"We're getting married."
What?
Captain Janeway stared at her first officer with wide eyes. She'd known he and Seven were in a relationship. They had been for over a year. She would have had to be blind not to see.
It had started with him rescheduling their weekly dinners. Kathryn had so many rain checks from Chakotay she could have booked him every night for a month by now. But even with him missing dinner, she was slow to realize what was really going on.
No. If she was honest with herself, she'd suspected something right away. But in an effort to protect her heart, she'd pretended things were normal far longer than was healthy.
A whispered conversation between Tom and B'Elanna was what it took for her to finally acknowledge Chakotay had given up on her.
Neither Chakotay nor Seven ever had the decency to tell their captain officially. For that reason, she managed to convince herself it wasn't a serious relationship. Obviously she had been wrong.
The idea wasn't so farfetched though. The idea that the relationship was casual. They were so discreet. So private. It was impossible to see how deep their affection for each other went. Especially since they kept their personal and working relationships quite separate from one another.
Every time Kathryn pondered on that point, she was torn between laughing and crying. The irony was a smack in the face. To think ruining their professional conduct had helped hold her back from Chakotay for so many years.
Well, this was another item she could add to her list of things that were her own fault.
"Congratulations." Kathryn offered a grin she didn't mean at all. "When's the big day?"
Seven answered. "We've not yet decided. We will inform you when it is arranged."
"Good," Kathryn said. Maybe they would change their minds. "I look forward to it."
"There's something else," Chakotay said. His head dipped almost shyly and he gripped Seven's hand with both of his.
If he said they were pregnant, Kathryn was going to be sick. Could Seven even get pregnant? Her nanoprobes would probably Borg the child in the womb. Of course, Chakotay deserved something like that.
What a horrible, nasty thought.
"Is everything alright?"
At Chakotay's words, Kathryn realized she'd physically shaken her head in her haste to ban the odious thought from her mind.
"No. I mean, yes," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Go on, please."
"We know the responsibility would fall to you naturally, but we'd like to ask you personally to perform the ceremony."
She was going to be sick anyway. What an awful, awful thing to ask of her. It was cruel. She refused to be forced to do such a thing. There was absolutely no way. It would kill her.
"I'd be honored."
=/\=
Starfleet dress uniforms were far too constrictive. Kathryn felt she was being smothered in hers. She and Chakotay stood by a viewport in the mess hall, awaiting the bride's arrival.
He was jittery. She was dying.
"Second thoughts, Commander?" Why did she torture herself so? She didn't want to know what he was thinking, not really. But there was a one in a billion chance he'd change his mind if she prodded just right. She had to take it.
Before he could answer, the music changed. Seven had entered the room on the Doctor's arm, resplendent in a simple but elegant white gown. Especially with the last of her implants removed, she looked radiant.
"Never a second thought," Chakotay said with quiet awe, his gaze fixated on his bride.
Well that was a disgustingly romantic thing to say. To distract herself, Kathryn focused on walking to where she would stand as officiator. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out.
In different circumstances, she would have led the groom along, too, with a guiding hand on his shoulder. But she couldn't touch Chakotay. Not now. And of course, he didn't need her. He hadn't needed her for a long time.
Once he told her he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. It was still true. No one could ask for a more indefatigable first officer.
But he had also told her she helped him find the true meaning of peace. It had made her feel special and loved. Like she was doing something in return for his devotion.
The day she realized it was no longer true, a part of her heart keened and died.
Chakotay and Seven were in place, clasping hands in front of her much sooner than she was ready for.
"We gather today for a very special occasion. Two beloved members of our family aboard Voyager are to be bound together in matrimony." If she hadn't rehearsed those words a hundred times before, they would have never left her mouth in one piece. "Seven and Chakotay asked me personally to do the honors today."
It was important the crew know that. Not all of them would understand the significance, but some would. B'Elanna in particular. She gathered strength. Heaven knows from where. Perhaps from the idea of the fiery engineer giving Chakotay a good tongue lashing for being obtuse and inconsiderate.
"Seven, I care for you as I would my own daughter. You've come so far, and I'm proud of you." She beamed at the beautiful young woman. The smile was genuine because her words were genuine. For the first time in this whole wretched ceremony.
