his face, she spoke, "Now, sleep."
He nodded but didn't release her; instead, he leaned in farther, pressing his face into her neck. "Stay with me?"
She nodded wordlessly and he felt her relax, sighing sleepily, her breath falling across his hair. He sighed, too, and for a moment, all the haunting regret was gone.
Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.
(a/n: i know seifer seems really.. well, weak, in this fic -- but everybody is at some point, right? i didn't go into all the secrets he shared with fujin: there would be too much to say, so it was easier just to say he said it, but not *what* he said.. i hope you liked it.)