"Chakotay." Kathryn let her eyes soften in earnestness. "You're my closest friend. We've been through a lot together." Didn't it mean to him what it meant to her?
Here was the part she turned it over to the happy couple to share the vows they'd written for each other.
Swallowing hard, nose tingling, Kathryn continued. "Chakotay, I'm in love with you."
The silence was palpable. Seven looked at her captain, confusion in her brow, and then looked to her groom. Chakotay was staring dumbstruck at Janeway.
"I didn't know." He dropped Seven's hands and turned to Kathryn. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"There was never a good time," she said quietly, covering her mouth as if the action would somehow stem her emotions.
Chakotay gave a single strained laugh. "So you picked now?" His hands were suddenly on her elbows. "Kathryn, for years, you were all I wanted. I love you too."
The kiss was sudden and searing and full of eight years of pent up desire.
Kathryn was vaguely aware of Tom Paris whooping and the rest of the crew joining in. Cheers for the command team. It was so right.
"Captain?"
Kathryn's attention flicked to Chakotay. He was looking at her with an expectantly raised eyebrow.
Right. She'd invited them to give their vows. Rings had been exchanged. All that remained was to pronounce them married. She hadn't ruined the wedding with a declaration of love.
She cleared her throat. "Commander Chakotay, Seven of Nine, with the power vested in me by Starfleet Command, and the United Federation of Planets," she fought back the bile rising in her throat, "I now pronounce you husband and wife."
Fortunately they didn't need her prompting to kiss. She would never have given it. She closed her eyes briefly as their lips met.
The rice flew. Clapping. Cheers.
For Kathryn, there was only numbness.
They should have left then. But they didn't. The newlyweds stood firmly in front of their captain and looked to her, faces glowing with happiness. Apparently they needed her blessing.
"I'm so happy for you two," she said just so they'd leave her alone. Please, please, leave let her be. "Congratulations."
When they'd finally made their exit, Kathryn turned, rested one hand at eye level on the bulkhead and stared at the stars. It was done. They were married. Chakotay was permanently out of reach.
Why did it have to hurt so much? It wasn't as if he'd suddenly been snatched from her arms. Far from it. He'd never been in her arms, and she'd never fought for him. What a fool she was. A cowardly, lonely fool.
The cheering from the crew echoed in her ears. It had ranged from polite applause to enthusiastic hollers. She wondered if she had been the only one to stay silent. The hearty chatter filling the room now seemed to have little to do with the wedding. It seemed the event was mostly an excuse for a party.
"Captain?" There was a hand on her shoulder. "Care for a drink?"
Kathryn accepted the flute from B'Elanna. "Have anything stronger than synthenol?"
The other woman shrugged sympathetically. "Tom keeps talking about a secret stash of Antarian cider in one of the cargo bays. We could see if there's any truth to his story."
Kathryn inhaled abruptly. "No," she answered quickly, raising a hand. She felt silly for being so adamant, but there was no way she was going to drink Chakotay's alcohol.
B'Elanna looked confused but didn't comment. For a few moments, they sipped in silence, watching the viewport.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that." The words were soft so no one could overhear. "Chakotay's really been a petaQ lately, but asking you to officiate… That was low."
It was. "They meant well."
"Are you defending him?"
Kathryn looked straight into B'Elanna's eyes. In truth she was defending him. She couldn't explain it, but hearing Chakotay being put down wasn't making her feel any better. "It doesn't matter."
"I think it matters a lot," B'Elanna argued.
Talking things through was making her feel worse, if that was even possible. She shook her head and closed her eyes. "Please, B'Elanna. I just need some time to myself right now."
The half-Klingon sighed heavily but obliged.
Not long after, the room began to empty. Kathryn gave the thinning crowd a cursory glance. She caught the Doctor's eye. His pitiful expression told her there was at least one person that understood. Both of them had feelings for someone they couldn't have. And both of them had been asked to participate in the wedding. She gave the EMH a small nod which he returned.
Then she went back to brooding against the bulkhead. It would have made more sense to leave, but that would feel like fleeing. She didn't want to run away. And as damaging as it was, she wanted to wallow in the pain just a bit longer. Here was an excuse to be sad and pity herself. She was going to take it.
When the room was empty and Kathryn was all alone, she spat on the floor. She didn't mean to. But the sweet words from the ceremony had left the bitterest taste in her mouth.